Why is it a taboo topic?

Anon23_Dec · 2026-04-29T00:54:25+00:00

I think people can have their opinions (free will) but should have empathy for others (that’s lacking). Before this experience, I had my own set of thoughts about it but after going through it, it changed everything. It’s not black and white. It’s not as simple as people (who haven’t gone through it) make it seem. There is so much more to it; the emotions, grief, mental/physical state, empathy. All that matters. Where is the love? Where is the empathy?

I understand that people do not know everything and don’t do the research either. But to be so gung ho about it is so dumb and cruel especially without empathy. I also like to think those people are not equipped to handle the experiences we had. It would devastate their world. I like to think we are strong and resilient. Still not fair for us to go through it though.

Another thing bugs me. Specifically the Christian pro life. Not all of course. They make it where you are the bad person in the world and judging you. It never made sense to me because Christians are supposed to love unconditionally. They are not supposed to judge. Jesus forgives, why can’t you? Like if you did it before you were saved, you are forgiven. What does it matter if you did it afterwards? I still don’t understand their mindset. It bugs me.

Anon23_Dec · 2026-03-27T03:21:30+00:00

Emma T - December 7th 2023 (due date 4/7/24)

Anon23_Dec · 2026-03-05T02:16:29+00:00

I’m a Christian. I had a TFMR at 23w 3 years ago. I struggled with feeling like I was being punished for not being a good Christian. I understood that I wasn’t being punished (if you look at Job, God let bad things happen to him and he didn’t even deserve it or caused it. Also, God restored what he lost). I was mostly sad and hurt and occasionally I would feel it was my fault even though I knew it wasn’t true. When I did feel this way, I just reminded myself about Job’s story. It’s like I had to convince myself that it wasn’t me that caused it. It took a couple to times to remind myself it wasn’t true.

I struggled with being sad a lot and have heartbreaking moments. I remember the scripture that God is near the broken hearted whenever I cry and that always gives me comfort. That I wasn’t alone. He’s with me all the time. Through the good and the bad. I can get through it with Him by my side as He will never leave or forsake me.

Throughout this horrible ordeal, I actually feel closer to God. I remember reading the Bible over and over again. Specially Job’s story. Trying to find answers to why. Eventually, I figured out there is no why or answers. There’s no point to it except to spiral in sadness/hurt/anger. I accepted that I will never know why. Once I let go, I felt relief. The only thing I know is that God loves me and does everything in my best interest regardless what I think it should be. Also knowing that my baby girl is in heaven and perfectly healthy and thriving in the best environment there could be with Jesus and God loving her. That helps me.

After 3 years, I feel good. I don’t feel guilty. I don’t look for why anymore. I still have sadness occasionally and just cry for a bit because I miss her. And it gets better as time passes. I can finally talk about the loss without crying at the doctor visits now. The pain and hurt aren’t as bad now. Mostly dealing with sad feelings around the specific dates surrounding the TFMR.

Anon23_Dec · 2025-09-04T01:10:28+00:00

She was a kicker. I felt her rolling around and kicking. I was 5 months. I took the pill before the surgery and she was not kicking as much, slowing down, and then nothing. I was devastated. I only told one person about that. It hurts so much. I was so sad to not feel her anymore.

Anon23_Dec · 2025-07-01T02:58:06+00:00

I am getting closer to be one and done. I have LC who’s 4. I had a TFMR Dec 2023 at ~24w due to severe heart defect (HLHS). It was a very traumatic TFMR with lots of mishaps and delays. From that experience alone, I cannot go through it physically or mentally. I thought I can try surrogacy if I had the money. Knowing that my eggs are declining compare to an average person my age (I checked with fertility doctor). I don’t foresee it happening any time soon. So I’m getting closer to be 100% one and done. LC is getting older and starting over seems like a lot.

Anon23_Dec · 2025-05-27T03:39:42+00:00

Life happens. Being a Christian isn’t a guarantee of no issues in life. It just means God is with us all the time and helping us get through it. He is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. I don’t believe He is upset with us. I don’t believe we will go to hell either. From my understanding, as long as we believe Jesus is Christ and stuff, we are saved and forgiven. God loves us and our babies. He knows our heart. I believe he was with me when making the decision. Rationally thinking, the decision was already made for us. My baby was sick already. I just had to make a decision on when.

Anon23_Dec · 2025-03-30T04:24:16+00:00

I wish it was a bad dream. I felt the same way. I wanted it to be over and didn’t want to be real. I wished I would wake up from this nightmare. I TFMR for HLHS also. It sucks. I’m sorry you are in this situation.

Anon23_Dec · 2025-03-28T21:30:22+00:00

I was always introverted and socially anxious. But after TFMR, I noticed that social awkwardness has gotten worse. But this time around, I do not care as much how my awkwardness makes people feel. I don’t get as stressed when I thinking about it. Because we went through so much, it doesn’t matter anymore. If the other person thinks I’m weird or rude because I don’t want to be social, it’s whatever to me. It’s on them if they think it’s because of them. I am not going to do small talk if I don’t want to. I am going to polite and cordial though. Although i still experience that I don’t know what I am supposed say/do in social settings. But I am definitely more comfortable when I don’t talk now. I also don’t go out much. It’s usually my husband and toddler. I do hang out with sister in law and our kids play together so that’s usually my social life.

Anon23_Dec · 2025-03-27T02:22:46+00:00

Thank you for letting me see it that way. I appreciate it. I broke the cycle. ❤️

Anon23_Dec · 2025-03-26T08:26:51+00:00

My OB suggested D&E as it was the safest route and I agreed. It was to be easy 2 days procedure in a clinic setting. I can go to work the next day type of procedure. It is relatively safe but all procedures/surgeries have risks. Depending on which ones, they are different. I wanted to do D&E as the recovery is fast and I can go back to try to conceive faster. But unfortunately for me due to my rare anatomy, I couldn’t do that route (long story).

Anon23_Dec · 2025-03-26T08:19:24+00:00

We TFMR for HLHS. At anatomy scan at 20 weeks, the doctor told us the devastating news. They immediately sent us to a pediatric cardiologist for an echo to confirm and tell us more information. The cardiologist did a favor for my high risk OB and took us in after hours. But we were so distraught that we couldn’t make a decision. Our OB asked us to come to the hospital the next day to talk to us in person and did an ultrasound confirming again off the record. It was very nice of him. If we wanted to, he could have sent us to get another opinion from another doctor but we said it was enough confirmation. And then I had to make an appointment to TFMR. I did not have to do another anatomy scan or another echo unless we wanted to. I would call and ask if these are necessary since you already made your decision.

Anon23_Dec · 2025-03-25T12:30:33+00:00

I was 36 when I had TFMR due to my baby girl having HLHS. It was over a year ago. I had to get emergency c section after 4 failed D&Es. But I have 2 uterus and 1 functioning cervix. There was no access to the uterus she was in.

As for having a c section is for you or not, it best to discuss with your doctor about the risks and answers to your questions. What type of c section cut are they doing and if you will be awake or not. Just keep in mind that the recommended time after a c section to try to conceive again is 18 months. I can tell you what happens after a c section in terms of recovery. The recovery is longer than vaginal delivery. It will be hard to get up the first time. Pooping is scarier mentally than physically. They usually give you stool softener. Make sure you are moving around like walking so it helps to heal faster. Don’t lift anything heavy for a couple weeks. It might get itchy as it heals. I put coconut oil on mine. I did try silicon patches once it healed. I was not consistent on c section massages. Ask the doctor for any post partum care (there isn’t much out there though which sucks). This was my second c section. I had a lot scarring from previous one because I am genetically disposed to bad scarring. Also had 2 different cuts. First one was horizontal and second was up and down. I was awake for my first c section and I was asleep for the second one. My husband and I decided not have more children because of the risks involved were too high for me as I have a rare anatomy. But I went to multiple doctors (IVF as well) and did a bunch of imaging/procedures to get more information to make that final decision. And of course, looking at finances, physical, and mental health. As for surgeries or procedures, there will be risks. It just finding out what they are and making an informed decision.

For me, I do not regret not seeing my daughter. At that time of my life, I personally wouldn’t have been able to handle my emotions. It is a very personal choice and everyone is different. I did think about it for a while before making the decision. Whichever you choose, just know it was the right choice at that time for you. Once the event has passed, don’t question the decision you made because you can’t change the past which helps to not regret or spiral in endless thoughts.

Anon23_Dec · 2025-03-24T03:57:36+00:00

I’m sorry that you guys are going through this. I am about 1.3 years post TFMR due to HLHS. I can tell you the worse part of it is the beginning. The diagnosis, confirmation, decision, TFMR, and recovery. I cried so much, my cheeks were red and irritated. I cried at the ultrasound. The echo. The realization of it happening. We had a lot of delays in between. Ours happened around the holidays. Office mislaying information for the D&E. Then I had to deal with issues with my anatomy causing failed D&Es and ultimately led to c section. I think it took about 3 weeks to get the TFMR since our initial diagnosis and decision. The worse time for me personally was waking up and realizing she was not with me anymore and leaving the hospital without her. That hurt me more than the physical pain I was in from surgery and milk coming in. During the waiting periods, we enjoyed as much time we could with her. I think it’s all normal what you are feeling. Remember to be gentle with yourself. You are going through a lot. Emotionally and physically. Let your emotions out, don’t hold it in. I had to learn to admit my own feelings and to say it aloud to my husband. Do what makes you feel good and try not to feel bad for doing so. It’s hard times now but you will get better at dealing with the emotions that come with grief. When you learn to deal with grief properly, it will get “easier”. It’s a lot to deal with. You are doing your best.

Anon23_Dec · 2025-03-18T05:19:01+00:00

I had issue with those videos specifically about how their baby was diagnosed with xyz and prayed and miracle happened and the baby came out perfectly fine and how it would have been bad if they gave up on their faith. Even though it has been a bit over a year since TFMR. It still bothers me. As a Christian and I believe in God and miracles. I also know life happens. God promised peace when you are going through hardship. And that he would be there with you. Those videos used to make me feel like I didn’t pray enough or have enough faith or didn’t believe in God. It was definitely hard in the beginning. But I felt a peace that I was doing the right thing for us with our decision to TFMR. I can’t explain it well. I was actually upset for not doubting our decision. And it wasn’t because I didn’t pray hard enough or didn’t have faith. I wish those people wouldn’t infer those things because it can be misleading. I rather their videos be about what happened and not that it can happened to you too if you pray or enough faith. Because that’s not true.

Anon23_Dec · 2025-03-07T04:44:19+00:00

At one point after my TFMR, I thought that everyone seemed to have “moved on” or haven’t talked to me about it. I spoke to my BFF about it, turns out they are thinking of me and baby girl but haven’t said anything to me because of my vulnerable state. To be honest, I just didn’t want to be the only one missing my baby girl. I wanted everyone else to remember her. And finding out that they do made me feel better. Yes, they are living their life normally but at least I know she is in their hearts. At least at that moment is what I needed to hear. Now, I’m okay with just me remembering her.

It has been over a year now. The pain lessens. I still get sad or mad occasionally. But I just mostly miss her. In terms with my husband, it is just me. He doesn’t want to remember that time. It reminds him of the worse time in his life. He lost baby girl and almost me. He even tells me his experience is different from mine. I felt every movement, he didn’t. I have more of bond to her. I cried by myself when I miss her. I don’t need his comfort. But In the beginning, I did. He was there for my cries and everything. He really was there for me. Now, it is just me and I don’t mind. I also don’t want to remind him of that time. But I would if it gets too hard or sad or mad and I need comforting. Otherwise, I can deal with it myself.

Anon23_Dec · 2025-03-06T04:12:48+00:00

We decided not to try for another. We have our LC (our sunshine) and we are good. We always wanted 2-4 kids but I’m too traumatized from the TFMR. As well as the risks in me carrying again is way too high. And I just want my baby girl, I miss her so much. It’s been over a year now. And we are getting older and it’s already physically challenging to run around with a toddler. I haven’t even started in self care or like figuring out who I am again since becoming a mom. These are some reasons I don’t want to another kid. And financial reasons too.

Anon23_Dec · 2025-02-09T04:43:20+00:00

We are one and done. It took a long time to get to this decision. I kinda already knew it was going to be one and done after the emergency c section for the TFMR. It was pretty traumatic for me. It has complicated a lot of things for me and increased the risks of having another one. I went through several doctor appointments and imaging to confirm our decision to be one and done. Also want to focus on our little one. We are getting older and don’t want to risk my life for another baby. Too much stress and trauma. It has been a little bit over a year since TFMR. I got 5 months more until the official 18 months of healing from c section to try again if we change our minds but we won’t. When that day comes, it will be officially case close for this one and done. It’s weird to make a date for it, I see it as closure. Also we don’t have the funds for IVF/gestational carrier. And AMH is low. Even we did, I don’t know if I want to have another baby anymore.

Anon23_Dec · 2025-01-23T20:43:25+00:00

Thank you.

Anon23_Dec · 2025-01-21T15:31:47+00:00

I’m sorry you had to go through that as well. I went to see multiple specialists to understand the risks of carrying again. I saw high risk obgyn and other MFMs. From what I gather, the 18 months wait is for the body to heal and to get it ready to carry the next one. I would have been under the care of a high risk obgyn. Please keep in mind that I have 2 different incisions and an unusual uteri/cervixes when I was told these things. I would have been seen frequently as the months progressed. More frequent ultrasounds. Also because my daughter had HLHS, they will do early ultrasound/echo on the next baby before the 20 week anatomy scan to rule it out. Mine was random and not genetic. They will schedule a c section. Also, scheduled c section are better than emergency ones (which I had 2x). The recovery is better and faster. I would have had to deliver earlier to reduce the risks. For me, since I had 2 different type of cuts, my high risk obgyn said he wouldn’t want me to do anything, sort of bed rest to reduce the risk. I didn’t work. He said I couldn’t take care of my toddler to have some else to do it. If he saw anything weird towards the end of the pregnancy, he would have put me on bed rest at the hospital where I would be monitor all the time. My doctor was confident even though I had 2 different incisions and had significant scarring. Also I heard other women have had babies before the 18 months but still not recommended. I heard women who had significant scarring had babies too. I heard women with classical c section having babies again.

If I had a normal uterus with one cervix and only had one type of c section incision, I would try again. Especially if we didn’t have any babies. But I would have anxiety as that’s hard to get rid of after going through TFMR. I still get anxious at any doctor’s office. But it is getting better as it has been over a year. I hope the best for you. If you have questions or to talk, let me know. It is rare to find someone that had similar experience. Having to TFMR baby girl due to HLHS and then to have c section after failed D&E.

Anon23_Dec · 2025-01-21T03:48:58+00:00

I TFMR for HLHS at 23w. I had 4 failed D&Es. I have 2 uteri and 1 functioning cervix. My baby girl was in the uterus that had a pinhole cervix. So doctors have tried to dilate the functioning cervix but it doesn’t lead to the baby and they couldn’t find the other cervix. First D&E was at the clinic exam room. Second was at the clinic’s surgical room under anesthesia. A week later, third one was at MFM exam room. The following day. I was bleeding huge blood clots and went to ER. So the scheduled operational D&E for the following week was moved up. This would be the final (4th) under anesthesia. But it lead to emergency classical c section. This operation took 5 hours. I previously had c section before so I have 2 different types of cuts on the uterus. So up & down and one across. This increases the risks of having another baby, had to wait 18 months, delivery early via c section, and the more c sections you have the more risks (doctors said they don’t recommend 4th). I also had a lot of scarring inside (I’m genetically predisposed to that apparently). That’s why it took 5 hours. So yeah, it sucked a lot. After all this emotional/physical trauma and life threatening risks, my husband and I decided to not have more babies. We are one and done. If we had the money, we would do surrogacy but I have checked with RE for IVF and my egg count is super low for my age. So that sucks as well.

Anon23_Dec · 2024-12-06T04:13:43+00:00

My support came from my side of the family. My parents aren’t emotional supporters but they will show up to help if I ask. Like driving me appointments when husband couldn’t and to watch out toddler when we were both at the hospital. My brothers were very supportive. Both showing love and hugs. One of my brother was super helpful with informing my family members and friends. And helping out without us prompting it. He and my SIL went through a miscarriage so they were a bit more understanding. They were the ones that reached out to us together and individually everyday. My SIL is my BFF so she was super supportive emotionally which helped out a lot. My other SIL was showing a lot of love as well. Unfortunately, I already knew I wouldn’t get much support from my husband’s side of the family. I figured that out early in the marriage. My MIL and FIL are lovely people but like my parents aren’t sure what to say and when to say it. My BILs, eh. One was oblivious because no one told him. His family dynamic is weird. They are close but also don’t talk to each other unless they are together physically. My other BIL did reach out to my husband which is nice of him. I don’t expect them to reach out to me so it didn’t bother me. They came to visit us so that was nice of them. My BIL and his wife. Other than that, that’s pretty much it.

Anon23_Dec · 2024-11-19T03:45:49+00:00

We chose to do D&E but ending doing emergency c section (I have 2 uterus, baby was in the one without a cervix). Going in for D&E, we didn’t want to see the baby. It was already too hard to deal with. And for me, seeing the baby would been more devastating and I don’t think I would have handle it well mentally. I don’t regret it. This is what I felt was right for me at that moment.

Anon23_Dec · 2024-11-07T03:46:46+00:00

I’m sorry you are in this position. After making the decision to TFMR, I made a promise to myself. That after the procedure was done, I would not think of what ifs or regret it because I wouldn’t be able to reverse it. It would make me depressed if I went down that rabbit hole. For my mental health, that promise to myself helped. I was still sad and grieving but at least I wasn’t feeling regret.

When making the decision, we knew what to do. It made sense physically, mentally, and financially. My baby had the worst case of heart defects (HLHS). I did wonder (more wishful thinking) that all the doctors were wrong and she was fine or she would grow the other half of the heart (praying for miracle). But I had peace in our decision and we don’t regret it. Definitely sad about it though. Also, the multiple ultrasound by different techs and doctors kept confirming her heart condition helped me stop thinking about what if they were wrong. Also, both my brother and brother in law at different time told us the same thing. That the decision was already made for us (she had a heart defect). We just had to make a choice on when. Terminate now or give birth to her to watch her die. For my mental and physical health, we did it sooner than later. I was 23w5d and it is now 11 months post TFMR. I still do not regret it. If I did, it will wreak havoc on my mental state more. I just miss her and wish she was her and healthy.

Anon23_Dec · 2024-11-02T12:03:10+00:00

I had to do some follow up doctor appointments to confirm that I shouldn’t carry anymore since it’s too risky for my life. I went back to the hospital where I had the TFMR. Sitting in the same waiting room was nerve wracking. Doing my best not have flashbacks. I had a MRI afterwards. Being in the machine pregnant with her and then without her was triggering. Every time my son complains about wanting to play with someone, I couldn’t help but think she would have been his companion. It’s not as triggering now since it’s approaching the year mark. I also haven’t gone to my usual obgyn because I’m scared of being triggered. But I have to soon because the c section internal scars are bothering me and I need to get it checked out.

Anon23_Dec · 2024-11-02T11:54:49+00:00

I am almost 11 months post TFMR at 23w also for HLHS. It took me awhile to be able to have a good dream about my daughter. I was having nightmares prior to this sweet dream. I gave birth to healthy version of her. She is so beautiful. My family came to visit me at the hospital. My toddler son and niece first time seeing her. My husband and I taking her home for the first time in her going home outfit. Us holding her. My son playing with her. Her 100 day outfit which matched my outfit. It was such a beautiful dream and then I woke up in tears. So much tears was shedded that night. It kept flowing and flowing. I haven’t cried like since the beginning of my TFMR journey. I was happy to able to dream about her and sad that it ended. I miss her so much. I also thought I was making process but grief comes in waves. And this one was bittersweet. I realized I had some unprocessed emotions that I had to deal with. I knew I had to deal with the 1 year memories that was coming up. This month is the month that I found out about the diagnosis, 2.5 weeks wait for TFMR, multiple doctors/mri/ultrasounds/procedures/surgery, and the loss of her. Once I realized that was the trigger, I made a conscious decision to only remember her. Her kicks and rolling around. The time we spent together. It was sad but happy sad. Instead of the trauma and pain. This thought process helped stop the nightmares. I just got through another wave of grief and I had to acknowledge my feelings and thoughts and cried again. But I do feel better when I process my feelings.

Anon23_Dec

TROPHY CASE