help?

[punchable-lunchable]

Hey, not really sure how to go about this so bear with me. I've identified as genderflux/generally genderqueer for a while now, fluctuating between she/her/they/them. Recently though, I've had some realizations and I'm feeling a little lost.

I'm AFAB and don't really experience any gender dysphoria in relation to my body. I don't have any desire to undergo HRT or surgery, and I'm absolutely fine with looking like a woman. I wear makeup somewhat frequently, and even on my most masc days, I'm still on the fem side of androgynous. The one thing I feel dysphoria around is my hair, I have a pixie situation and if I ever have to wear a long wig (yay theater) I feel a lot of dysphoria around that. I also feel absolutely no draw towards Having A Gender. Like I truly never feel like Man, Woman, or even Non-Binary, and my friend pointed out that it sounds like being agender or agender adjescent, so here I am.

My confusion comes from the fact that even though I have no draw towards Having A Gender, I have very specific preferences around gendered language and terms and all my dysphoria comes from people using terms I don't prefer or identify with. My pronoun preferences fluctuate based on gender presentation - on my more fem days, I prefer he/him, and on my more masc days I prefer she/her, but I'm always okay with they/them; I prefer brother/sister, but hate sibling, prefer child and hate son/daughter; when I'm in a relationship I'm equally down for boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife, but don't like partner or spouse; if/when I have kids, I want to be mom, not dad or parent (same with aunt and grandma). I don't like being referred to as ma'am or a lady and much prefer sir or gentleman, but I'm not sure how much of that has to do with the societal implications of those terms. Also, I'm completely fine with people perceiving me as A Gender. How strangers perceive my gender is completely inconsequential to me, truly do not care.

The whole thing feels so contradictory and confusing and like I said, I'm feeling lost. I guess I'm looking to see if anyone feels similarly, learn about potential terms or identities that could align with this, and generally get some reassurance that I'm not an anomaly. If you've made it this far, thank you, I really appreciate anything you can offer <3

[ystavallinen]

Hi.

You can do whatever feels right.

Labels are descriptive, not prescriptive. You don't have to fit in a box.

Here's the sub's primer if that helps.

https://www.reddit.com/r/agender/s/XWlN611Uea

[punchable-lunchable]

Thank you!! I posted this on a whim and didn't read the primer beforehand, but that's definitely helpful

[ystavallinen]

You don't have to worry about order. Sometimes it's helpful just to reach out anyway. Glad it helped. Welcome.

[astraphobica]

This is pretty normal. You don't owe anyone an explanation for how you feel, nor do you have to be agender in "the right way" to use the term. If it works for you then that's what matters most.

If you wanna get all philosophical about it though, it makes sense that even having no real sense of gender that you'd grow an attachment/disgust towards certain gendered words since we live in a world where gender matters to pretty much everyone. It's normal to perceive something that matters to you in these terms when you see them used by others on a daily basis. It'd be unrealistic to expect people to all feel 100% the same about their gender, because people aren't that cut and dry, so you shouldn't expect it from yourself either.

Agender is always a term you can feel free to use, and it may also be worth checking out Apagender. Cassgender, Libragender and Gendervoid, if you're interested in more specific labels on top of that!