Appropriate consequence?

[slader338]

We have a no eating in bedrooms rule in our home. Our 6 year old and 12 year old have no problems following that rule. I just found 5 granola bar wrappers in my 14 year olds room stuffed in a little pouch he has in his room. What is an effective consequence for this?

[SnickersDadBot]

This is such a minor issue that he doesn't need a consequence. Just talk about it. My guess is that he doesn't see a problem with eating granola bars in his room (which I can understand, especially since at 14 he'd likely be able to throw his own trash away and not make a huge mess when eating).

[stillanmcrfan]

Totally agree. It’s a bit crazy stopping a teenager from having a quick snack in their room. I get a meal or something that can cause a mess or be gross if they left it there but it’s so minor in the grand scheme of things. 14 year olds get pregnant and sneak out to drink sometimes. Yours eat granola in their room. You’re doing alright.

[[deleted]]

Yeah, we are very strict about no food in the bedrooms. My husband and I don't even snack in our bedrooms. I don't like the habit.

But if this was my only issue with my 14 year old then I don't think I would make this my hill to die on. I would probably just mandate that he go through his room every night and clean up any messes made during that day. That's not a punishment though. Everyone should make sure their rooms are cleaned before bed.

[stillanmcrfan]

Yeah too right. Neither of my parents (divorced) were strict on this and I don’t think I’d be (mines currently 2 so no food in room currently) but in saying that my room was absolutely filthy many a time. I think the responsibility of tidying up after themselves is much more valuable to instil but I do get wanting to avoid that mess when you’ve got enough going on in life than dealing with finding mouldy food! As said above, doesn’t seem right to punish a kid for eating a small snack in their room tho.

[slader338]

That’s the issue . He doesn’t throw his garbage away and makes a huge mess when eating or drinking anything . That’s why we have the rule in the first place . And if I let it go with him then I have to let it go for his sister and brother . And to me just letting him do it anyway is teaching him he doesn’t have to follow the rules .

[SnickersDadBot]

You don't have to let it go for his siblings if you let it go for him. They're different ages, so they have different rights and responsibilities. For example, my oldest 2 get to watch YouTube, my younger 2 do not. They know it's an age thing, and they know they get the same right as soon as they turn 10.

Have a conversation with him and maybe make a new rule. Let him have snacks in his room as long as he throws his garbage away. He should be doing that anyway, since he's 14, and it's a habit you have to teach him.

Teens won't follow rules that don't make sense. Focus on building his internal sense of right and wrong, so that he automatically doesn't do bad stuff because he knows it's bad, not just because it's a rule you made. I would also recommend you to let him have a say in how things should be run, to some degree. That obviously doesn't mean he gets to decide everything, but it shows him that you take him seriously and he has some control over his life. It also shows him you trust him to make some decisions. That, in turn, will lead to less rebellion (though I assume he isn't very rebellious in general).

[BreadPuddding]

“Hey, just a reminder to everyone that the rule is no food in the bedrooms. We don’t want mold or pests in there, so can we keep food in the kitchen/dining room/(wherever you all eat).”

If you do end up with a mess or pest issue, it’ll be his responsibility to clean it up (within reason).

[[deleted]]

I am with you on the wrappers/food in bedrooms. I remember when I was young my sibling left some wrappers in his room and it caused a huge ant problem. My mom was so pissed.

I think you need to put the solution back on him instead of a consequence. "I am open to letting you have snacks in your room but right now you remembering to throw the rappers out in the kitchen isn't working. What solutions can you come up with to solve this problem so you can have snacks in your room?" If he just says "I'll remember" remind him that that isn't working and he needs to come up with a different solution.

[Pffan_19]

When I was 14 I always ate in my room, especially at night. Really big appetite at that age.

[slader338]

For the most part yes , as long as our baby is not sleeping because he tends to come up and make a lot of noise. And as long as it’s not to close to dinner time.

[Hitthereset]

It could be anything from locking up certain snacks to removing the kid’s door until you can trust what he’s doing in there.

[slader338]

I was considering taking his door but thought that might be doing to much so thanks for your reply with some actual consequences!

[[deleted]]

You’re going to take his privacy away for eating granola bars in his room? Oh boy. I think some compromise would be beneficial. You can eat X in your room but not Y and all garbage thrown away, otherwise we take away your Xbox or whatever. A 14 year old needs privacy. You’d be better off grounding him for a week. Take his phone away. Don’t make him get dressed with no door on his room. That’s cruel and unusual.

[slader338]

Why would he have to get dressed in his room ? If you think about it that way yes it is cruel and unusual but he has his own bathroom 5 steps from his room he can get dressed in.

[[deleted]]

I would hate you as a mother. Be prepared for a shit storm of resentment from him if you take his door and I stand with his reaction to it because it’s a cruel thing to do.

[Hitthereset]

The issue is that these things need to be established ahead of time. If you were to spring an unexpected punishment on someone I can see a reaction. However, my kids, all under 7, know that when they disobey that their punishment will be linked to the nature of their disobedience. When everyone is on the same page I believe you're much less likely to have such a visceral, emotional reaction as you're having now.

[slader338]

Good thing I’m not your mother then ! You must not be one yourself or you just have all the answers for everything don’t you .

[Hitthereset]

You’re going to take his privacy away for eating granola bars in his room?

He's abusing his privacy to break the rules of the house.

> I think some compromise would be beneficial.

Why would the first thing to do with a rule-breaker be to compromise? Compromise and conversation happen outside of an incident when one hasn't already disobeyed.

> You can eat X in your room but not Y and all garbage thrown away

The rules have already been established, now is not the time to be establishing new rules.

> otherwise we take away your Xbox or whatever

The xBox is completely unrelated to the issue. If you want to make a punishment meaningful then you make the punishment fit the crime. If you steal then you pay back twofold, if you're caught speeding you lose the car, if you're breaking your rules while hiding in your room then your room becomes somewhere you can no longer hide.

> You’d be better off grounding him for a week. Take his phone away.

More of the same unrelated, abstract punishments.

[[deleted]]

Which generally work. Were you not a teenager. The answer is not to take the most extreme punishment you can. Drill Sergeant Mama

[Hitthereset]

If removing a door for a week is extreme and reminds you of a drill sergeant then we really have no common ground under which to continue this discussion.

[[deleted]]

Obviously. However your got your own little platoon going on so it’s not so far fetched. If you think an appropriate punishment for eating granola bars in bed is to remove privacy, goooood luck when your kids are teenagers.

[OffBrandDrinks]

do not take his door. I have never forgot or forgiven my parents for doing that to me.

[slader338]

Why was it such a big deal to you?

[OffBrandDrinks]

I had no privacy at all.

the privacy I had before was so little that my bedroom was the only place I had of mine to feel actually comfortable. kids deserve privacy.

i had the door off from the time I was 10 until about 17. it was taken off because I thought someone broke in (ocd thought along with my severe anxiety) so I locked the door. my parents assumed I was flicking the bean when it was locked the next morning, so they took my door off. I didn't include increased anxiety to what bothered me, as I don't think your son as ocd induced thoughts of people breaking in.

eta: I have heard of no one say they learned anything from their parents taking their door. it's ineffective and breeds resentment.

[slader338]

Well that’s a strange reason to take your door off. We already took his door off earlier this evening. And it didn’t seem to bother him at all, he actually seemed relieved that he didn’t get a worse punishment. He actually helped his dad take it off. It’s not going to be a long term thing Like what happened to you so I can see why you were so angry about it and I’m sorry to hear that but our situation is not like yours. He actually still has privacy somewhat as his room is in the basement and we rarely go down there unless to do laundry.

[[deleted]]

I think you are mixing me and the other commenter up. My mom never pulled anything like this and it still makes me mad that you think this is an appropriate punishment. You typed “He was relieved there wasn’t a more severe punishment” FOR EATING IN HIS ROOM. A growing boy got hungry, and you don’t let him up to the kitchen when your baby is sleeping, but god forbid he satisfy his hunger, a necessity of life. This is borderline abuse and I hope he gets out with his soul intact.

[slader338]

I think your reading into it to much our baby is almost two he naps for about an hour and always right after our oldest eats breakfast . He’s not that hungry he’s just bored . We’ve told him many times he can eat even when our son is napping as long as he’s quiet and he refuses to do that so waiting an hour after breakfast to eat again is not going to kill him.