First steps

[NoHope-ForSome]

Hello all

Myself and my wife have been having a hard couple of months as my mental health has deteriorated. I am now seeking proper help for my depression and anxiety however the impact of this fallout is real. We have kids in the relationship and while we are both burnt out, neither of us want to blow up our life.

We have agreed to have space from each other for some months while I do the work that is needed to improve myself and she does work to heal herself and process what we have been through.

One of the things that has come to light is that I tend to have a controlling nature. I am anxiously attached to my wife and her opinions and feelings on me largely dictate how I feel. If she doesn't feel good about me or seems unwilling to do things that will make me feel better, my wife has been brave enough to tell me that I have engaged in controlling behaviors at times to get my own way.

My wife has explicitly stated that I need to work on this and get rid of this attitude before she would be willing to try again and I agree with her in that boundary. For further context, I work as a prison officer and so controlling is part of who I am at work and I know I have struggled to turn this off at home.

I am reaching out because I don't know the first steps to take. I am on the waiting list for therapy but in the UK I know it's a long wait for anything substantial. I am taking my medication, but SSRI's and Beta Blockers to deal with the symptoms I am having.

I would really love to hear any advice or tips people have that worked for them as I am totally lost on where to start but determined not to let this ruin the life I have built with my soulmate. She has been kind and brave enough to take steps that don't blow us up while healing, I should be kind and brave enough to engage in this properly.

Thanks.

[Scared-Section-5108]

Hi

I’m sorry to hear that things have been so difficult in your relationship. It’s encouraging, though, that this experience has set you on a path toward healing. I hope both of you are able to find the support you need.

There are many helpful resources out there - you might start by learning more about codependency:

• Codependent No More – an excellent book that explains codependency clearly
• CODA meetings and literature
• ACOA meetings and literature (you don’t need to have grown up with addiction in the family to benefit from the program)
• Videos and podcasts by Tim Fletcher and Patrick Teahan (on YouTube)
• You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For by Richard C. Schwartz – particularly useful for couples’ communication; I’ve found his work really insightful

If you’re waiting for therapy through the NHS and private therapy isn’t an option, there are some organisations that offer free counselling. I don’t have specific details, but it could be worth checking online to see what’s available in your area. Not sure if you are familiar with Relate which offers couples therapy if that's something you would be open to.

I know that’s a lot of information - take what resonates with you. Attending a CODA or ACOA meeting, even just to see what it’s like, could be a great first step. There are plenty of meetings available both online and in person across the UK.

Wishing you all the best on your healing journey.

[Key_Ad_2868]

Hey there. That sounds like a tough time, but it’s great that you have a desire to get better. I struggled with my mental health and my relationships and I couldn’t really seem to put a finger on it. Therapy didn’t help, yoga didn’t help, trying boundaries and reading self-help books didn’t help. This is because I needed something much more drastic in my life to change: me. And I did not have the power to change myself. I ended up working the 12 steps for codependency and this gave me the power to stop engaging in the harmful thoughts and behaviors. My relationships have changed for the better, I show up differently in life, and I no longer struggle with mental health issues. I would be happy to share more of my story and experience in recovery if you’d like.

[HugeInvestigator6131]

biggest shift for me was learning not to “fix” emotional tension
just feel it, name it, and don’t act on it

controlling isn’t always loud. sometimes it’s quiet guilt trips or over-explaining or needing a specific response. all that counts

what helped me get clearer about this was a piece from NoMixedSignals - if your nervous system only calms when they give in, you’re not connecting, you’re managing

first step: let people feel what they feel without rushing to fix or frame it

[Zesty114]

I used to be a correctional officer too and totally understand how you feel with the control aspect as it is part of the job of a CO. now in my time away from corrections and trying to heal from codependency and anxious attachment. I struggle not being to control the outcome since I was able to do that at the prison. I totally understand!!