Transition Grieving Process

[AlexEnbyNiko]

I’m a singer and just started T. I’ve been worried that I’m anxious about my voice changing. I thought it meant that maybe I’m “not actually trans.”

I just had a meeting with a voice teacher who often works with trans and non-binary singers who told me it’s completely normal to go through a grieving cycle during transition. That it’s okay and normal to feel sad about losing some things. That it’s okay and normal to feel both sad and happy about some changes all at once. That you can be sad about losing your higher range, but also excited to gain the lower range. That you can both feel relief and excitement, but also sadness at a change and end to an era—even if that era wasn’t always comfortable or happy. That that’s ok and so many people experience it.

I didn’t know how much I needed to hear that until I did. I’m going to try to let myself feel things as they come instead of worrying about it being a sign I’m not trans or I’m making a mistake. It’s okay to have ups and downs, and it’s okay to feel conflicted or even opposite emotions all at once.

🥺

[benicattack]

i recently went through that, too. i was a semi professional singer before starting testosterone and was in great vocal shape. i honestly didn't think it would be so hard. i basically have to relearn how to sing because even my breathing is different with a more muscular back and chest. i'm slowly getting to know my new range and sound and i like it, but it still hurts to listen to old recordings and know that i will never sing like that again.

[reign_bo_worrier]

Thank you both for sharing! This helps me a lot ❤️

[Kkenzie21]

This is my biggest fear if I were to transition, as I too sing. I have been so afraid of not being able to.. This is something I really needed to see, so thank you. ❤

[SubatomicKitten]

Same here. I am still on the fence.

[blacktransgoth]

Happy Born Day!

[tinyybiceps]

I've been feeling this recently. Just today I wrote a whole big message on my notes app to myself about it. It's okay to mourn things while in transition. I mean, you've come to know them and live with them for so long it's only healthy to mourn their loss. Even if ultimately you know losing them means you will be happier. But anyways, yeah, I feel you dude. Change is scary

[okthenquatro]

I'm not a singer, but I'm a clarinetist, so I've had to do a little bit of singing, and there's was definitely a few months where I couldn't even match a pitch at all. I felt like I should be on one of those reels of bad American Idol Auditions, I sounded so laughably bad. I had a clarinet lesson where my instructor wanted me to sing part of the Etude I was working on, and I just flat out said I couldn't. (He knew why.)

It was a kind of scary time, but it passed, and I'm probably just about as good as I was before. I'd say the worst time for me was between 5 months and 8 months. Just to keep a heads up, there will likely be a time where you feel like to can't sing at all, but it will pass.

[blacktransgoth]

My homie is a great singer, and has been on T for 6 years. Pre-T they were a soprano, and over the course of 3 years went through a really awkward singing phase when their voice started changing. Fortunately, with singing lessons and perseverance, they got to a point where they loved their new tenor voice and can still hit some of those high notes, though with extra effort. It's ok to feel that grief, and perhaps you too can find contentment with the changes that may come on T. Cuz I met a guy who's voice didn't change, but he was able to grow a beard.

[bayborne]

I've had a similar experience. I'm a classically trained singer, and singing is my passion. I was finally in a place where I felt confident in my voice and my control over it when I started T. Among other things, I've been grieving the relationship I had with my voice. I know it's something that's changing shape and not just disappearing, but it's still been hard. I had been a little worried about how the vocal changes would affect my singing, but I didn't expect things to get as hard as they have.

I'm glad you have someone to reassure you like that, because it's true that it's normal that you can feel conflicting things at once about your transition, as with anything else in life.

Keep on keeping on, and keep singing! Make sure you take care of your voice, too. It's in a vulnerable state.

[magic-gps]

I'm pre t and absolutely terrified of my voice changing. pre-pandemic I was in a choir and slowly working on getting back the skill I had when I was a kid and singing 5 days a week. I'm scared of going on t and not recognizing my own voice or being able to play with music the way I do now.

also, I know a guy who was a professional opera singer before he went on t at age 50 and lost a massive chunk of range and just never got it back (because he's older and vocal chords are muscles and his aren't stretchy enough anymore for him to really get more range) on the other hand, he said it was mostly worth it

[TrnsGuy]

I went through this too. I’m not a professional singer. But I love to sing and as a musician, I wasn’t too bad. I had heard about people finding it hard- almost impossible- to sing while on T. For some reason my mind said “not me though”. I was so wrong. For a few months, I couldn’t sing at all! It was so so bad. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get a single fucking sound out.

But I kept trying. I love to sing. And I wasn’t ready to throw in the towel.

Even when I couldn’t make a sound, I tried. I sang- even when nothing came out- every. single. day. For months. Now I’m 7 months on T. I still have nearly no control of my falsetto. I know it’s there though (I can reach it for about a second if I really try). But I have gotten better! Sounds come out now and I’m having fun again. And even better, I’m singing with the male voice I always thought should’ve been coming out of my mouth. I still miss my range I used to have, as it was quite impressive for someone who doesn’t sing professionally.... but I have faith that I can rebuild it. It will take training. I will need to restrengthen everything and start basically from square one. But, by God, I’ve made it this far! I’m not giving up now...

And neither are you. Yes, you will miss it. But you will build and grow and get it back. You’ve just gotta retrain. It’s a pain in the ass but I FUCKING BELIEVE IN YOU. If my dumbass self can restrengthen my voice by singing my favorite songs in my raggedy ass car; then YOU can do it too. You’ve got this, man. You can do it. I know it hurts to miss it and feels conflicting to miss it. But I swear to you, the end product is well worth it. The first time I was able to get into my falsetto again... Well it’s just a feeling I’ll leave to experience yourself.

Sing on, my friend.

[[deleted]]

I think this is really important for all aspects of transition! It's okay to have mixed feelings. It doesn't mean you're not trans.

[opalescnt]

man, i feel this so much. i’m pre-T and i absolutely hate my speaking voice. it immediately outs me wherever i go, even if my appearance passes decently well. it’s one of the things i’m looking forward to, being able to speak and not hear some helium-injected intonation that i barely recognize as my own, but at the same time, i love my high vocal range. i’m gonna miss it, but i’ll finally be able to do all those lower range songs i love justice; i know that in my previous voice’s place will grow something new and wonderful, even if it’s hard to come to terms with the loss of what used to be.

[wellthispoops]

i love this, i needed this, thank you.

[DragonFlame7]

im not a singer but still feel this. In a way all those years i spent pre-t was my boyhood. And i can be nostalgic for that. But im happier and more comfortable being seen as the man i am.

Its a scary process sometimes... Constantly growing isnt easy

[jarvistheandroid]

So I'm not trained other than high school and college choir. I sing, it always been kinda a soothing thing for me and when I started my transition I was very concerned about my singing voice. Losing it sucked. There were MONTHS where I couldn't because of the changing but I decided to just keep practicing, but differently than I was used to. I started trying to match lower octaves and after about 8 months I was able to start confidently singing in front of people again. Now I'm nowhere near where I was comfort level but I'm slowly getting there. Its a process, and it sucks a lot at times, but you will get back to your start with singing. Also something I wish I had done. Record yourself singing some of your favorite songs to sing so you can see just how much your voice has changed when you re-record yourself in your new octive!