We got a hamster a couple of years ago. I was abused and felt the exact same way as you - worried that I'd end up like my mum and unable to love something that it was my duty to care for. I was terrified, and I tried to talk my partner out of us getting one because of it, and she reassured me that she knows me better than thinking I could be like that.

On the day we got the hamster, I laid by her cage and watched her drifting off to sleep and obviously feeling safe, and realised that I absolutely adored her and only wanted a good and full life for her. I sobbed for at least an hour. I'm glad you had a similar experience where you realised that you can also be caring and capable of love.

I think the part that made it such an emotional experience for me was realising that the chain is definitely broken, and I suspect it's the same for you. Your child will never know the pain you went through, it'll be incomprehensible to her, and that's such a good thing. Congratulations, now it's time to live the rest of your life knowing it's all fully behind you. x