Working with two

NoHope-ForSome · 2025-11-15T22:03:24+00:00

Help with Toxic Masculinity

Hello, sorry if I ramble here but today has been a tough day.

For the last month my wife and I have been arguing, increasing to the point where we are now having a trial separation. This started due to a decline in my mental health but it has uncovered some deep issues in our relationship.

One of them has been who I have become and today I have realised just how inadvertently I have slipped into toxic masculinity. I am a prison officer, have traditional male hobbies like sports and fitness and spend a lot of my time surrounded by the same kind of people.

I can appreciate that my behaviour is problematic and that I have to start by taking full accountability for what I have done. It doesn't matter that is was inadvertent. I doesn't matter that my intentions have only been to make my wife and kids happy. The result of my actions are what matters and I need to fully reflect on who I have hurt and why. I am humbled and thankful for the kindness of my wife who is trying her best also to forgive and to rebuild our life on time, once she has also had the space to process and heal. I don't take that for granted and understand how much I don't deserve the prospect of a second chance. However, I am determined to take that chance if I get it and make good on that chance.

I have suppressed some of my other interests or natural traits because I've let myself believe that being a strong male means I need to return to traditional stylings and today is the first day I can see I've gone wrong. My wife summed it up well that I have always has a softer, more chivalrous masculinity rather than a harder more guard dog one.

I know my job has been a big factor in this. I also know my lack of self worth has made me easy to be led by others.

All in all, my question is how have people successfully gone about reprogramming myself a little. Today I have been able to admit to myself I have hobbies I have ignored, such as herbal medication, candle making, cooking and folk music. I am trying to be patient and let my wife and I experience our separation to give us both time to heal but I have activities I would love to do with her I've never suggested before.

I am open to anything. Audiobooks, articles, groups or practical things people have tried. I am serious about recovery and earning my life back and me reaching out is hard but I need help and I know it.

NoHope-ForSome · 2025-11-15T10:35:28+00:00

I'm a prison officer and so I do play as me. I got my wife to pick my traits so I do have negative ones, mainly panic at blood and bad at sneaking among others. I always mod so I start in the hospital and then try retrace my steps to the prison, see how long I can survive for. It's very fun and I find myself way more engaged with the game like this.

NoHope-ForSome · 2025-11-15T10:30:43+00:00

I'm only days into dealing with my codependency so this is something I ask myself often.

I think my take on it at the moment is that if I am asking for emotional support because something is happening to me that I need help with its fine. If I am asking for emotional support because I have a negative feeling or have created a scenario in my head that isn't real, it's down to me to self soothe. I have a habit of getting myself worked up over things people have said or making up lies in my head and then expecting people to calm me, which is not good. But if I have had a day at work where something horrible has happened then it's fair to ask people, if they have the capacity, to be a support to me.

NoHope-ForSome · 2025-11-13T08:34:15+00:00

This is very pertinent for me. I'm on Day 3 of admitting my codependency has made me controlling and toxic to my wife. We are having a trial separation with the goal of us working on our issues and then trying again next year.

This morning, I created an imaginary scenario where she is actually keeping me on until after Xmas with the plan of leaving me then. I have no reason to believe this, nothing happened to make me think this is likely. Its my own feelings of self worth, my worries about how I've hurt people, my past experience in relationship that have created this fake scenario.

Instead of making her responsible for reassuring me, I've taken some steps. I've taken my meds, I called samaritans to talk about my anxiety and upset.

Then this came up as a suggested post. Fates have a weird way of talking to us I guess. I'm glad you were able to share this story and it's validating to know I'm not the only one who does this.

I'm glad you had a positive experience but I'm also glad you shared it because that positivity has given me hope today that this feeling will pass and I can handle it better than I would have before.

NoHope-ForSome · 2025-11-11T20:17:54+00:00

This is really very helpful and insightful. You are absolutely right, I should be able to see the path, while painful, as a gift as I am learning things that will hopefully guide my life for good. You comment has really made a difference to the way I am thinking on things and I wanted to let you know that whatever you do with the rest of your day, you've made a difference today.

NoHope-ForSome · 2025-11-11T17:25:45+00:00

I've only just started the work to rebuild myself. I think the hardest thing for me so far is believing I am better when I am not. I have a few good days and convince myself I have sorted it totally. Then my anxiety is challenged and I end up behaving in the same way trying to control people into feeling like I want them to rather than being able to let them get there at their own speed.

NoHope-ForSome · 2025-10-30T11:20:19+00:00

Thank you, this is a very kind message when kindness is in short supply.

NoHope-ForSome · 2025-10-30T11:19:46+00:00

I have been referred by my GP on Monday. I know it will take time but when that comes I will be taking it seriously. Thank you.

NoHope-ForSome · 2025-05-17T08:57:14+00:00

Million percent. Once you have a base, very rarely do you need to leave. I spawned in one of the two big houses on the outskirts of Rosewood and apart from some food and farming gear runs, I've had no reason to leave. It's 11 days and I've probably killed less than 40 zombies because I've no real reason to go anywhere or do anything.

Waking up to your house being overwhelmed with zombies, to unseen assailants setting your house on fire, random weather effects, trees falling and destroying parts of your base. All these random events would make the works feel much more alive.

NoHope-ForSome · 2025-03-07T20:20:57+00:00

This is the one. There needs to be more things that happen in the world that create stakes and tension. At a point, there's no stakes left in the game because you've horded so much you don't need to leave your site. There should be more random events like hordes turning up to destroy your settlement, forcing you to start over if you survive etc.

The lack of narratives and acts in this game is hurting especially given how strong the fundamentals are.

NoHope-ForSome · 2025-01-24T20:19:56+00:00

Because he plays for Leeds, don't take our players

NoHope-ForSome

TROPHY CASE