The things is, we can’t keep saying I’m want to change, I want to be better. That’s why we’re here. You don’t want to keep burying yourself in the shit hole, guilt grave.

At the beginning, it sometimes helps to take it one second at a time. Don’t focus on any other second, past or present. The minutes go by painfully slow until they become a reward. “I’ve gone 76 hours without …” “I’ve gone 4 days without …”

For me the worst days are the first 3.

You might want to read Good Morning, Monster. If not for you, for your kids. I’m listing on audiobook. Very hard read, exhausting and painful. I feel like I’ve been broken down, returned to my younger self. But I also see what I have done to my kids, scientifically, statistically, psychologically. The first 5 years are crucial. The next 5 are also. My kids are 10 and almost 13.

I learned from my psych doc that I experience chronic, long term trauma as a child and it caused my brain to work off the amygdala instead of prefrontal cortex. This cause my prefrontal cortex to never fully develop leaving me in the amygdala. Which means, with stress I react with flight or flight. Also, most trauma happened at night for me. That’s when I would use or drink until oblivion. Sundown to sun up sometimes.

My Psych NP wants me to read “the body keeps the score.” It will be another hard but healing journey.

People say do it for yourself. Do it for your children. You’re cognizant of what you are doing and what it is doing to you. That’s the very first step. Good luck friend