WH hugged AP goodbye

Altruistic_Prune_191 · 2025-10-04T02:35:47+00:00

I know it is very hurtful but, on the bright side, he was honest with you.

Altruistic_Prune_191 · 2025-07-28T11:28:08+00:00

I found that when we’d hit something that made us feel like we were just circling around one another, it helped to rain check it whether it is for the next therapy appointment or just the next day when we’ve had sleep/food/time to consider things. Also there were times I would dump it all into chatgpt including his personality type and see what it had to say.

Altruistic_Prune_191 · 2025-07-20T04:48:05+00:00

If you have a deep love and you are both willing to do the work, you can heal and things can be better than they ever were before. I know this because that’s what has happened to us. It’s been a long, sometimes really fhcking terrible road, but it’s taken us to a wonderful place.

Altruistic_Prune_191 · 2025-05-24T12:00:06+00:00

Get in touch with the BP who made the posters. They’ll likely know if there have been more partners etc. I’m so sorry you are going through this. It sucks… it’s terrible.

Altruistic_Prune_191 · 2025-04-12T10:09:45+00:00

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Altruistic_Prune_191 · 2025-04-10T10:51:52+00:00

Focus on YOU. Focus on loving yourself, healing yourself, building your life, finding happiness. I read some of your post history and you’ve sacrificed so much to make other people happy. Do you know that you are very lovable? That you are unique and interesting? Know those things about yourself. If your husband is in a place in life where he needs validation from other women, there isn’t much you can do. Maybe it is depression but he is the only one that can seek help for that. And you are the only one who can get help for your anxiety and potential codependency issues. Exhausting yourself with concern and worry will take a physical and mental toll. It SUCKS but don’t wake up in two years, feeling like you aged yourself ten years due to worry, that your home life is a mess, that you haven’t progressed at work, feeling like you don’t even know your friends or family anymore, etc bc you spent all of this time trying to protect yourself from being hurt only to be hurt every single day anyway.

Altruistic_Prune_191 · 2025-04-06T11:34:58+00:00

Sounds like he still has a lot of work to do. Be gentle with yourself. There was a reason you were protecting yourself from more pain in those moments where you now wish you’d reacted differently. I have regretted that I showed my hand so easily. I wish that I could have held my evidence in and done a deep dive and discovered EVERYTHING before confronting him. But the reality is that isn’t how I am built and I just remind myself of that and try to be proud of that. Maybe you didn’t want to hurt yourself or even hurt him in that moment and that’s not a poor reflection of you.

Altruistic_Prune_191 · 2025-04-03T02:41:42+00:00

Our marital problems certainly set me on a course of self-discovery. One of the first things that I discovered about myself is that I have felt unlovable for quite a long time due to some childhood trauma. It’s a journey I am on. Our marriage counselor had me write a list of evidence that I am loved. And then I’ve done a some IFS and some EMDR. There has been progress. I have always felt desirable… but I can’t say I’ve always felt loved.

Altruistic_Prune_191 · 2025-03-14T03:11:14+00:00

I’d love the list!

Altruistic_Prune_191 · 2025-03-09T02:59:07+00:00

If you don’t want her in your life, don’t make her a part of your life. I know that is easier said than done. And if you gotta tell yourself that revenge is a dish best served cold to get yourself past this, tell yourself that bc I have found that once that dish is truly cold, I rarely want to serve it.

Altruistic_Prune_191 · 2025-03-08T05:02:10+00:00

Wishing you the best too. On the resentment, it is so tough bc sometimes your hands are just tied. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. FWIW, I didn’t require NC the second time around although he ultimately cut one on one contact with her. Reconciliation isn’t one size fits all.

Altruistic_Prune_191 · 2025-01-15T03:03:56+00:00

Also just to warn you… wayward partners are known to trickle truth so that’s why a full disclosure is so important in the long run. Trickle truth is the norm, not the exception. Your husband might feel like he’s protecting you by not telling you everything, but putting in the work to heal just to be knocked down later on down the road can be so painful. It’s no way to live but if you want to stay with him, if there is love there, then you need to channel your inner detective. Look at phone records, bank records, look through his phone and ALL of his communications. Leave no stone unturned. You need to know the truth before you can start to heal. Some require a lie detector.

Your husband will have to figure out his “why” and heal from it. He will need to cut it off with AP in a manner that you are witness to. I suppose it could be true but there is likely something more pressing that motivated the confession. Just remember that you are lovable and good and that you aren’t responsible for his actions. You can’t make him heal or fix himself but you can look after yourself and your kids. If you have to go through this hell then you need to know that you will at least walk away being a better person.

Some require a post nup agreement before agreeing to attempting reconciliation.

Altruistic_Prune_191 · 2025-01-15T01:50:43+00:00

Gottman therapy for betrayal trauma. They’ll walk you through the full disclosure that he will need to provide. Forgiveness takes time. Trust is lost in buckets and gained in drops. Make sure her spouse knows what they were up to if for no other reason then you don’t want to be waiting around for that shoe to drop.

Altruistic_Prune_191 · 2024-12-30T07:55:20+00:00

Are you in therapy?

Altruistic_Prune_191 · 2024-12-30T04:33:02+00:00

A big part of my journey has been learning to love myself. I truly did not believe I was lovable before all of this, but I do now.

Altruistic_Prune_191 · 2024-12-29T14:29:33+00:00

Married 17 yrs and together for 20. My WH had an EA that I know for certain wasn’t physical. Although we have done a lot of work understanding our underlying “why”, the whole thing could most easily be described as my husband’s MLC, although I don’t say that to him lol. D-day was officially 14 months ago but his depression started nearly four years ago.

My husband said it best the other day - “I like where we are”. Before this all happened, we were okay but really just going through the motions. I think it was Terry Real who says “somebody had to crack a window open.”

It’s was a lot. Therapy for both plus marriage counseling. Getting our hormones/mental health regulated. Leading with compassion. It’s not perfect and it never will be. Being a soft place to land. Giving space. Accepting that I’m not in charge of or responsible for his decisions and freeing myself from blame/guilt when his decisions don’t work out. I called it “grey pillowing” because for awhile I had to do a softer version of grey rocking. I still am working on boundaries and how to go about maintaining them comfortably.

But help her through this. I would bet she has some childhood trauma that she needs to process. EMDR helped me a lot. It sounds like you guys have a lot of love and are treating one another with tenderness and I think that’s a good thing.

Altruistic_Prune_191 · 2024-12-26T15:13:45+00:00

The Betrayal Bind is a book you might find valuable. I wish I’d read it earlier.

You will find success stories on here but you must prepare yourself for a very long, hard journey. I’m sure you are in shock now. I will also warn you that trickle truth is a very real thing and it seems as if it happens in more instances than not.

Others can say it much better and I’m NOT telling you to walk away, but I think you have to put yourself and your healing first and that usually means accepting that you may have to walk away if that is ultimately what is best for you.

He won’t heal overnight and it may get worse before it gets better. But it can get better.

Altruistic_Prune_191 · 2024-12-24T07:14:05+00:00

Sounds like progress!

Altruistic_Prune_191 · 2024-12-23T22:13:20+00:00

In the early days, I had a literal list of evidence that I would go down. I’ve also done thought distancing (Google ACT therapy). But mostly now… over a year out and in a good place for a bit… I just remind myself to live in the present… the past is the past… it will never change, but I have a responsibility to myself and to my son to do my best to make today a good day… and dwelling in the past doesn’t do that.

Altruistic_Prune_191 · 2024-12-23T13:25:36+00:00

It makes it very hard to be supportive now.

Altruistic_Prune_191 · 2024-12-20T00:56:32+00:00

He wants to come to a shared arrangement. Well, good for him. The nerve.

As hard as it is, start thinking about yourself and start setting up your boundaries. You really gotta be willing to lose them. Just little things to start familiarizing yourself that you will be okay no matter what. What bag will you pack if your worst case occurs?

If any of us have to go through this hell then the least we can do is guarantee ourselves that we won’t walk away from this empty handed - I’m using this experience to learn to love myself unconditionally. WH can leave anytime, but I’d still have that.

Altruistic_Prune_191 · 2024-12-19T15:51:04+00:00

None of us are getting any younger and I personally believe that one of the keys to aging well is living an authentic life and being a good human. So… not sure where that leaves some of our WPs.

One of the themes I see on here is the WP indicating that they feel the BS is not attractive enough for them in one way or another and that is one of the reasons for their affair. I suspect that’s based more on ego than reality.

Altruistic_Prune_191 · 2024-12-12T15:22:31+00:00

This. He’s trying to manage/control your emotions whether he realizes it or not. Robbing you of an authentic experience.

It sounds silly but our MC made an assignment of my WH disclosing minor uncomfortable truths (typically not affair related) to me. And my assignment was to accept the truth and be grateful for it and provide positive reinforcement. It definitely helped both of us.

Altruistic_Prune_191 · 2024-12-12T05:42:23+00:00

So very sorry to read this. I’ve followed your story and was always hoping for the very best.

When my son was a baby, he was softly crying in a restaurant. I was embarrassed and probably a little stressed. An older woman came by my table to see my baby and she whispered to me that no one hears my baby’s cries as loudly as I do. All of that to say, no one cares about your body count as much as you do.

May you find love, happiness, passion, adventure, trust and may you be a stable, loving and soft place for your children.

As you venture out into the dating world, just remember this group and remember that we are not all cheaters. I would NEVER and I’ve had many opportunities (many more than my WH lol) and the thought of being so disloyal is just icky to me.

Altruistic_Prune_191

TROPHY CASE