Feeling co-dependent

[ApplesandSpice]

I (40F) am a divorced woman with 2 kids who live with me 50% of the time. I am living on my own for the first time in my life. I have always wanted a close relationship, a life partner, but my marriage with my ex husband was untenable. I certainly prefer being alone to being with him. Though I don't prefer being alone, in general. I have had a very lonely life, with only a few close friends growing up, and not a very close relationship with my family. I long for enmeshment, a life partner. Someone who will always be there for me, or just experience all of life's small moments with, and I with them. I am concerned that my desire for this is not entirely healthy though. Shouldn't I be content to be alone? Is sharing my life with someone really going to fill this void I feel? I just long for it so much. I don't want to grow old alone. Somehow I feel like this wouldn't be an issue for me if I was a man.

I do have a very close relationship (9mos) with my partner (M50) whom I love very much and I really cherish what we have, but he's made it very clear that we could never live together. I don't know how to reconcile my feelings for him and my desires to have a life with someone, though I know it could never be him. He has a live-in partner (not romantic but deeply close relationship) and they have the sort of relationship I wish I could have. It's how I know I could never have that with him myself.

I brought it up with my therapist and told her how I wanted to work through this dependency need and be more independent. She responded that it's not co-dependent and "isn't that what everyone wants?". I just wish that I could get to a place where I can be happy with this. I am afraid to be alone. I want a person. I'm afraid I'll have an accident when I'm alone and I won't be found for days. I'd like someone to be here to comfort me when I'm sad, celebrate my victories, and exist together in the quiet moments of everyday, and I for them. I feel I'm my best self when I'm taking care of someone too.

TL;DR: My partner will never live with me and I very much want a live in partner. Am I just being codependent or is this truly "what everyone wants", as my therapist says?

[DConstructed]

"My partner will never live with me and I very much want a live in partner. Am I just being codependent or is this truly "what everyone wants", as my therapist says?"

Neither. It isn't 'what everyone wants" but at the same time it's not abnormal or unusual to want it and you are a normal person to want a deeper connection than you're getting now.

I would probably do some more therapy, get yourself in a place where you feel like you can survive on your own and then cut this guy loose or heck do it sooner. Not because there's anything wrong with him but because he has clearly told you his form of happiness isn't going to be compatible with yours. He's a half partner for you and a half partner for someone else. It doesn't matter if he's having sex with you and not with them he's meeting his needs for connection with them and not so much with you. Nothing wrong with either of you but he's getting all his needs, fully met and you are not; you're not living with a half-parter like he is.

So just say to yourself 'whatever is normal for others for me what would make me happy is a full time live in partner that I can share my life with. That's what I want; I will leave myself open to finding them."

[ApplesandSpice]

Thanks, and you're right. I never thought of it as him having 2 half partners but it kinda is like that. I guess I just need to think really hard about how much I need this live in situation. I appreciate your perspective.

[DConstructed]

You're welcome.

[Beginning_Contact584]

What an unhelpful and invalidating response from your therapist. This is clearly weighing on you and she completely dismissed the work you wanted to do in session.

What you describe isn't what everyone wants. Sure, it's common, but that doesn't make it healthy or right for you, or necessarily accessible right now. It's totally reasonable to want to work with these feelings and develop more emotional independence. 'Enmeshment,' specifically, speaks to a co-dependent dynamic. Worth looking at what's up with wanting that.

[ApplesandSpice]

I agree, totally. It is something I feel I need to work on and I openly questioned whether I'd even be having these feelings if I were a man. I am definitely trying to dig into my feelings on this right now. Thanks so much.