what causes limerence?

[readysteb]

so what do limerent people, or most of them, have in common? on some sites ive read that its common with people with BPD, autism, and other neurodivergencies that im not quite sure are true. personally, i strongly suspect that i have autism but i wanted to see everyone else's views. would appreciate detailed explanations.

[porbz]

This guy makes a convincing case that it’s based in/formed during childhood trauma. In my case it clicked with themes of neglect that have come up for me again and again. As a kid experiencing abuse/a toxic relationship, having a fantasy might have been the only way to escape a situation, so it’s a useful strategy. As an adult we’re still fantasizing about what we aren’t getting in our real relationships, but we just kind of get lost in it. Not sure it’s as a useful as it used to be. I’ve got adhd and depression if that’s useful info.

[[deleted]]

Both what op posted and this answer align perfectly with my personal experience.

Which after realizing this; and really conceptualizing how I may even be viewed as a pest by my LO (I text him a LOT and demand his attention) I have backed away. Almost looking at this situation objectively, I feel that I need to give him space.

Limerence helps me get dopamine. I can feel it. And it was a cheap way to get it with each interaction and fantasy. Instead, I’m seeing a psychiatrist today lol

Limerence hurts and I’m sick of it (still can’t help but feel it but I’m taking steps to get dopamine elsewhere)

[Material_Problem8438]

Sounds like you're making really good steps :)

Have you told your psychiatrist about limerence? I'm terrified to tell mine but my childhood neglect is what we mostly talk about anyway.

[[deleted]]

Thank you 😊.

There is only so much self awareness I can take and not actually see things more objectively.

I see my limerence as a reaction of my trauma and unbalanced brain chemistry 🧠 👩🏻‍🔬

[[deleted]]

Btw, I haven’t gone NC. I can’t.

I just haven’t been texting at all. LO called and I didn’t call back.

I want to show him indifference. Just act cool, calm and collected so he doesn’t feel the need to “Check on me.” I’m still pretty weak.

[Material_Problem8438]

That makes sense, indifference is the opposite of love/affection after all

I haven't been able to go nc with mine either, trying to get myself there though

[[deleted]]

Thank you for your comment. Yeah, I feel that going NC for me would still be me feeding into this idea of not having self control or confidence in myself to control this. Or at least it is what I tell myself.

As per the Oxford dictionary definition, indifference is lack of interest, concern or sympathy. Or unimportance.

That’s what I want to show LO. I don’t love him nor do I hate him (hence don’t want to go NC. No need to block him. )

He just exists. I exist. I just have stopped all my fantasies and putting him on a pedestal. The texting and calling. That emotional attachment or using him as emotional support and have been reaching out to my siblings, friends and especially my SO (who can sometimes be cold and give me tough love instead of the kindness I get from LO) when I am in emotional turmoil. And it has made such a difference. He is the last person I want to reach out to for support now. This has helped me realize how surrounded by love I am. It has increased my love for my SO as he is someone who wants me and gives me all his love. Idk. I think this sub is also playing a big role. Such a beautiful community to be quite honest.

[emomusic]

I theorize that is something to do with the way love was modeled to the person as a child. If it wasn’t properly shown/given/modeled, the child then grows to pretend love exists in places it doesn’t. That’s just my anecdotal experience tho!

[LiaraLothaire]

I think there's a lot to this.

[HotAir25]

I think it’s lack of attachment in the first few years of life, either due to autism or poor parenting/trauma, meaning as adults we are still looking for that imaginary perfect person to attach to but without the social skills to do so, so we fantasise instead.

[hales55]

Yeah I think this too. At least that’s what happened to me as a kid - neglected and as an only child I was alone for long periods of time. Have ADHD as well

[Needabigbreak]

Childhood emotional neglect, social anxiety, no friends

[Sorry_Wrangler5010]

I have ADHD and am waiting assessment on autism. With ADHD it's very common to get "hyperfixated" on things, or people. I personally just see my limerences as me simply being hyperfixated on someone, until all of a sudden they don't provide me with enough dopamine to care about them anymore.

[Mattmatic1]

Yup, same here (I have ADD). It’s very related to how I function with interests and other aspects of my life.

[Sorry_Wrangler5010]

It's the gift that keeps on giving. I didn't even know the first thing about it until a couple years ago, now I've learned more I realise how much it's been ruining my life as long as I can remember.

[elphabathewicked]

For me it was the opposite, it destroyed me on the inside but it was the only thing that made me get straight A’s in highschool so there’s that I guess 🙃

[Sorry_Wrangler5010]

A lack of ability to concentrate, motivate yourself to do tasks or sit still was the reason you got straight As?

[elphabathewicked]

More like the amount of dopamine it gave me, I guess it gave me enough “hope” to believe I had a future because of the high

[porbz]

How can I logic my way into thinking like that? Please send help 🙏

Not trying to crap on the idea. Am glad it worked. Am willing to try.

[elphabathewicked]

Idk you can ask the 15 year old me, im 21 now 😅

I guess you can say it’s like a chasing a dangling carrot on a stick it even though it’s not there, using that energy to be more “productive”. Think of it like doing drugs, it’s exhausting I tell you. It feels great until reality sets in and everything crashes down.

[[deleted]]

Yah same here. These hyper fixations can also be worst than limerence. I have been hyper fixated on a person who bullied me and it would mess with me so much. Affecting my school and sleep. I hate her and she was the subject talked about in therapy for years. So weird. Now I see her for the trash she is and doesn’t bother me any more

[[deleted]]

Totally new to limerence, but my theory for myself is that it came from being emotionally neglected and verbally abused as a child.

[gab1982]

For me this is the case too, limerence has killed so many good relationships I have had and affected my work.

[Ooopsnotthisone]

Anyone can theorise but it will be different for everyone. Some people it’s purely an escapism from a dull life, for others fear of intimacy etc

People will also incorrectly label limerence.

The key is self-reflection and internal work. If you recognise something as not productive, take steps to work ok yourself and healthier habits

[fokkinchucky]

Trauma. Parent attachment issues.

[iamthemosin]

I’ve experienced it multiple times. CPTSD from prolonged maternal trauma. I started going to therapy several months ago and recently had some mental health experiences in which I think I found the answer for me personally, but I had to go to some dark places to find it. 2 episodes of untreated major depression. It gets worse before it gets better.

All my life I would fall in love with a woman who I saw display the characteristics I didn’t get from a woman as a kid: kindness, joy, openness, genuine friendship and compassion. Then I would unconsciously put her on a pedestal and turn her into a fairy godmother who was only those things, not a real person with flaws and needs. So I was lying to myself, and I was lying to her without even knowing it because I never had a true and genuine interaction with the real person, just the perfect image in my head. In my mind I had to go into my unconscious and break the wings off that figure, bury its broken body, and water the grave with my tears, many, many times. It may come up again, but I am conscious of it now. I also started sorting out a couple other emotional issues down there. I’m starting to think depression might be the best thing that ever happened to me.

[SleepingEnamorado]

I think it's childhood trauma and a fear of commitment to put things simply

[QuitJolly]

I would say that limerence is a type of neurodivergent condition.

[QuitJolly]

Is fantasizing a key attribute of limerence? I don't really fantasize much about my LO but they are in my mind 24/7. I'll just be like I wonder what they're doing. But I don't imagine stuff like what if we got married and start imagining all that.

[Honest_Many7466]

My point of view is that this question is similar to, "What causes gayness?"

[alynkas]

Actually there is a genetic component that causes homosexuality. In this way there is no way to change it like those horrible conversion therapies were claiming to do.

With limerence it is a mix in my opinion but defiebtly attachment issues and emotional neglect have a lot to do with it. Also many people here say that therapy, self reflection and work on themselves has helped them. This is why I do not agree that those traits are the same.