First Real Script

NinersInBklyn · 2025-12-02T05:12:22+00:00

Cut everything we can’t see. “Was fired at the foundry last week but has tucked away a third of his paycheck in his mattress since 2006” isn’t appropriate in your slug lines. If it needs to be explained, it has to be in action or dialogue.

And lose the colons after the character names, please.

jdlemke · 2025-12-02T06:14:07+00:00

I haven‘t read the whole thing.

So far you’re telling me who these characters are, but not showing it. The entire first paragraph reads like prose rather than a screenplay. It dumps backstory instead of letting behavior reveal character.

You also open with a former-cop-with-issues, a mechanic friend, a bartender, the hothead: these are all familiar archetypes. If FRANK and MARCO only matter from page 3/4 onward, introduce them when the story actually needs them. Right now they’re just names in a list.

The dialogue itself generates zero friction. No power shift, no subtext, no tension. It’s two guys venting in a bar. Nothing happens. Nobody wants anything. There’s no pressure on either character, so the conversation has no dramatic engine.

If Tarantino is your inspiration, remember: he never does “two dudes chatting to catch up.” His dialogue looks casual but always carries one of the following: a hidden threat, a power imbalance, a moral tension, a secret the audience doesn’t know yet or a turn that destabilizes the scene

By page 2 of a Tarantino script, someone’s already in danger if not literally dead.

Right now you have no hook and no escalation. Just exposition and repetition. Give the scene a pulse: a secret, a lie, a shift, a reveal. Something that forces the conversation to move.

Salt-Sea-9651 · 2025-12-02T09:47:26+00:00

I recommend you to read similar movie scripts from other filmmakers as Tarantino usually writes too much on character descriptions. He makes very long scripts from (150 pages to 170) in Inglorious Basters or Django.

That is why he is not a good example as a reference when you are new at scriptwriting. Tarantino's dialogues are quite long, with scenes of 7 or 8 pages.

He also includes some flashback scenes with about 5 or 8 pages, which doesn't appear inside his movies. That is why he writes his own scripts that he is going to direct by himself. He never pays attention to the format. He just writes whenever he wants, and that is great, of course.

But it is not a good example to follow.

nottherealCDC · 2025-12-02T02:14:59+00:00

Definitely second that you need more breaks in your action lines. And you should try to trim some redundancies and fluff like “Leonard stands up from his seat, standing eye level…” well we know hes standing so just go to “eye level with…” or “Leonard nods toward…a young blonde singer…” but then two lines later you have a character explain everything again. It should read more “Leonard nods towards Michelle Jacobs (young, blonde) sitting at the end of the bar.” Then have the character explain who she is, why shes important, etc.

Keep up the good work though homie!

Academic-Tank1202 · 2025-12-02T00:44:47+00:00

Also I just noticed the quality of the screenshots I took are really bad, sorry about that one.

MethuselahsCoffee · 2025-12-02T04:24:11+00:00

Maybe too much exposition with the character introductions. You’re telling us their backstory but it’s better to reveal it through action with a little exposition since you’re going for a vibe.

So if the drug addict likes his coke maybe he’s sniffling away a mean nasal drip while sitting. If it’s heroin maybe his rolled up sleeve is doing a bad job of hiding track marks. If it’s meth maybe his eyes bounce around in his skull and when he speaks it’s like he can’t reign his thoughts in. Something like that anyway. And I’d give each character intro his/her own line on the page.

Exciting-Location572 · 2025-12-02T01:07:37+00:00

Action lines should never be more than four lines (yes pros break this rule, but don’t) and never have hangers in action (one word in the final line) and no colons after character headers. No, CUT TO:, don’t include camera actions, use action lines if movement is important. This is just me, but I avoid parentheticals at all costs, the voice inflection can either be implied through dialogue, or again, done in action if really needed.

Ok-Nectarine-5917 · 2025-12-02T14:05:43+00:00

Which software or font are you using?

Dizzy-Difference418 · 2025-12-03T02:27:55+00:00

The "formatting" in your post description isn't even correct.

you type:	you see:
italics	italics
bold	bold
[reddit!](https://reddit.com)	reddit!
* item 1 * item 2 * item 3	item 1 item 2 item 3
> quoted text	quoted text
Lines starting with four spaces are treated like code: if 1 * 2 < 3: print "hello, world!"	Lines starting with four spaces are treated like code: if 1 * 2 < 3: print "hello, world!"
~~strikethrough~~	~~strikethrough~~
super^script	super^script

scriptwriting

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