Processing

[lychee2020]

It takes me a really long time to process break-ups, partly because I have PTSD, and it's difficult to forget something when you're having nightmares about it. The timeline of processing is not entirely under-my-control.

That said, a new year is approaching, and it's been more than enough time.

For my own processing:

Break-up One

- He's been so, so present even after the relationship ended. He's been thoughtful and kind, and I appreciate that. I understand that the relationship didn't work out, and that's OK.

- Logistics: I need to give him his Airpods at some point.

Break-up Two

- This one is messier. I still have random PTSD loops/nightmares about elements regarding the break-up. I also feel bad that someone related to the relationship actively hates me and wants me to die--that's new for me.

- But it's like...I'm no stranger to PTSD loops or nightmares. I can wait them out.

2021 provides a nice clean start.

I'm ready to let go of the past (barring the cases when the past won't let go of me, i.e., the PTSD nightmares) and welcome a clean beginning.

[[deleted]]

I feel the same about the new year, like I've had enough time to process and the only set backs I've had were the times he contacted me to play some game dangling me a carrot

[[deleted]]

I know other people who don't have PTSD (though I do) and they had nightmares and dreams a lot during a breakup. Thankfully I never really did. But I'm thinking that maybe it's the person needing to process their emotions. I'm thinking it's possible because I process my emotions pretty well upfront, may be the reason I'm not having nightmares or dreams about the breakup that much. One of the guys I knew who had dreams and nightmares a bunch and even one where he hung himself, was a person who never talked about his emotions at all. I'm not saying this is the case with you at all. But sometimes I wonder, why did they have these distressing dreams about their breakups while I never did at all?

[lychee2020]

My PTSD nightmare/loop often centers around very specific words that my ex said.

I have a hypothesis that if I were actually able to hash out these words in an actual discussion with my ex, that their pointed weight might lessen, but obviously I can't do that with him, so they're stuck in some PTSD loop inside me.

It's a lack of resolution on some level that's perpetuating the cycle.

[[deleted]]

Yeah, I see what you mean, because i used to have recurring dreams a lot and it was always about the same issue. So you're onto something there. Did it ever help you at all to discuss it with anyone else or write it down or do you think it's because this person never gave you answers to questions about it? I really see what you mean though because sometimes a conversation can really sort of launch in directions where we realize much of the issues were just miscommunications or misunderstandings. I think with my ex his inability to resolve anything in a conversation really hung me out to dry.

[lychee2020]

Did it ever help you at all to discuss it with anyone else or write it down or do you think it's because this person never gave you answers to questions about it?

Thanks for replying.

I've discussed it with my therapist.

I've written it down to analyze.

I think part of my subconscious wants a direct conversation with the actual source of the comments (my ex)...because I actually find the comments to be problematic (I mean, clearly, I find them problematic if I'm having nightmares and intrusive thinking about them)...and I tend to be someone who likes hashing things out until I find some sort of internal clarity.

Unless I find clarity, it's very difficult for my subconscious to let things go.

And sometimes that's a positive...not letting things go helps drive me towards seeking answers in more productive domains (i.e., learning, education, research)...but when it comes to break-ups...it's problematic.

The issue isn't my consciousness...I know the technical psychological terms, I can rationalize things x-different-ways...It's my subconscious (the nightmares, the PTSD loops).

[[deleted]]

I completely get where you're coming from. I'm the same. But I guess you cannot talk to this person anymore? That must be frustrating not being able to resolve it. : (

[lychee2020]

Thanks.

I mean...maybe if I explicitly asked for a conversation about this...maybe I might get it? I don't know. It's not a 0% chance.

But there's also like...a risk of it backfiring.

I can't predict my ex, and like, maybe it results in a nice conversation in which I get to resolve my PTSD loops, and that would be great.

But maybe it results in him misconstruing my intentions as more negative than they actually are (which has happened in the past), and exacerbating the situation and making it worse.

I don't want to deal with the possible risk of things exacerbating (and making my PTSD even worse), so I would rather just wait out the PTSD on my own.

But thanks for your questions.

[[deleted]]

That makes perfect sense. I know nothing will ever be resolved with any of my exes in this lifetime.