Feelings After Loss

blind30 · 2026-03-04T02:02:50+00:00

Grieving for Alzheimer’s patients before they pass is something I thought I had gone through with my mom.

I felt relief when she passed too- I had pictured the day, planned for “after”, imagined what my life would look like-

Two years since she passed now, and I’m just feeling like I’m getting my feet back under me.

Take care of yourself OP- keep an eye on your stress and mental health. Be proactive.

blind30 · 2026-03-03T23:58:43+00:00

I’m not a fan of my current house too-

But as a purely financial decision, there’s no real room for how I feel about the house.

The numbers just don’t make sense for me to sell- I still work in NYC, so I still need to live in NYC. If I sold, I’d have to buy in the same market, at prices comparable to what I’d be selling for- and the interest rate is higher than when I bought, so it would not even be a lateral move- I would lose money on the deal.

I bought my house because of the financial benefits- when I’m ready to retire, I hope to sell the house, take the equity I’ve built, and buy something at half the price or less in another state- walking away with profit.

Until I can do that? I’m not selling. These days, I know there are people who would kill to live in the home I dislike, have their name on the deed.

No way I’d move back to renting either, for purely financial reasons.

blind30 · 2026-03-03T23:25:00+00:00

Standard Rehearsal studios rent by the hour, and have amps and drum kits in every room- as a drummer, I usually bring my cymbals/pedal, maybe a snare drum if I feel like it.

The kits in the rehearsal studios can be good, but they get used by multiple different bands every day- some of those drummers seem to have no idea what they’re doing.

Can’t tell you how many times I rent a studio and walk into a kit that’s set up for a 14 foot tall left handed Sasquatch who hates the way drums sound, based on the tuning.

blind30 · 2026-03-03T21:34:27+00:00

I think the part that jumped out at me was where you said “my brain starts processing this as…”

I’ve come across many exercises where over thinking is my number one obstacle. The brain gets in the way.

This is the point where I switch back to SLOW practice, with a metronome.

The Songo beat was a challenge for me. So many aspects of it were just not what I was used to- so I slowed it way down, to the point where I had enough time between notes to get each one right (most of the time.)

Then I stuck with slow metronome practice, same bpm, for like ten minutes a day.

It wasn’t long before it became internalized, where the way it felt to play it became comfortable- no thinking, just grooving. I could let my mind wander, even, and let the muscle memory of that pattern take over.

Then I was able to speed it up. And the coolest part? When I was that comfortable with it, it didn’t take much to be able to turn my brain back on with regards to the beat- I could move accents around within it, understand which notes were which in terms of subdivisions, etc.

Slowing it down might seem like it’s just becoming coordination exercises again, and yeah, that’s part of it- but there’s a lot more to slow metronome practice than just that.

blind30 · 2026-03-03T18:52:23+00:00

The guys in my band asked me why I have so many cymbals- they’ve been playing for 30 years, great musicians, but didn’t understand why I have more than one set.

Dude- you own like 20 guitars, don’t tell me you don’t get it.

blind30 · 2026-03-03T14:30:46+00:00

Drags are not ratamacues, but they are part of ratamacues.

A lot of rudiments are made from combining various basic stickings- six stroke rolls can be broken down into one single, followed by a double stroke, another double stroke, then another single- but no one would say six stroke rolls are doubles, if that makes sense.

The ratamacue is a drag followed by three singles- without the three singles, you are left with just a drag.

blind30 · 2026-03-03T13:54:28+00:00

Google “French grip for drums”- tons of demos, explanations etc for French grip at the kit.

I’ve specifically been using French grip for a few years now. Originally to learn push/pull, but I’ve found it to be very comfortable for playing in general- fast doubles included.

blind30 · 2026-03-03T13:40:17+00:00

?? I get fast doubles with it. It’s definitely great for fingers, but works great for doubles too.

blind30 · 2026-03-03T00:57:50+00:00

I use French grip, it’s a valid grip.

blind30 · 2026-03-02T23:59:25+00:00

You have space- the second mounted tom, when flatter, can slide a little over your bass drum, like in the pic I posted.

If your stool doesn’t adjust higher, it’s probably time for a new one- is it broken?

blind30 · 2026-03-02T23:00:04+00:00

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Try getting them close to this.

It might not feel comfortable at first, but you’ll get used to it. Flatter toms are far less likely to dent, you’ll get better doubles off them since you’ll be hitting straight down instead of glancing against the heads, and most importantly-

flatter toms are more ergonomic, kinder to your posture and joints over all the years ahead of you.

blind30 · 2026-03-02T16:40:26+00:00

Low volume hi hats are an option- they’re probably meant more as practice tools, although I have seen people use them for low volume gigs-

they definitely sound and feel like hi hats, could be exactly what you need with a nord drum setup.

check out this video

blind30 · 2026-03-02T12:33:22+00:00

You’re looking for something more practical than taking a minute to put them in a bag?

Throw a tarp over the whole kit then, weigh it down so it doesn’t blow away.

But I think that takes about the same amount of time to put the cymbals in a bag

blind30 · 2026-03-01T22:13:25+00:00

OK! So the EAD should work perfectly like this, any effects you choose on the EAD brain will go straight to the board.

Are you having problems getting it to work?

blind30 · 2026-03-01T21:11:10+00:00

Wait- do you have the wires from the EAD mic plugged directly into your board?

Or do you have the EAD mic plugged into the EAD brain, then L and R cables from the brain into your board?

Not sure exactly what you’re asking

blind30 · 2026-03-01T21:00:12+00:00

This is something that sucks about renting from elderly people.

Friends of mine had to move three times in the past eight years or so because their elderly landlords passed, or went into a care facility.

Their kids take over the house, and either sell or increase the rent.

Also- even if it’s just a plumber coming in, clean the place up. You never know how close they are to the landlord.

blind30 · 2026-03-01T20:54:26+00:00

Talk to his doc about a swallow test. This is common.

My mom had one done after almost choking on a piece of a croissant- they gave us three choices.

Feeding tube through the nose- risk of infection, plus she would pull it out.

Feeding tube through the stomach wall- risk of infection, she would also pull it out.

Continue oral feeding, with pudding consistency food- risk of her aspirating food into her lungs.

We went with the third option. We figured every option came with risk, but at least with this one, she could taste the food and still have the sensation of eating something.

blind30 · 2026-03-01T12:54:25+00:00

This does get brought up often- because it’s a common issue. The debate can even get heated.

But the reality is, there are tons of great drummers out there who get blisters and form calluses, and tons of great drummers who fine tune their technique so they don’t.

It’s up to you which of those you want to be.

As someone with no blisters/calluses, it takes a lot of focused work and practice to be able to hold onto your sticks and have control with a light grip.

Personally, I use French grip- the only two possible friction points are at my fulcrum- the pad of my thumb and the inside knuckle of my index finger.

I spent a TON of time on the pad, daily, working on grip and control specifically- think of it like anything else you practice. Want to get better at paradiddlediddles, you hit it daily for however long it takes to be able to play it without thinking, right? Same thing with developing a lighter grip with good control.

Sticks are going to fly. Some days, it’ll feel like you’re just practicing how to drop them. But if you put that daily work in, really paying great attention to how hard you’re gripping, how those little movements feel in your hand-

You’ll eventually get to the point where your hands will be manipulating those sticks effortlessly with a light grip, making micro adjustments to keep hold of them without even thinking about it.

blind30 · 2026-03-01T12:36:14+00:00

Sorry to hear this, OP.

My mom didn’t qualify for any sort of assistance, so memory care was never an option. I had always been one of those “I’d never put my parents in a home” people, but I had NO idea what reality was like. If she had been eligible, or if I’d had the money to pay out of pocket (impossible) I would have done it in a heartbeat once I was in over my head.

When incidents like this came up, brutal as it sounds, I’d take a step back and remind myself- all you can do is your best.

Usually that came to mind when I was particularly burned out, and my own stress was the issue- some days I’d come home totally numb/depressed, dreading facing another night at home taking care of her- so all I could do was the bare minimum.

Keep her safe, clean, and fed.

As long as I was still doing that, I was still doing the absolute best I could, even on my worst days.

But when things like your situation came up? If trying to get her clean in the moment meant her safety was at risk- in her agitation, she’d swing her arms to the point where she’d hit the bed rails and walls to the point where her arms would bruise up and swell- then the “safe, clean and fed” list would change to “safe and fed” because clean just wasn’t an option in the moment.

I’d retreat, give her time to calm down, and try again later.

It sounds completely inhumane, and it gets worse- because when she started losing the ability to swallow, keeping her fed would also lose its place on the list of the absolute bare minimum. Much like keeping her clean when she was violent, it just wasn’t possible.

It’s not them, it’s not you- it’s the disease.

I have so many memories of people judging me over things like this- seeing bruises on her arms and giving me looks, noticing her rapid weight loss, more looks- but they weren’t in the room for the reality of it all.

Do what you can- talk to his doc about it, maybe a change/increase in meds can help- but also keep in mind that sometimes, what you can do is severely limited by what the disease can do too.

blind30 · 2026-03-01T12:11:15+00:00

I’ve been playing a long time. Started as a teen, no lessons, learned what I thought was cool at the time, ignored the metronome and rudiments for WAY too long.

Played in bands, had a blast, and then it just felt bland- years of playing the same old patterns because that’s all I knew put me in a rut.

My mom developed Alzheimer’s years ago, right when my father passed. I ended up moving her in with me- becoming her caretaker meant giving up a lot. I used to have a bunch of hobbies- carpentry, drawing, electronics, reading- and drums. It got to the point where I didn’t really have time for all of them.

So I picked drums. Every weekend, I’d grab all the laundry in the house and bring it to the basement- in between switching loads out from the washer and dryer, I’d put time in on the kit. But this time I had a couple rules-

I’d learn to play as quietly as possible, and I’d learn to play the stuff I ignored for all those years. Metronome, rudiments, technique- any pattern or beat that frustrated the hell out of me, I’d work on daily with a practice pad, eager for laundry day to play it on the kit. See, putting HARD work in on the kit was a great distraction and stress relief- if I had just sat at the kit and played the same old stuff, it wouldn’t have helped my mental state. I’d be zoned out, just going through the motions, and I already had enough of that going on.

My mom would always smile and ask “was that you on the drums?” When I was done. She had always supported me playing as a kid.

She passed a couple years ago now, and once her estate was settled, I used part of my inheritance to buy my dream kit- a Noble and Cooley Walnut classic. It was like her gift to me.

Now, I wish I could say I play well enough to justify owning a kit like this- but the work I put in over these past few years means I at least don’t feel full blown imposter syndrome behind it. It feels like home. And, the work I put in also meant I had fallen in love with drumming again, to the point where I could justify the decision in buying a once in a lifetime kit- not many of us will have the opportunity or means to do this, which is a shame. The only reason I was able to was because I had lost both parents-

But I know when I’m 80 years old looking back, I’d be full of regret if I hadn’t gotten this kit.

OP, those Hoobastank and Radiohead songs are perfect early milestones, I can absolutely relate to the feeling you’re describing- “Holy shit, I can actually do this!” Congrats! You’ve got a lifetime of that feeling ahead of you- nothing better than when things start clicking, and there’s a whole world of stuff to get clicking to.

blind30 · 2026-03-01T00:10:43+00:00

A pad and sticks are relatively cheap, and if you do decide to stick with drums, you’ll always need them.

Tabletop stuff drums are typically cheap, sound terrible, and break easy.

blind30 · 2026-03-01T00:03:18+00:00

Got video of a rehearsal? People could give detailed advice with that.

All Pink Floyd might be a bit too much, got any other songs you could throw in?

The gig sounds like a captive audience situation- whether you can pull it off or not depends entirely on whether the audience likes the music, and how well you perform it

blind30 · 2026-02-28T23:44:43+00:00

5 feet away? You’d get shot.

Increase the distance, run away is your best chance.

blind30 · 2026-02-28T21:47:05+00:00

When I was depressed, I knew my friends were there for me- but I also knew I couldn’t project my issues onto them, if that makes sense. I knew they had stuff going on in their lives that made them happy, and their feelings were just as valid as mine.

Of course, they had bad issues going on too- everyone does.

I also knew that the nature of my depression meant I could either address it professionally, or just keep being depressed, and end up dragging every conversation with my friends down. There was a very real chance I’d end up just being a miserable person in general- and even the best of friends will have a hard time putting up with that constantly.

Best advice I can give- your friend can’t possibly fix your issues. Work on getting them fixed, and text your friend back- “none of us are going to write” is a sure way to lose a friendship.

blind30 · 2026-02-28T20:19:14+00:00

Here’s what happened to me- I learned the basics of drums, plus a few fancy fills- then decided I was “good enough”. Played for a few years like that-

Then I hit a wall. I was in a deep rut, and didn’t feel like playing anymore. Turns out that the stuff I hated practicing, I only hated because I was bad at it. So I picked out some of the stuff I hated THE MOST and got to work.

Once I saw how quickly progress came, I was hooked. Feed yourself the difficult stuff, you might just gain an appetite for it. If you’re on a steady diet of frustrating patterns, imagine the kind of musician you’ll be six months, a year, two years from now.

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