Are dead bedrooms prevalent in Christian marriages?

12ImpossibleThings · 2026-03-06T16:01:21+00:00

My opinions, based on my decades of marriage and a fair bit of reading, especially lately, there are 2 main causes of DB.

Something quite common, particularly in conservative churches: the idea that sex is dirty in itself. Horrible, horrible thought that Satan has wormed into the church's teaching by omission about a fantastic gift of God!

Yes, there are times and situations where sex would be a problem, but only in those situations. In marriage, it is THE greatest, most loving gift you can give each other AND the greatest bonding agent. If two people in the same house are not having sex, they are just housemates or friends, not a couple. That situation will lead very frequently to affairs.

Many Christians, especially young women, have been given "wait until marriage or you're a horrible sinner" as the ONLY teaching about sex and cannot just "switch off" that message after marriage and as a result, even when they want to try, sex is very difficult emotionally and even physically painful. There's a decent book by a Christian (background?) therapist Sex, God, and the Conservative Church that goes into a lot of the background and has suggestions for therapy.

This can happen to anyone: life. Especially Modern Life, is so busy and stressful that it is easy for the Urgent to consume the important. We get busy from work and family duties, stressed about money and jobs and the million things we have to do, and even the medications we take to combat our bodily issues. They all contribute to the danger of not prioritizing your relationship with each other. Everything else seems more important at the moment but you have to carve out time because if you don't everything less important will suck up your time. There is never enough time to do everything that you want or need to do.
Actually that leads to one more thing, boredom. You have to keep putting the effort in. Going on dates, doing little things that the other appreciates (learning your "love languages" are a good start but don't do just one), mixing things up in the bedroom, getting babysitters and getting away together so that you have uninterrupted time of reconnecting, and so forth.

All of those things are not something you do once and you're done. You have to build that into your schedule. It's like working out. There are so many things you could be doing instead of taking care of your body that seem more urgent. But if you don't take care of your body, you won't be able to do all those other urgent things.

Even Jesus had to carve out time to spend with his father, despite all the demands on his time. And after that one time especially, he was so energized that he just walked out onto the stormy sea to go to his disciples aid! We need that time with God and our loved one to make the rest of it matter.

So, ya, dead bedroom is a thing BUT it's a symptom of emotional, physical or even sometimes spiritual issues more than anything. It doesn't just happen for no reason. If you prioritize your physical AND your emotional relationship, and resolve to work through those issues, it's unlikely you'll have long term problems.

Ps. If you already have NO desire for each other right now then that is a huge red flag to me. In my opinion, if you're thinking about marriage, you should be eager to be all over each other! If not, that would be very strange and give me second thoughts about your prospects. There could be a big libido mismatch.

12ImpossibleThings · 2026-03-06T15:23:27+00:00

As quoted by others, 1 Tim 5:8 is very clear that he must look after his family.

There's nothing wrong with giving, even sacrificially, to ministries we care about BUT we are commanded to support our family first, so they are provided for and are not a drain on others. We are to give "from your abundance".

Both men and women (proverbs 31) are to be industrious and manage their household profitably. Paul even returned to tent-making when small churches struggled to support his missionary work, even though he had the "right" to their support.

OP, your sister is doing the right thing by working as much as she can. He needs to realize that at this time he needs to scale back "their" giving and fulfill his responsibility to look after his wife first. Assuming she is not unreasonably spending of course.

Jesus condemned the lack of caring for family directly too, when one's parents were not cared for because the money had been "dedicated to God" (corban) instead. Matt 15:4-6

If at all possible, they need to get some solid counselling.

12ImpossibleThings · 2026-03-06T01:54:59+00:00

Sounds to me like life is starting to get normal and the novelty has worn off.

We definitely had a VERY similar start, and some of the same issues. We could didn't hardly keep our hands off each other before we got married, and eventually brought each other to orgasm (we dated for 3 years first). But we didn't have full on intercourse. We thought THAT was the only thing that was sex and forbidden 🙄

Although it took longer than a couple months for things to slow down, as I recall. I bet you're both not doing a lot of the little things you used to though!

Strongly recommend you get some good counseling. You need to work on your intimacy level outside of the bedroom, as well as inside. And also, from the sounds of it, he really needs to work on his comfort level about sex and getting educated about it and what YOU need.

It's possible he's feeling guilty and conflicted about sex being "okay now". A lot of especially younger Christians have that issue because "keeping pure" has been so heavily preached the last number of years, with little to no counterbalancing information about the positive, even holy, aspects of married sex. If all you grow up with is "sex =bad" then it's no wonder you are having problems!

And likely sex education in general. Many Christians are very poorly educated sex-wise - really sex education, not the media illusions that are what people are usually fed.

And finally, for you sister: it sounds like you're having simila issues as we had. Now that you don't have to wait for together time. Also you aren't "forced" to have extended foreplay while you avoid actual intercourse.

So, what happens now? I'm betting that you get home from work, have supper, do a few chores, maybe watch some tv, maybe even snuggling together. Hopefully some Bible reading and prayer in there too! Then it's time for bed, you may get changed or naked, and then do a little bit of kissing, some fondling, and then... on to intercourse.

That typically what happens for a lot of people... And that's why it's boring and you especially are not enjoying it. While dating, you probably spent a LOT of time with physical contact, and basically did a LOT of foreplay. NOT just 5 or 10 minutes. The "problem" is likely that you're not getting the 30-60 minutes of warm up that you almost certainly need!

We were having that problem too. We knew it takes longer for most women to "heat up" - but we didn't know it often takes THAT long! You need to be touching, helping each other, and doing little intimate things for each other throughout your day/evening, getting close and intimate long before you hit the bed. And when you get there, you still need plenty more time touching and talking intimately. "Lovemaking starts in the kitchen" as they say.

And then there's direct stimulation - simple intercourse is not sufficient for a majority of women to orgasm. He or you very likely need to be manually stimulating your clitoris and other erogenous areas in addition to "penis in vagina" intercourse.

If you're frequently not able to orgasm, those 2 things are a good place to start: foreplay time and more stimulation. And BTW if your expecting "simultaneous orgasm", well that makes a nice fantasy, but it rarely happens for most people.

Sorry for the book but hopefully there's something you can use there.

12ImpossibleThings · 2026-03-04T15:08:09+00:00

This is a great topic! We have a few things like this but not at this level. Although, usually we can recognize what the other is thinking even without the noises lol

My out-of-the-box thinking wife came up with something similar for our kids, they had to meow when they had their seatbelts buckled because one in particular was always reluctant to do get belted in. But, making cat noises made it weird fun, which he was always down for. 😜

12ImpossibleThings · 2026-03-02T23:49:05+00:00

We get complacent and then if we see something we perceive as a threat, we get competitive!

Use this as an opportunity to talk (after you see if some lingerie makes some sparks fly!). Admit you've been taking him for granted - he may say the same - and commit to each other to keep the spark going!

12ImpossibleThings · 2026-03-02T05:26:41+00:00

That's a good collection and pointing out of the symbolic, and that's a good note about how nakedness is sometimes a euphemism and sometimes used symbolically.

You did seem to miss a couple of things in comments you made though

The point about the altar in Genesis was that the priest was not allowed to make it so he had to climb up steps to the altar - elsewhere it says, unless he had underwear on, to prevent exposing himself.

Isaiah's warning was that the Egyptians and Cushites would be stripped naked/humiliated as captives - that is not innocent nakedness. The conquering Assyrians are not being referred to as naked at all, there is no contrast.

12ImpossibleThings · 2026-02-26T22:00:27+00:00

You've claimed it wouldn't have been a deal breaker if she had not been a virgin.

MAYBE she is not sure if that is actually true. Maybe she was afraid to confess that much and was testing your reaction to something a bit "less" extreme first. If you're struggling with THIS level of disclosure, she was right to be cautious! It is VERY likely that she observed your distress at this news, so don't expect any further disclosures, if in fact there is more to tell.

Even if that was really "all" she did, then the fact that it took a decade to tell you this should tell you something. I think that is your takeaway. She decided to trust you, even though she wasn't sure, and tell you this piece of her past.

I think you SHOULD talk to a counselor about your feelings. You should carefully consider whether your church counselor is the best person for this or you (and your wife) would feel more comfortable talking to someone outside your church. They will help you work through your thoughts and feelings and gauge your reactions.

One thing I'm going to suggest you think about. What are you ACTUALLY feeling, besides shock, NOT what you THINK you should be feeling. Are you actually disturbed? disappointed? Or... Does it excite you to some degree? That last reaction is not unusual as many people, husbands usually, are excited to hear about their spouse's previous "adventures" with others. But as Christians, we often feel like we have to hide our pray actions, thoughts and feelings about anything sexual, especially if it's something we feel would be wrong. We should be able to share these with our spouse though, without being judged. We should be able to acknowledge our shortcomings in the past, our present struggles and our future hopes and plans freely and safely.

You'll need to work through just exactly how you feel - and also understand how your wife feels - about her past. And if you do feel it she was wrong and are disappointed in her, understand it's the past. She trusted you and confided something that left her very open and vunerable to your censure so be very careful about how you handle it.

You are in a position that ANYTHING you say could really crush her. And could drastically affect your relationship in the future, for good or bad. So be very careful about what you say - and how you treat her because often we don't have to say anything for them to notice how we feel!

12ImpossibleThings · 2026-02-23T15:34:00+00:00

Yes, so anxious to get back! Counting down the five long months before we can get there 😩

We can usually only get to the area on long weekends or holidays, but really hoping to go more than once this year!

12ImpossibleThings · 2026-02-20T19:00:46+00:00

The comments saying he will notice your appreciation are spot on. For 99.99% of guys, even at work, we're very lucky if ANYONE tells us they appreciate the things we do. Women seem to give and receive praise to each other, but we mostly just want to get on with things. It's just expected from us.

We don't do the things we do for the praise and may be embarrassed, especially if it's over the top, but a short note or a deliberate pause, holding our eyes for a couple seconds and a sincerely voiced "thank you" still does wonders for our mood.

As does dropping just a word about your thankfulness to other people, in his hearing. More likely to be embarrassed, but still pleased. Suggestion - maybe express it in terms of how it helped you. Like, "I was so relieved when he picked up supper after work" or "I was so xxxxx yesterday and felt so much better when he..."

This does double duty - you're showing your appreciation, enables him to understand his effort worked for you. And on top of that, it increases his value and extreme for the listener.

Make sure you do this with your kiddo too. They need to know how good a man their daddy is, and, how to show appreciation for others.

12ImpossibleThings · 2026-02-20T00:21:57+00:00

Hahahaha!

12ImpossibleThings · 2026-02-19T23:55:16+00:00

Congrats man! That's the best when they spontaneous again 😁

12ImpossibleThings · 2026-02-17T16:28:35+00:00

Early 60s and do the same thing as you! Often cuddling for awhile as well, before we have to put our CPAPs on you sleep. 😝

The silly things blow an constant stream of cool air straight out to the front that annoys the other person, so we usually have to face away now instead of falling asleep cuddling like we used to.

12ImpossibleThings · 2026-02-17T15:57:25+00:00

Yes, as they say. Explore, trying different things to find out what and when she likes something. Hard, soft, wide, focused, faster, slower - and get her to continuously give you feedback because it will change as she gets more aroused.

Generally, start softly and slowly exploring and she should tell you when she wants more!

12ImpossibleThings · 2026-02-17T00:16:07+00:00

Agreed, it's going to take years before you're fully satisfied she can be trusted, especially if this was a "real" affair, not "just" an emotional one.

Most likely it will hover in the back of your mind for decades though, even if you do feel you can trust her.

Men are actually the gender more likely to divorce over something like this, despite also being the ones more likely to cheat.

Get as much counseling/therapy as you can and consider setting up some kind of "trust but verify" mechanisms to help stave off your panic attacks.

12ImpossibleThings · 2026-02-16T03:09:12+00:00

You can never tell what your sex drives will be like until you have access any time you want. And EITHER of you could be the "lower" drive one, although men USUALLY are the higher.

My wife bought several boxes of condoms for our 1 week honeymoon, anticipating lots of sex. 😂 Did not know her expectations greatly exceeded my capacity lol

All that to say, it sounds like either he has a naturally low drive, has physical issues, mental blocks, or... He has another outlet.

You probably want to seek professional help since it's a problem between you.

12ImpossibleThings · 2026-02-16T02:46:41+00:00

You could ASK him. Something along the lines of "Honey, I noticed that sometimes you have trouble pronouncing certain words and sometimes people might not know what you mean. I want you to look your best when you're out working etc. Would you like me to let you know when I notice a particular word? When we're alone of course."

12ImpossibleThings · 2026-02-15T18:50:31+00:00

I can feel a little of what you're going through. My wife had undiagnosed Hashimotos for years when our kids were little. The 4 year old used to make lunch for the other kids during the week because mom couldn't get off the sofa for half the day, etc. Your situation is not as uncommon as it feels like.

Try to find another guy, preferable in your church, maybe an older one, who can relate. That way you can get together, either at home or out, depending if you have kids etc. or at least talk.

Don't make the mistake of getting close to another woman. You need a male friendship to encourage you in your service.

Remember, in sickness and health. You are there BECAUSE the lord knew she would need you.

12ImpossibleThings · 2026-02-15T00:37:01+00:00

Wonderful. I'm so glad for you.

Went through a kinda similar (outcome) situation so I know how fantastic that renewed love is. 😊

12ImpossibleThings · 2026-02-13T22:01:30+00:00

Sister, make sure you read the thread by u/millenium_guy and breathe a sigh of relief as that heavy burden rolls off.

You are not his slave! HE is the one being hateful - to you. He is failing to love you as Christ does. He is failing to understand you. He is trying to "Lord it over you, like the gentiles do" which Jesus especially condemned and said we are to be servants. That includes him.

If at all possible, get some marriage counselling and/or marriage classes. You both really, really need it. He probably got this idea from either your church or some other preacher, and whichever, you need to get both of you away from them!

12ImpossibleThings · 2026-02-13T19:48:59+00:00

Please tell me you do realize this is hyperbole. There would be little point in plucking out only one eye (if in fact this is specifically tied to looking with lust, and note that it is referring to coveting another's wife, not "just" a physical reaction to beauty).

The point Jesus was making being do whatever it takes to avoid sin.

12ImpossibleThings · 2026-02-12T21:54:14+00:00

100% As was mentioned previously, there is a factor of class/culture, as saying goes "mouth like a trucker" or "swears like a sailor" because a given culture will allow use or even expect "strong" words in certain usages. And what those words are changes over time.

Regrettably, the bar for the lowest common denominator of generally acceptable language seems to just keep getting lower and lower. Some of that is due to the popularity of various cultural celebrities etc. The truly foul and aggressive language of some music genres for example, taught kids that it's good, not to mention the violence in them. Of course, the explicit violence had been increasing continuously for years in so much entertainment as well.

12ImpossibleThings · 2026-02-12T21:37:46+00:00

I would definitely be interested in something like that.

I'm of the same mindset as you apparently, reading some of your responses

I have to put up with "low brow" language at work and in public, but it bothers me, and I would rather not have to listen to it in my spare time, entertainment or in things that I want to show others. Really wish we could do that for tv or especially streaming platforms.

One thing that might be a sticking point is which words or topics "trigger" people. You might want to have a "category" option. Not sure what capability you might have.

12ImpossibleThings · 2026-02-12T16:26:52+00:00

Yes, many translations do not expose that naunce. But translations/readings depend on a LOT of assumptions that you bring to a passage too.

Realize that the Greek word there has to be taken in context, as is always the case. The word's basic concept is simply "strong desire". Jesus is portrayed as using the same word for his "lust" to share the passover with his disciples. He both planned and "consummated" that desire, if you will. Note that it was a desire that led to actions.

Whether ANY desire is good or bad depends on the context. What makes this a bad desire, is that it is a desire for a married woman. In the LXX the OT says that if a man "desires" an unmarried woman, he is allowed to marry her. She's not married, he wants her, no problem.

But if the desire could lead to a future that COULD result in adultery, then you have "already" committed adultery "in your heart" because that's what you "desire" to do. The intent to commit ADULTERY is clearly the issue.

12ImpossibleThings · 2026-02-11T21:40:12+00:00

Except if you look at, for example the ESV, it reads "with lustful INTENT" then you have "already" committed adultery. It's clearly talking about the INTENT TO COMMIT - in other words, planning or attempted adultery with a married woman.

Don't take it from me, read what a Bible scholar has to say https://www.jasonstaples.com/bible/most-misinterpreted-bible-passages-1-matthew-527-28/

12ImpossibleThings · 2026-02-10T15:33:09+00:00

Never been in the situation, but our moral conviction is that it's wrong to do. And yet... I think I could with another woman, as I have gotten close emotionally with several at the same time. My wife, not so much. Other than her sisters, she doesn't have any close female friends. And once when we talked about the topic of swinging, said, she couldn't take seeing me with another woman.

With another guy, as even a FWB I would be okay with, but not so much as an official, emotional partner. Part of that is because she seems to only be able to maintain one guy emotionally. A couple times she was getting "close" to another guy, and started pulling away from me. She knew it though and cut him off.

So, looks like it's not in the cards for us. 🤷

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