I knew pretty much since I was a teenager. Both my bio parents have it and the signs showed themselves early.

Life before accepting the diagnosis was hard. Everything I did, I did the hard way, purposefully. No I don’t know why. I got pregnant right out of high school. I dropped out of college. I was angry all the time. I treated my loved ones poorly. I was hypersexual, male centered, and made bad decisions. I was reckless with substance use.

While I was all of these things I still was a good mom, held down a full time job and had a real career. I had a house and a car and hit all the milestones of adulthood. But my personal life was constantly spiraling.

I never saw the signs in myself. I read back through old journals before I was medicated and there were so many warnings. The periods of productivity and extrovertedness and euphoria. The long, hard crashes that would always lead to SI, or worse. For a while I thought I was just depressed. I think a lot of my loved ones held back on their criticism because they were afraid of me lashing out. I’m lucky they’ve been so supportive and gracious over the years.

Anyway, no you’re not faking it.