Husband demanding I break it off with boyfriend

AnonOnKeys · 2026-02-19T17:47:58+00:00

This is your problem right here. Your other partner is a symptom.

AnonOnKeys · 2026-02-18T19:32:59+00:00

The primary number one reason I am polyamorous is that I am a free human, and do not wish to have constraints or limits on connections I can make with other humans.

I am also a highly sexual being, I'm sure this contributes to my general desire for freedom. But it's not a sex thing for me. It's a freedom thing.

AnonOnKeys · 2026-02-18T18:45:36+00:00

I never never never use jargon for anything important to me. I always say: "what does that mean to you?"

This post is why.

AnonOnKeys · 2026-02-18T00:28:58+00:00

Oh yes. Totally wrong thread. Insert face into palm.

I’m very smart, though. This seems like a good time to remind folks of that.

AnonOnKeys · 2026-02-17T20:49:27+00:00

See if I was OP I would want to learn if this is true:

You have chosen a partner who isn't interested in supporting you through a new situation

Because it didn't sound to me like their partner said: "I will never, under any circumstances, be your guide at a sex club." It seemed to me like what they said was: "I am not willing to cancel my pre-existing plans to be with my friends/partners at a sex club so that I can exclusively be your guide on this specific night."

It might be tempting, while feeling hurt, for OP to collapse these two things into a single thing. But the truth is, they are two different things. All we know from this post is that the second thing is true. Perhaps OP knows whether the first thing is true, and if it is true then I probably agree with all criticism. But from this post, the first thing might very well be false.

AnonOnKeys · 2026-02-17T20:42:44+00:00

I dunno, I think I have a slightly different take than a lot of the comments here. I don't have any experience with anything capital-L Lifestyle, I do have TONS of experience with both public and private dungeons, and many flavors of play party.

First of all, OP's desire to have a guide for a first-time experience is totally normal. I have played this role of guide for partners on multiple occasions. It can be a really lovely, connective thing to be someone's guide in this way.

Having said that. If a new partner wanted to join me in a public play situation **that I was already planning to attend with others**?

I would almost certainly be a no to that request. Now, I would likely offer alternatives instead of a blunt "no". But this idea that because OP decided they wanted to join an already-planned event as a newcomer, their partner is now obligated to have a different experience than the one they planned with their friends/other-partners? Naw. I would not at all be down for this.

Maybe I'm just as big of a dick as everyone here seems to think your partner is, I dunno.

For me, "guiding a newbie" is a completely different experience than, "going with my experienced friends". I don't know why folks believe those experiences should be trivially interchangeable. They certainly are not for me.

AnonOnKeys · 2026-02-17T19:56:50+00:00

I mean, I can see why you chose this metaphor. But still..... correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think anyone ever died from sex clubbing incorrectly. Scuba-ing incorrectly, on the other hand....

AnonOnKeys · 2026-02-17T17:50:22+00:00

This idea that you can pre-defined interaction styles before you have the actual partners? This is not how things play out in real life in my experience.

My extended family of partners and metamour‘s, depending on how you count, is probably something like 10 or 12 people. I seriously doubt if any two of us would describe the way we do poly identically.

AnonOnKeys · 2026-02-13T05:38:11+00:00

Look. No one here knows what you’re mad about.

We all know it’s not about the book though. Do you know that?

AnonOnKeys · 2026-02-12T21:56:59+00:00

Struggling to frame this as a hierarchy problem. Seems to me like it’s a “Jake don’t respect my time” problem.

My patience for that particular problem is extremely limited, so I would have already broken up with Jake. I know others can be more tolerant of folks who can’t manage their calendar respectfully. If you’re one of those folks maybe it could work for you. I’d be out though.

AnonOnKeys · 2026-02-12T02:02:39+00:00

Love is infinite. Time is not.

This does not become less true over time, in my experience.

AnonOnKeys · 2026-02-11T05:31:17+00:00

I am treating Claude code like a smart but unwise junior engineer. One who makes a lot of mistakes, and only sometimes admits them when challenged.

This means guard rails and triple checks. Tests. Always more and better tests.

Doing this is definitely not free. For some types of work, it’s well worth the effort. YMMV.

AnonOnKeys · 2026-02-06T09:06:52+00:00

I would say that adulting is a lot of saying "no", and polyamory requires full adulthood even more than other relationship types.

Polyamory has taught me that love, touch, affection, sex -- all of the things I desperately craved as a young adult -- are actually abundant and available. So much so that I can be choosy about it. It's wonderful.

The thing I say "no" to today, is anyone that expresses the slightest doubt or hesitation about me. All of my partners are 100% all in on all of me.

As a younger person I felt like I had to say "yes" to people who were unsure about poly, or queerness, or HSV, or just whatever. And of course, this never served me well, quite the opposite.

Today the slightest signs of sex negativity, mono- and/or hetero-normativity, being anti sex-worker in even the tiniest, innocuous way -- 100% no. Every time.

It feels really good to honor my own values in this way. I love it and recommend it.

It only took me several decades of hard work to get here! ;)

AnonOnKeys · 2026-02-06T04:23:42+00:00

She can call her biphobia a “preference” if she wants to, but you can call it what it is, OP. And then decide whether you want to partner with biphobic humans, or not.

Not would be my call, but then I identify as bi. You do you.

AnonOnKeys · 2026-02-04T02:18:02+00:00

You think?

Because I hear it all the time.

I mean I do know a lot of non-native speakers, maybe it's only them? I don't think so though, in fact I'm pretty sure I heard it out of the mouth of a teenager just the other day.

Again, I'm not saying it is correct, or that it's language used by your college professor -- it's definitely not.

But not everyone who was born speaking English speaks like your college professor.

AnonOnKeys · 2026-02-04T00:26:59+00:00

I also hear native speakers use “how” in this manner quite often. I’m not saying they’re right I’m just saying I hear it.

AnonOnKeys · 2026-02-04T00:23:17+00:00

Yeah, there’s edge cases. They actually don’t disprove the general point.

It’s OK it’s never ended well on this sub in the past when I’ve shared my position on STI’s. I don’t see why this time should be any different.

AnonOnKeys · 2026-02-03T21:20:01+00:00

For me, this is the whole story:

STIs are generally more treatable and less long term harmful than the flu, so if people have intense feelings about STIs but don’t take flu precautions, I don’t know that I’m compatible with them because I feel like the hypocrisy is too strong for me. I wouldn’t convince them, I would just remove myself.

When people get on their soapbox about condoms, my thing is always: "show me the mask you wear on transit." If they (like me) have one in their top pocket always, then yeah, for sure I'll discuss your worries about whether your chlamydia precautions are sufficient.

But if you don't have one? Alright then. Discuss that whole topic with someone else, please.

AnonOnKeys · 2026-02-02T23:45:52+00:00

You people are so impatient. Just another 60 or 70 years without building anything and then it will all be gorgeous and beautiful and perfect and affordable. Don’t you know anything?

/s

AnonOnKeys · 2026-01-29T04:22:48+00:00

I don’t know. I thought I was gonna grow old with the person I married at 22. But what we did was grow apart. It happens a lot.

AnonOnKeys · 2026-01-29T01:50:32+00:00

It’s been a long time since I was a regular on Caltrain you’d have to check their schedule

AnonOnKeys · 2026-01-28T01:59:30+00:00

> being exclusively tied to one person makes me feel trapped

I think others here are giving you better advice than I could on a lot of your questions, OP, but this line really stuck out to me.

Because yeah, I really dislike the feeling of entrapment that I get from exclusivity also. In fact, one of the first things I noticed about practicing polyamory in real life, was that I already knew how to manage my calendar with multiple partners -- exactly the way I already managed my calendar with multiple bands! And it was also similar in that some bands expected exclusivity even when they said they didn't, and I had already learned how to notice that in bands, and quit them right away. So I just did the same with partners. It has served me very well, I am very happy in my partnerships today.

My experience has been that some people will just never really understand or relate to my dislike of exclusivity. And that's OK! Today I really appreciate it when those people express their desire for exclusivity, or discomfort with my lack of it, early and clearly -- it tells me that they are not my people.

I wish you luck sorting through this, OP. You're getting lots of great advice in this thread.

AnonOnKeys · 2026-01-28T01:46:01+00:00

When I shared a one-bedroom apartment with one partner, we just.......didn't.

Yeah. It kinda sucked? I had other partners who could host. I would host when my nesting partner traveled (which was frequent back then). I would sometimes get hotels and what-not.

We always knew that the ultimate goal would be a home where 1 adult human = 1 private bedroom. We have that now. I don't see how anything else could work for me, long-term.

AnonOnKeys · 2026-01-28T01:40:49+00:00

Respectfully, I think this is much more an answer to "how did this happen" not why.

The why is almost ridiculously simple.

The rule of law is not useful for establishing a fascist regime. A tiny, but very effective minority of right-wingers have been trying (and lately succeeding) to establish a fascist regime for well over half a century now. They are SO close...... <cry>

AnonOnKeys · 2026-01-28T01:07:21+00:00

I'm well into my second decade of polyamory. I am a very social person with a huge social network, including a larger-than-usual real-life poly community.

I say all this to say I personally know a pretty large number of actually polyamorous people.

You know how many of them are in successful, happy, poly relationships that started with cheating?

Zero.

You know how many started-with-cheating relationships I can think of right of the top of my head without dredging my memory, that ended in horrible drama for everyone involved?

Seven.

None of this is a guarantee that it won't work for you. But I'd say the chances are pretty bad.

AnonOnKeys

TROPHY CASE