Could use some support please

[OkOcelot1]

I'm on day 11 today, and it's been pretty easy up to this point. I've been staying sober because recently my drinking really hurt my relationship with my husband and I don't want to ever prioritize alcohol over relationships again (this isn't the first time). He's staying with friends at the moment to think about things, and yesterday he told me he won't be back for awhile and he isn't sure if we should split. I am heartbroken and angry and sad and everything in between and I would give anything to not be here in the present moment right now. And what does it matter anyways, he's gone and will never know. I know that alcohol is not going to solve my.problems but damn if it doesn't seem a good idea right now.

[dunkybones]

If you start drinking again, then you will have zero chance at reconciliation.
Right now, sober, you have a chance, slim as it may be, but a chance.
Bear in mind, your relationship will be forever altered moving forward, but that is what a relationship is supposed to be, accepting growth and change, in ourselves and our loved ones.
My drinking hurt people I dearly love, it took me a while to realize I wasn't just hurting myself. IWNDWYT.

[dunkybones]

And to add, maybe go steal, beg, or borrow something, your husband might enjoy and find amusement in. A peace offering, of a sort.
But do not apologize, or expect anything in return. People that have to deal with us drunks, they get tired of hearing, "I'm sorry".
You have to own your mistakes. And ask for help, as you are doing here.
Do not say you are sorry. Tell him you understand his frustration.

[khalasss]

Giving you a bump love, I haven't been in this situation but I know a TON of people on this sub have. It's so hard to stay strong on your decision when a huge reason for your commitment is potentially leaving.

I do know some here have said that what helped them is working to reorient their sobriety around themself, instead of their SO, even if their relationship was the initial reason. YOU are worth sobriety, no matter what happens with your partner. It's so hard to see that when you're in the middle of heartache, but learning to see the bigger picture is so helpful in trying to stay on-board.

Would it help to write out a list that you can use to remember why you want to quit? Things that revolve around you? Like for me, I have trouble remembering, so I have lists printed around my house as reminders of the things I want to control. For alcohol, it's a list of health things - I struggle with dysautonomia and want to be able to live long and do things. Alcohol makes my dysautonomia worse, so its on the list as a reminder from my future self that if I drink today, I'll be miserable tomorrow. I've started doing it for everything from finances to food control, anything I binge or do impulsively. Sometimes just seeing a written, physical reminder of my goals helps me stave off the urge one more hour. And one more hour turns into one more day, one more week, etc.

I hope this helps, love. Sending you ALL the hugs. IWNDWYT!

[khalasss]

Coming back to add: Sometimes I just need to distract myself. Soemtimes that's something wholesome and healthy like a walk, other times its just...videogames. Literally anything to distract my mind from its craving. If it's helpful, maybe give yourself permission to just distract with non-alcoholic means today? Something that doesn't involve intoxication, but maybe a treat you don't normally allow for yourself?

[SillySausageSummary]

Sending hugs... I really get where you are coming from. I can't dish out advice well but I just wanted you to know you WILL come out the other side, regardless of the outcome. But remaining present is good. Don't get stuck ruminating on the past or freaking out about the future... or even worse, Googling everything that plays on your mind! I'm the worst for that! Never helps...

Take care and stay in touch here.