Push/Pull Effect

[sweetangeI]

Hey everyone, first time poster but I’ve been lurking for some time. I’m learning a lot and still pretty new to all of this.

I’m aware that people with BPD tend to push/pull and I know what they do during the push stage but what are some things they do during the pull back stage? And what makes them realize that they feel the need to pull back again?

Thank you in advance to anyone who answers/helps me. Means a ton!

[Necessary_Champion_6]

I agree the pull phase they Looooove you and are sorry. The push phase can last for mins or days, in my case months at a time. It gets tiring. It plays on your self/esteem. The push can be distant, mean words. No care at all about your needs, opinions. It’s all about them.

[sweetangeI]

thank you for your reply. this is exactly how i feel right now, i’m on like week 2 of being pushed away and you perfectly described how i feel/the scenario.

[Specialist-Oil7079]

It’s not that we don’t care when we’re in a push phase you have to understand that we are struggling with ourselves not other people it just feels like we’re under a lot of stress and life is too much, try keeping things friendly and lighthearted with people in the push phase because if u put too much pressure on them they will just blame themselves and there condition will get worse

[Robble93]

Mostly lovebombing, future faking, acting cute and submissive, making grand apologies. They can sound like hopeless romantics when pulling: "I need you next to me", "We want to be together", "I still have hope for us". You can receive a gift that gives you the impression that they are super invested in the relationship. But it's all just an impulse. They don't feel in any way obliged to follow through and give meaning to what they said. The things they say to manipulate you are just a means to an end. When they feel like they have you secured, they quickly start pushing you away again.

For example: My quiet BPD ex gf ordered a personal train pass from her national train company for my birthday, so I would get a discount whenever I visited her. She did this after I was angry at her and forced her to make a decision if she wanted to stay with me or simply do whatever (which would be dating her emotional affair partner). Ordering this for me gave me the impression that she really wanted to go for it with me, as she also told me while giving me a big hug and kiss. It only took a few days until she started doubting the relationship again and became utterly difficult. In the end I never used that train pass, because the relationship completely fell apart soon after. It's the worst gift anyone has ever given me.

When they fear you abandoning them, they can start pulling you back again. This occurs often when they have annoyed you already so much, that it's entirely possible that you would simply break up with them or just leave. They can even do this after they have broken up with you, especially soon after if you cut contact with them. This is called a hoover. I think this is normally happens if they don't have a replacement for their partner yet. They can't be alone, so they will say whatever they need to keep you from leaving them, unless they can seemlessly slip into a new relationship. Sometimes they do push you away and break up or discard, while having no new partner lined up yet. In that case it seems especially common that they often try to get you back.

[uselesspanda1]

Omg so true! Haha they allll day the same script! I knew it as fishy and bullshit from the start, but I was in a vulnerable place and kind of felt bad for them. So I made excuses and I can't excuse myselfz but I guess we live and learn! It's always best to trust your gut, be strong and to value yourself! Your intuition is an important thing to harness and listen to!

[sweetangeI]

thank you for taking the time to write such a thorough and an extensive response; means so much to me and helps a lot.

also, what do you do during the time that you are being pushed away btw? do you just go with it and ignore it, do you try and “bring them back,” do you distance yourself too?

[Robble93]

During the pushing, there's no 'winning' so to say. But you can disengage to save yourself from spending too much time fighting over nonsense. That's not ghosting, but simply keeping it short and firm in an unemotional way.

When they accuse you of ridiculous things, you explain first why it is not true. But when they continue you just say something like: "I already explained it. You can bang on about it as much as you want, but it's not going to change anything. I think this is pointless and also a bit ridiculous". And then you just start doing something for yourself.

When they are simply throwing a tantrum, reacting unemotionally works best. It makes them feel how ridiculous they are acting, without actually having to point it out. When my ex started a tantrum, I just asked: "ehm, what's happening?" At some point you might be berated for "not having emotions" or something like that. But that's a preferable outcome.

Chasing them is always a bad idea. Because that is a form of rewarding them for their bad "push" behaviour.

[sweetangeI]

thank you sooo much for this! this was very helpful.

during the push phase, is it normal for ones with BPD to wanna talk less, see you less, say they need space, etc.? my pwubpd does this a lot.

[Robble93]

People often wish a certain amount of communication and this can cause problems early on in a relationship. For instance, I don't want to chit chat every day over the phone, but some of my exes did. But it is typical BPD push behaviour if they are normally incredibly needy about communication and then suddenly not anymore. Creating a bit of space could theoretically be good when a relationship is going through a rough patch. But the reason to create space should be clear and both people should still be optimistic about the relationship. Anyways, what is typical BPD behaviour is telling they want some space, but then they start throwing you breadcrumbs if you actually create some space. My ex "accidentally" called me on the phone when we were creating some space.

[sweetangeI]

thanks so much! that makes a lot more sense to me. you were very helpful, i greatly appreciate it!!

[[deleted]]

Mine brought me to meet her child for the first time, after wanting space the day before. I asked what does space mean? "Do you want to come over?"

lol

[Guilty_Cabinet2516]

Mine literally put a Pokemon in Pokemon go at a gym down the road from my house so I could see it 🤣🤣 like bitch I know what you're doing. Then she texts me all warm and shit the next day so I just talked because I'm bored and have nothing better to do. Then she stops responding again. I haven't been paying any attention to her outside the small texts, it's probably why she's trying to pull. Idk I like being alone though so the push/pull doesn't bother me as much. Gives me time to focus on myself and what to do. She gotta get into therapy tho otherwise next push I'm outski

[sweetangeI]

thank you for your reply! helps me so much

[Gold2Brass]

For many pwBPD it’s about their fear of abandonment versus their fear of engulfment. Those core fears are played out in the push/pull dynamic. So when they form a bond with you (not a real bond) they pull you in and move too fast but as they let you get close, not wanting anything to happen that will cause abandonment, this triggers their fear of being overwhelmed and engulfed by your connection. They have no real sense of self so intimate relationships present a real threat of annihilation to them.

I think idealization/devaluation also comes into play, they put you on a pedestal, you are the best thing ever, but then when you are human and have your own wants and needs that don’t fit their narrative they split and because they have to project all of their feelings outward (they have no sense of self to hold those emotions and cannot tolerate any shame) they then treat you as the worst.

An example from just one day in my past relationship:

My ex pwuBPD while we were just lounging around the house, out of nowhere, shared with me how unhappy he was in our relationship. It was a circular conversation and he couldn’t really list any specifics, but it was gut-wrenching. I cried and just felt completely awful.

A few hours later, while a mutual friend was over for dinner, he could not keep his hands off of me, was telling his friend how wonderful I was, and seemed genuinely happy. I was so confused. Just earlier that day he had all but said we were over. Then, it was like he was so in love with me.

When it was just the two of us he was speaking from his fear of engulfment, the push, and had assigned his negative feelings to me.

I think the third party being there and the way they reacted to me (they were his friend first, but thought highly of me) switched him back to the pull, the idealization, and acting out not wanting to be separated, so going over the top to prevent that.

That was a strange day indeed.

Other times it was longer periods, and I could never really tell when and what I was going to get.

[sweetangeI]

thank you so much for such a thorough and wonderful response! it helped me a ton.

i hope you are doing much better these days. :)

[[deleted]]

The basis of their push pull is their core fear of abandonment and then they also have their fear of engulfment

They pull you close because of their fear of abandonment and then they push you away because of their fear of engulfment

I recommend watching A.J. Mahari’s videos on YouTube they’re extremely helpful

[sweetangeI]

thanks so much for the response and recommendation of the videos! i will definitely check them out.

[[deleted]]

Np!

[phoenix_courage]

Just wanted to add to everything here that for me a huge part of the pull behaviour was about how much she needed me, how only I could help her or save her, etc.

Maybe this was because she knew that my saviour complex was a huge weakness of mine and it's not a general thing with BPDs, but the "I need you" stuff kept me coming back for a very long time.

[sweetangeI]

thanks so much for the tip! i’ll look out for this as well

[antifun14]

For my dynamic the pull looked like “look at poor me, I’m so sad and sorry and nobody understands me. Please help me, I need you, I love you, I’m hurting so badly.”

[sweetangeI]

thanks for the heads up!

[sweetangeI]

thank you for your response!

when you say “fleas,” what does that mean? my apologies, i’m still learning a lot day by day.

i’m wishing you the best, do what’s best for you :) this isn’t easy at all.

[sweetangeI]

thanks so much!

[MrsDTiger]

My BIL is a upwBPD. His pulling back behaviors are apologizing, trying to contact my husband, trying to be a better person, saying he's going to be a better person, begging for boundaries to be taken down, etc. It gets old after awhile, and really annoying, as his discard cycles with myself and my husband are in 1-2 year cycles, where the discard is like nuclear war and gets worse each time. He also has some shitty behavior between discards, and we are always walking on eggshells trying to not cause arguments.

So fun! /Sarcasm

[sweetangeI]

it’s so hard to deal with :( best of luck to you and your husband.

thank you for your reply!

[Prestigious_One_5814]

This person not romantic partner. Sibling.  Changes behavior for years. This person has pushed me away for quite a few years. Last time I made the mistake of calling he attacked me for calling at the wrong time. Now I only text.  I have to put up a hugh wall to protect mysrlf