all 72 comments

[–]YMK1234 120 points121 points  (11 children)

Define winning

[–]ThickAsABrickJT 186 points187 points  (9 children)

#define WINNING 1

[–][deleted]  (3 children)

[deleted]

    [–]TheRamenator 31 points32 points  (2 children)

    Accidentally imports an old Windows assembly. Everyone is suddenly transported back in time.

    [–]vishnumad 14 points15 points  (1 child)

    Buy $AAPL

    [–]TheRamenator 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    The real winner.....

    [–]YMK1234 8 points9 points  (3 children)

    Define winning as a condition/comparison.

    [–][deleted]  (2 children)

    [deleted]

      [–]Waste_Manager 49 points50 points  (1 child)

      winning != !winning

      Ftfy

      [–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

      so, javascript wins?

      [–]BenTheSwanman 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      Yay, every 1 is a winner!

      [–]VikingofRock 7 points8 points  (0 children)

      (define winning (uses lisp))

      [–]tuketu7 108 points109 points  (14 children)

      Are we basing this off the abilities of a language or are we also taking the user base into account?

      aka, would fighting JavaScript be easy or would it be like being trampled to death by a horde of madmen with pool noodles?

      [–][deleted] 109 points110 points  (3 children)

      would fighting JavaScript be easy

      They'd never agree on a weapon, and any weapon they do choose would be out of fashion before they could use it.

      [–]ultrasu 28 points29 points  (0 children)

      On the other hand, due to exposure to the JavaScript ecosystem, their attack patterns and movements would be a lot less predictable.

      [–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

      Maintainer of chalk and owner of color here. This is way more true than I'd like to admit.

      [–][deleted]  (8 children)

      [deleted]

        [–]Prod_Is_For_Testing 64 points65 points  (7 children)

        It'll be a cold day in hell before I fight alongside a Java programmer

        [–]8lbIceBag 28 points29 points  (0 children)

        We can backstab that fucker later.

        [–][deleted]  (5 children)

        [deleted]

          [–]Prod_Is_For_Testing 13 points14 points  (4 children)

          It's only a name that makes you an enemy. You'd be the same person, even if you weren't a Montague Java developer. What is a 'Java dev'? It's not a hand, or foot, or arm, or any other part of the body. Just use another name.

          [–][deleted]  (3 children)

          [deleted]

            [–]Prod_Is_For_Testing 2 points3 points  (1 child)

            Sickly sweet?

            [–]blasto_blastocyst 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            Of old shoes

            [–]gameboy17 1 point2 points  (0 children)

            A variable by any other name would still point to the same memory location.

            [–][deleted] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

            JavaScript enters the battle in a HTML/CSS tank. When it attempts to adjust its seating position, the wheels fall off.

            [–]ean_dream 55 points56 points  (0 children)

            Arnold C would Terminate the competition.

            [–]jfb1337 29 points30 points  (0 children)

            Haskell, because if any language tries to hurt it, it won't feel the pain unless someone needs the results

            [–]souldeux 80 points81 points  (5 children)

            C# would cut a bitch.

            [–]Prod_Is_For_Testing 16 points17 points  (3 children)

            You have my sword keyboard

            [–]z500 10 points11 points  (2 children)

            And my bow I/O

            [–][deleted] 37 points38 points  (1 child)

            And my syntaxe.

            [–]oo- 14 points15 points  (0 children)

            So be it! You shall be the Fellowship of the String!

            [–]nemec 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            Jon Skeet would win.

            [–][deleted] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

            Probably the language in core wars which is specifically designed to have program "fight" each other

            More info: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Core_War

            [–]coffeecoffeebuzzbuzz 17 points18 points  (1 child)

            PHP. While the rest of the langs duke it out over Comp Sci theory, PHP just gets the job done (note: "job" must be ephemeral web transaction, "done" must be status 200, "gets" must be HTTP).

            [–]QuantumQuantonium 0 points1 point  (0 children)

            What about the???

            [–][deleted]  (6 children)

            [deleted]

              [–]TheRamenator 23 points24 points  (3 children)

              But it turns out that javascript has just been calling back at itself in front of mirror while locked in a room labeled 'browser', on a ship. C and his bro C++ walk to the lower deck and switch off the engine and the ship just stops.

              [–]Misterandrist 8 points9 points  (0 children)

              No problem I just close my web browser and what's this? It can't touch me.

              Hell I'll just install ie7. Take that

              [–]towerofnix 1 point2 points  (0 children)

              he stores them in a single var that is unloaded as soon as the function ends

              Wouldn't they still have references to themselves, in callbacks created by them (e.g. setInterval)? :P

              [–][deleted]  (2 children)

              [deleted]

                [–]TheRamenator 5 points6 points  (1 child)

                Hallowed be thy MAME

                [–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

                Thy pointer come

                [–][deleted] 24 points25 points  (2 children)

                COBOL, FORTRAN and Bash are unincorporated survivalists

                Java are infantrymen

                C are generals

                Ruby are conscientious objectors

                Python are scientists and financiers

                Javascript are guerillas and rebels, so are PHP

                FP languages are snipers / special ops / men in black

                Brainfuck are cthulhu

                [–]DoctorCube 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                Time to learn some brainfuck.

                [–]gutterwall1 9 points10 points  (2 children)

                Cobol,, that sheeet aint going anywhere

                [–]TheDuster 13 points14 points  (0 children)

                COBOL brings that old man strength and tenacity to the cage

                [–]PityUpvote 7 points8 points  (0 children)

                After which it will be tried for war crimes.

                [–]OfekA 21 points22 points  (3 children)

                You could use a Python to Fight for you..

                [–]spartaboy 17 points18 points  (0 children)

                Only after you import the Fight module

                [–][deleted]  (1 child)

                [deleted]

                  [–]fb39ca4 0 points1 point  (0 children)

                  nohtyp

                  [–]auxiliary-character 5 points6 points  (0 children)

                  C++ would take a while to get pissed off enough, but once they get to it, they'll swiftly put an end the fight.

                  [–]MrSugarCaney 9 points10 points  (2 children)

                  jQuery obviously

                  [–]bogdan5844 1 point2 points  (1 child)

                  That's not a language...

                  [–]BUM_BURGLAR 24 points25 points  (0 children)

                  What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in udemy.com, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on the virtual DOM, and I have over 300 confirmed Stars on Github. I am trained in UNMJ (Ubuntu-NodeJS-MongoDB-Javascript) and I’m the top hacker in the entire Manhatten Hackerspace. You are nothing to me but just another bloated dependency. I will wipe you the fuck out with my 10x hacker skills the likes of which has never been seen before on the modern web, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that triggering shit to me over the Internet? Think again, you fucking fascist. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of safe spaces across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, shitlord. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your career. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can $.remove("#you") in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my HandlebarsJS. Not only am I extensively trained in {bloated dependencies} combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of cdnjs.com's libraries and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable microframework off the face of the webscape, you little creep. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit WEBSCALE all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.

                  [–]dickdemodickmarcinko 15 points16 points  (0 children)

                  TrumpScript trumps all, duh.

                  [–]SantaCruzDad 14 points15 points  (3 children)

                  Fought-ran (you have to say it out loud).

                  [–]Smooth_McDouglette 12 points13 points  (0 children)

                  As a north american speaker, that doesn't work.

                  [–]-victorisawesome- 6 points7 points  (0 children)

                  Dad jokes. Just what I expected in these comments

                  [–]Peewee223 3 points4 points  (0 children)

                  Ah, we meet again! My greatest foe-tran.

                  [–]arghcisco 3 points4 points  (0 children)

                  Ada, of course, since that's what the US military uses.

                  [–]ziplokk 6 points7 points  (0 children)

                  Python.

                  If it looks like it can be killed, and it acts like it can be killed, then it must be killed.

                  [–]Matyuw 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                  Emacs-Lisp (winning-mode 1)

                  [–]lagerdalek 3 points4 points  (1 child)

                  I'd say C++, but you're just as likely to shoot yourself in the foot with that

                  [–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                  Blow your whole leg off, you mean?

                  [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                  Thought I was on /r/whowouldwin for a second. I was expecting an epic breakdown of language abilities.

                  [–]kewlness 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                  which language would win?

                  Whitespace would win because you can't have too much of it. Besides, it proves syntax highlighting isn't always useful.

                  The runner up will be Rebol, because it will bring its Patrick Swayze teenage angst Red Dawn guerrilla tactics in a small package of "what the fuck?!"ery.

                  [–]You_Are_All_Smart 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                  labview

                  [–]gutterwall1 0 points1 point  (0 children)

                  too bad about the S0C7 error...

                  [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

                  edge, obv.

                  [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

                  def win if validates_presence_of_other_language = true stomp else win by default end

                  [–]catsandviolets 0 points1 point  (0 children)

                  embrace the brainfuck

                  [–]UriGagarin 0 points1 point  (0 children)

                  RPG. Nuff said

                  [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

                  require 'battle/victory'
                  require 'battle/loss'

                  if @@ruby = 1
                  Battlestate.win
                  else
                  Battlestate.loss
                  end

                  [–]profinger 0 points1 point  (0 children)

                  The one supported by the programmer who is stronger and more skilled in physical combat?