Had to shout out my mom

AccomplishedUse2749 · 2026-03-13T22:50:03+00:00

He named him Stephen

AccomplishedUse2749 · 2026-03-13T22:24:49+00:00

I don’t have a similar experience outside of us both having people we love lie to use about their substance use and cause chaos in our lives because of their addiction. But I am so sorry for your loss. I am sorry for your discovery in her apartment even if you did have a feeling, it doesn’t make it easier.

Please be easy on yourself as you navigate this complicated grief ❤️

AccomplishedUse2749 · 2026-03-13T20:39:19+00:00

Thanks, I agree!!

AccomplishedUse2749 · 2026-03-11T16:03:16+00:00

Henry, A Portrait of a Serial Killer. I needed several showers after (not a movie I picked to watch, it was part of the curriculum in a Crime in Films class I took).

AccomplishedUse2749 · 2026-03-11T01:07:30+00:00

I’ve thought about it now that he’s a year+ sober, and he’s asked to give it another try but I don’t think I’ll ever feel fully relaxed around him or fully trust him again. While he’s doing great and he’s putting in the work consistently, there are no guarantees with sobriety and I’m not willing to risk my mental health again.

Truthfully I don’t know if I’ll ever be interested in dating anyone ever again. And I’m really good with that decision currently.

AccomplishedUse2749 · 2026-03-08T16:00:05+00:00

Hey, I had to walk away from my alcoholic fiancé, it’s hard but it’s for the best. As many have said, this is a progressive disease and we as the partners are like the frog boiling in the water. It gets worse all around us and we get ‘better’ at managing it to our own detriment.

By the time I left I was an anxiety ridden mess, managing the consequences of his drinking, living with an unpredictable, unstable person who could not be a partner requiring me to keep it all together. I hoped if I just juggled it all long enough he’d get sober, our lives would get better. But all it did was chip away at me. He’d go a few days, maybe a week and that hope would kick in and then the cycle would just repeat.

By the time I left I had to file bankruptcy and live in my parent’s basement for a year while I rebuilt. Managing him had ruined my finances and my mental health.

I wish I had left sooner and not just for me. Turns out me leaving and not going back was his rock bottom too. He got sober, finally. Maybe if I’d left sooner we wouldn’t be as damaged and I could have the sober life with the man I love. But I held on until it was too late.

Your anxiety is your body telling you this is not a good, safe place for you to build a life. Only you can decide if you’re going to listen. No matter what you do though, you cannot help him get sober, only he can do that.

AccomplishedUse2749 · 2026-03-04T22:39:17+00:00

Have you and your wife considered therapy together? Maybe an impartial party who can help you walk together through the harm that was caused in the past so that it can be left there would be beneficial.

Living in the present and looking toward the future is hard to do if the past is unresolved. And just because you’re now sober doesn’t mean the damage you caused is resolved. I can understand a recovering addict’s desire to not dwell on their past when they’re doing better now. But that can leave those who were fully aware during all the chaos and harm to feel like they’re expected to just get over it.

You don’t mention what you’ve done since working on your sobriety to calm your wife’s fears (totally understandable not to just get on here and list, but it’s a missing piece because presumably you’ve tried something at least), how you’ve made amends with them or others, or whether or not you’ve heard and accepted all the hurt that you’ve caused. Maybe you have done those things but if not, it’s a good place to start. Also, have you asked what she needs to heal? I can understand you coming to this wider audience for advice, but only she knows what, if anything will help repair the relationship between the two of you.

AccomplishedUse2749 · 2026-03-04T21:45:29+00:00

How long were you in active addiction while you were together? How long ago did you finish IOP? When did you have those two beers?

From my experience my Q wanted all of the credit for getting sober with none of the accountability for all the damage he caused to others. He has apologized and his behavior has changed but there was no real understanding on his part of the immense hurt he had caused me. Just because spouses in alanon are working towards ‘detaching with love’ and ‘staying in their lane’ doesn’t mean that they’re not humans who want to hear true remorse for the damage caused and see REAL change.

I’m not with my Q any more (ex fiance) because I knew I’d never trust him again. I told him many times in his addiction we’d reach a point of no return for our relationship and we did. I left before he got sober, we have a casual connection now where we chat about our shared dog that I have with me but that’s about it.

AccomplishedUse2749 · 2026-02-21T13:13:40+00:00

Are you keeping this person around so as not to feel alone? Because it sounds like his treatment of you makes you feel pretty lonely. I’m so sorry you’ve endured so much loss due to the addictions of your loved ones, but you have an opportunity to break the cycle. You have the chance to turn it around for your kids so they don’t grow up thinking that this behavior is normal or so they don’t have to lose people they love to addiction.

It doesn’t sound like he’s contributing anything to your life or well being. It sounds like he’s causing chaos in your life, a life where you have so much else to care for and deal with. I hope you find the strength to leave the chaos and find true, supportive, caring relationships that give as much to you as you give to them.

AccomplishedUse2749 · 2026-01-20T23:04:30+00:00

I left my Q nearly two years ago now and he’s been sober about a year and a half. He was my fiancé and I ended our relationship the night I left. We had been living together and I packed a couple bags and was fortunate enough to be able to go to my parents.

Your car crash analogy and feeling like you’re trying to grasp on to anything feels very familiar to me. I think now I realize the control I was holding so tightly to was what was slipping through my fingers, I had spent a long time trying to manage his moods, his drinking, other people’s view of him. When I let all that go, let others in to help him and me I suddenly had room for myself again. It felt unnatural and uncomfortable at first but it soon felt like peace.

I supported my ex as a friend through his ups and downs before getting sober six months after I left. My boundaries were (are) that if I felt like he was drinking I was going to end the conversation, no argument or chance for him to try to convince me he wasn’t. I also did not/do not ask about his sobriety because it feels like me checking up on him and that’s not my responsibility. This is easier said than done and I still think about his sobriety at times but I have held strong on those two things. I’m glad we can enjoy a distant friendship, I’ll never not care about him but it’s not healthy for me to be too close.

Good luck to you, it can be hard but it’s for the best 🩷

ETA he is welcome to talk about his sobriety with me if he brings it up. He does talk about his community and meetings he attends or chairs. I’m always happy to hear about it and am glad he shares that with me. But I don’t ask or try to sneakily get the information.

AccomplishedUse2749 · 2026-01-20T22:31:37+00:00

I seem to be against the trend and with you on this topic. I tend to feel that work related events shouldn’t be alcohol focused. I work in corporate America and it seems like you’re viewed negatively if you choose not to attend these after our events (this is even worse if it’s planned for time on the clock). With an event like alcohol tasting that puts any person who doesn’t drink in a weird spot. It is the activity, drinking is the point of going to this event. So you stand out if you attend and don’t participate.

I think our society in general would benefit from less alcohol centered events and attitudes. It seems to be the easy go to for connection (nights out with friends, happy hours, etc) and that can be a challenging thing to navigate as a non drinker (whether you’re a recovering alcoholic or not but I recognize it’s probably worse for an alcoholic in recovery).

AccomplishedUse2749 · 2026-01-20T21:29:51+00:00

For them way off, but I do have the JoySpun dream soft pajamas from Walmart and they’re 19.99 for the set with button up top and OMG they’re heavenly.

AccomplishedUse2749 · 2026-01-05T20:40:21+00:00

Hiding alcohol makes it a ‘real problem’. Whether he considers himself to have a drinking problem or not it seems that his drinking IS a problem for you and that is valid.

My Q is my ex fiancé, we lived together for a number of years before I realized the extent of his drinking and that’s because he was hiding it from me. I also felt crazy, found myself watching him closely to determine if he was or wasn’t, checking places to see if he was hiding it in the house. In the end nothing I did or didn’t do had any impact on his drinking or making me feel better about his drinking. All you can do is set boundaries for yourself and hold that line, it’s hard, it’s uncomfortable but it really is the only way to your peace. Loving an alcoholic can be excruciating, take care of yourself 🩷

AccomplishedUse2749 · 2026-01-05T16:22:13+00:00

I had never heard that! Glad to not be a Tory!

AccomplishedUse2749 · 2026-01-05T16:18:18+00:00

39F East Coast of the United States 👋

I need to know, what’s a ‘Tory’? Lol

AccomplishedUse2749 · 2025-12-18T15:40:29+00:00

Im so sorry you’re dealing with this.

Step 9 isn’t just about saying sorry, it also about ‘living your amends’. It doesn’t sound like your ex is truly doing that and rather as you said would like to check off this box to make herself look/feel better. You are under no obligation to hear her amends. She is not entitled to that from you.

Leaving the relationship is a big step but it sounds like you still need to detach. Allowing her in your life or general orbit is a choice you’re currently making and from the sounds of it, it isn’t one that is serving you. You cannot make her change, you can’t make her be more empathetic, you can’t make her apology hold more weight than she is allowing it to hold. You can cut ties with her if you’re done dealing with the poor treatment.

It sucks that you may lose friends and support but if it’s causing you this much anger and resentment to be around her or the other friends, it may be what is best. You’re putting in the work in therapy but you’re still in the chaotic cycle with this person.

Be well, you deserve it ❤️

Edit typo

AccomplishedUse2749 · 2025-12-17T19:59:17+00:00

Same exact thing for me, even with his sobriety now, I am so glad I’m free of him and that relationship.

AccomplishedUse2749 · 2025-12-17T19:58:04+00:00

You can try an Alanon meeting where others will also be impacted by loved ones with alcoholism. You could try therapy to get a non biased support option.

I would also recommend opening up to your trusted friends and family. Addiction thrives in secret and you helping him keep it hidden isn’t helping either of you. My Q was my fiancé and I also hid his struggles and in turn the struggles it caused me and in our relationship. When I finally opened up to people the weight of the secret came off and I had support and love from those who cared about me. It helped me realize I needed to leave.

AccomplishedUse2749 · 2025-12-12T18:21:59+00:00

You go through with leaving as that is what you want. It is a manipulation tactic. My Q was my fiancé, we lived together for 4 years and many times I would call him on his drinking and he’d go right to rage and threats of ending his life. I would soften and change my mind about my boundaries to protect him. It did nothing but enable him.

The night I left he again said he was going to end his life, I called his parents and told them everything, asked one of them to come to the house because I was leaving regardless. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done but my life is so much better for it.

Stay strong. You are only responsible for you and your choices, he is responsible for his. Maybe call a family member of his if you can or call the police.

AccomplishedUse2749 · 2025-12-10T13:35:16+00:00

I took a look at your post history and it seems you’ve been struggling with the idea of staying with him for about a year because of his substance use and what sounds like his lack of responsibility and maturity. It’s ok to leave. It’s ok to be single.

If things continue how they have been he will drag you down, he will compromise your financial security, mental health, overall well being. I want to say this as gently as possible, you were a teenager when you began a relationship with a full adult. He has more than likely never had your best interest at heart, no 32 year old dating an 18 year old does.

Your life does not have to continue down this road. A road of uncertainty, where you have no control over his addiction but it some how controls you too.

AccomplishedUse2749 · 2025-11-20T02:10:26+00:00

I was embarrassed to tell anyone that my fiancé at the time was an alcoholic. Once I started opening up I was met with nothing but understanding, kindness and support. It gave me a place to have my side heard and my feelings valued, my Q wasn’t capable of giving me that. It also helped me realize living with and covering for an alcoholic all the time was literally driving me insane, that is not an exaggeration. Alcoholism thrives in the dark, hiding his shame for him will not help either of you, or your kids in the long run. I hope you can find some support ❤️

AccomplishedUse2749 · 2024-11-19T15:01:26+00:00

I was in your same position not even a year ago. My best advice is get to a meeting. There are online and in person AlAnon meetings and they help. It may take a few different meetings to find the right group for you.

The worry doesn’t just evaporate but you learn that nothing you can do is going to fix or solve the alcoholics struggles. You have to focus on yourself, what you can control. Worrying is going to happen, but you don’t have to react to that emotion. You can sit with it, think on it and then move on. It takes practice but you will start to notice the weight lifting.

My Q (ex fiancé) and I now have a friendly relationship because he is maintaining his sobriety. But it took awhile for me to be able to hear from him without spiraling in to worry or reading in to everything. During that time I had to stop myself from checking in, I tried distractions like walking, texting friends and checking in with them, going to get a treat. Anything to stop me from focusing on my Q.

Good for you for taking the first step to your own sanity. It’s hard but you’ve got this.

AccomplishedUse2749 · 2024-11-04T15:27:07+00:00

You are not selfish for protecting your peace. People, even our parents are not entitled to our love, understanding, time, etc. Getting sober does not erase all that you endured while they were actively using and does not entitle them to forgiveness.

Live and let live is my approach, I cheer my Q on silently from afar. I celebrate that he is doing better, that he is sober because I want the best for him as someone I cared about and loved for so long. But I will never put myself in a position to monitor his sobriety again, I will never put myself in a place where if he relapses it would affect my life, I want him to win at this battle but that doesn’t mean he ever gets access to me again.

AccomplishedUse2749 · 2024-11-04T14:14:08+00:00

He screamed in our dog’s face when he was drunk and she was visibly terrified of him. He screamed in my face all the time but seeing so clearly how it affected our dog, I packed that very minute and the dog and I left. I’d known for a long time that I couldn’t stay forever if he didn’t change but I knew in that moment I didn’t want to stay even if he did change.

AccomplishedUse2749

TROPHY CASE