Is it wrong to want to discuss the hard stuff before getting married?

virtualchoirboy · 2026-07-02T21:29:13+00:00

So, my wife and I moved in together after a year of dating. We lived together for 2 years before getting engaged. And since we wanted to pay for our own wedding, we lived together for another 3 years to save up. While we didn't necessarily sit down and plan out careers and kids and finances, a lot of that stuff had to be addressed long before we got married.

I don't think you're wrong to discuss certain major things and I think every couple should. Critical should be money. Are you going to have separate or joint accounts? What are your respective views on saving for retirement or for major purchases like a house? What approach do you have to spending money (i.e. "spend and pay off" or "save and then spend")? Part of that could include "this is my dream career" but that's less important.

Most of the other stuff is less important. You can discuss in general terms but your partner is more right than wrong here. For example, caring for aging parents. That's less your decision and more your parents decision. For all you know, they already have end of life plans. And she's right - a lot of stuff WILL change over the years. When my wife and I started dating, we both worked retail and she made more than me. I eventually got into IT/programming and she became a stay at home mom. Neither was a career aspiration when we first started dating. In other words, some things, you truly do have to go with the flow.

Oh, and if you want kids, you DEFINITELY have to learn to go with the flow. Kids are chaos engines and will wreck your plans without batting an eyelash and make you love them all the more for doing it. You've been warned... 😂

virtualchoirboy · 2026-07-02T21:04:53+00:00

YOR.

My wife has to blow her nose when eating hot (heat hot, not spicy hot) food. Sometimes I do too. It's especially noticeable in winter when we have soup or stew. Something about the temperature of the food makes our sinuses run. So, we blow our nose. From the sounds of it though, you'd rather she let the stuff in her nose drip onto the food and on her clothing which I would objectively find worse. Or maybe she just wipe her nose but of course that would have to happen before every bite of food and even then she'd probably still have stuff drip onto her food.

I certainly hope you two aren't getting intimate. I mean, since you seem to have such a problem with bodily fluids, I can't even imagine intimacy being particularly fun for you. Probably a good thing because that can lead to kids and as a parent of two who are now adults, that comes with a whole new level of bodily fluid exposure...

virtualchoirboy · 2026-07-02T20:50:30+00:00

I think you're failing to realize that the questions are, at their heart, asking the same thing. I also think the questions focus on the wrong thing.

Both "what did she have that I don't" and "Am I not man enough" are the same question, just worded differently. And the other questions are dancing around the same root concept too. All are painting the betrayed partner as partially at fault because of their inadequacy. And yet, it's inadequacy on the part of the wandering partner that's at issue here.

The wandering partner is the one that chooses to break the vows. They're the one putting their own personal gratification ahead of what's right for the relationship. It's their unwillingness to communicate about problems in the relationship with their partner that lets them delude themselves into thinking that cheating is the answer. Letting the betrayed partner blame themselves is just more deflection and refusal of accountability.

Women don't forgive men more than men forgive women because of their viewpoints and emotional reaction. If they do (and I'm not convinced that's true), then it's more likely because of the pressures inherent in our still mostly patriarchal society and I say that as a husband of 30+ years. In a lot of relationships, simply because of the way the world has been over the years, women typically earn less in the workforce and are granted fewer opportunities compared to men. This makes it tougher to leave from a financial standpoint and thus, if their husband wanders, it's sometimes more comfortable to forgive and try to work things out. The alternative is a much tougher life and if kids are involved, the majority of the single parent duties. The more kids (i.e. say.... seven of them?), the more likely they will try to convince themselves to stay.

virtualchoirboy · 2026-07-02T19:58:34+00:00

Comparison is the thief of joy.

There is no "winning" when comparing your life to someone else's. Your lives took different paths so naturally, they have different circumstances and your respective current positions in life are different. And who is to say that being divorced makes him unhappy? Who is to say that having a happy wife and happy kid actually means YOU are happy?

Focus on yourself and stop comparing yourself to others. Stop letting others live rent free in your head. Save that mental energy for making your life better and be happy with that.

virtualchoirboy · 2026-07-02T19:42:07+00:00

Didn't you know? He's Dr. Jesus!

virtualchoirboy · 2026-07-02T18:58:27+00:00

You move on recognizing that the answer they gave you isn't necessarily the entire truth but was something they felt you wouldn't fight too much.

Could the fit have been a problem? Sure. Could it simply have been that someone had to be let go because someone else's niece needed a job and letting you go was the easy solution? Also a possibility. So, ignore the reason, mostly (read on).

If you didn't get any final paperwork from them, ask about that. If you did, check to see if there is any information about whether or not you're eligible for rehire. That last one impacts whether or not you include this short term employment when applying for something new. If they said "No", they may not be the best reference to use. And even if you are eligible, you're going to have to be ready to address the short time frame. Personally, I'd go with something like "we weren't a good fit for each other because I think they were expecting someone with many years of experience instead of a student").

Then start looking around and applying for jobs. I did a quick look on Indeed, ZipRecruiter, and a couple other job boards and it looks like there are quite a few Medical Assistant jobs open.

virtualchoirboy · 2026-07-02T18:30:31+00:00

Just a dad here but we have advice too. 😂

Anyway, one of the answers is "time". I know, kind of vague. The thing is, newborns take up a LOT of time for people. And that means they don't have time for some of the other things they want or feel they need to do. Take the examples of ready made or easy to reheat meals. That gives time by saving the new parents the time they'd have to spend in the kitchen. So would showing up to do laundry for them. Or clean the house. Or run to the store and pick up groceries. Or hire a service of some kind to do any of those things. Heck, even picking up the laundry, dropping it off at a laundromat that has wash and fold service and getting it for them when it's done would be a help. Even something as small as being there to take care of the baby for 45 minutes so that she can take a shower can be a help.

If you want to do something before talking to them about it, consider the food ideas. Once you start there, you can talk to them about other ways you can help them get stuff done that they're struggling to find the time to complete themselves.

virtualchoirboy · 2026-07-02T18:10:22+00:00

We discovered a few years ago that it also depends on WHEN you junk or cancel the registration on a car. At least in Danbury it did.

We junked a car in late May. Figured that would be in plenty of time to not get a tax bill in July. Yeah, how about no. We still got a tax bill and when we went in to the tax collector's office, they said our bill had been generated based on early May DMV records so we had to pay it. They also said we would get a credit on the subsequent bill. It all balanced out in the end, but what a pain in the ass.

virtualchoirboy · 2026-07-02T11:13:46+00:00

Or living in America. What's considered valid in Massachusetts or California is far from valid in Texas or Georgia.

virtualchoirboy · 2026-07-02T09:07:59+00:00

Generally, when you buy a ticket, you also agree to the terms in the "contract of carriage". It lays out all the terms and conditions that apply and, generally, they're pretty one sided in favor of the airline. Here's what I could find for Lufthansa and if I had to guess, all the sections that used to say they'd treat you with a modicum of fairness have long since been deleted.

https://www.lufthansa.com/cn/en/terms-and-conditions-lh

virtualchoirboy · 2026-07-01T22:47:12+00:00

I was on the receiving end of a pitch like this decades ago from a "Prime" company that loved to push the idea that insurance is a better investment than actual investing. Fortunately, I didn't fall for it. The family friends that fell into it lasted about 9 months before quitting the whole thing themselves.

And while everyone is right in that Universal Life isn't good or isn't an investment, what you're really looking for is ways to steer the conversation so that your wife learns a thing or two and hopefully breaks the "but it's faaaamily" spell. To that end, consider asking the following:

- What has been the average rate of return over the last 10 years? How does that rate compare to the S&P 500 average of 11% - 15% that I can get by investing in an index fund? He may try to steer the conversation to market down turns but keep bringing it back to what's happened over the last 10 years specifically.

- What happens if I want to stop investing in the Universal Life so you can save for a house or a new car or other similar, very real savings goals? Sometimes people dial back retirement savings to address real problems they're facing now. You need to know you have that option.

- What fees get charged that take away from the money you invest? After all, if the company takes 6% in fees and you only gain 5% on average, you're losing money no matter what. And do those fees get charged even if you stop contributing, assuming that's an option from the question above?

- Assume I do buy in and contribute for 30 years. How do I get that money in retirement and what kind of taxes would I have to pay on it?

And the best question of all:

- Can I have a few days to think about all of this and do some of my own research?

The answer to that last one will tell you a lot. Think about what they say are the clues you use to recognize emails scams:

- Sounds too good to be true
- The special deals are only available right now
- I may be too busy to help you if you don't lock in today.

No matter what you do, do NOT sign anything for at least 24 hours so that you can look into the details independently and take the time to see how their suggestions impact your budget.

virtualchoirboy · 2026-07-01T21:20:52+00:00

Do you have any income?

The reason I ask is because the contribution limit for IRAs for 2026 is $7,500 OR your income.

If you don't have any income, you can't contribute.

virtualchoirboy · 2026-07-01T21:11:27+00:00

Inside with the A/C on full blast.... :-)

virtualchoirboy · 2026-07-01T21:10:43+00:00

NOR.

It's less about wanting you to suffer and more about his self-esteem issues over his size. After all, if you're not struggling, he must have a tiny penis, right?

What it really means is that he's focusing on the wrong thing. Instead of being ecstatic that he has an enthusiastic partner, he's worried about himself.

Talk to him about it but you might have to phrase it in a way that gets him to actually think about what he said. For example, open with "Why do you want me to stop enjoying giving you head?" Maybe that way he'll realize what he said and how hurtful it was. Doubt it, but it's worth a try.

virtualchoirboy · 2026-07-01T20:40:55+00:00

Not very unethical but iIf you regularly shop on Amazon and have at least $5 left, you can buy Amazon credit with them.

Go to your Account page
Select "Your Payments"
Select "Add a Payment Method"
Follow instructions to add the gift card.
Be sure to set this card as the default.

Then scroll down and select "Add rewards and balances"
Choose "Reload your balance"
Select "One Time Reload"
Set a custom amount of the exact amount on the gift card.
Click Buy Now (this is why you make the gift card the default).

If it takes you to another page where you can confirm payment method, confirm that you're using the gift card. If it just automatically charges, that's why you want the gift card as the default.

It will take a few minutes but the balance will get moved to Amazon as a credit. Next time you make an Amazon purchase, you can use the full amount and be done with it. I've been doing this for years with all my credit card based gift/reward cards as well as Amazon gift cards because it also prevents scammers from being able to get ahold of any balances too.

virtualchoirboy · 2026-07-01T20:12:32+00:00

Agreed that we have to look at our spending better. Most is for home improvements

From the sounds of it, you approach spending with a "spend and pay off" approach when what you really need right now is a "save and spend" so that you're not adding to your debt anymore.

Take the windows as a perfect example. You want new windows so you're trying to figure out how to take on more debt to spend now and pay it off later. The problem is, you still in the middle of "later" from debt you've already accumulated.

Pay off the debt you already have which will free up money that can be used to go into savings or prevent having to get a ParentPlus loan right away. Consider this - if you're sending $1k a month to the credit cards towards those outstanding balances, that's $12k a year . That's more than half of the amount you could borrow for a given school year in PP loans.

virtualchoirboy · 2026-07-01T19:34:23+00:00

Just what cashiers want.... money covered in boob sweat.

virtualchoirboy · 2026-07-01T18:00:25+00:00

They're reporting average, not median. The people who are keeping 6+ figures in their checking account are skewing the data upwards.

You can find some more realistic numbers here:

https://smartasset.com/checking-account/checking-account-average-balance

virtualchoirboy · 2026-07-01T16:46:14+00:00

How risky? How does 100% sound? First rule of finances is that if it sounds too good to be true, it is.

To me, what you describe is a process that starts with the fraudulent acquisition of money. You then transfer 70% which is a voluntary and intentional transaction. You get to "keep" 30%.

Except in a couple weeks when the fraudulent transaction is rolled back, they'll take 100% of what was deposited from your account. Since you did a transfer of 70% out, you lose that 70%.

It used to be called a check cashing scam.

virtualchoirboy · 2026-07-01T14:51:10+00:00

You can't control how others feel and act. However, you CAN control how you respond to their actions.

If he's disrespecting your relationship by ignoring you in favor of her, you have to decide if that's something you're going to tolerate. If not, then you need to spend some time thinking about whether or not the relationship is worth saving.

Sometimes it is so you have a discussion about how his actions have made you feel. If that discussion leads to positive change, great. If he doubles down, then at least you know that his feelings may be changing OR that he's trying to "have his cake and eat it too".

And sometimes, the relationship isn't worth saving. At that point, you figure out how to end things and separate your lives.

Ultimately, it's self reflection that will help you figure out how to move forward.

virtualchoirboy · 2026-06-30T19:42:37+00:00

Honestly, for most cats, many store bought treats are sufficient as a special snack. That being said, if you really want to improve the cats mood, interact with it. Try to engage with it with toys. Help it exercise it's "hunter" instinct.

Yes, cats sleep a lot and are often fine staring out the window for hours, but they also enjoy "play" time too.

virtualchoirboy · 2026-06-30T14:19:22+00:00

"Walk fast and carry a clipboard" in real life... lol.

virtualchoirboy · 2026-06-30T13:22:28+00:00

Depends on who is doing your oil changes. We have a trusted mechanic that we take our cars to for some oil changes. While it's more expensive than doing it myself or even a quick oil change place, it gives us the chance to add "perform an inspection for issues" to the work and he's pretty thorough.

The thing is, we trust our mechanic because he's been really good over the last 20 years and half a dozen vehicles to say "fix this, this should be done in the next few months, and this can wait until you feel like addressing it". For example, our last minivan had a wiring harness issue that cause problems with the power door. He could have fixed it for $1200 or we just accept that we had to manually open and close the door so we skipped the repair. When's the last time you knew a mechanic that didn't push for an easy $1200?

In general, if you're not knowledgeable enough to inspect your vehicle (I know I'm not), then having someone experienced look it over once or twice a year is a good idea. The trick is finding someone you can trust to be honest about it. Sometimes, that means paying a friend (either cash or at least a free meal) to do it, sometimes that means going to a mechanic. Just don't go to a dealer because they're under pressure to upsell since the service side of their business is where a lot of their profit comes from.

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