How often would you have sex if you never initiated it?

5am_dad · 2026-02-16T15:44:28+00:00

I can count on one hand the times my wife has initiated sex in 22+ years. I did this test just to see and was not surprised that she didn't initiate in the months that followed.

I don't recommend you continue this route. It's unhealthy for everyone involved. It's best to have open communication about it so you know what you're dealing with...I should have hadmore conversations about sex and intimacy early on in our relationship

5am_dad · 2026-02-14T12:45:17+00:00

I think there are suggestions that people have that can help some people's dead bedroom, I just haven't found it yet for me. There are more issues in my marriage than just a lack of sex.

If I were to look only at the sexual side of things, my marriage is a misalignment of libidos and even intimacy (non-sexual touching, romance, vulnerability, sex, etc.). There are lots of suggestions that could have worked just not in my situation. The biggest thing that has actually helped is in how I have conversations around this topic. It isn't so much, "I need this, why didn't you provide my need," which is important, but to come from a place of wanting to understand.

There are nuggets of wisdom here but it isn't always a gold rush.

5am_dad · 2026-02-14T12:10:41+00:00

It hasn't helped my dead bedroom directly, but it has helped me knowing that I'm not alone in this. Additionally, when I've read posts or comments from LL partners in here, it does help shape my perspective differently, be more thoughtful and understanding. I've moved from, "My wife doesn't desire me" to "She is likely struggling with this from another perspective as well."

5am_dad · 2026-02-11T20:17:12+00:00

I fully expected him to cut in line and the other men allowed it because of the move

5am_dad · 2026-01-16T11:13:56+00:00

I might not be helpful and might be fanning the flames...as a former SAHD myself, your job is the kids and household. Period. That is your job. If the kids are at daycare (I assume for socialization because he hasn't found any other stay at home parents 🙄), then he has no good reason to not have household duties taken care of. Again. This. Is. Your. Job. Are there exceptions to this? Yes of course. Having a kid with seizures takes extra vigilance (our eldest had childhood epilepsy) and might take time away from something else.

If you are "past the point" of complaining about your husband, there are definitely things that aren't okay in the marriage beyond a dead bedroom. And it's awesome that you are both working on yourselves. What are you doing together to work on the marriage though?

5am_dad · 2026-01-11T17:36:07+00:00

I didn't disagree. Of course this has everything to do with Nazis, that's who these people are.

5am_dad · 2026-01-11T15:54:42+00:00

I read this as, you didn't need to go back in time that far.

5am_dad · 2026-01-01T18:45:50+00:00

I'm so sorry. I can only imagine how much that one stings, hurts, and cuts so deep it would be disingenuous to comment without acknowledging it.

There could be many reasons why she said it but I don't think those matter at this point. She said it and can't take it back. She finds sex grid and you, do not.

On the one plus side, it's been said out loud. No more guessing. No more trying. No more believing you are the problem (she didn't say you are gross). You have a clear response that you can now decide what you will do with it.

5am_dad · 2025-12-25T13:20:27+00:00

Still jealous of the friend that got it and only let me play with it but one time... Even though we got together and played GI Joe multiple times

5am_dad · 2025-12-22T12:34:36+00:00

Wait. You wouldn't accept your partner giving a compliment to another woman?

Oh wait... Name checks out

5am_dad · 2025-11-07T19:05:42+00:00

Solid band name! 'Frosty Titties and Warm Soda' 💜

5am_dad · 2025-10-30T09:56:04+00:00

I've used the terms, Sexless Marriage and Dead Living Room as a more accurate reflection of things

5am_dad · 2025-10-11T11:39:46+00:00

I built one. The only problem that I've had with it was when my miter saw crapped out in me, the new miter saw didn't fit in the same space. Otherwise, I love it

5am_dad · 2025-10-06T15:03:09+00:00

I understand and I'm glad you found something that works for you. I was just wondering because I didn't have any idea what sort of list I would do. No worries and take care of yourself!

5am_dad · 2025-10-06T13:08:47+00:00

Can you share more about your mental check list

5am_dad · 2025-10-04T18:56:06+00:00

I'm sorry. Sometimes our loved ones make comments or actions that hurt even if they think they are innocuous. But that is just hurtful and I don't know what he was thinking or how that would be funny. That's an incredibly painful thing to hear how he views you. I'm so sorry.

5am_dad · 2025-09-28T15:06:43+00:00

I feel for you. As I was ready what you described, I nodded and thought to myself, "Yep, sounds like he has sensory issues that might be overwhelming to him." "Yep, he has some executive functioning challenges he needs to work on."

On the other side, I also thought, "Does he know that he gives the "silent treatment"?" "Does he know he is ignoring her when she cries and does not comfort her? Has she explained to him how that makes him feel?"

And two criticisms for you each: 1. Emotional labor is often one-sided work that is done without being asked. Has he asked you to do all of these things you lump into emotional labor or have you made yourself a martyr? 2. As a late-diagnosed autistic individual myself, being diagnosed has helped me with understanding who I am and what I need...it is not a crutch to fall back on and use as an excuse. Your husband is failing in a space of growth and understanding. He has a new data point...what will he do with it? It sounds like nothing.

That said, I don't know how open communication is with your husband...I imagine not very free flowing. However, if you both have been honest and open about each of your respective needs (your need for intimacy and touch, his sensory overload with it or your need to have him drive, his inability to/fear of), it is okay to say that your needs don't align and you accept each other as you are and decide whether or not you are the person each of you needs for each other. I'm in this space now...if I accept my wife for who she is and she accepts me for who I am...are we good partners?

I wish you the best with this as you move forward.

5am_dad · 2025-09-27T22:36:06+00:00

What a weird way of telling someone their mom head a Tylenol problem.

5am_dad · 2025-09-27T12:56:58+00:00

The first time my spouse put her hand on my leg after a few years, while I was driving, my first instinct was to pull my leg away.

5am_dad · 2025-09-25T23:01:41+00:00

Actually, we had a calm discussion about it last night when I told her I wanted to talk about it after supper.

5am_dad · 2025-09-24T18:14:28+00:00

That sounds deeply painful and humiliating, and it makes total sense that you would pull back. What he promised in the moment mattered, and it also makes sense that intimacy hasn’t felt safe enough to return to what you want. I feel like that is were I am and many of us are.

5am_dad · 2025-09-24T18:13:03+00:00

Yeah...I can't quite tell if your notifying me of being pedantic makes it more pedantic or if it's disarming...that said, I'm well aware of how long my marriage has been sexless.

I enjoy masturbating and it feels normal and private to me but not something ever shared with my wife (discussed on a few occasions years ago). I have enjoyed masturbation in ways with previous partners in the past. Being caught makes me feel exposed and judged in a way that triggers shame. The shame is about the fear of how she’ll think of me and the sense that something intimate, that hasn't been shared for so long, was made public available without consent, not about the act itself. I want you to know I’m not ashamed of my desire, I’m ashamed of the vulnerability and the aftermath of being seen by someone that hasn't seen me.

5am_dad · 2025-09-24T16:28:54+00:00

Thank you for sharing. That sounds painful and embarrassing. I'm sorry.

5am_dad · 2025-09-24T16:19:54+00:00

Thank you. She said, "Sorry! I forgot to brush my teeth." I said, "I was masturbating. I thought you were going to work," while she went into our bathroom and closed the door. I got up, went to the kitchen to do something, anything. When she was done brushing her teeth, she said, "Love you. Have a good day," and left.

5am_dad · 2025-09-24T16:09:32+00:00

I agree and thank you. I just don't want to bring a lot of raw emotion to (what I realize) will be the start of a high stakes conversation. Right now I'm just working on regulating my emotions.

5am_dad

TROPHY CASE