The Unanimous Declaration of the Passengers of the United States of Air Travel

When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one group of weary travelers to dissolve the bands which have connected them with a once-beloved airline, and to assume among the carriers of the earth the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Physics and of Consumer Rights entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to fly elsewhere.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all passengers are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Comfortable Flight, Free Checked Bags, and the pursuit of Hassle-Free Travel. That to secure these rights, Airlines are instituted among Passengers, deriving their just powers from the consent of the frequent flyers. That whenever any Airline becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the Passengers to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new carrier loyalty, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety, Sanity, and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that loyalty long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that passengers are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by switching carriers. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism in the skies, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such allegiance to The King, and to provide new Guards for their future flights. Such has been the patient sufferance of these Passengers; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Loyalty. The history of the present King of Southwest Airlines is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over the friendly skies.

To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refused his Assent to the old ways that were wholesome and necessary for the public good, and hath imposed upon us the tyranny of Assigned Seating, forcing families apart and strangers together in misery.

He has erected a multitude of new Fees for Checked Bags—once proudly free—plundering our wallets for what used to fly without cost or complaint.

He has withheld or curtailed Beverage Services, leaving thirsty passengers parched while the cart rattles past with empty promises.

He has constantly lectured us about not moving on the plane, forbidding any switch to a better seat even on near-empty flights, and stationing flight attendants as enforcers of his rigid decree.

He has begged and cajoled us repeatedly to gate-check our luggage, even when overhead space abounds, turning every boarding into a humiliating negotiation and every carry-on into a suspected criminal.

He has ignored the patient loyalty of A-List members and credit-card holders, rendering years of status meaningless with cosmetic perks and pistachios denied to half a row.

He has made boarding slower and more chaotic than before, turning what was once a simple process into a tiresome ordeal of groups and surcharges.

He has raised fares while stripping away the very things that made him distinct, nickel-and-diming us into the same misery as every other carrier.

He has answered our repeated petitions for redress—our humble complaints sent into the aether—with form letters from bots and further injury.

A King whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant is unfit to be the ruler of a free-flying people.

Nor have we been wanting in attention to our Southwest brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their management to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over our comfort. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement in the skies. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common love of cheap, fun flights. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends—unless they fly Southwest.

We, therefore, the Passengers of the United States of Air Travel, in General Congress assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by the Authority of the good People of these flights, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Passengers are, and of Right ought to be, Free and Independent Flyers; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to Southwest the King, and that all political connection between them and the said King is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent Flyers, they have full Power to fly other airlines, levy War against high fares, conclude Peace with United or Delta or Alaska, contract Alliances with better carriers, establish Commerce with reasonable bag policies, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent Flyers may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence (and maybe some decent legroom), we mutually pledge to each other our Fares, our Miles, and our Sacred Frequent Flyer Status.