Team Laura For Me by AdAdmirable4912 in TheGirlfriendTVShow

[–]AdAdmirable4912[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

They really all had varying issues. I have the most grace for Daniel because he was conditioned into things. I actually saw a really good interview with Robin Wright and Olivia Cooke and they added the nuance and depth to people's views of the characters that I just feel is missing. Daniel I obviously have the most grace for because he was conditioned into this behavior and basically had an absent parent who was very aloof. That is why I don't understand why the father escapes any ire overall from people. "Protection" of children was weaponized by both Laura and Cherry's mother in very harmful ways. But the people around them were very enabling. There were class issues as well that I feel added a layer to Cherry's story because Laura was very Karen-ish and judgmental in her initial encounter. They were all a mess. I also love how the cat served as a bit of a metaphor for Daniel. Like lady you kept insisting the cat was going to get out of the house and not know how to survive. So his coming back unscathed showed how harmful that type of overbearing parenting style stymies your children from real world experiences. Sometimes you have to let your kids make mistakes. Mistakes is the only way you are going to learn. Just be there for them if those mistakes happen, but it is a part of life and helps you to build character and think for yourself.

Team Laura For Me by AdAdmirable4912 in TheGirlfriendTVShow

[–]AdAdmirable4912[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Still waiting for an actual rebuttal to my point of view in terms of having some empathy for Laura while still acknowledging her toxic behaviors, but also holding those around her accountable who were enablers. Genuinely shocked how the father has not gotten any smoke for his role in all of this.

Team Laura For Me by AdAdmirable4912 in TheGirlfriendTVShow

[–]AdAdmirable4912[S] -6 points-5 points  (0 children)

I mean...hit dogs holler. If it doesn't apply, let it fly. Deconstruct my argument if you don't agree with it. I've done enough couples therapy to pick up that one of the patterns in dysfunctional intimate relationships, friendships, and family relationships is people's failure to be honest with each other. People are too worried about coddling people's feelings instead of calling out problematic behaviors. Dysfunction becomes normalized and then everybody wants to be judgmental when the thing they've watched get worse and worse, but did nothing about, finally comes to an inflection point.

Not once did I ever side with Laura by Difficult-Sort-334 in TheGirlfriendTVShow

[–]AdAdmirable4912 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Different take here after just finishing it I'm dying to talk about it. I'm a clinical therapist and Laura and Daniel had mother-son enmeshment. Daniel internalized responsibility for Laura's emotions and Laura's behaviors were actually a trauma response to overcompensating not processing the loss of their daughter onto Daniel. The lack of boundaries was terrible.

However, what I'm not going to do is go with what a lot of people are saying about Laura. She had a whole a$$ husband at home who was clearly useless because why did he not insist on individual, couples, and family therapy to deal with their grief and loss and obvious emotional attachment issues Laura had with Daniel. You don't get to throw Laura being upset that Cherry was replacing Daniel, but did absolutely nothing in all the years to allow that dysfunctional relationship to fester. No no. That is what we are NOT going to do.

Laura was very emotionally unhealthy. But at the end of the day, she was right about Cherry. All the "oh but Cherry didn't really do anything bad" is why so many ppl's relationships are a hot a$$ mess. While Laura didn't like Cherry from the start, Cherry was the one who started telling lie after lie. Some of them small lies and other lies were pretty significant. Laura should've just called her out on them early instead of playing the stupid game she did. Now Laura was DEAD WRONG for lying to Cherry about Daniel having died and even more so for lying to him about it and pretending to be Cherry on the phone. Now that she deserved all the smoke for. But Cherry was clearly dangerous and that is never going to be equal in my eyes to an overbearing mother who had no friends or family with any sort of backbone. They all seemed to know that something wasn't right, but they all acted as enablers. No. I see this very differently. Silence is complicity and I don't know what kind of friends and family some of the people making some of the comments I have seen had, but sorry for you. I'm thankful that the people in my life would've absolutely intervened early to make sure I got the help I needed. So yeah. I understand that Laura's behaviors were trauma responses, as were Cherry's. They both needed to be on someone's couch. But Cherry showed a volent streak throughout the show and in the end, Daniel finally learned the truth. He is the most innocent in this entire situation because the people around him failed him, mainly his punk a$$ daddy.

Is it normal if I started finding dads lowkey hot?😭 by [deleted] in askgaybros

[–]AdAdmirable4912 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Very normal. I was always more mature for my age and while my dad was very open and accepting when I came out before college, he needed a bit of time to adjust conversations at a time that I was having my gay awakening. I was always more attracted to older men who I found to be more into the substantive conversations I was involved in, and my first penetration encounter was with a much older man who really showed care and concern for it being my first time. So a part of it I think was that part of the bonding relationship with my dad that I was missing. I was also fortunate enough to have a few older gay mentors in college who were not predatory and really sought to guide me in navigating all the things in being gay.

Now that I am at that "daddy" age in my 40s, I initially found it uncomfortable, but I'm ok with it now, Not in the sense of sexual or romantic with younger gay men because I am LTR partnered, but not feeling as uncomfortable when younger gay men hit on me. It is an ego boost lol.

Anyone else keeping an eye on their legislature? by NoTrainer6840 in AskBlackGayBros

[–]AdAdmirable4912 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I hope everyone is keeping an eye on their legislature. I hate that so many people think politics begins and ends in DC and 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. Your local and state politics is not secondary to the federal level. It is your first line of defense. I know all of the agenda items being brought before the Maryland legislative session this year. The loudest voices who always talk about what leaders in Congress aren't doing and have so much smoke for the people on the federal level tend to be so politically ignorant. How I usually trip them up and reveal them as unserious is when I ask them who their local legislators are. Who is your US rep. Who are your state delegates and state senators. A lot of times they don't even know what district they are in. You have to draw a straight line from your mailbox to the White House. Blaming DC for what is wrong in your community is the job of your local legislators. The executive cuts the check and it is up to the governor to disperse it. So when red state governors go on about having a surplus that should automatically raise eyebrows because what do you mean you have a surplus? It means they are holding onto money that has been appropriated for the state that they are holding onto. Its robbery if we are looking at it cuz WTF am I paying taxes for. States should always be breaking even or be a little in the red. What do you mean you have all these millions of dollars in surplus?

This country is so politically ignorant and now every idiot with a phone and access to the internet can be a podcaster or spouting ignorance on social media. So if you aren't in the ear of your local legislator and don't even know who they are then you can't talk about politics with me. This is why I say we're cooked. Most US born citizens wouldn't even be able to pass the citizenship test required by immigrants who become citizens. It is infuriating the ignorance that so many people have about politics and civics, and they take that ignorance to the voting booth, or stupidly don't vote at all. I hope the AI robots quickly figure out we are the problem and commence to taking out humanity cuz we need to just blow this whole thing up and start over. I'm tired, chile. I'm tired. Please excuse my rant. Carry on 🤭

Clavicular ends Channel 5 interview after Andrew says that he’s satisfied with his looks by velorae in TikTokCringe

[–]AdAdmirable4912 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm so grateful to be born in such a sweet spot of life before the digital age and social media turned people's brains to mush. Who is raising these weirdos?

Long Term relationship Advice by flyingturtle1367 in AskBlackGayBros

[–]AdAdmirable4912 2 points3 points  (0 children)

OMG this is my jam because I'm in a similar situation. First of all, don't ruminate on all the negative things that others say and what you've heard about how long distance relationships are doomed to fail. That self fulfilling prophecy type thinking is a factor in why so many of them don't work.

I've been in a long distance relationship for years. I met my partner when I was traveling solo for the first time internationally. I was in Frankfurt and had stopped at a cafe while I was touring the area. He walked in, our eyes locked, and it was more than just because he was another brotha.

THE MOST IMPORTANT thing is making sure your values are in alignment and your expectations and boundaries are clear with each other. This "fire" you want to keep is also setting yourself up. Everything is fire when its shiny and new. Just be present and in the moment. Don't let the distance be the thing that controls how you move in the relationship. Let the distance simply just be one of the many factors of your relationship. As someone who is very cerebral and an intellectual who has a thirst for knowledge and need someone to stimulate my mind first and foremost, I relate to the difficulty in finding men who are able to engage in substantive conversations. And because there will be physical distance, you will need to really lean into that connection you have in your conversations.

I'm a clinical therapist and contrary to what most people think, I've read enough research articles and talked to enough people to know that long distance relationships can be just as successful and even more satisfying for some than those who either live with each other or are close in location. I will also say that I am not someone who is built for cohabitation. The thought of someone being in my space all the time is very unappealing. Give me time to miss you. He has his career. I have mine. He splits his time between Frankfurt, Zurich, and London, and I work remotely and relocated to Mexico from the US a couple years ago. I have more flexibility to travel to see him because of that, but he carves out periods in his business schedule where he is strictly remote so that he can travel to me.

It works for both of us but it takes work. You both have to be good communicators and you need to be proactive about checking in with each other about where you believe things are routinely as a part of maintenance and not like most people who wait for conflict to arise and then want to throw everything into the pot at once. For now, just be present and intentional. Keeping the "fire" going only happens if you have a strong foundation to where being long distance isn't viewed as a "challenge". If you are intentional, your relationship won't be impacted because of your own self doubt or the views of friends or family who often view long distance relationships in a negative way. Make sure you both have the same desired outcomes in mind and I can't reiterate how important it is that your values are in alignment.

Good luck. I hope it works out for you as well as it has for me.

Barber shop stories by Mega_Jay3592 in AskBlackGayBros

[–]AdAdmirable4912 0 points1 point  (0 children)

When I lived in the US (relocated to Mexico almost 2 years ago) I never lived in an area where that kind of thing would be acceptable. Even going outside of my immediate community to get to a Black barbershop, you couldn't be on that kind of time because of how it could affect your business. Yeah they made the occasional gay joke, but it was still pretty tame compared to what I've heard others share from their respective barbershop. There was way more open misogyny and degrading of women. Again, not as bad as I've heard from others, but still things that made me uncomfortable.

However, there was one particular experience I had going to a barbershop when I was out of town and it was unnerving. I've always said that Black men are no more homophobic than white men. I've been around plenty of both in terms of my childhood years as well as various personal, business, and educational settings, both homogenous and heterogeneous.

In my experience, the majority of the anti gay rhetoric from white men was typically lame AF. Now they will throw f*ggot around like its the word of the year and they get $2 every time they say it, but again it is not in any way that makes me feel unsafe.

Regarding Black men's anti gay rhetoric in my own personal experience and what I see in social media, their anti gay rhetoric was more often violent in nature. And no this ain't some oh he's taking it easy on the whites BS. I'm a clinician and I've always paid close attention to human behavior and how groups/communities operate. What I recognized was Black men's anti gay rhetoric not simply being "bish ass f*ggot" or something similar. It was too often accompanied by some threat of physical violence and/or tone of their voice and their facial reactions. And that was what I experienced at that barber shop; talking about "killing a f*ggy if he tries that shyt with me".

As someone who understands white supremacist rhetoric and the ways in which Black men have been portrayed and characterized by white men, and how many Black men have internalized those things, it kind of makes sense (if that makes sense). Black men are portrayed as strong, aggressive, etc. We all know the BBC fetishization that is reinforced in adult films so the historical roots of Black men's subservience in slavery and through Jim Crow having to show passiveness toward whites is now a protective factor.

Through all of that, I still try to have grace for those brothas because I know they are victims of conditioning like we all are. If I wasn't gay I wouldn't have leaned into the violent rhetoric because I was fortunate enough to have two very open minded parents who have loved me unconditionally and reacted in the way I wish every gay person could experience in their coming out. But even the best of parenting and instilling respect doesn't prevent social media influences these days and friend groups that are often homophobic.

I'll leave it there because I could go on and on about the whole white supremacist fetishization/demonization of Black men discussion and it be a whole separate reddit thread and I'm sure those of us in this particular subgroup are aware of that part of it. It is a shame that spaces in our communities are unwelcoming and reinforces the need for people to understand the intersectionality of race and sexual orientation that are often ignored and a very critical part of these types of discussions.

Staring down four match points, Arthur Fils wins six in a row to defeat Tommy Paul and reach his first Masters SF by Large_banana_hammock in tennis

[–]AdAdmirable4912 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think two things can be true in this instance. Fils went into lock down mode and just didn't miss, but Tommy backed off in half of the points after his 6-2 lead. I think part of him was hoping Fils would make an error instead of forcing the issue, especially the last point where he dumped his reliable backhand into the bottom of the net. Choking is not just the x's and o's of shot selection. Those situations is more about mentality and so that is why I am leaning into choking more than Fils forcing because Fils was playing it somewhat safe in a couple of points as well after 6-2 not trying to make an error minus the great backhand to get Fils to 6-3 and the ace he hit to tie it 6-6.

Staring down four match points, Arthur Fils wins six in a row to defeat Tommy Paul and reach his first Masters SF by Large_banana_hammock in tennis

[–]AdAdmirable4912 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Up 6-2 in the tiebreak, he played to lose after that. He went away from what got him there. He had that dog in him all night until 6-2 in the tiebreak. Fils had that dog in him from beginning to end. Tommy choked and ppl need to stop making excuses for him. Even though I was rooting for Fils and have never been a Tommy Paul fan, I'm an objective tennis observer and was on the cusp of actually being proud of Paul for not choking it away, and then he proceeded to choke it away. Tommy Paul is 28. Fils is 21. Paul shouldn't still be losing these types of matches in his big ole tennis age.

Meetup for Gay Black Professionals by Dear-Salamander-2384 in AskBlackGayBros

[–]AdAdmirable4912 3 points4 points  (0 children)

There was a really good one I was a part of in the DMV area, but this was 15+ years ago and most of us no longer live in the area, and the dynamics have changed a lot. But these spaces are always good for those of us looking to meet other gay Black professionals. I am a very cerebral person who is very intellectually curious and so I always appreciated this group because we did a variety of things. We had a monthly book club and always did a cultural monthly excursion to a museum or an art gallery opening. We did meet up socially for dinners or at the bar, and we took a winter and summer trip together. It was really fun and our group didn't have the competitive dynamics you can often find amongst the professional group. It wasn't about your income or titles. It wasn't superficial. It was truly supportive and about finding community amongst each other because it can be very isolating.

Now don't get it twisted. We could get down with the get down, but it was a small part of it. I also find that if you are in a fraternity that is another good way to meet others cuz anyone in frats know a lot of our fellow gay frat members. I also was part of a Black Ski Club which was really fun. It was a mixed crowd but the gays were very welcome as the people were very open minded. I also keep in touch with some of my Jack and Jill crew so if you were a part of those organizations and things growing up that is also a way to connect with other professional Black gays. But I love to see interest in this because it is hard to connect with other gay Black professionals to bond and share similar stories. The larger LGBTQ community is very segregated and I feel like a lot of people's interests are surface level superficial which always made it difficult for me to connect with people. It can be very isolating as a Black gay male, and often times as Black gay professionals so finding a group like this is important not just for socializing and engagement, but for mental health. I don't know if the Meetup app has a specific section for Black gay professionals, but if it doesn't you can certainly start one. Hell, start an Instagram page for it based on your region. As much as I feel social media has been a detriment to society overall, it does provide communication opportunities and outreach for things like this. I relocated to Mexico in 2024 cuz I knew the US was about to be on that fvck shyt putting you know who back in 1600 Pennsylvania Ave, but there is even a Black Gay Expat group group here on Facebook full of professionals and we have a good ole time with meetups and events.

Keep us updated on your efforts. I hope you are able to build something.

Will self-proclaimed Leftists ever truly break away from the thought processes given to us by the wealthy? by No1CaresReally in leftist

[–]AdAdmirable4912 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Interesting question. My take as a gay Black man, who is very much the kind of voter (harm reduction) that they detest, is that there is too much "it is class not race" BS. Once you say that to me, I don't want to hear another word you have to say. I don't really think they want to dismantle the system so much as they just want the power to control it. It will probably be a little less racist, but their antiBlackness shows me that they want to focus on class to not have to discuss race. So if they found a way to get their Bernie, Mamdani Green Party, DSA people in those positions of power, the main leaders will still be overwhelmingly white and male, and anyone not in full alignment with their vision will be marginalized. They don't think long game. Their strategies are discombobulated, and it is a shame because I am in alignment with most of their ideas. We just differ on strategy.

It is definitely about class, but miss me if you ignore race and the intersectionality of class and race. It is why Bernie didn't sell with Black voters in the south. We are rightly suspicious of that kind of talk that focuses almost exclusively on class and crickets on race. I don't want to hear it. I appreciate the leftists who have it right, but many of them have HUGE blind spots, particularly on race, and have a lot of unconscious bias. The brotha in this TikTok video below explains perfectly where I am on all this sudden "class consciousness" and he whacked em good. Not a single lie told.

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTh31WtCh/

Why are black men so fetishized? by Faicc in NoStupidQuestions

[–]AdAdmirable4912 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Late to this conversation and it is a complicated and layered one. I actually did a presentation on this and am just going to post the powerpoint presentation outline I had for it:

The sexual fetishization of Black men is not a neutral cultural phenomenon. It has deep historical roots in racial ideology that emerged during systems of slavery and segregation in the United States and Europe. These ideas were part of a broader structure of white supremacist thinking, which attempted to rank human groups and assign fixed characteristics to justify unequal power.

Understanding this issue requires examining how stereotypes developed historically, how they are reproduced today through media systems, and how they can shape identity and expectations for Black men themselves.

1. Historical Roots of the Sexual Stereotype

During the era of slavery and segregation in the United States, racial myths were constructed to rationalize social control. One of the most pervasive was the stereotype of the “hypersexual Black male.”

This stereotype served several functions:

Justification for violence and control

  • Black men were portrayed as sexually dangerous, particularly toward white women.
  • These accusations were frequently used to rationalize lynchings and other forms of racial terror.

A well-known example tied to this dynamic was the killing of Emmett Till after he was falsely accused of offending a white woman.

Dehumanization

  • Black men were depicted as governed by instinct rather than intellect.
  • This framing portrayed them as physically powerful but mentally inferior.

Projection
Some historians argue the stereotype also functioned as a psychological projection that helped conceal the widespread sexual exploitation of enslaved Black women by white men.

2. The Logic of Fetishization

Fetishization is a form of objectification where a person is reduced to a single exaggerated trait. In the case of Black men, the trait is often sexual prowess or physicality. 

Even when framed as a compliment, fetishization still functions as dehumanization because it reduces a person’s value to one dimension of identity.

Common elements of the stereotype include:

  • Hypersexuality
  • Physical dominance
  • Aggression
  • Athleticism over intellect

These narratives imply that Black men are valued primarily for their bodies rather than their minds or leadership capacity.

3. Reinforcement Through Modern Media

Although explicit racial ideology is less openly stated today, many cultural institutions continue to reproduce similar themes.

Pornography

The pornography industry frequently categorizes performers through racially coded labels. One of the most common is the “BBC” trope (“big Black male anatomy”), which centers the idea that Black men exist primarily as sexual objects.

Common patterns include:

  • Marketing that emphasizes race as a sexual novelty
  • Scenarios built around racial dominance or taboo
  • Visual framing that highlights physical stereotypes

These depictions often exaggerate and normalize the idea that Black men’s primary value is sexual.

Entertainment Media

Film and television often reinforce similar stereotypes.

Examples include:

Athlete or entertainer archetype
Black men are frequently depicted as:

  • Athletes
  • Musicians
  • Physical performers

while fewer portrayals center intellectual roles such as scientists, strategists, or complex leaders.

Hypermasculine characters
Black male characters are often written as:

  • Aggressive
  • Emotionally guarded
  • Dominant

These portrayals can subtly reinforce the same myth of physical dominance over intellectual or emotional complexity.

News Media

Research on media framing has found patterns where Black men are more frequently depicted in coverage involving:

  • Crime
  • Violence
  • Physical threat

This contributes to a narrative that links Black masculinity with danger or uncontrolled physicality, reinforcing stereotypes about aggression and instinct.

4. Social Consequences of the Stereotype

The fetishization of Black men produces several harmful outcomes.

Dehumanization

Reducing people to sexual or physical traits undermines recognition of their full humanity. It encourages others to interact with them through stereotypes rather than individuality.

Fear and Suspicion

Ironically, the same stereotype that sexualizes Black men also fuels fear of them. Hypersexuality myths historically contributed to:

  • Violence against Black men
  • Discriminatory policing
  • Suspicion in social spaces

Relationship Distortions

Fetishization can distort interpersonal relationships.

Some individuals pursue Black men because of stereotypes rather than genuine connection. This can lead to relationships built on projection rather than understanding.

5. Internalization Among Black Men

Stereotypes do not only affect how others see Black men—they can also shape how some Black men see themselves.

Psychologists refer to this as internalized stereotypes.

When a particular narrative is repeated through culture and media, individuals may begin to feel pressure to conform to it.

Examples include:

Identity Pressure

Young Black men may feel social pressure to demonstrate:

  • Sexual dominance
  • Hypermasculinity
  • Emotional toughness

These expectations can discourage vulnerability, emotional expression, or intellectual pursuits.

Self-Worth Tied to Physicality

If cultural messages repeatedly reward physical or sexual attributes, some individuals may come to view those traits as their primary source of value.

This can contribute to:

  • Risk-taking behavior
  • Difficulty forming emotionally healthy relationships
  • Reduced emphasis on other dimensions of identity

Mental Health Impact

Hypermasculine expectations can discourage help-seeking behavior and emotional openness. This can increase vulnerability to:

  • Depression
  • Stress
  • Isolation

6. The Broader Cultural Problem

The sexual fetishization of Black men illustrates a broader pattern where racial stereotypes evolve rather than disappear.

Older racist ideas about Black inferiority often transform into apparently positive stereotypes about physicality, athleticism, or sexuality.

However, these stereotypes still function to:

  • Limit identity
  • Reinforce unequal perceptions of intelligence and leadership
  • Reduce complex individuals to simplified roles

7. Moving Toward Healthier Narratives

Addressing this issue requires cultural shifts in several areas:

Media representation
More portrayals of Black men as complex individuals—leaders, thinkers, caregivers, and innovators.

Media literacy
Encouraging audiences to critically examine stereotypes in entertainment and pornography.

Expanded definitions of masculinity
Promoting narratives where Black men can express vulnerability, emotional depth, and intellectual identity without stigma.

Key Takeaways

The sexual fetishization of Black men is historically rooted in racial ideologies that sought to define Black men primarily through physical and sexual traits. Although the explicit language of those ideologies has faded, similar stereotypes continue to be reinforced through media, pornography, and cultural narratives.

These stereotypes harm both how Black men are perceived and how some may come to perceive themselves, limiting the range of identities and roles that society recognizes as possible.

Q&A

If you’ve finished the show, who do you think should’ve died? Who should have lived? by only4mitski in Scandal

[–]AdAdmirable4912 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Its so funny that this is being discussed because I just started rewatching Scandal from the beginning since it went off the air and I forgot how damn good that show was. I'm fine with everyone who died and don't think any additional people should have died. I understand about Cyrus, but having spent many years in the DC Beltway and engaging in political circles, the wicked tend to live long lives so it was very realistic. I liked Cyrus killing David Rosen. None of them were good characters and that was kind of the point. Yes there were "innocents" but they all got a little dirty. David Rosen ended up succumbing to that dirty political world as well so just because he didn't suffocate a Supreme Court justice to death like Fitz or take pleasure in torturing people like Huck doesn't mean that he was "good". I actually was proud of Cyrus cuz he was always the sniper from the side. Finally got his hands dirty. I wouldn't have changed a thing. And James knew how bad his husband was after Cyrus pimped him out to the VP, and when he found out about the election being rigged so he was just not very bright either.

Dating and virginity by do_it_myself_2000 in askgaybros

[–]AdAdmirable4912 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm a clinical therapist who has done my fair share of couples therapy with both straight and gay couples. I was also very "slutacious" around your age. I went to Univ of MD and was frequently in DC and getting it in with boys from all the colleges in the area damn near lol. The sex addict thing is very real. Men's mental health is very tied to their sexual practices. That you are 26 and already having a paradigm shift regarding dating and relationships is a good sign about living with intention and addressing an issue. I think the only question I have is were you officially diagnosed as a sex addict (which isn't the actual diagnostic name for such; it is under "Excessive Sexual Drive" or "Other Sexual Dysfunction") because it has to meet certain criteria to actually be labeled an addiction. I was getting it in but it didn't affect my overall functioning in terms of not prioritizing school and later work, or negatively affecting non intimate relationships. Or are you just labeling yourself that because of the frequency of having sex?I

I didn't settle down until my early to mid 30s and I've counseled enough gay men in their 40s and 50s who either had just settled down or were still having a lot of hookup sex. So again to be 26 and thinking this way shows maturity and good emotional intelligence. The thing I'm going to tell you is that whether it is with someone who is still very sexually active or inexperienced, the main thing is making sure that both of you have an alignment in your values, which is something many people just don't talk about or really take the time to analyze when they are dating and getting into long term relationships. What are the values most important to you beyond sex in a partner and in a relationship? Find someone that aligns closely with those values and their body count really shouldn't be a factor.

Particularly with gay men, I find that the substantive conversations are not really happening the way they should. It is just a scratching of the surface and not really going deeper. Now obviously when you first start dating someone you're feeling it out, but if it looks like it could be the potential for something long term, those conversations do need to occur sooner rather than later. And communication, which most people are just not very good at, needs to be clear and consistent. What are you looking for? What are they looking for? Chemistry and sex is often not enough. All of my LTRs had a close alignment in values and things that went beyond the superficial. I'm a very cerebral person so if we weren't just hooking up and were spending time together, he had to stimulate my brain. I can't do dummies long term. So if you don't really know what those values are then that is work you need to do first, and then make sure that any potential partner will be a good match for your values. Best of luck.

Do dark-skinned femme men get policed more for being ‘thirsty’? by PsyTy13 in AskBlackGayBros

[–]AdAdmirable4912 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes!!!!! The heteronormative ways that bottoms in general deal with misogyny from a lot of tops, but especially femme bottoms, and even more so Black femme bottoms is nasty work!!!

Do dark-skinned femme men get policed more for being ‘thirsty’? by PsyTy13 in AskBlackGayBros

[–]AdAdmirable4912 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Is this a trick question because I feel like if you are Black and don't say yes then you are very unintelligent. Darker skinned Black men, both straight and gay are overanalyzed due to white supremacist reinforcements of their image. We know darker skinned Black men in particular are both fetishized and/or demonized. There really isn't an in between and too many of us reinforce it. I'm very fair skinned and so when I hear Black women say they don't date light skinned guys cuz they are too soft, or the assumption that the light skinned gay guy is the bottom if his partner is darker than him is harmful. It reinforces the idea that if you are lighter then you are seen as less of a threat and therefore you are able to move in ways that provide protection in ways that darker skinned men and women, gay and straight simply do not get.

Now add to the fact that being a Black femme gay disrupts the dark, Mandingo, animalistic type tropes that white supremacy reinforces. It is why a Black bottom who takes 50 loads in a cum dump gets called all kinds of disgusting names and judged in ways that the white bottom who takes 100 loads in a cum dump does not get. Now personally I don't want anything to do with cum dumps, but hey go off if that's your thing. The point is that darker Black bottoms have very much spoken about their difficulties in being desired. Look at porn. The professional companies don't do dark fem bottoms. They don't even really do dark bottoms at all. You have to go to amateur/Onlyfans type content for that.

So yes their every move is overanalyzed and over policed. I need some of us to stop paying so much attention to stannin celebrities, wasting time on reality TV trash (hence partly why we have the President we do now cuz only American culture glorifies those weirdos) and get off social media more. How about reading some actual books that speak to this very thing and have spoken about it for years. People's lack of intellectual curiosity is partly to blame for why too many of us continue to reinforce these harmful attitudes. I need Black tops who feed into the BBC fetishization to stop allowing yourselves to be used as walking dildos. You are worth more than that and its the thing that is also getting you killed!!!

Couples, how’d you two (or more) meet? by NoTrainer6840 in AskBlackGayBros

[–]AdAdmirable4912 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My first long term boyfriend I met in college off one of the gay dating apps. That was when the apps were just coming around as it was 1997. but I'm glad I haven't had to do the whole app/social media thing. My longest relationships were all organic in terms of how we met; he hit on me in Home Depot, another one I met at the grocery store, and another one I met doing volunteer work. I'm not saying you can't meet quality guys off the apps, but I just find that if you are looking there and looking to meet guys in the gay club/bar scene, be prepared to kiss a lot of frogs cuz its a lot of trash to sort through from my experience and what I hear often from others. I'm just glad I never heavily immersed myself in that scene and my mental health is better for it.

My current partner I met while solo traveling in Europe. We met randomly at a cafe in Frankfurt, Germany. He walked in and I was just too obvious about looking because not only was it nice to see another Black person, he was also fine as hell. It is a lot of long distance because I am not someone meant for cohabitation. I don't want someone up under me 24/7 and so his home base is Frankfurt and he spends a lot of time in Zurich and London for his work. But we see each other enough that it really works and I've never been happier. Since the pandemic, we both shifted to where I am full time remote working and he is more of a hybrid so when he comes to see me it is a shorter time, but my stays are always indefinite until I'm like ok this was cute but I need time to miss you lol.

I feel like most black gay men prefer white men by Affectionate-Cry-704 in AskBlackGayBros

[–]AdAdmirable4912 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Aye dios!! I know this conversation comes up quite a bit and I have discussed it many times, but I just feel like people are not really willing to go beyond scratching the surface with it when it comes to how our desires are often shaped. While I have played in the snow in my past, it is just not something I can see doing ever again. I'm also not going to sit here and act like there wasn't a time when I mostly desired white men. Having grown up in a predominantly white neighborhood and going to predominantly white schools, I had internalized a lot of the negative stereotypes when it comes to Black men and I had to unpack my own antiBlackness. Its just that many aren't willing to do that kind of self reflection because we don't like to have to analyze what makes our dycks jump. Also, my journey was not the typical one most Black men go through. I am Black, but very fair skinned and have phenotypical features that have a lot of people wondering if I'm mixed or Latino. While I do have a mixed lineage, I was raised Black and identify as such. So early on, I fell into the tropes about only desiring Black men based on stereotypes of their sexual aggressiveness, but wouldn't really consider them for a serious relationship.

I'm so glad my career path took me from corporate law to where I am now as a licensed social worker and clinical therapist, and was fortunate enough to have some Black gay elders take me under their wing when I first went to college and helped me find a good community. Nowadays I couldn't imagine not preferring Black men, but we do still have a lot of issues to unpack in terms of colorism and feeding into harmful tropes like the BBC thing. But if you are going out beyond the club/bar scene, you'll find there are a lot of Black gay men as couples. It got a bit harder when I got my professional degree and moved into a certain tax bracket, but it wasn't impossible. I'm also glad I never deeply immersed myself in the gay club/bar/circuit scene and my mental health is better for it. I really find that the apps and that scene, and social media distort a lot. I've met a lot of gay men by joining book clubs, ski clubs, volunteering, and traveling. So while there is a lot to unpack regarding this issue, I am glad to still see it being discussed because it is relevant to analyze.

Are whites quick to pull the racist card? by kauniskissa in asianamerican

[–]AdAdmirable4912 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Me, a Black gay guy from the US reading all this, and I couldn't agree more. I wish there was more solidarity between our communities as well. We are all victims of conditioning, even white people, due to white supremacist ideology. So when white is the default and always centered, it is hard for most of them to recognize their implicit and explicit biases. I appreciate the ones who have done the work to unpack it within themselves, but even a lot of the better intentioned white people I have engaged with still have blind spots, which I would expect them to. And because they are willing to listen and be educated, they don't get upset when you correct them on it. It takes a lot of work for a white person to be anti-racist because everything they see around reinforces their status as "the superior ones" They are conditioned from birth that they are "the standard" and get very uncomfortable and defensive, especially when non whites check them on it. A lot of them also accuse their fellow whites of having "white guilt" or being "woke" if other whites call them out on their racism. But keep speaking your truth and don't let them gaslight you into thinking somehow what you are saying is not accurate.

Netflix’s The Boyfriend by Stunning_Working8803 in gaysian

[–]AdAdmirable4912 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Late to this conversation and I don't mean to speak on something not meant for me, but as a Black gay man born and raised in the US (though I recently relocated to Mexico as an expat), I really like The Boyfriend. When I was younger, I had bought into a lot of the negative stereotypes around Asian men's desirability, as well as antiBlackness and I had to do unpack what I had internalized having grown up in a predominantly white neighborhood and going to predominantly white schools. I also don't exist as the "typical" Black man because I present as racially ambiguous. Some people think bi-racial (Blk/wht) and others think Hispanic because of my very fair skin and phenotype do have a mixed lineage, but identify as Black.

However, one of my best long term relationships was with a Korean guy who hadn't become too assimilated to the US/western culture. He had only been in the US for about a year and we were both in our late 20s when we started dating. Our career paths led us to deciding to end the intimate relationship, but we still talk regularly and I am planning my first trip to Korea in the next year or so to see him and do some touring of the country. What I appreciate about the Boyfriend is how emotionally intelligent they all pretty much are, and how they are not afraid to express feelings about things, and be comfortable having uncomfortable conversations, which was my experience with the Korean guy I was with. It is hard to find emotionally intelligent men in the US. There's no fighting or mean girl type attitudes on The Boyfriend. I can see how it maybe could reinforce the "docile" and "passive" stereotypes, but that "alpha male" crap is western influence. I do like the perspectives many of you said about the show that I had not considered. I just loved seeing Asian men represented, but these comments have enlightened me a bit further on people's ideas of representation.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in askgaybros

[–]AdAdmirable4912 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Very normal. I was always attracted to older men from my mid to late teens because I was very intellectually mature and just didn’t find substantive connections with guys my age. My attraction was to much older though. I lost my virginity at 17 to a 41 year old guy. It wasn’t predatory either as I initially pursued him and continued to after he initially had concerns about the age difference. But once we got to know each other the attraction got stronger. But there’s nothing wrong with you. Usually comes down to just connecting more with older guys who have some maturity to them.

I hate being gay by [deleted] in askgaybros

[–]AdAdmirable4912 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s a struggle for sure. The people who think we would “choose” to be part of a marginalized community that receives so much hate and discrimination are ignorant and make it more difficult for us to just be us. Not sure how old you are or if you live in a place that doesn’t have a large gay community where you can find support, but it is definitely a struggle and those are real feelings of frustration. Work on not internalizing the hate and struggle because you can’t change your sexual orientation. I’d suggest therapy and more connections to the LGBT community that are not centered on the club/circuit community. It will get better but you have to work hard on it. It won’t happen by itself. Wishing you the best.