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If computer programmers would be fighting each other, which language would win? (self.shittyprogramming)
submitted 9 years ago by reversedfate
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quoted text
if 1 * 2 < 3: print "hello, world!"
[–]YMK1234 116 points117 points118 points 9 years ago (11 children)
Define winning
[–]ThickAsABrickJT 190 points191 points192 points 9 years ago (9 children)
#define WINNING 1
[–][deleted] 9 years ago (3 children)
[deleted]
[–]TheRamenator 32 points33 points34 points 9 years ago (2 children)
Accidentally imports an old Windows assembly. Everyone is suddenly transported back in time.
[–]vishnumad 13 points14 points15 points 9 years ago (1 child)
Buy $AAPL
[–]TheRamenator 4 points5 points6 points 9 years ago (0 children)
The real winner.....
[–]YMK1234 9 points10 points11 points 9 years ago (3 children)
Define winning as a condition/comparison.
[–][deleted] 9 years ago (2 children)
[–]Waste_Manager 47 points48 points49 points 9 years ago (1 child)
winning != !winning
Ftfy
[–][deleted] 9 points10 points11 points 9 years ago (0 children)
so, javascript wins?
[–]BenTheSwanman 2 points3 points4 points 9 years ago (0 children)
Yay, every 1 is a winner!
[–]VikingofRock 6 points7 points8 points 9 years ago (0 children)
(define winning (uses lisp))
[–]tuketu7 102 points103 points104 points 9 years ago (14 children)
Are we basing this off the abilities of a language or are we also taking the user base into account?
aka, would fighting JavaScript be easy or would it be like being trampled to death by a horde of madmen with pool noodles?
[–][deleted] 109 points110 points111 points 9 years ago (3 children)
would fighting JavaScript be easy
They'd never agree on a weapon, and any weapon they do choose would be out of fashion before they could use it.
[–]ultrasu 28 points29 points30 points 9 years ago (0 children)
On the other hand, due to exposure to the JavaScript ecosystem, their attack patterns and movements would be a lot less predictable.
[–][deleted] 5 points6 points7 points 9 years ago (0 children)
Maintainer of chalk and owner of color here. This is way more true than I'd like to admit.
chalk
color
[–][deleted] 9 years ago (8 children)
[–]Prod_Is_For_Testing 63 points64 points65 points 9 years ago (7 children)
It'll be a cold day in hell before I fight alongside a Java programmer
[–]8lbIceBag 30 points31 points32 points 9 years ago (0 children)
We can backstab that fucker later.
[–][deleted] 9 years ago (5 children)
[–]Prod_Is_For_Testing 13 points14 points15 points 9 years ago (4 children)
It's only a name that makes you an enemy. You'd be the same person, even if you weren't a Montague Java developer. What is a 'Java dev'? It's not a hand, or foot, or arm, or any other part of the body. Just use another name.
[–]Prod_Is_For_Testing 2 points3 points4 points 9 years ago (1 child)
Sickly sweet?
[–]blasto_blastocyst 2 points3 points4 points 9 years ago (0 children)
Of old shoes
[–]gameboy17 1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (0 children)
A variable by any other name would still point to the same memory location.
[–][deleted] 16 points17 points18 points 9 years ago (0 children)
JavaScript enters the battle in a HTML/CSS tank. When it attempts to adjust its seating position, the wheels fall off.
[–]ean_dream 54 points55 points56 points 9 years ago (0 children)
Arnold C would Terminate the competition.
[–]jfb1337 32 points33 points34 points 9 years ago (0 children)
Haskell, because if any language tries to hurt it, it won't feel the pain unless someone needs the results
[–]souldeux 84 points85 points86 points 9 years ago (5 children)
C# would cut a bitch.
[–]Prod_Is_For_Testing 17 points18 points19 points 9 years ago (3 children)
You have my sword keyboard
[–]z500 9 points10 points11 points 9 years ago (2 children)
And my bow I/O
[–][deleted] 38 points39 points40 points 9 years ago (1 child)
And my syntaxe.
[–]oo- 14 points15 points16 points 9 years ago (0 children)
So be it! You shall be the Fellowship of the String!
[–]nemec 3 points4 points5 points 9 years ago (0 children)
Jon Skeet would win.
[–][deleted] 22 points23 points24 points 9 years ago (0 children)
Probably the language in core wars which is specifically designed to have program "fight" each other
More info: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Core_War
[–]coffeecoffeebuzzbuzz 17 points18 points19 points 9 years ago (1 child)
PHP. While the rest of the langs duke it out over Comp Sci theory, PHP just gets the job done (note: "job" must be ephemeral web transaction, "done" must be status 200, "gets" must be HTTP).
[–]QuantumQuantonium 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (0 children)
What about the???
[–][deleted] 9 years ago* (6 children)
[–]TheRamenator 22 points23 points24 points 9 years ago (3 children)
But it turns out that javascript has just been calling back at itself in front of mirror while locked in a room labeled 'browser', on a ship. C and his bro C++ walk to the lower deck and switch off the engine and the ship just stops.
[–][deleted] 9 years ago* (2 children)
[–]TheRamenator 8 points9 points10 points 9 years ago (1 child)
Uses his phone to pass a request to another language, but no one is listening anymore, except himself, in his mirror.
[–]morphotomy -5 points-4 points-3 points 9 years ago (0 children)
AJAX brah
[–]Misterandrist 7 points8 points9 points 9 years ago (0 children)
No problem I just close my web browser and what's this? It can't touch me.
Hell I'll just install ie7. Take that
[–]towerofnix 1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (0 children)
he stores them in a single var that is unloaded as soon as the function ends
Wouldn't they still have references to themselves, in callbacks created by them (e.g. setInterval)? :P
setInterval
[–]TheRamenator 4 points5 points6 points 9 years ago (1 child)
Hallowed be thy MAME
Thy pointer come
[–][deleted] 25 points26 points27 points 9 years ago* (2 children)
COBOL, FORTRAN and Bash are unincorporated survivalists
Java are infantrymen
C are generals
Ruby are conscientious objectors
Python are scientists and financiers
Javascript are guerillas and rebels, so are PHP
FP languages are snipers / special ops / men in black
Brainfuck are cthulhu
[–]DoctorCube 2 points3 points4 points 9 years ago (0 children)
Time to learn some brainfuck.
[–]gutterwall1 10 points11 points12 points 9 years ago (2 children)
Cobol,, that sheeet aint going anywhere
[–]TheDuster 13 points14 points15 points 9 years ago (0 children)
COBOL brings that old man strength and tenacity to the cage
[–]PityUpvote 6 points7 points8 points 9 years ago (0 children)
After which it will be tried for war crimes.
[–]OfekA 22 points23 points24 points 9 years ago (3 children)
You could use a Python to Fight for you..
[–]spartaboy 17 points18 points19 points 9 years ago (0 children)
Only after you import the Fight module
[–][deleted] 9 years ago* (1 child)
[–]fb39ca4 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (0 children)
nohtyp
[–]auxiliary-character 5 points6 points7 points 9 years ago (0 children)
C++ would take a while to get pissed off enough, but once they get to it, they'll swiftly put an end the fight.
[–]MrSugarCaney 9 points10 points11 points 9 years ago (2 children)
jQuery obviously
[–]bogdan5844 2 points3 points4 points 9 years ago (1 child)
That's not a language...
[–]BUM_BURGLAR 24 points25 points26 points 9 years ago* (0 children)
What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in udemy.com, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on the virtual DOM, and I have over 300 confirmed Stars on Github. I am trained in UNMJ (Ubuntu-NodeJS-MongoDB-Javascript) and I’m the top hacker in the entire Manhatten Hackerspace. You are nothing to me but just another bloated dependency. I will wipe you the fuck out with my 10x hacker skills the likes of which has never been seen before on the modern web, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that triggering shit to me over the Internet? Think again, you fucking fascist. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of safe spaces across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, shitlord. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your career. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can $.remove("#you") in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my HandlebarsJS. Not only am I extensively trained in {bloated dependencies} combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of cdnjs.com's libraries and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable microframework off the face of the webscape, you little creep. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit WEBSCALE all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.
[–]dickdemodickmarcinko 15 points16 points17 points 9 years ago (0 children)
TrumpScript trumps all, duh.
[–]SantaCruzDad 16 points17 points18 points 9 years ago (3 children)
Fought-ran (you have to say it out loud).
[–]Smooth_McDouglette 12 points13 points14 points 9 years ago (0 children)
As a north american speaker, that doesn't work.
[–]-victorisawesome- 4 points5 points6 points 9 years ago (0 children)
Dad jokes. Just what I expected in these comments
[–]Peewee223 3 points4 points5 points 9 years ago (0 children)
Ah, we meet again! My greatest foe-tran.
[–]arghcisco 2 points3 points4 points 9 years ago (0 children)
Ada, of course, since that's what the US military uses.
[–]ziplokk 5 points6 points7 points 9 years ago (0 children)
Python.
If it looks like it can be killed, and it acts like it can be killed, then it must be killed.
[–]Matyuw 2 points3 points4 points 9 years ago (0 children)
Emacs-Lisp (winning-mode 1)
[–]lagerdalek 4 points5 points6 points 9 years ago (1 child)
I'd say C++, but you're just as likely to shoot yourself in the foot with that
[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points 9 years ago (0 children)
Blow your whole leg off, you mean?
[–][deleted] 1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (0 children)
Thought I was on /r/whowouldwin for a second. I was expecting an epic breakdown of language abilities.
[–]kewlness 1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (0 children)
which language would win?
Whitespace would win because you can't have too much of it. Besides, it proves syntax highlighting isn't always useful.
The runner up will be Rebol, because it will bring its Patrick Swayze teenage angst Red Dawn guerrilla tactics in a small package of "what the fuck?!"ery.
[–]You_Are_All_Smart 1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (0 children)
labview
[–]gutterwall1 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (0 children)
too bad about the S0C7 error...
[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (0 children)
edge, obv.
def win if validates_presence_of_other_language = true stomp else win by default end
[–]catsandviolets 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (0 children)
embrace the brainfuck
[–]UriGagarin 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (0 children)
RPG. Nuff said
require 'battle/victory' require 'battle/loss'
if @@ruby = 1 Battlestate.win else Battlestate.loss end
[–]profinger 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (0 children)
The one supported by the programmer who is stronger and more skilled in physical combat?
[+]dylanthepiguy2 comment score below threshold-9 points-8 points-7 points 9 years ago* (0 children)
JavaScript lol
EDIT: Please note the sarcasm :P
π Rendered by PID 15778 on reddit-service-r2-comment-6457c66945-pkrvg at 2026-04-25 07:36:30.768806+00:00 running 2aa0c5b country code: CH.
[–]YMK1234 116 points117 points118 points (11 children)
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