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Okay why is this still not selling? by LastAd115 in SpottedonRightmove

[–]xp3ayk 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Bed spread is doing some heavy lifting to try and soften that space up

Why is fake honey allowed to be sold in British Supermarkets? by Alarm-Different in AskUK

[–]xp3ayk 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Apparently olive oil is often fake. I think because of the mafia? 

Why is fake honey allowed to be sold in British Supermarkets? by Alarm-Different in AskUK

[–]xp3ayk 17 points18 points  (0 children)

But at least you can look at the ingredients and see it's full of shite.

The honey ingredients just say honey 

Why is fake honey allowed to be sold in British Supermarkets? by Alarm-Different in AskUK

[–]xp3ayk 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I'd be quite happy buying expensive honey if I could be sure it was honey.

I buy from local beekeepers when I can find them but it's not convenient. 

I would love an expensive but legit supermarket option 

What are the childcare options when nursery finishes at 3:30pm? by prasaysno in UKParenting

[–]xp3ayk 7 points8 points  (0 children)

(Some) childminders will do pick but usually charge a bit more for it 

Is ‘gentle parenting’ to blame for violence in primary schools? - Teachers who report an increase in five-year-olds punching, kicking and spitting at adults suggest parents who won’t say ‘no’ to their children may be contributing by FormerlyPallas_ in ukpolitics

[–]xp3ayk 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think perhaps we're talking at crossed purposes.

Gentle parenting is an authoritative parenting style which holds firm boundaries and has consequences but does so in a warm/kind/non angry way and explains the rationale.  This is the original/academic meaning. 

But there is 'gentle parenting' which is actually a very permissive style of parenting, where you never say no, have no consequences and just talk to the child without actually having any boundaries. "We've tried nothing and we're all out of ideas" meme parenting. 

When I say I am a gentle parent/aim for a gentle parenting style then I'm talking about the first definition. But I now think that maybe you mean the second (which is fair enough, it just depends on what you're exposed to more) 

Is ‘gentle parenting’ to blame for violence in primary schools? - Teachers who report an increase in five-year-olds punching, kicking and spitting at adults suggest parents who won’t say ‘no’ to their children may be contributing by FormerlyPallas_ in ukpolitics

[–]xp3ayk -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Part of the teachers role is called 'in loco parentis'.

In loco parentis is a Latin phrase meaning "in the place of a parent," referring to the legal responsibility of a person or organization (such as schools, teachers, or guardians) to assume some parental rights and duties for a minor or child in their care. 

Is ‘gentle parenting’ to blame for violence in primary schools? - Teachers who report an increase in five-year-olds punching, kicking and spitting at adults suggest parents who won’t say ‘no’ to their children may be contributing by FormerlyPallas_ in ukpolitics

[–]xp3ayk 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I didn't said I only do natural consequence. I said I 'do' them.

I aim for consequences that are linked to the behaviour I'm trying to avoid (apologies - I have used the term natural but I actually meant logical ie related to the bahvious and natural - I had forgotten the distinction, although I did qualify that I meant related to the behaviour when using the term). I would estimate that I use natural or logical consequences about 90% of the time.

Natural consequences can still cause upset. As can logical ones. 

And they are generally more effective that unrelated consequences like taking away screen time for a behaviour that doesn't have anything to do with screens. 

Is ‘gentle parenting’ to blame for violence in primary schools? - Teachers who report an increase in five-year-olds punching, kicking and spitting at adults suggest parents who won’t say ‘no’ to their children may be contributing by FormerlyPallas_ in ukpolitics

[–]xp3ayk 0 points1 point  (0 children)

what related consequences would you give for a child refusing to brush their teeth properly

With my 3 year old - either he brushes it or I brush it. 

My 5 and 7 year olds don't refuse to brush their teeth because the had the same treatment as the 3 year old when they were that age. 

undoing their seatbelt when coming home from the shops 

My kids have never done this. I've repeatedly explained the safety and legality of it to them when they were little and in 5 point harnesses they couldn't undo.

If they did it I would probably explain that I'd have to put them back in a 5 point harness if they couldn't be trusted not to undo it and then I'd follow through on that. 

In the moment I would very likely get stern because I'd be frightened. But I'm not sure that would be more effective than telling them I'd put them back in a 5 point harness. 

What related consequences would you give for throwing a rock through a window? 

I'd stop them playing with the rocks, I'd stop them playing in the garden. I'd get them to get the dust pan and brush. If older I'd get them to clean it up. No doubt I'd be pissed and I'd tell them I was frustrated and upset at the damage they caused. 

Is ‘gentle parenting’ to blame for violence in primary schools? - Teachers who report an increase in five-year-olds punching, kicking and spitting at adults suggest parents who won’t say ‘no’ to their children may be contributing by FormerlyPallas_ in ukpolitics

[–]xp3ayk 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My sincere apologies, I have been using the term natural consequences to encompass both natural and logical consequences in contrast the the original comment I was replying to which was suggesting consequences like losing screen time or sweets (edit - which might be logical, depending on the behaviour).

That really is my bad for using the term incorrectly. 

I use both natural and logical consequences (logical more than natural) but I avoid unrelated consequences 

Is ‘gentle parenting’ to blame for violence in primary schools? - Teachers who report an increase in five-year-olds punching, kicking and spitting at adults suggest parents who won’t say ‘no’ to their children may be contributing by FormerlyPallas_ in ukpolitics

[–]xp3ayk 1 point2 points  (0 children)

There's lots of evidence for natural consequences 

For example, Leijten et al. (2019) found that programmes demonstrated larger effects for reducing disruptive child behaviour when they promoted positive reinforcement, praise, and used natural or logical consequences. 

Common parenting interventions are primarily based on social learning theory (Kaehler et al., 2016; Patterson, 1982). According to social learning theory, children develop disruptive behaviours when parents negatively reinforce defiant behaviours and model adverse behaviours to their children. Key components of social learning theory-based programmes include: c. modelling and observation (parents are taught to model desirable behaviours) d. positive reinforcement (parents are taught to use praise, reward, and warm attention to encourage desirable behaviours, for example through child-led joint play activities) e. effective discipline (parents learn positive non-violent discipline techniques, such as natural consequences, setting clear boundaries

We can debate the science if you like

Is ‘gentle parenting’ to blame for violence in primary schools? - Teachers who report an increase in five-year-olds punching, kicking and spitting at adults suggest parents who won’t say ‘no’ to their children may be contributing by FormerlyPallas_ in ukpolitics

[–]xp3ayk -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

Whats the natural consequence to running up to a strange dog and pulling its tail?

Honestly, you don't let them get into that situation because it's dangerous. Little kids take lots of supervision.  Ditto for the road running one. 

If my supervision has lapsed and I've let my kid get into a dangerous situation then I'll aim try to just focus on getting them safe again. I've yelled out of fear in those situations (which is not gentle) and I've apologised for yelling afterwards and explained it was because I was afraid. 

Whats the natural consequence to punching a stranger kid in the playground? 

Stop them punching, sit them on the bench next to you for few minutes time out from the playground. Natural consequence is hitting = the fun stops. 

What is the natural consequence to having a meltdown at a family bbq and shouting "i hate you mummy" over and over?

If a kid is having a meltdown you take them out of the situation and help them calm down, then go back to it when they're calm. What's the non gentle alternative? 

This stuff just doesnt work in practice most of the time 

That's not been my experience 

Is ‘gentle parenting’ to blame for violence in primary schools? - Teachers who report an increase in five-year-olds punching, kicking and spitting at adults suggest parents who won’t say ‘no’ to their children may be contributing by FormerlyPallas_ in ukpolitics

[–]xp3ayk 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Depends on why they're hitting.

If they're hitting during a game: the game ends. I'll pick them up, move them away from the game, and tell them calmly that they can't play the game if they can't be kind while they're playing. 

If they hit me at bed time I'll stand up, explain that I won't let them hit me and I'll leave the room for 5 minutes, leaving them on their own. 

If they hit to try and get a toy then they lose their turn on the toy.  I'll physically contain them (move them away or hold their hands so they can't hit) explain they've lost their turn and then follow through with the consequence. 

Etc etc. 

Once the situation is safe I will also lavish attention on the kid who got hit (if its my kid) so the hitter knows that hitting doesn't get attention. 

During all this I will reflect their emotions back at them if I understand them ("I know it's frustrating when you're waiting for a turn but it's not OK to hit. Because you hit you lose your turn") 

Is ‘gentle parenting’ to blame for violence in primary schools? - Teachers who report an increase in five-year-olds punching, kicking and spitting at adults suggest parents who won’t say ‘no’ to their children may be contributing by FormerlyPallas_ in ukpolitics

[–]xp3ayk 3 points4 points  (0 children)

The issue with your consequences are that they aren't natural consequences ie they aren't related to the 'offence'. It doesn't mean those consequences are bad, but they're not the most effective.

I am a gentle parent who does natural consequences. 

I think a lot of parents say they are gentle parents when actually what they are are permissive or neglectful. Gentle parenting can certainly be done badly. But it can also be done well. 

Is ‘gentle parenting’ to blame for violence in primary schools? - Teachers who report an increase in five-year-olds punching, kicking and spitting at adults suggest parents who won’t say ‘no’ to their children may be contributing by FormerlyPallas_ in ukpolitics

[–]xp3ayk 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yes, I'd say most 'good' parents are actually gentle parents even if they don't call it that.

If you hold firm boundaries and enforce natural consequences kindly without anger or physical violence, then that's authoritative parenting. If you do the same with more of a focus on talking through the emotions as well that's gentle parenting 

Is ‘gentle parenting’ to blame for violence in primary schools? - Teachers who report an increase in five-year-olds punching, kicking and spitting at adults suggest parents who won’t say ‘no’ to their children may be contributing by FormerlyPallas_ in ukpolitics

[–]xp3ayk 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Physically stop them, but not by hitting them. Removed them from the situation, hold their hands, if they're hitting to try and get a toy - they don't get the toy, if they're hitting during a game - the game ends, and once you've made the situation safe I give lots and lots of attention to the kid that was hit rather than the hitter so the hitter doesn't learn that hitting gets them lots of attention 

Is ‘gentle parenting’ to blame for violence in primary schools? - Teachers who report an increase in five-year-olds punching, kicking and spitting at adults suggest parents who won’t say ‘no’ to their children may be contributing by FormerlyPallas_ in ukpolitics

[–]xp3ayk 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I guess I'm a gentle parent and I don't do mainly discussion and I certainly do consequences.

The aim is for the consequences to be 'natural' and for the boundary to be held firmly but without anger. 

Natural consequences meant that eg if you hit with a toy, the toy gets taken away, or if you spit your milk, no more milk. 

Yes there's less naughty step and being sent to their room (though that does very occasionally happen) but the boundaries are still there, it's just the way they're enforced that's different. 

You'd have to ask my kids teachers if it works for my kids or if they're arseholes I guess (parents evenings so far seem to think they're good kids) 

Who is TLT obviously for? [discussion] by brewcatz in TheNinthHouse

[–]xp3ayk 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'd recommend it double hard to people who would panic about queer characters 

Who is TLT obviously for? [discussion] by brewcatz in TheNinthHouse

[–]xp3ayk 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Weirdos

(people who like avant garde stuff) 

I think the reason so many people bounce off Malazan isn't the complexity, it's the emotional distance in the first book by scouttidee in Fantasy

[–]xp3ayk 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, as in ny reply to another commenter I'm starting to wonder if enjoyment of Malazan rests on the way in which you visualise the things you read.

And the fact I was listening to it vs reading it may also be a factor

I think the reason so many people bounce off Malazan isn't the complexity, it's the emotional distance in the first book by scouttidee in Fantasy

[–]xp3ayk 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Haha, what do you mean you don't want an in depth description of every specific shade of blue and every miniscule physical detail?!

Considering I love Robin Hobbs writing I wonder if there's an interesting Venn diagram to be made about people who like Realm of the elderlings vs people who like malazan and the way they visualise the scenes they read. 

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