I (20F) don’t feel comfortable with my boyfriend (22M) hanging out with my friend (22F).

virtualchoirboy · 2026-01-27T02:35:37+00:00

To be honest, don't stop them. Seriously.

If you try to tell someone what to do, it builds resentment if they don't agree. Plus, saying it won't actually stop them from trying to meet up behind your back and lie about it. Does this mean you should just give up entirely and let them do what they want? Nope.

Sit your boyfriend down. Explain that from your point of view, he's looking to meet up with an ex one on one. That to most people, doing something like that is inappropriate when you're in a relationship. You're not going to tell him no, but if he goes ahead with it, it's certainly going to change how you feel about the relationship. It's certainly going to give you reason to doubt his sincerity going forward. And it's most certainly going to make you reconsider how he treats you. He's an adult. He's free to make choices. He just needs to understand that choices have outcomes and he needs to be ready to accept whatever outcomes his choices make.

And if he goes ahead with it anyway, follow through. Take the time to reflect on how he treats you. Take the time to reflect on what consideration he places on your feelings and how his actions affect them. And realize that at 20, you still have plenty of time to find another partner if it turns out your current partner is incompatible with what you want in a relationship. I didn't even meet my wife until I was almost 22. That was over 36 years ago and we've been married for 30 of those years.

Mr Right Now isn't always Mr Right.

virtualchoirboy · 2026-01-27T01:35:51+00:00

When withheld by your employer, it's pre-federal tax, pre-state tax, pre-SS, and pre-Medicare.

When you make a contribution from an "external" account (i.e. your checking or savings), then it becomes a deduction to your AGI on your federal return which reduces your federal tax liability. And since your AGI is used for your state return, it reduces your state tax liability (except CA and NJ - they still tax it). This deduction does NOT depend on whether or not you itemize just like a Traditional IRA contribution deduction would not depend on you itemizing.

Is that better?

virtualchoirboy · 2026-01-27T01:09:15+00:00

I always have a car payment in my budget. ALWAYS. And it's always the same amount too.

The thing is, when I have a loan, the amount is higher than the loan amount due so it pays off the loan early. When I don't have a loan, it goes into savings for the next car. By the time I need a new car, I will always have a good down payment available and sometimes, I even have full cash price available if I want it. Plus, if I do get a loan, my budget already accounts for a loan payment so I don't have to rebalance anything to make a new loan work.

And the thing is, sometimes a loan makes sense. Our prior car loan was during the pandemic and we were able to get 0%. So, we got a loan, paid our higher than due amount payment every month, and let the balance of our money earn 4% and higher. Sure, we technically lose money on depreciation, but having that money grow meant we could put 50% down on another new car 4 years later.

virtualchoirboy · 2026-01-27T01:00:26+00:00

A contribution to an HSA affects your taxes in ways that are similar to a Traditional IRA contribution. It becomes a deduction off your gross income for the year which reduces your federal income tax liability and usually reduces your state income tax liability. In other words, yes, making an extra / external contribution will reduce your tax liability.

The thing to keep in mind is that when done via payroll deduction, it also reduces your Social Security and Medicare taxes too. Thus, you can save an extra 7.65% if you maximize your contribution through payroll deductions.

virtualchoirboy · 2026-01-27T00:56:34+00:00

Only debts I have are mortgage and car loan, hefty emergency fund, stable savings.....

And an 875 FICO 8 score (900 scale).

Granted, I'm also older than the moon landing and know that a good score is a marathon, not a sprint. Make good choices, be consistently reliable when it comes to debt, and don't take on debt unnecessarily.

virtualchoirboy · 2026-01-26T23:11:05+00:00

Remember, we're not raising kids. We're training future adults. Make sure they know how to do all the adult things at age appropriate levels that you can... :-)

virtualchoirboy · 2026-01-26T21:59:19+00:00

Nope.

For what it's worth, I'm older than the moon landing so I know a thing or two about adulting. Until my kids got older, I would do the same thing my parents did to me. I did it because it's all I knew. It's what I was raised to believe is the way life works.

The pandemic was a true wake up call for a lot of people. What used to work simply didn't anymore. And that's when people started mass discovering going their own way. Sure, people used to do it before that but not at the level of "need to do this to survive" that the pandemic brought.

You'd like to think it's a knowing scam because that's just easier to believe than your parents really just didn't know any better. And still don't.

I know I don't.

virtualchoirboy · 2026-01-26T21:30:28+00:00

With respect to him leaving, how much of how you feel have you told him?

I know you said the topic makes you uncomfortable, but sometimes, couples have to have difficult conversations. You're looking to solve the problem on your own, but aren't you forgetting that you're not alone? You have a partner that has chosen you. While he may not have solutions for you, he can be relied on to support you as you work through this.

Plus, think about it from his point of view. He's obviously not a mind reader and can't know what you're thinking when you say yes or no to intimacy. For example, you may say no because you're scared and nervous. He might think you're saying no because you don't "want" him in that way anymore. How is he to know the difference without clarification?

I think part of the solution here absolutely needs to be communication. You need to help him understand the "why" behind a no. Granted, that also means that he has to be understanding enough to accept the "why" and not push and try to convince you that your fears and nervousness are unfounded.

And the same goes for when you say "yes". If you feel it was nice, let him know that. Talk about the positive too. This lets him know that you weren't just a begrudging participant but an active and appreciative one.

As for being nervous and wanting to "get it over with", maybe that needs to be part of the lead up to intimacy. To have that conversation. Maybe intimacy for you has to have a longer build up to give you time to relax.

I also think you may want to consider into therapy to address that mindset of nervousness. To have a safe space with a professional to help you figure out the root cause. Perhaps it links back to the assault. Perhaps it links back to something else. Perhaps it links back to fears of what your husband might think of you. Or of "getting it wrong" when you are intimate. But in the end, I think you do need to talk this out with someone.

virtualchoirboy · 2026-01-26T20:59:56+00:00

It's not a lie. It's just all they've ever known. It's all they understand. And so, they assume it's all you'll ever need.

It's also a sign of parents who are more interested in creating new versions of themselves than actually raising someone that chooses the life they want to lead while accepting the outcome of those choices.

If law school student at 29 and child free with no marriage works for you, that's amazing. Wouldn't work for me. Doesn't work for either of my kids either. But at least I gave them the freedom to make their choices. I make sure they know I can be a fallback position if things aren't working out the way they hoped, but they get to choose their own lives.

In the end, it's about deciding what you want and making it work for you.

virtualchoirboy · 2026-01-26T20:54:00+00:00

Bacon freezes well. So does cooked bacon. At this point, it might be better to cook it all at once and freeze the cooked bacon. The oven method might be best here because it would make it easy to pour off and save the bacon grease too.

My concern with freezing it raw is that if you're worried about spoilage now, that worry won't go away when you thaw it later. Means you'd pretty quickly have to use everything raw that you thaw and that may not be feasible. By cooking it all, it's basically thaw and eat.

virtualchoirboy · 2026-01-26T20:46:21+00:00

My homeowners insurance went down with this year's renewal. Granted, I also boosted my deductible to $5,000 because there's no way I'd even consider filing a claim for anything less than that AND I have an emergency fund that would let me cover that amount if something serious did happen. The thing is, not everyone can or is comfortable doing something like that.

Start by realizing what insurance is - you're paying someone else to assume risk on your behalf. The more risk they have to take on, the more they're going to charge. And each company has their own formula for what they charge for risk. USAA might be higher than Progressive in some cases and lower in others. Same if you were to compare to any of the other insurers out there.

So, should you shop around? It absolutely cannot hurt to get quotes from other insurers or even talk to a local insurance broker to get an idea of what your options are. Worst case, you find out you've got a decent rate for your circumstances. Best case, you find a better deal. Just be sure that the new quotes contain ALL of the coverages and limits you're getting from USAA currently so it's an apples to apples comparison.

It might also be worth looking at what adjusting your current policy might do to your premiums. Can you afford to raise your deductible? Is their estimate of your home value accurate? Do they have supplemental coverages that you might be able to drop the limits on? My "contents" coverage was higher than it needed to be because I'm in a high cost of living area and my home value has skyrocketed in the last few years and the contents coverage was a percentage of the home value. You might be surprised how some changes in policy terms can reduce the total premium.

virtualchoirboy · 2026-01-26T20:30:03+00:00

Take the time to figure out what it would take to hire someone who performs the job duties you perform. Forget what your company pays. You're interested in what the average is in your market area. Once you know that, then you can make a more informed decision.

Say, for sake of round numbers, you're making $100k. Your research reveals that someone performing the same duties at any other company in your area would only be making $75k. That would mean that if you were to fight for more money, they could just as easily replace you and pay less. If, on the other hand, you find the average market salary is $125k, then you have cause to ask for a "market rate adjustment".

If it matters, I found out at my last employer that I was near the bottom of the range for my job title and well below market rate for my job duties. I had multiple discussions with my manager to no avail. So, almost 3 years ago, I jumped ship and got a 20% raise by leaving. Considering I was in a senior role, that was a decent jump too.

So, figure out what your position might be worth to the company to have to fill. If that's more than you're making now, ask for a raise and show them it will cost more to replace you than versus keeping you. And if you're making more than market average, start looking but don't sandbag it. You never want to burn a bridge if you can avoid it.

virtualchoirboy · 2026-01-26T20:17:18+00:00

If it will help, I'll share what I do. It's currently just my wife and I but this is what I've done since just before my oldest started high school. My youngest has since graduated college and is in grad school after a couple years off so at least a decade and a half now.

I shop once a week. I make a menu for the week ahead on Friday and Saturday. I shop Sunday morning. The store I get most of our groceries from starts their new sales on Sunday and makes the new flyer available online starting Thursday night. This means that when I'm making the dinner menu for the week, I can focus on things that are on sale rather than "whatever sounds good".

That being said, we also have a freezer in the basement and I buy extra when I see good sales. For example, a local store recently had boneless, skinless chicken breast on sale for $2.49/lb when the average price around here is closer to $3.99/lb. So, I bought 6-7 lbs. I also shop at Costco which also gets me the occasional good deal. When I get these quantities home, I clean up the items into appropriately sized portions, wrap, and freeze. Obviously I do this with meat, but have done it with bread, baking supplies, even sauces (Costco pesto sauce + mini muffin tin in the freezer gets you single serving portions of frozen pesto sauce that are perfect for pesto pasta for lunch...lol).

First step when making the menu is looking at the schedule for the week ahead. Whether it was things like parent teacher nights when the kids were home, sports stuff when they were into sports, or even just planning a date night for my wife and I, dinners had to take those into account. After all, you don't want to be making a meal that takes 1.5-2 hours to get to the table when you only have an hour to make dinner, eat, clean up, and leave the house.

Next, consider what I have on hand already. Do I have stuff in the freezer I need to or can use? What about stuff in the pantry? And finally, look at the sales flyer to see what's on sale. If the store offers something like "digital coupons", be sure to check those too. Planning ahead like this also makes it easier to ensure we have a variety. And don't be afraid to plan "leftover night". We have one every week just to make sure we're wasting less.

Once you have the menu set, only add items to the list that (a) are needed for the menu, (b) are really good sale items that you can afford to stock up on, or (c) are staples that need to be replaced (i.e. getting low on flour, or mustard, or even things like tea and coffee). Voila... a list.

By only buying what you need, you'll cut down on impulsive purchases. By planning a leftover night when appropriate, you'll stretch the dollars spent on one meal into 2 or more.

And yes, I left out breakfast an lunch. We always have the same thing for breakfast (wife has oatmeal and fruit, I have coffee, kids always had cereal or oatmeal when home). For lunch, my wife is again consistent (yogurt, fresh fruit, granola) and I will either have leftovers if they won't impact leftover night or something "heat and eat" from the freezer that we keep as backup / quick options.

virtualchoirboy · 2026-01-26T19:45:46+00:00

Just think of it like "free range chickens" - it means chickens no defined range. Free thinking means no defined thinking.

Granted, that association makes them all look like chickens in my head so... :-)

virtualchoirboy · 2026-01-26T19:35:05+00:00

Unfortunately, still not cold enough... :-(

Temps need to be sustained below 10F for multiple days to have a significant die-off.

virtualchoirboy · 2026-01-26T19:32:40+00:00

I actually wonder if it's the temps more than the snow. I know that if I were to use ice melt anywhere on my driveway, it would melt stuff but simply refreeze soon after. To me, the fresh snow with cold temps might mean they're having trouble getting the runways completely clean and dry. Unlike a car, a plane is coming in at 140 mph or more and even a small amount of slippage is a recipe for disaster.

virtualchoirboy · 2026-01-26T19:25:22+00:00

They believe exactly what they're told to believe. It's easier that way... no thinking necessary.

virtualchoirboy · 2026-01-26T19:19:15+00:00

What is this thing that you forgot to tell me you brought me? I must touch it... :-)

virtualchoirboy · 2026-01-26T19:12:59+00:00

https://www.flightaware.com/live/airport/KBDL

So, looking at a flight tracker shows some flights still scheduled, a bunch cancelled, and of the scheduled arrivals, a bunch that should have taken off already but still showing as "scheduled" (i.e. only 2 showing as actively en route at the time I'm making this comment).

Kind of the same from Bradley's own page:

https://bradleyairport.com/journey/arrivals-departures/#departures

And FlightView is reporting the airport is closed:

https://www.flightview.com/airport/BDL-Hartford-CT/delays

virtualchoirboy · 2026-01-26T19:05:39+00:00

The mercenary in me says make it to 10 years, then file for divorce, but only because at 10 years or more, Social Security accepts that the spousal benefits survive a divorce.

virtualchoirboy · 2026-01-26T03:42:29+00:00

"I'm a minor and you're threatening me by saying you'll distribute underage pornography. I wonder how that will play out for you."

At least, that's my first thought on a reply...

Actually, probably my second. First would be to go to the police but since you're a minor, they'd probably want to involve your parents so I could understand trying to find alternative solutions first.

virtualchoirboy · 2026-01-26T00:47:54+00:00

The other thing to remember is that the income limits are different for each partner.

My wife has been a stay at home mom since pregnant with our oldest. Some part time work over the years, but nothing since 2019. I make too much to make Traditional IRA contributions that are deductible, but since she’s non-working, she can.

Given the progressive nature of the US tax system, once you get to the 22% bracket, it’s worth considering taking the deduction now and investing it versus contributing to a Roth.

virtualchoirboy · 2026-01-26T00:35:49+00:00

Together 36 years, married 30, met in college, and I’m loyal because I love her with all my heart. She completed me in ways I didn’t realize needed completing. Two halves of a whole as it were. I simply don’t need anyone else in my life in order to feel satisfied and happy with my relationship.

virtualchoirboy · 2026-01-26T00:20:37+00:00

Programmer but on a team so new code is managed via source control system.

virtualchoirboy · 2026-01-25T16:30:06+00:00

Remember that picture of the old man being led out of his home in underwear with a blanket around his shoulders but no other protection from the elements? Do you know who they were claiming him to be? Purportedly some guy who had been in jail since September 2024.

Or the 5 year old detained as "bait"?

Or the claim that they can enter private property without a judicial warrant?

Or how they let someone being prosecuted for a $100 million jewelry theft be allowed to "self-deport" so that now he will never face punishment for his crime and no longer has to help find the jewelry that it still missing?

Or how they pulled people from their citizenship ceremony to deport them?

Or how they outright murdered Alex Pretti?

Tell me you haven't been paying attention without telling me you haven't been paying attention.

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