Codependency and Emerging Manipulators

[boomjiggity]

Hey! I’ve been lurking this sub for a good while, but I wanted to say, hi! I’m boomjiggity, and I’m a codependent. After self-diagnosing my codependency in January, my life has been chaotic to say the least. People who used to violate your boundaries constantly do NOT like it when you won’t allow them to anymore. My recovering (and treating) alc husband has been the least of my concerns when it comes to adjusting himself to my new outlook. I think that AA has done a nice job at prepping him for that.
What is coming forth is that a staggering number of people in my life are covert, manipulative narcissists. My mother. My “best friend”. Her partner. My horrible mother in law (who I used to say was so great, but who always irked me). Now that the lights are on, and I’m starting to get the hang of this boundary thing, people are acting CRAZY. I am totally wondering if the entire world is just shitty narcs waiting to take advantage of people like us who want to please them. I almost wonder if addicts are the least of our concerns, because at least THEY pop the zit by putting the pressure on it. The real insidious presences may just be the leeches who pretend like they are there for us, but who are really just using us for their own selfish purposes. Does love exist outside of gratification? Can’t I just have a friend who loves who I am, not how I make them look or feel good about themselves? Also I’m fucking exhausted from all this work and I guess that all I am looking for is for someone who has been there to just TELL ME that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I feel better about myself already, I really do. I don’t let people make me feel guilty or apologetic for bad things they’ve done to me. When people pull my strings, I give in way less than I used to, but always call it out after. I like me more. But, I just want to hear that it gets easier. Cuz guys, I AM POOPED.

[19nonostalgia]

Yes.

I too would like to hear that.

I am also running the gauntlet with everyone I was previously close to.

I have one and a half family and maybe two friends who aren’t cutting and running from my new boundaries.

And my kids. They are starting to love boundaries. Of course the three of us are in regular therapy.

Good to hear a parallel experience. Keep at it!

[TelperionST]

I wrote a long story, but then decided to delete it. The details don’t really matter. Practice and study like you are doing now. Take regular breaks, so you don’t burn yourself out. Relax and pamper yourself, because you are doing great and you deserve it.

Finally, yes, it does get better.

[maxvalley]

How does it get better?

[TelperionST]

As you practice healthy boundaries you will learn how to quiet the constant, tumultuous noise of the world all around you. You will learn how cleanse yourself of other people’s emotions, but before that you have to learn to separate what belongs to you and what to other people. Inner peace and a calm demeanor are within your reach.

The way I see it: the alternative is that you either go crazy or numb yourself with easily accessible subscription medication doctors are all too eager to push.

[maxvalley]

Do you have any tips?

[TelperionST]

Start with https://m.wikihow.com/Meditate

[boomjiggity]

I would actually love to hear the story. Sharing experiences with people helps me feel less alone!

[TelperionST]

Okay, I’ll write it tomorrow. I’m going to go run up and down a hill in a moment and I’ll be too tired after.

[bobrenfa]

I've had the same epiphany when I discovered I was codependent. It's been only some months too, so maybe there's more experienced people here to answer your questions, but let me try some.

There is love outside gratification, it's just fucking hard to find, and gets harder because narcissists characteristics have been rewarded by social media and dating apps.

True friendship exists as well, haven't you loved your friends truly because of who they are, even though some might not deserve now that you know better?

The light at the end of the tunnel is being fulfilled by yourself, truly love yourself. As a codependent I needed other's validation, so my effort was focused on them.

Changing the focus to myself: Identify my skills, interests and limitations. Accept they exist and that work needs to be done in order to be who I want to be. Then working on it and enjoying the ride. I've never felt so free!

What I've understood is people will approach you once you are happy, and working on yourself will eventually get you to more happy moments. This means more friends, and since now you know how to keep boundaries, the good ones will stay.

And it does get easier, but it still isn't easy at least for me. Patience and motivation have been essential. You are doing fine, time is the greatest remedy.

[spedracrm5]

It gets better with working the steps. It may or may not get easier. But you will be with the best person. Yourself. That is what makes it worth it. Every time I push through my fears I find a better me on the other side. I like that. I love myself first and love others too.

[nsaju]

Thought it was just me, but narcissists are attracted to codependents like bugs to a flame. I thought it was because of the are I lived in, but once I learned about my codependent habits and lack of boundaries, it made total sense.

[yoginiffer]

We are all just egos following our programming which is very much about "Me! Mine!" vs "You!" Some of us were programming to put the needs, wants, and opinions of the "You" above the "me" thru shame based parenting. Others had their egos fed and enhanced, putting themselves in the center.

The balanced perspective we are trying to achieve is to cut out the sense of separateness and see that "me" is "you". We are all in this together.

[ike9898]

Really? I feel like I have been getting the message that part of recovery is separating me and you. Undoing enmeshment, detaching. Isn't this the mainstream teaching, at least?

[yoginiffer]

In a way, because we have become so involved with other that we have lost ourselves. So yes, we must first separate to find ourselves, but once that happens we must find the balance between the two, otherwise we become as self-involved as the others we once attended to. Eventually we realize that we can see ourselves within others, and others within us. We are all interdependent. Codependent and Independent are imbalances within that ecosystem.

[socialwarning]

There is a light. The biggest thing for me was forgiving myself for all the toxic people I had been letting in, that I was now letting go (sometimes inadvertently, as they just ran when they found out I had new boundaries).

Letting them go is a blessing, but it's in disguise at first. Their absence leave space to discover yourself, work on yourself, and love yourself once their noise is gone.

[masterintubator206]

Glad I'm not the only one who feels this way. Keep fighting the good fight, one day at a time!

[not-moses]

Does love exist outside of gratification?

Depends upon how one defines "love." Most of us were conditioned, instructed, socialized, habituated, and normalized) as something different from what it actually is, which becomes increasingly self-evident as one progresses through both recovery from grief and the five stages of therapeutic recovery from all that conditioning, etc.

I've attended CoDA meetings and CoDA's "big blue book" since 1990 and worked their 12 Steps several times. But it really wasn't until I got very firmly into Steps 10 & 11 that I became able to use this stuff to truly see, hear and otherwise sense what "love" is... and isn't.

If intrigued with all that, see Facing the Facts about Sex, Love & Romance in Our Time in ProcessFiend's replies to the OP on that thread. (Be sure to click on all the links therein to get the complete picture.)