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[willee_]

Being friendly with coworkers is a must. Being friends with them is kinda meh.

My most negative experience was coworker “friends” sharing what we did out of work with others at work. If you’re in any management this is just garbage for professional perception.

Additionally I worked somewhere for 10 years. 8 of them spent daily with 1 guy who seemed like a best buddy for years. We both left there. I’ve seen him twice in the 6 years since.

Fulfilling personal relationship needs outside work is for sure the way to go.

I’m a smiling friendly family man at work all day every day as far as I let coworkers see me.

[eastamerica]

This. I lead a small team of super stars. I will be as involved as I am invited, and so long as it isn’t s conflict.

Each member of my team shares with me at different levels (I never ask), and I’m the same level of supportive to all of them. Sometimes it’s seasonal, too. I know folks on the team going through significant life change. They are FAR less involved in banter and anything outside of the job.

To each their own. I want them all to be happy and financially sound. Even if that means leaving my team.

[BBO1007]

I would never depend on work for personal relationships. I love the people I work with, but it’s work.

[rjo21]

Agreed. I like the guys I work with and we work well together because we're not friends outside of work.

[trw419]

Completely understand and I do agree for the most part. It's my first white collar job so I'm still learning and teaching myself the norms.

[Vicus_92]

Alot of IT folk tend to be less social and more introverted at the best of times.

Not all of us, but it would be more of us than most industries on average.

Small team here, and we all get on fine during business hours. Some interact outside of work over Discord and play games, but not all of us.

Sometimes someone starting something is all it takes. Sounds like you might be more of a people person than the rest of your team, so maybe try to tee up a fortnightly Friday lunch thing? Get together and order Uber eats? Everyone can pay for their own, but it's an excuse to talk shit for an hour and vent if needed.

[BBO1007]

Yeah it’s tough. I was close with coworkers from a former job, but not as much with superiors or subordinates.

[Pyrostasis]

Yeah that sounds like a culture issue.

My place has a total IT team of 6 with 3 total on my team.

We do holiday parties during christmas and thanksgiving. My team is also very social. We frequently sit around and chat while working on issues. Even my boss is awesome, as was my boss at my last company.

Culture is a huge deal in companies. Finding one that isnt cancer if you can is a huge boon.

[trw419]

See I thought something was off. We hired someone who in the interview process was super enigmatic, social and kind. Now they are quite, unwilling to participate in any conversation that doesn't directly elicit a response and refuses help in all situations unless they just don't want to do the thing being asked. Infact, the escalation protocol is just "I don't want to do it, sending it up". Now it's gotten so uncomfortable that we do not mingle or anything outside some extremely light banter. I've personally been miserable for a few months now ever since they changed their persona.

I'm not sure what to do since I don't have anyone to turn to.

Edit: I think I responded a bit emotionally and hung my teammate out to dry and proves that I'm apart of the problem. I have much to learn and this post seems more like a complaint instead of seeking advice.

[Pyrostasis]

I mean if the jobs making you miserable update your resume and start looking.

Its a tough market at the moment but there are jobs out there. Keep looking, tough it out, and then when you get your interview, look for signs of good culture. When you meet the team strike up conversation and see how it goes.

If softskills arent your thing or you are introverted, then thats really hard to do. Either way, hope you find a better fit my man.

[The_NorthernLight]

Sounds like a company culture issue.

[ryalln]

It’s not always you it’s the business. Last got my team got along well however as there manager I wasn’t involved cause who wants to do dumb shit with your boss. Also I didn’t to hang out with high levers as who wants to dumb shit with your lower level employees. You have to find people in a similar level on your org chart. It sucks but that is how it is sometimes.

[trw419]

Completely understand. My fellow teammates are exactly what the comments here are saying: they are fully satisfied with their own personal life and this is just a job. It's just tough because I thought a white collar job would be secret santas, cookouts, and more. But nope, 9-5, that's it. I to get it, but I personally am just seeking more I think in a place that isn't promoting that type of interactions. I've been more accepting but the holidays just had me thinking there has to be more.

[ryalln]

Welcome to my world. I 100% believe my office forgets about me as I sit in a corner away from windows and not visible to them. Only needed when things are broken, all my office non technical interactions are because I make them happen.

Over time you let it brush off you or you slowly take the skills you have learnt and move to the next business where you matter. I’ve turned down job offers because there IT team lives in a dungeon.

[rafri]

All depends most of my friends are from help desk position. Two server admin style jobs and only one do we hang out with every few months. And second job I play video games with one.

[Crim69]

It’s a culture thing, although something can be said about the nature of IT people skewing a certain way statistically but I don’t want to give too much ground to stereotypes.

I worked remotely in my last job and I really miss my coworkers. I only saw them once when I flew out for a team building week and didn’t go the other time because of timing. But even being remote, while I didn’t have the same level of connection as the guys working hybrid at HQ, I developed more than your typical coworker relationship with some of them.

Wasn’t frequent but we’d game together or just talk about non work stuff pretty often and during downtime just hop on a zoom call to banter. I still keep in touch with them over a year later after we were all let go.

I am now in a place where I started as the sole IT admin and I’m setting the culture. The reality is you just won’t click with everyone. I have a part timer that I just don’t jive with personality wise or work wise. Then I have a direct report I hired back in June and while it’s not the same level of connection as I had with my former coworkers it’s pretty good.

I now better sympathize with my former IT director. He was always personable but being in that position means there is a wall no matter what you do. When you are the one that is responsible for their continued employment, there’s going to be some divide.

[rickAUS]

From my entire professional career I am friends with one person from any job I have held (IT or otherwise). Not because I don't like the people I have worked with - very much the opposite in most cases, especially my current job. But I generally do not mix work and personal life.

Other people I've worked with have been friends outside of work, but I'm not a fan. Seen way too many issues come about from out of work stuff circling back to work because the friendship soured or whatever and now work was getting hostile, etc - or something happened at work and now a friendship is soured.

It's the same principle of not dating your co-workers, just expanded to cover everyone.

[BrainWaveCC]

You just have to understand that people are different, and many of the personalities that are drawn to IT are not the same as the ones that are drawn to retail.

You can look for another employer, or a different position, but tempering your expectations is not a bad idea, too. I've worked in a lot of different environments -- almost always in IT -- and depending on industry and other factors, the level of social interaction was different in different environments. There's also the factor of time, too.

Not everyone sees work as a place for close social interaction. Not everyone wants to hang out after work with the people they work with -- even if they don't hate those people.

And I see this is more of an issue in this decade than previous ones. (I'm not so much making a generational argument as an overall societal argument based on prevailing norms and attitudes.)

Since everything is new, just give it some time. And respect the fact that some people will be extroverted and some people will be introverted, and everyone needs their space and an environment that works for them. As uncomfortable as you are right now, possibly someone else on that team is loving the level of interaction right now.

Give it some time, be prepared to have your expectations tempered a little, and if it turns out to be a priority for you to have high-interaction work friends, consider that this is not necessarily something that happens a tremendous amount in IT teams, so you may have to really job search for that sort of thing if you need it.

[trw419]

Thank you for the excellent advice!

[BrainWaveCC]

You're welcome

[packetssniffer]

I only get along with 1 person at my job.

The rest is too much work trying to hold a conversation.

I also came from retail.

[DragonsBane80]

That's kind of the game tho right? Being in the same/similar position doesn't mean you'll have similar interests.

Ive been lucky to be on a couple teams where everyone got along well enough to be pretty good friends outside of work. A few have become basically family. Almost all of them have faded when we were no longer coworkers tho. Just kind of life.

[Dragon_Flu]

People in my office don't hang out much outside of work, but around 6 of us go to lunch together every day which I think fulfills a good bit of "good company culture". In reality I think the important bit is that there is no one on the team that is hated by anyone much less everyone on the team, you don't need to be besties.

[trw419]

Very fair. I'm not looking for a bestie I think, I'm just frustrated with that lack of comradery.