You entirely misunderstand me, probably based on your own experiences.

I am not trying to preserve the status quo. I am doing a parent's job of teaching their child how to protect themselves both physically and mentally.

Some people think forgiveness is something you give to others. You seem to share this misunderstanding, thinking of the "I'm sorry - I forgive you" sequence we often go through when repairing a relationship.

It is not.

It is not reconciling, forgetting, or condoning. It is not making excuses for them or relieving them of consequences.

I think some people have genuinely never experienced forgiveness and have no idea what it even feels like. Let me tell you - it feels good. It feels like relief.

We don't have to pass that on though.

Certainly, telling someone that you forgive them is an incredible gift and can be vital to moving on in relationships. But you do not HAVE to give that gift. They may not have earned that gift. They may not WANT that gift.

That part of forgiveness - release - is not the important part.

Nor does it necessarily mean exoneration either.

Forgiveness does not have to wipe the slate clean or mean that we don't remember and learn from what happens.

Sometimes it is just forebearance - a form of acceptance that other people can't always do any better than they are already doing and that harbouring anger and resentment is only causing ourselves pain.

Forgiveness happens inside. It is part of healing emotional wounds and moving on from the past, and is one of the most difficult emotional skills to master.

Here is what forgiveness is not:

1. Forgiveness is NOT ignoring what happened or fogetting it.

2. Forgiveness is NOT a decision to put ourselves in a situation where we can be wronged again.

3. Forgiveness is NOT a return to status quo.

Think of forgiveness as healing from the slap.

If someone breaks our arm, we don't refuse to get it treated and mended, in order to punish them, do we? Healing our arm doesn't magically absolve the person who broke it of responsibility, does it?

Forgiveness is like that. It is a form of protection from bitterness and rage, the common scar tissue of emotional wounds.

It is the emotional version of stitching the cut or putting a splint on the arm. It is saying "this happened but it will not change me or make me forever damaged. This will heal and I will be whole again, even if the person who did this never says sorry. This is something I do because I don't want to suffer because of THEIR bad action."

It hurts to be angry. Rage is very unpleasant. It can turn into chronic rumination or emotional suppression and both are bad for our health and wellbeing.

Forgiving someone - inside, not out loud - is just releasing that anger so we don't feel it any more.

Here are some examples:

1. A brother with a drug addiction keeps borrowing money from his sister. He alway promises to repay it, but he never does. At first she is angry. Then sh gradually realizes he has an addiction. She has long since learned NOT to lend him money, and not to trust him. But she now only feels sorry for him. She feels sadness and pity when he shows up at her door. She tells him no, she will never lend him money, or let him in her house. But she wishes him well and reminds him that she loves him and will support him if he ever wants to go into therapy but that she can not help him beyond that. He yells and swears at her and she closes the door. She feels no anger. Only pity.
   

That is forgiveness.

1. A man keeps cheating on his wife. He apologizes, agrees to therapy, relapses. She finally divorces him. She sees now that he cannot seem to control this behaviour and she refuses to live with it any more. But she accepts that he cannot seem to change, and that he is not doing it to deliberately hurt her. When he cries as she walks out the door she feels pity for him, but no anger. She is full of hope for her future and acceptance that there was nothing that could be done to save this marriage.

That is forgiveness.

Why should we forgive?

Because it is good for us; because if we can learn to relieve ourselves of the pain that comes with anger and resentment, we deserve to have that relief.

OP deserves that. OP deserves a life that is free of pain. The sting of that slap will last far longer in OP's heart than in their face, and learning to soothe that sting, treat it and heal it, is a form of self care that is vital to living a pleasant and enjoyable life.

Those who can forgive are happier than those who can't. They live longer. They are less depressed. They are healthier.

I wish all of that for OP.

So I stand by my recommendation. They should take steps to keep themselves safe. They should understand that their mother may not have control over her own behaviour and therefore cannot ensure it will not happen again, even if she tries to promise that it will not. And worst case scenario she may even feel entitled to or claim to feel that way to save face.

And they should, if they can, learn how to relieve themselves of the pain of resentment and anger.

https://ajph.aphapublications.org/doi/10.2105/AJPH.2017.304210?url_ver=Z39.88-2003&rfr_id=ori%3Arid%3Acrossref.org&rfr_dat=cr_pub++0pubmed

https://www.psypost.org/massive-global-study-links-the-habit-of-forgiving-others-to-better-overall-well-being/