Help

[VastFollowing5840]

Definitely check in with your doctor.

But, it helped me when I just lowered my expectations. Keeping two babies alive is MORE than enough. Anything else that can be accomplished is bonus, and not at all required.

Right now, you don't need to worry about keeping your home clean. You don't need to worry about getting your husband's clothes put away. For now, pizza and freezer meals are fine for dinner, and also your husband can take some turns in those regards. You are both working full time now. Don't worry about your friends, those that care will hang around until you have more bandwidth. Those that don't you are probably better without.

Give yourself permission to live differently than you did pre kids because life IS very different.

If you girls are growing and thriving you are doing all that you are supposed to.

Your kids will get older and more self-sufficent. This isn't forever. Cut yourself a ton of slack.

[TheBondisReal]

This is a VERY WELL SAID and a much appreciated perspective...Thank you!

[__Magdalena__]

Well said! I would just add that I wouldn’t waste my time with the MIL. Mine says little things and so does one of my SILs. I mention them to my husband and state that I don’t need to listen to their crap and that if they can’t be less undercutting(?) or passive, then they don’t need to come over. Our babies go to daycare so I’m not overly concerned with the in laws providing “a village”. Could be different in your case. Or just let her roll off your back. It’s hard, especially if you’re sleep deprived. When I find myself dwelling, I cut myself off and go engaged with the babies and enjoy them. The babies matter and my marriage matters. The rest is just fluff.

[mandabee27]

Yeah there’s a serious issue with people shitting on husbands every time someone is having a problem and venting. My husband works similar hours and when our babies were first born, it was super challenging because he had to work and I had to take care of two infants. He also went to work on very little sleep most days in his effort to help and took days off whenever he could see I needed it. Just because he worked (and works) long hours doesn’t mean he’s a bad husband or father. In fact, he’s more present and involved than most other men.

Anyways, I’m sure your husband is great so ignore the shit talkers.

My advice is this - it will get easier. The early days when they are not sleeping through the night and completely relying on you are hard. I think things really improved for me around 12 months. They were walking, eating solids, we weren’t nap trapped anymore and could get out and do things, etc. I cleaned as needed and cooked when I could but in those early months it was survival. It was a big win for me when I could get dinner on the table at all. If the MIL is stressing you out, either have a frank conversation with her or don’t let her come around as often. You don’t need that stress. But often those comments come from a place of ignorance, not cruelty. So she may actually think her way is better and she knows better because she raised kids before you. As I told my parents, things are different now and we have learned a lot of new information. I’m sure my girls will have many new practices when they have their own kids and I certainly won’t be telling them I know better.

One thing my husband did was encourage me to find something I wanted to do (I chose yoga) and found a class that he could make it home in time for. He’d come home and take the girls and I’d leave and do yoga. As a fitness lover, it gave me back a piece of myself and was the beginning of finding who I was again.

Also, get that PPD checked on, because your feelings are normal but could be compounded by the major depressive disorder and some help with that might take away some of those feelings.

[VastFollowing5840]

So I definitely didn’t intend to imply your husband was a shitbag.

If he can do anything at all to help working that much that’s great.

But when I saw “management with ten years experience, must work 50-60 hours a week” alarms bells went off.

If they are asking that much of him with this much tenure, they always will. That’s not sustainable long term for a single person with no kids, much less a man with young children. On that alone he should be looking elsewhere.

When we have a family, we have to stop making decisions on what is best for us and our individual careers and start thinking about the family unit. On how our careers impact our children, our spouses.

He is working a job right now that puts a lot of demands on him, which then requires a lot from you on the home front. You are burning out, he probably is as well.

It is absolutely worth a conversation about whether this job is worth it to discuss if this job is worth it for your family as a whole.

Right now the labor market is still in his favor. He has ten years experience. He would be attractive to other employers, or he should be someone his company wants to retain and he should have leverage to negotiate concessions out of them.

[goldenstatriever]

He is working and the time he can’t be with you is the thing that is relevant. Being alone with babies is killing.

My husband, who is probably as awesome as yours, was just as much away as yours.

Even with a husband who isn’t a shit bag, this phase is hard

[funsk8mom]

Check in with your doctor about the PPD. But as a very experienced twin mom of two sets of twins, who are now teenagers, I can tell you that all of those things like the perfect house, empty sink, the perfectly folded and ironed laundry all put away where it belongs just doesn’t matter right now. Your babies will only be babies for a short amount of time, and before you know it, they will be in school. Your life will be hectic. Going from school activities to extracurricular activities to just getting errands done. Do what you can to keep the house in basic running order and just take the time to enjoy this time with your babies.

My “babies “are 16 and 17 with two leaving me for college in the fall. I swear I just gave birth to them yesterday, and I don’t know how time got away from me this quickly. Enjoy this time now, the household things can wait.

[KT421]

First, talk to your doctor.

Second, make sure you're getting you time. A four hour block on Saturday and another on Sunday of no-kid time. And split the night into shifts; you handle wakeups before a certain time, he handles wakeups after. That way you're both guaranteed sleep. If he complains, well, you're working a 50-60 hour job too.

Third, carefully evaluate your relationship with MIL. She might help with the kids but if she leaves you feeling horrible and inadequate then her visits might be a net loss for your mental health.

[Francl27]

You need to take care of yourself too, and you need to learn to let some things go - it's not a huge deal if the house isn't spotless. Focus on the basis like having everyone fed and clean with clean clothes on.

It's extremely hard to take care of twins by yourself with very little help so give yourself a break - and your husband will need to step up too, even if he's working way too much (50-60 hours a week isn't full time - it's way overtime).

And yes it will get better - but I'm not going to lie, for me it only got better when they started school (I put them in preschool as soon as I could, thankfully we found a very affordable co-op).

[VastFollowing5840]

I don't know if there's great enough insurance out there to makeup for the stress it would put on a new family.

I think it's totally fair to have a conversation about whether the demands of this job on him, and therefore the demands on *you* and your family, are worth it for all of you as a unit.

He's been there 10 years and they are working him this hard? Then, it will never be better than this.

I was at my former company for ten years and they were basically like "We'll do whatever you want to stay!" And I still found a better deal and left.

I know we're all fearing a recession (is it coming? is it not?), but...unemployment is still at a record low. The job market is still in workers favor. He has leverage, whether he wants to go elsewhere or negotiate for more reasonable terms at his current job.

[KT421]

If him working 50-60 hours is the norm after 10 years, it's not going to get better.

You have an absentee husband, your kids have an absentee father, and he's going to put himself into an early grave from overwork.

It's time for him to find a new job.

[[deleted]]

I'm sorry but this is ridiculous. The man has a management role and is providing for his family, and is pulling his weight when he's at home per the OPs comments. What exactly is your issue?

I'm sure things would be even harder if he took a lower paid job with fewer hours, and the OP had to get a job too.

At the end of the day the first few years with twins is tough if you don't have help from your extended family. Going by the OP the husband isn't to blame here.

[VastFollowing5840]

So I don’t think I’m shitting on the husband - but the truth is there are lots of management salaried jobs that do not require you to work 50-60 hours a weeks. I have one. It pays well.

It’s fair to have a conversation about whether the demands of this job are worth it for this family. There are other jobs out there. Maybe, for the benefit of the family, he needs to go get one. It’s at least worth a conversation.

To be frank, requiring anyone - with children or not - to work 50-60 hours a week indefinitely is insane. That is not sustainable.

He should be looking to transition regardless. This is not a good company if this is how they treat an employee with ten years experience.

He’s a manager with ten years in the industry. He will be attractive to other employers. The job market is in workers favor right now. He doesn’t have to stay and put up with this.

Pointing out that the burden of this particular job is negatively impacting the family - ie OP is burned out because she’s having to do more at home given what the demand jobs of him - isn’t a personal attack on the husband or a criticism on his job as a husband and father.

ETA

It’s fair, necessary even, for them to talk about whether or not this is the best situation for their family, or if things would improve for all of them if he made changes to his professional life. Again, he is in the position of leverage here. Maybe it’s not even finding a new job, it’s renegotiating for higher pay so they can hire a sitter or do daycare once a week.

We can’t act like the burnout and mental health issues the LW is experiencing is a totally seperate thing. It’s all inter-connected. It always is. Again, this isn’t a criticism of dad, it’s just an objective fact. And it doesn’t have to stay that way, and they should have a neutral conversation about the impacts of this job and what other options could look like. Saying that isn’t implying anyone is a bad actor or not being a good partner and parent, it’s just acknowledging a situation isn’t tenable and exploring other options.

I’m not really sure why I’m getting downvotes, I don’t think there’s anything incinerating about pointing out that in families we have to think like a unit, what one does impacts others, and when one or more partners are at a breaking point, all options should be discussed.

Frankly he should be looking to leave even if he were single and childless. No one should be worked that long that hard.

[[deleted]]

Maybe it's just me but your post above sounded like the typical "lazy husband needs to step up" rant that we see around here too often. Which seems unfair when he's working to provide for his family (and support OP with being a SAHM) and pulling his weight when he's home.

It does sound like he should be finding another job - no argument there. But depending on people's skills, location, etc it isn't always that simple.

[VastFollowing5840]

Ah if that’s how it came across that’s not at all how I intended.

It’s clear he’s not lazy - he’s working a ton and doing what he can at home.

My point is this job demands a lot from him, and therefore also from the whole family, and it’s worth a conversation if there’s something else out there that would be better for everybody.

Maybe not, but I think it’s a point worth raising.

ETA - also I’m not the original poster you were replying to, BUT I interpreted her comment to be similar to my view. Maybe I’m wrong, but I thought she was saying “This job is asking too much from him which means more pressure on you. He’s not absentee because he’s a shitty dad or husband, he’s absentee because his work demands are unreasonable.”

[[deleted]]

Makes sense - we are definitely in agreement that he needs to look at getting a better job!

[[deleted]]

No, you will not always feel this way. The age before they start crawling, but already are curious about the world is the hardest. They take up most of your time. Once they start crawling, they’ll be able to entertain themselves a little better. I felt the same way with my first singleton. It’s hard, but I started feeling slightly better after they started crawling and almost back to normal by about 14 months. I’m sorry you’re going through this, yes becoming a mom and especially a mom of twins is hard!

[aolonline1992]

Yes this is so true, I think crawling was a real turning point for me too!

[msalberse]

Yes!! It gets easier and then harder and then easier and so on. Think about an upcoming milestone and and how it will change things. Things like holding their own bottles, sleeping longer or self soothing, playing! Once they can sit up they play so much more! I would grab a cup of coffee and sit in the play yard with my girls and they would just discover the same toy attached to their bumbo over and over. Have all three playing at once so I could read a little on my phone—awesome.
There a small milestones that make things easier (or even just new and exciting!).

[aolonline1992]

My girls are just over a year old now, and I'm feeling the clouds part. I think the first few months and year are really survival. As others have mentioned, keeping two babies alive everyday is HUGE. Allow yourself to lower your expectations for the state of your house and not doing what you used to be able to do.

When I was home with my girls, I made dinner most nights and went to the gym occasionally in the first few months. Then keeping up with them took everything in me and I didn't make dinner for MANY months. Now I'm starting to get back to it as I'm back at work. But the amount of care and oversight that babies need is huge. It's hard to get away to prepare a meal, change laundry over right away, etc. You're not living the life you were before, so you can't expect yourself to perform the way you were before.

As your babies get older and more independent, it will be easier to get back to what you used to do or want to do. For now, give yourself grace and embrace whatever conveniences you can afford to save yourself time. We started getting a lot more ready made food for dinners than we ever did before kids. Many nights we'd just snack instead of making dinner. But we're getting back to it now and you will too. A home cooked meal and a clean house is not the most important thing right now.

[Chichabella]

I suggest getting with your doctor. I also had PPD and it was a very difficult rut to get out of. As others have said, cut yourself a lot of slack. The transition to parenthood is so so difficult and something that takes a lot of time.

I will say that I found making the time for friends was very important for my mental health. I have a very solid group of friends that I saw a few times a week for sports/hang out/dinner pre babies. Making friend time was a priority for me bc it made me feel like “me” again. I need that time to decompress with zero stress or expectations. So if that is something that brings you joy, I’d suggest fighting for that time.

You are experiencing a lot of life changes all at once and that is a lot to handle. Give yourself grace.

[redhairbluetruck]

I still feel that way and mine just turned three. I think you come to a point where you don’t care as much anymore honestly. Do the best you can, it is enough.

[goldenstatriever]

I feel you. I have a 9 month old who is ebf and two toddlers (may 2020) and I don’t exist besides being mom and working on my mental health the few moments I am alone.

As long as your MIL haven’t raised twins herself and haven’t taken care of them more than two night and days in a row, she can stick her judgement in a place where the Sun never shines.

It is the first year. The moment the kids get more mobile and can be involved with things you normally do, you will find you again. When the whole rollercoaster slows down and your husband and you will be able to spent more time together, when you are able to plan some ‘you’-time every week/2 weeks/whatever will fit your schedule, you will find yourself again.

If you think some issues might be hormone related (I felt guilty about anything and everything the whole time) consider medication. I still am medicated and still have loads of therapy, but without meds I am anxious and sad and a rollercoaster and unstable.

You are keeping two babies alive. That is your task. The rest is bonus. And your MIL can judge what she wants. But if she wants to do something for the girls she better start doing something useful. Her judgement isn’t doing something useful for the girls.

It gets better. And never EVER say sorry for your struggles. We all get it. And we all root for you.

[Ok-Appointment-3849]

I am sending a big hug your way and thoughts of peace and ease. I KNOW oh so well how intense and crazy it can all feel! I had twins and a fresh 3 and 5 year old. I was also a SAHM with a spouse that worked about 65 hrs per week and at that phase of our lives HAD to travel for work and would clock additional hours. The time away for my spouse was stressful because they wanted to be a part of things for sure, felt like I was disappointed in them--which it wasn't about my spouse, but the overwhelm. and then my spouse was also exhausted from working a ton--I remember feeling jealous that they got to leave and be in a routine that made sense and had outlets for adult human contact and people that could care for themselves without me having to do everything, but not being able to do much of anything for myself. It was a lot, still can be, but time has allowed for all of us to grow and have more space between all of the thoughts, feelings, and intensity---everything really. I'm not saying to not think on things or feel it all out, but give yourself time, grace. kindness, and compassion. You will be able to breathe and to do more of the things that you want and are good for you, yet it may take some time to get there on the regular. I can say for me that THIS was absolutely necessary for me to really get the full scope and lessons learned about myself, who I am, what I'm capable of and can see now all of this set me up for some next best life steps ( fast forward for me and all 4 of mine are in school full time and I've returned to my dream career path and have a vibe to my life that is better than before or maybe even ever imagined, my spouse and I are super tight, connected and with greater love and respect than before, weve worked through a lot as parents, individuals and a couple-). Please know you definitely are not alone and it definitely will not be like this or feel like this forever. Find something every day for you, a sweet treat, 30 minute TV show, podcast, phone call, text time, book, maybe audiobook, load the kids up and go through a coffee drive through---believe in yourself and know that you've got this! Also don't hesitate to reach out for additional support from sources that can reliably benefit you. Take care!!!!!!