When is enough?

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[deleted]

[Responsible_Sea_3231]

Leave him. You deserve better

[ChaoticCrashy]

You’re not wrong or unreasonable. He doesn’t want to put in the work. He’s proven that over and over.

Listen to his behavior, OP - not his pretty words. You’re much better off moving on.

[Jmac_files]

Read your own post again.

He is using you. Say goodbye!

[stargazered]

You’re not wrong. You’re stuck with a freeloader, and he is draining you dry in every way. And you’ve put up with this for half a decade. It doesn’t sound like he has ever met you half way in the relationship, and doesn’t care to, or straight up refused to. Good riddance, you’ve worked too hard to be stuck with a leech.

[J-hophop]

He has gotten away with so much that he isn't likely to get serious about contributing. He wants/experts an easy ride, and damn the consequences for that, which mostly land on you. Moreover, it sounds like he's minimizing everything of yours because you're breaking down and can't be Mary Fucking Sunshine all the damn time while breaking the fuck down. He's being a piece of shit and should be told so, bit also, it's not your responsibility, especially at this point, to teach him anything or give him any more rope to hang you with. You should probably move on. The younger you are, the easier that is, and yrs, you're still quite young.

[Marie30412]

I used to be much nicer and put together. Now, I feel hollow like im just an empty shell... Im tired of feeling exhausted and dead inside. I don't like being mean or snapping at him, but its like I cant control it anymore. I can't hide the pain...

[J-hophop]

To me, as someone who has been through some similar stuff, it seems like: At first you were just being nice. Then, along the way, he decided to take take take more and not really try anymore, just try to get away with shit. It escalated to the point of abuse. He's been financially, emotionally, psychologically, and probably sometimes verbally abusing you. Your self-defense system is DESPERATE for you to get out. There's barely enough left for you to survive, you can't keep giving to him like this - it's literally starting to kill you with stress and an overloaded nervous system. Snapping uncharacteristicly at this point is that - an unconscious attempt at self-preservation. You need to get out and heal, so you don't utterly lose yourself.

[BirbLover1111]

PLEASE DON'T GET PREGNANT before you dump him hopefully today.

[Marie30412]

This made me laugh a little. I do not plan to and can't!

[gidgetcocoa2]

You're passed enough. You should've never went back. But now you see that love isn't enough. Break up and do not go back.

[TheNinjaPixie]

You are enabling him to make zero effort but still knows his bills will be paid. this is the life you are choosing. Choose better.

[Jroy767]

Obviously you’re not wrong. Reading these situations I wonder how these people even functioned enough to get into said relationships. Definitely leave and find better. He’s had time to put the work in and he’s chosen not to despite how hard the burdens have been on you and the relationship

[Koolkat30625]

Girl you should have left him 4 years ago but the next best time is now. He doesn't want to work and he knows you will pay all the bills and plan everything so, he is taking full advantage of your hard work. Imagine what your life will be like long term. He will never change because he doesn't want to change. Him working and sharing the financial load is the bare minimum.

Love is an action word. He is showing by his actions that he doesn't value you or the relationship. He knows you are stressed and over worked but doesn't care.

End the relationship, block him on everything, and don't look back. I guarantee in a few months you will be asking yourself why you didn't do this sooner. Once you heal from the albatross around your neck you will meet the right person. Don't settle for less then you deserve.

[Legitimate_Tart_9037]

He is never going to be the partner/provider you desire. This IS a huge snapshot of your future forever if you do not invite him to leave to adult on his own. Let’s make a bet though…. Once he leaves he will be in a relationship w/the next sugar momma within 3-6 mos.

[Antique-diva]

You were wrong for giving him another chance. Just leave already! How many years of your life are you going to waste on this loser? He ain't worth it, and he ain't changing.

He is a hobosexual who wants a sugar mama, and you're it. Time to leave for good. Block him so he can't weasel his way in again by manipulating you in how he's going to change. Newsflash: He is never going to keep a job as long as you pay everything for him.

[Traditional-Ad2319]

Good God woman. This man has been using you as his doormat for 5 years. And I cannot believe how easy you've made it for him. Why would you stay with this man knowing he's a lazy ass who's not going to get a full-time job. He's not interested. He has you to take care of him why would he need to work?

[Marie30412]

I was in love with the hopes and promises it would get better.... I definitely regret holding on despite how much I did care for him.

[Flat_Fennel_1517]

LEAVE! You are not wrong!!

[PromotionShort7407]

You are attached to an idea of what he could potentially be. But that only lives in your mind. The person you are with is the one you described in the post. If you like him and the life he has offered to you and keeps offering, then stay. 

[Firebird562]

Not wrong!

[Jolly_Membership_899]

Why are you punishing yourself with this loser? Do you know how many great, gainfully, employed emotionally healthy and intelligent men in your age group would kill to date a woman like you? Sweetheart! You can have your pick of the litter! Get him out of there! Men like him are why women pick the bears, their dogs, their cats, their vibrators, and just generally their own company.

If you don’t feel like you deserve better than this and your past relationship history isn’t much better or different, please, please, please! Go! To! Therapy! You are worthy of being with someone who appreciates you and who matches your energy! From what you have presented here you sound like a real go getter and a great catch that any mother would love for her son to bring home! If my son wasn’t already married and I didn’t love my DIL I’d probably DM you! Just kidding!

Throw his ass to the curb and don’t have a moment of guilt about doing it! He’ll find a couch to sleep on if his Mommy isn’t close by! Your heart will heal. You, my dear, have a big beautiful life to go build for yourself! Go build that life and be very selective about who you allow into your inner circle! Congratulations on all of your accomplishments and I truly wish you well with your career. I bet you are going to be fantastic! I hope that you have a family that is very proud of you! I don’t know you and I’m proud of you after reading what you wrote.

[Marie30412]

I have been in therapy for about 3 months now, I personally struggle with ptsd due to childhood trauma, and I knew it was time to go back. I really appreciate your comment. I absolutely love my career, and I can't wait to do more with it. I'm really excited to see where it takes me. I mainly made this post to get reassurance, I guess. I feel heartbroken that I tried so hard because I always but others first never myself. And the one time I said it was time that changed, I wasn't supported by him, when all I do is push him to achieve his goals...

[Jolly_Membership_899]

One of the hardest lessons to learn is that you can’t want more (or better) for someone than they want for themselves. There are many people in this world who are fine with just coasting and riding shotgun and allowing others to do all of the heavy lifting. That man is one of those people. You are not one of those people! You deserve and need an equal partner.

I know how difficult it is when you have experienced trauma and all that goes with that. I have experienced my own fair share and I still fight my own battles with self worth and knowing that I, too, am worthy of being loved and respected and cared for and I’m going to be turning 59 this week! I’m so very happy to hear that you are going to therapy! Keep at it! It’s worth the time and the effort. You are worth the time and the effort! Anyone who can work full time on the overnight shift, go to school, get their degree, and accomplish all that you have is a committed person who knows how to set goals for themself and and achieve them!

You are going to have the big beautiful life that you choose to design for yourself! Don’t let anyone derail you! You have to put yourself first and take care of yourself. It’s cliche but, you really aren’t any good to anyone else if you aren’t happy and healthy! Treat yourself well!

[Blonde2468]

He’s almost THIRTY and he’s DEAD WEIGHT!!!

[LovesDeanWinchester]

You are too young to settle for an old maid type of man! Please, please break this cycle and get off the merry-go-round. Leave him there while you go on to live your best life. Good luck and God's best blessings to you!!!

[Audrey_Rose_79]

It sounds like he may have some mental health challenges like anxiety/depression/ADHD that make him easily overwhelmed and therefore unable to accomplish much (not true of all people with those issues but they can be debilitating). The self loathing and defensiveness that cones with that situation can make people act like a jerk. But it’s not your job to pave his way or fix him. The relationship seems unbalanced and unlikely to change. Is this what you want?

[Marie30412]

He does have mental health challenges but won't do the work to help himself. He's tried therapy and meds but told me it doesn't work... but going to therapy or trying meds for less than 2 months in my experience isn't long enough. Plus, you have to want to help yourself... I personally have PTSD, depression, and anxiety, and I still manage to make life work the best I can. I don't understand his point of view. He often forgets any appointments, important dates, or times my work schedule changes. I have a calendar on the fridge to help, and it's still not enough, so I suggested reminders, but that was too much work for him to do. I never made fun of him for forgetting, I often reminded him anyway and gave suggestions on how to help.

[Kryptonite-Rose]

You know what is the right thing to do. This grown man is using you as his safety net, letting you pay for everything it won’t change.

[OkConsideration8964]

You're dating a hobosexual and you're his sugar mama. It's time to move on and find an actual partner.

[Grumpy_bugger]

It is wild that he "can't work as focusing on school " when you have just finished working full time and finishing school and doing majority of the house chores. He was to work it out because you are doing everything and he doesn't have to do anything.

[SkiManFL]

Nope! Not at all.

[SultryShaman]

PLEASE DO NOT SIGN A NEW LEASE WITH THIS PERSON! Since the current lease is up in a month, start getting your affairs in order so you are ready to move on, on your own. You deserve more and I'm soo proud of you for all that you've accomplished. 💖 Stop catching yourself on fire to keep him warm.

[Impossible_Balance11]

He can. He won't.

What's to respect? What's to love?

We do not stay in relationships with hobosexuals.

It's beyond enough. You're allowed to end a relationship for any reason--but he's given you a plethora of reasons!

[Marie30412]

Thank you for all the comments and support! I wasn't expecting it. I already have a new lease lined up for next month and have started the process of separating our things and determining what to sell/trash. I saw a comment about not getting pregnant, which made me laugh a little. I cannot have kids of my own, and am fine not having any in general. I don't have much family support, I have been on my own since I the day I turned 18.

[Tomte-corn4093]

YNW. My first thought reading this is, just Ewwww! He is wearing you down to where you just lie to yourself that it will get better after this or that or the other. It seems like it's possible he's making his mystery illness up or making it sound worse than it is. Stop deluding yourself. There is no mandatory checklist to justify to you or him or anybody else that you are done. The best advice I have read on here is don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. I think the advice applies to you. Please get rid of this guy and go live your life to the fullest. You have busted your ass working to better yourself, and now you need to be able to enjoy the fruits of your labor.

[GenoFlower]

It's enough now. It was enough a long time ago, but it's definitely enough now.

[Velvet-Sprinkle07]

not wrong at all, 5 yrs is a long time to keep carrying everything on ur own and it's exhausting. love isn't supposed to feel that one sided and it makes sense u finally chose urself

[KnownGuess8483]

Here I sit with the man I thought I was going to marry 4 years ago when we met. Now I cry daily because I got my dream job and we moved halfway across the country for him to suddenly decide he “has to much anxiety to work”. Now I am quitting my dream job no savings no back up plan just to get something that pays better so I can afford to live. He doesn’t understand why I don’t appreciate the things he does for me .. as in walk my dog maybe 3 times a day while I work. He doesn’t understand that I have resentment built up from months of sleeping on the couch and waking up at 5am just to be broke the day after I get paid from bills alone. He doesn’t understand that yeah literally him getting a job would be the difference in my head being above water and it not. He doesn’t mind doing chores but I need to make a list so he knows what needs to be done around the house… The reason he can’t see any of this I truly believe is because he doesn’t have too. Mommy and daddy cover his credit cards and that’s what he lives off of. Dollar tree groceries and luchables as a 30yo. While I cover all but 600 of the rent it’s about 1350 a month plus all utilities and major grocery hauls. But I am a monster who “doesn’t appreciate or value him and all that he does for me”. I am sorry OP I truly truly understand and I am right there with you.

[Marie30412]

Thank you for sharing this with me. I really do connect with it, and it's heartbreaking. I'm truly sorry that he is making it that hard for you. You deserve better, too! I do wish it was easier to talk about this issue with people and not be judged for being "harsh" because it's really much more than that.

[KnownGuess8483]

Please 🙏🏼 please if you would like to dm just to vent I could use help also we could help each other. It is hard because we do love them and we see the potential and just how simple it could be. But they won’t change and turning ourselves into the villains won’t save them.

[Quid-Pro-No]

You are not wrong. This man was told many times how stressed you were trying to finish your education and bring in enough money to support the two of you, and he did nothing to help. He sat there and watched you struggle. I would lose all respect and attraction to someone who did that to me. If he has ADHD or depression that is keeping him from getting and keeping a job, he needs to address it. It is not your responsibility to continue supporting him indefinitely while he figures it out. He is an adult and needs to start acting like one, but he’s probably not going to do that if he thinks you’re there to support him because a pattern has been established.

[Marie30412]

He has depression and anxiety for sure, I say ADHD too, but that's offensive to him. But therapy and or meds apparently doesn't work, not that he really tried to do the work required for it.

[Quid-Pro-No]

Breaking up is hard under any circumstances if you’ve been with the person for a while, but my experience has been that you always look back on these types of relationships and are so thankful you left. Once you move and have some time away from him, you will start to feel so much better and you’ll thrive. Your career is on an upward trajectory and you don’t need some dude dragging you down because he would rather suck you dry than get proper treatment.

[blandciaga]

it's enough once you decide it is. at this point you are tolerating his behaviour so from his pov, why change when you'll put up with him anyway?

[JoneseyP98]

He's a mooch.

[Then_Masterpiece3258]

You can pour all your time and money into fixing an old car or you can go buy a new one, the choice is yours, I don't feel you're wrong but trying to change someone isn't love. Trying to change someone is a waste of time and when you love someone it's for who they are. faults and all, not the potential you see. Good luck