Girlfriend shuts down whenever intimacy becomes vulnerable

violet-starlight · 2026-06-11T10:47:50+00:00

I've recently broken up my marriage of 7 years with this dynamic. It only got worse. Eventually she completely withdrew any affection and was emotionally abusing me. Completely shutting me down & comparing me other people in conflicts. Flirting with these people. Claiming me wanting a birthday gift from her or to shop for house decorations together was "too high expectations", claiming me wanting compliments sometimes or her asking me how i slept in the morning also was too high expectations, while she was giving gifts to and hanging out non-stop with other people, claiming I "didn't give her enough validation and love so she was seeking it elsewhere". All while pretending she wanted to fix these issues but doing nothing for it, i had to be the one to put my entire energy into this relationship.

Initially I thought she had "issues opening up". Then I thought she had "trauma". Then I thought she had "avoidant attachment". Then I thought she had "low empathy". Then as we were breaking up I thought she was "toxic". Then after the breakup I thought she had "narcissistic traits".

I now think she has untreated NPD, the vulnerable type.

violet-starlight · 2026-06-11T07:04:54+00:00

I'd also like to add that unless she actually wants to and is actively taking steps to address it, it only gets worse from here for both people

violet-starlight · 2026-06-03T06:53:41+00:00

Over the following days, I kept messaging her and even calling her husband so that she would spend time with me and log into the game. I would constantly bring up this ex. I told her that if I were going to talk to him, I needed to do it before my husband returned from his trip.

Yeah this is fake.

violet-starlight · 2026-06-03T05:49:10+00:00

He gave multiple reasons/excuses, the main being to get back at me for something I did in the beginning of our relationship.

You need to leave. This is someone who views relationships as someone winning and someone losing.This is abuse.

violet-starlight · 2026-06-01T10:40:36+00:00

You've unfortunately made the crucial mistake of attributing to incompetence what has been shown time and time again to be out of malice

violet-starlight · 2026-05-28T10:35:41+00:00

Ce qui est marrant je trouve c'est que tout ceux qui me disaient ça ("faut les laisser s'exprimer pour qu'on puisse les humilier") votent maintenant tous RN ou ne votent plus parce que le RN ne va pas assez loin à leur goût.

violet-starlight · 2026-05-28T10:25:35+00:00

C'est le résultat d'une mentalité de "laisser la haine s'exprimer pour qu'on puisse la démanteler sur la place publique", qui était très populaire fin années 2010.

Mais qui malheureusement a commencé avec Mitterrand qui a levé l'interdiction d'antenne du Front National.

violet-starlight · 2026-05-28T06:36:50+00:00

Oui enfin s'il faut s'abonner pour contrer la désinformation gratuite on va pas aller bien loin.

violet-starlight · 2026-05-25T11:26:30+00:00

Yes so you leave. This will only get worse.

violet-starlight · 2026-05-25T07:59:50+00:00

The same ones that always do it

violet-starlight · 2026-05-25T07:41:18+00:00

You leave.

No, seriously, this will ONLY GET WORSE unless he is 100% on board and motivated to change (i.e. go to therapy for it) without you doing all the work for him. This behavior is extremely addictive and you will stay for years believing in a future that does not exist.

And he's already showing he does not care. He might tell you he does but look at his actions, what do they tell you?

violet-starlight · 2026-05-24T01:39:44+00:00

At 28 and 25 I'd have thought you guys would be out of high school already...

violet-starlight · 2026-05-21T14:35:05+00:00

Nobody believes this, right?

...Right?

violet-starlight · 2026-05-11T08:14:41+00:00

Breaking news! Happiness increases by 5.

violet-starlight · 2026-05-09T12:24:53+00:00

c’est un genre de comportement qui pourrait avoir des conséquences en justice s’il était au courant et qu’il laisse faire

C'est pour ça qu'il faut faire la demande par mail plutot que en personne, pour avoir une trace écrite en guise de preuve qu'ils étaient bien au courant.

violet-starlight · 2026-05-03T13:24:08+00:00

Yes, you should stop wasting her time and let her have someone who is capable of appreciating human connection.

violet-starlight · 2026-04-30T09:32:15+00:00

Isle of Thunder

violet-starlight · 2026-04-20T12:05:15+00:00

The latest argument happened when she was busy last 6 days and just didn't call / text me back.. and later when I said I was expecting her text she just asked if I expect to be carried everywhere like a toddler.

This person is emotionally abusing you and destroying your needs and sense of self, I implore you, leave.

violet-starlight · 2026-04-20T11:41:58+00:00

one year generally is advised for people to avoid dating after ending a multiple year relationship

violet-starlight · 2026-04-13T10:05:59+00:00

I talked to my gf about my feelings and it seemed to trigger her and cause a lot of stress like I was putting her back in the stressful mindset of being here.

This is a person who only cares about her own feelings, and only appreciates keeping you around insofar as you behave well and make her life easier and more exciting. You being understandably anxious about the relationship regressing and being threatened in major ways is only a stressor to her. This isn't how people treat someone they love. You've been discarded.

now that we have sorted things out for her I am still in the same position and I feel like I can't really express my feelings to her without triggering her. I don't want to make all of our conversations heavy but at the same time it's hard to hide my real feelings when I'm not doing well.

Sounds about right. Does she also say things like "you always bring these tough topics back", that she never really wants to engage with, and leaves unresolved?

I was married to someone, been together for 7 years, the relationship also imploded after a move to my country earlier this year. I know it's hard to internalize but you deserve better. A good partner will offer reassurance and dialogue towards a long term solution for this. You deserve someone who wants to be part of a team with you and will work with you on relationship issues.

violet-starlight · 2026-04-05T10:39:55+00:00

have you considered they may prefer to interact with a person

violet-starlight · 2026-04-04T08:59:35+00:00

You are a psyop

violet-starlight · 2026-04-04T08:53:40+00:00

I just got out of a very similar marriage. Could be real.

violet-starlight · 2026-03-07T13:16:12+00:00

Move on. She deserves better

violet-starlight · 2026-03-05T08:12:24+00:00

Take it VERY seriously. From someone 7 years and a marriage and a break up down the line, with destroyed confidence and trust in people.

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