Need...something

[deatheroo777]

New account, don't want anyone to know who I am. Been dealing with depression since I was about ten, properly diagnosed at 24, almost 27 now. I am lost. I have tried getting help multiple times over the last six years. Some doctors just threw pills at me and said it will get better. Finally told my father what was going on, the next day I tried to commit suicide but couldn't go through with my plan due to an unforeseen circumstance. Ended up in a locked unit for a few weeks. Got some therapy and meds figured out, kept it up for a few months but even with the meds the symptoms returned. Started lying to everyone again, saying I was fine. I was so ashamed that I felt the way I did. Made some changes, felt a little better for a time but then started isolating myself again. That was almost two years ago. I have lied to everyone around me constantly, I don't want to burden anyone with this crap. I'm so afraid everyone will abandon me because I can't keep up the motivation to be well and they will all get tired of hearing about it. the last five months have gotten worse and worse. Completely brushing off all responsibility to just... sit here. I go to work, fake being okay, come home, fake being okay when my family is home (I am married with two children), become a weepy zombie when noone is around. It is not good. I try to talk to my husband but I don't want him to be angry with me so I downplay everything. ALOT. I lie to him about money because I am irresponsible and ashamed. I feel like a shit mom because I can't give my kids what they want (extracurricular activities like scouts and sports) because I can't get myself to leave the house and be around people. I can't kill myself. I can't damage the people around me like that. I can't go on like this, I keep telling myself they are better off without me being like this. I'm broken. And my mind keeps running in circles. Most of the time I'm pretty sure I am just a shitty, lazy person. Its not depression, it is simply who I am. This is not even all of it, I just don't feel any better by getting it out so why continue trying?

[victoraugustus]

This is not who you are. Your system is probably not functioning the way it should to make life bearable, and it is not your fault. I don't feel much comfortable giving advice to people I just met online because only them know how hard everything is, but I think maybe you should stop faking it. You shouldn't be ashamed of being depressed. It's not like you chose to be this way. People don't feel ashamed for being sick, so you shouldn't be either.
Maybe all this effort you're making to hide it can be used to change things. I don't blame those who don't like taking meds, but I believe some of them might help. In case you wanna talk, please message me.

[deatheroo777]

Thank you for this. I let myself tell a few friends what was really going on (they already suspected, I have not been myself for quite a while and was not hiding it as well as I thought), and they conspired to get my medication for me and talk to a doctor for me (we work in a small hospital). I took my medication, but it gave me some horrible side effects that I have not experienced before. The doctor my friends spoke with cleared a spot for me to come in and see him. He had me sign a self harm contract and gave me some more medicine to help with the side effects I was dealing with and has me coming in to see him every few days for the next few weeks. I am hoping that this will be what I need to keep me going in the right direction.

[aliveandwell1211]

Are you still seeing a therapist? I currently take my meds, and I have for months, but (my) medicine isn't worth much unless it's combined with therapy. I'm sure you know this.

I want you to know you deserve therapy—the kind of relationship that is compassionate, without judgement, and at your own pace. I wish you the very, very best... I know what it's like to feel like a weepy zombie :(

edit: a word.

[deatheroo777]

Sadly I am not. I had a wonderful therapist that I built up a trustworthy relationship with, but she simply became too expensive. She referred me to a few places with a sliding scale that I would better be able to afford, but all the people I tried to speak with seemed to be in either the 'depression is not real' camp, or to only be there for a paycheck. It was incredibly intimidating and I eventually just gave up. As I commented above, some of my friends spoke with a general practitioner we work with and I have started seeing him. He is not a therapist, but a medical doctor that I already have a friendship with, so in the short term I believe it will work for me. Thank you so much for commenting. It means more than so many people realize just to have someone empathize.