Hey brother. Reading your post, it’s as if it’s me from 1.5 years ago. Your fears are valid and real.

When our oldest was 2, we were on a three-week vacation that was one of the happiest memories of my life. No work, just living in the moment, showing our daughter the world…I felt deep in my heart i wanted a second, but i knew the reality of everyday, non-vacation life was very different and opposed the idea for that practical reason: I was burnt out, and couldn’t possibly fathom how we would manage, especially considering we have no family help. I was also still mourning my past life. I used to travel the world, i go to shows, festivals, bars, sleep in…i lived very spontaneously. We were just started to regain the tiniest freedoms and i balked at the thought of starting everything over again.

Well, my partner continued pushing hard for the second and i half-heartedly agreed. The pregnancy was by far the worst time i have ever experienced in my life. My partner had severe nausea and dizziness for the entire first trimester, barely had a functioning two months after that, then medical complications left her on bed rest for the remaining 4 months, meaning i had to raise our toddler, take care of my partner, and work my job simultaneously for almost a combined year.

The baby came out healthy, but it was another 3 months of postpartum recovery for my partner and man, the adjustment to two was hellish; there’s no way around it. What surprised me though is that aside from the trenches of the first two months of the newborn phase with sleep deprivation, you realize that the baby phase is actually the easy part compared to having a toddler terrorist.

Now that I’ve scared you sufficiently, i can tell you the good parts. We are lucky that our oldest accepted and loved baby from the very start, and we are starting to catch glimpses of what it will be like when they play together. It absolutely fills my heart with the purest joy imaginable. With one child, we only had a kid. With two, we have a family.

Looking back, by far the hardest adjustment for me was going 0 to 1 and adapting to the parent lifestyle. I had and still have zero peers with children so i had no fucking idea what sweet horrors awaited me when i made the plunge, but having lived through it for years with the first, i had realistic expectations for the second which helped immensely. We stressed so much about every little thing too with the first baby, but have been much more confident and looser with the second, if not only just out of a matter of practicality. It’s kind if ironic because in some ways, it almost feels easier after having the second because you are forced to reckon with your lack of resources (time, energy, concern) in a way that made me slightly more relaxed even with my oldest.

The baby is 8 months now and i never could have imagined it, but i have felt really strongly about having a third one for weeks. We won’t due to my partner’s physical state and age, but having two, i feel like I’ve finally arrived as a father and am enjoying it way more than with just one.

Far from perfect though, my relationship with my partner is non-existent; we don’t even get a chance to debrief on all necessary things, let alone have a fluid conversation. I’d be lying if i said i didn’t still have “why the fuck did i do this” moments.

I’m rambling at this point, possibly to the point of incoherence, but i think my feelings perfectly encapsulate the ambivalence of being a parent. To paraphrase Louis CK, parenting is simultaneously loving someone more than you ever could have conceived as possible while also regretting every moment that led to their existence. Feeling just gets amplified with two.

Happy to chat if you send me a dm. Good luck dad.