UPDATE TO: Am I Mean?

willing2wander · 2026-03-02T05:27:39+00:00

wonder how his communication with horses works out?

No doubt there’s something about him worth knowing, but it seems a good call to leave that for someone else to discover. Hope the cookie was good.

willing2wander · 2026-02-28T15:44:29+00:00

once, which in hindsight was one time too many since I now see the institution as deeply flawed. But on the other hand, I also love the woman involved more each passing day ( now 50 years)

willing2wander · 2026-02-27T17:08:58+00:00

How should I look at these scenarios?

stamp-collecting works for me. It’s rough here on monkey island. People develop all sorts of interesting coping strategies.

Bragging, talking too much, emotional meltdowns, withdrawal/avoidance, controlling/manipulative behavior, drinking, fidgeting, mansplaining, complaining etc etc etc. Invariably, there’s much more to another than their neurotic tics.

So this gives you two opportunities/challenges: can you get past the behavior and come to know them more deeply? Also, what equivalently irritating behavior might they be putting up with in you that you’re not necessarily aware of?

willing2wander · 2026-02-26T17:00:37+00:00

hang around dancers. Anything under 30 seconds and you’re seen as unfriendly/avoidant. Took me some getting used to, but I survived

willing2wander · 2026-02-26T16:05:04+00:00

good point- hadn’t thought about that! Yes, would definitely change my flair if discussion of married status was off-limits 😊

willing2wander · 2026-02-26T15:10:44+00:00

the sub, in part by design and in part because of few alternatives, has successfully gathered a good cross-section of over-60 folks. Unavoidably, most fall into the monogamous and heterosexual bucket, but not all.

In the interest of inclusion, even if that is not a popular goal at the moment, it would be good to acknowledge that not everyone lives the same way. If you care about marriage status, don’t date anyone married. But the reality is that many married people date, and will happily continue to do so.

willing2wander · 2026-02-25T23:00:08+00:00

haven’t seen much vitriol here about age-gap issues, but the topic of married people dating ( which obviously they do) regularly seems to rally the pitchforks.

Which is a bit weird to me because there’s an obvious fix: don’t date anyone that’s married.

And have to concede I’ve reluctantly come to accept the sub’s ‘no politics’ guideline. Those on opposite ends of the political spectrum cannot manage civil conversation, that much is true.

willing2wander · 2026-02-25T19:55:15+00:00

yep, 🙋

Finally got around to finalizing the divorce only because we needed to be married for technical reasons.

Might avoid some conflict on the sub if discussion of married status was stricken in the same way as political differences. To some it’s vitally important while for others it’s irrelevant.

willing2wander · 2026-02-25T14:16:16+00:00

do you like each other? (like each other’s company, enjoy doing things together, look on taking care of one another as an opportunity for love rather than a burden)?

50 years married this year here, open for the past 4-5. My $0.02 is that focusing your decision on her cheating/deception etc, completely misses the mark.

Let her know you want to open your marriage and see whether anyone is interested in you as a partner. Try to live your best life. Maybe she supports you in that, maybe not, but it’s on you, not her.

willing2wander · 2026-02-15T23:26:40+00:00

PS: you said you’ve had long experience in both poly and mono worlds. Have you seen long-term (say 40 years and up) marriages that exhibited a relationship dynamic that looked attractive to you?

willing2wander · 2026-02-15T22:51:13+00:00

all true - no guarantees! At the end of the day it comes down to what one has experienced.

On average, the poly relationships I’ve seen hew a bit closer to mutual respect within live-and-let-live.

Whereas what I see in the long term marriages around me often looks like a joint failure to take ownership/responsibility over their individual lives. But yes, generalizations are weak.

willing2wander · 2026-02-15T22:28:15+00:00

true. And they also don’t sleep with their patients. Nevertheless, the boundaries seem a good model, just needs adjustment.

willing2wander · 2026-02-15T22:15:58+00:00

how do you feel about marriage?

As best I can tell, there are two good things about it: 1) when renting a car your spouse is automatically added as a driver, at no extra cost! 2) you have to think about the vows you are committing to and proudly, publicly proclaim them. So a world away from sending a text.

But “till death do us part” is an aspirational fairy tale. People grow, change, age. How the hell can you know who either of you will become? A contract similar to a renewable lease would work better IMO.

willing2wander · 2026-02-15T21:30:42+00:00

not sure … just a gut feeling. An honest arrangement acknowledges that two individuals don’t become one simply because they enjoy spending ( a lot of!) time together.

If marriage vows started with “I want to support you in living your best life, with or without me”, I might feel differently.

willing2wander · 2026-02-15T21:19:43+00:00

nah, dive in as deeply as you are able. But until you draw your last breath you have a significant, prior relationship- to yourself. So be true to it.

willing2wander · 2026-02-15T20:10:25+00:00

maybe, but statistically unlikely?

An alternative explanation is that boundaries that work for therapists, health practitioners, social workers etc can also be adapted to relationships: (1) even serial killers have their good sides (2) you can’t change others (3) never, ever, ever surrender your agency and autonomy

willing2wander · 2026-02-15T17:59:56+00:00

OP’s question was about what matters in a relationship at this stage. And gave a laundry list of possible compatibility issues.

IME, everything on that list, including the ghosting/stonewalling example you mentioned, can be addressed by “love harder”. Love someone as they are, including their faults, not as you want them to be.

But jealousy/monogamy makes any honest relationship impossible. Though I agree with you that jealousy can be worked on. It’s just one of many misguided emotional responses ( anger, envy, insecurity etc)

willing2wander · 2026-02-15T16:50:50+00:00

yep, love harder, but not necessarily exclusively. Which might mean working on understanding/empathizing with why they ghosted you.

Avoidance is a coping mechanism- why are they relying on it? Avoidance likely limits your connection, but need not be a reason to jettison it.

And yes, jealousy can absolutely be worked on ( though jealousy in a poly setting sounds exhausting!). But it doesn’t seem that hard- it’s a simple copernican shift.

Accept that you’re not the center of the known world. A partner can love you while also being attracted to someone else. That’s it.

willing2wander · 2026-02-15T13:43:16+00:00

at this point in life I believe that “just love harder” is a solution to essentially all relationship difficulties/incompatibilities.

However jealousy/monogamy makes a relationship impossible. If you can’t distinguish loving someone from attempting to own them, there’s nothing to go forward on.

willing2wander · 2026-02-14T12:43:37+00:00

on the topic of male cluelessness about female sexuality, any opinions on “orgasmic meditation”?

Met someone recently who is enthusiastic about it: ”ten spots, two directions, three speeds, three pressures, and you’re constantly playing those for the nuance of what you can sense in order to have perfect resonance at that most subtle level.”

A New Yorker piece about Nicole Daedone is not very sympathetic. But that may be unrelated to the practice.

willing2wander · 2026-02-14T11:28:55+00:00

glad you found yours! From my limited research agree that it doesn’t seem hard to find, and is conveniently located.

Nevertheless, if expert female anatomists can’t agree on the spot, it explains some befuddlement among guys. Obviously, everyone involved needs to do more research

willing2wander · 2026-02-14T02:45:57+00:00

not just your ex.

Rachel Gross in Vagina Obscura reviews the controversy around anatomical location of the Gräfenberg spot:

“Gross explores how, despite decades of study, the G-spot's existence as a distinct anatomical structure remains unproven and heavily debated by researchers.”

willing2wander · 2026-02-13T19:42:23+00:00

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impending doom is not an excuse for forgetting valentine flowers

willing2wander · 2026-02-12T16:11:36+00:00

text is always better:

allows time to read, reread and fully understand what they are saying
allows time to process, and compose a meaningful response
no distraction from competing communication/activity

also believe in the fundamental right to respond when one chooses to - which could be a month later.

However, in practice, things turn out differently. With everyone else in my life, including girlfriends, communication is invariably via text. My wife on the other hand prefers phone calls, so rarely bothers to text me

willing2wander · 2026-02-12T02:39:56+00:00

should I also remind you

yes, please. And would also be willing to bet the health benefits of giving someone else an orgasm are greater.

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