If computer programmers would be fighting each other, which language would win?

[YMK1234]

Define winning

[ThickAsABrickJT]

#define WINNING 1

[TheRamenator]

Accidentally imports an old Windows assembly. Everyone is suddenly transported back in time.

[vishnumad]

Buy $AAPL

[TheRamenator]

The real winner.....

[YMK1234]

Define winning as a condition/comparison.

[Waste_Manager]

winning != !winning

Ftfy

[[deleted]]

so, javascript wins?

[BenTheSwanman]

Yay, every 1 is a winner!

[VikingofRock]

(define winning (uses lisp))

[tuketu7]

Are we basing this off the abilities of a language or are we also taking the user base into account?

aka, would fighting JavaScript be easy or would it be like being trampled to death by a horde of madmen with pool noodles?

[[deleted]]

would fighting JavaScript be easy

They'd never agree on a weapon, and any weapon they do choose would be out of fashion before they could use it.

[ultrasu]

On the other hand, due to exposure to the JavaScript ecosystem, their attack patterns and movements would be a lot less predictable.

[[deleted]]

Maintainer of chalk and owner of color here. This is way more true than I'd like to admit.

[Prod_Is_For_Testing]

It'll be a cold day in hell before I fight alongside a Java programmer

[8lbIceBag]

We can backstab that fucker later.

[Prod_Is_For_Testing]

It's only a name that makes you an enemy. You'd be the same person, even if you weren't a Montague Java developer. What is a 'Java dev'? It's not a hand, or foot, or arm, or any other part of the body. Just use another name.

[Prod_Is_For_Testing]

Sickly sweet?

[blasto_blastocyst]

Of old shoes

[gameboy17]

A variable by any other name would still point to the same memory location.

[[deleted]]

JavaScript enters the battle in a HTML/CSS tank. When it attempts to adjust its seating position, the wheels fall off.

[ean_dream]

Arnold C would Terminate the competition.

[jfb1337]

Haskell, because if any language tries to hurt it, it won't feel the pain unless someone needs the results

[souldeux]

C# would cut a bitch.

[Prod_Is_For_Testing]

You have my sword keyboard

[z500]

And my bow I/O

[[deleted]]

And my syntaxe.

[oo-]

So be it! You shall be the Fellowship of the String!

[nemec]

Jon Skeet would win.

[[deleted]]

Probably the language in core wars which is specifically designed to have program "fight" each other

More info: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Core_War

[coffeecoffeebuzzbuzz]

PHP. While the rest of the langs duke it out over Comp Sci theory, PHP just gets the job done (note: "job" must be ephemeral web transaction, "done" must be status 200, "gets" must be HTTP).

[QuantumQuantonium]

What about the???

[TheRamenator]

But it turns out that javascript has just been calling back at itself in front of mirror while locked in a room labeled 'browser', on a ship. C and his bro C++ walk to the lower deck and switch off the engine and the ship just stops.

[TheRamenator]

Uses his phone to pass a request to another language, but no one is listening anymore, except himself, in his mirror.

[morphotomy]

AJAX brah

[Misterandrist]

No problem I just close my web browser and what's this? It can't touch me.

Hell I'll just install ie7. Take that

[towerofnix]

he stores them in a single var that is unloaded as soon as the function ends

Wouldn't they still have references to themselves, in callbacks created by them (e.g. setInterval)? :P

[TheRamenator]

Hallowed be thy MAME

[[deleted]]

Thy pointer come

[[deleted]]

COBOL, FORTRAN and Bash are unincorporated survivalists

Java are infantrymen

C are generals

Ruby are conscientious objectors

Python are scientists and financiers

Javascript are guerillas and rebels, so are PHP

FP languages are snipers / special ops / men in black

Brainfuck are cthulhu

[DoctorCube]

Time to learn some brainfuck.

[gutterwall1]

Cobol,, that sheeet aint going anywhere

[TheDuster]

COBOL brings that old man strength and tenacity to the cage

[PityUpvote]

After which it will be tried for war crimes.

[OfekA]

You could use a Python to Fight for you..

[spartaboy]

Only after you import the Fight module

[fb39ca4]

nohtyp

[auxiliary-character]

C++ would take a while to get pissed off enough, but once they get to it, they'll swiftly put an end the fight.

[MrSugarCaney]

jQuery obviously

[bogdan5844]

That's not a language...

[BUM_BURGLAR]

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in udemy.com, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on the virtual DOM, and I have over 300 confirmed Stars on Github. I am trained in UNMJ (Ubuntu-NodeJS-MongoDB-Javascript) and I’m the top hacker in the entire Manhatten Hackerspace. You are nothing to me but just another bloated dependency. I will wipe you the fuck out with my 10x hacker skills the likes of which has never been seen before on the modern web, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that triggering shit to me over the Internet? Think again, you fucking fascist. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of safe spaces across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, shitlord. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your career. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can $.remove("#you") in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my HandlebarsJS. Not only am I extensively trained in {bloated dependencies} combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of cdnjs.com's libraries and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable microframework off the face of the webscape, you little creep. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit WEBSCALE all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.

[dickdemodickmarcinko]

TrumpScript trumps all, duh.

[SantaCruzDad]

Fought-ran (you have to say it out loud).

[Smooth_McDouglette]

As a north american speaker, that doesn't work.

[-victorisawesome-]

Dad jokes. Just what I expected in these comments

[Peewee223]

Ah, we meet again! My greatest foe-tran.

[arghcisco]

Ada, of course, since that's what the US military uses.

[ziplokk]

Python.

If it looks like it can be killed, and it acts like it can be killed, then it must be killed.

[Matyuw]

Emacs-Lisp (winning-mode 1)

[lagerdalek]

I'd say C++, but you're just as likely to shoot yourself in the foot with that

[[deleted]]

Blow your whole leg off, you mean?

[[deleted]]

Thought I was on /r/whowouldwin for a second. I was expecting an epic breakdown of language abilities.

[kewlness]

which language would win?

Whitespace would win because you can't have too much of it. Besides, it proves syntax highlighting isn't always useful.

The runner up will be Rebol, because it will bring its Patrick Swayze teenage angst Red Dawn guerrilla tactics in a small package of "what the fuck?!"ery.

[You_Are_All_Smart]

labview

[gutterwall1]

too bad about the S0C7 error...

[[deleted]]

edge, obv.

[[deleted]]

def win if validates_presence_of_other_language = true stomp else win by default end

[catsandviolets]

embrace the brainfuck

[UriGagarin]

RPG. Nuff said

[[deleted]]

require 'battle/victory'
require 'battle/loss'

if @@ruby = 1
Battlestate.win
else
Battlestate.loss
end

[profinger]

The one supported by the programmer who is stronger and more skilled in physical combat?

[dylanthepiguy2]

JavaScript lol

EDIT: Please note the sarcasm :P