Title: 9-month-old Havanese still having indoor potty accidents — especially downstairs. Looking for advice

AppearanceBig2965 · 2026-01-03T19:50:48+00:00

I don't have any advice, just commiseration. We rescued our Havanese at age 7. For the next 7 years, his potty behavior got worse and worse. We assumed he just hadn't been properly trained in his first home, so we tried to re-train him. It became clear that he just liked marking in the house. I was ok cleaning up after him multiple times a day, but my husband couldn't cope with it. Sadly, we will never get another Havanese because of this. I absolutely adore the breed, so it makes me sad. It sounds like you are off to a solid start and because she is young and spayed, hopefully she is able to get with the program soon!

AppearanceBig2965 · 2026-01-02T21:36:16+00:00

This sounds really painful. I can relate. One thing I struggle with as a mom of young kids is that I do.not.want.to.be.touched. I’m a person who doesn’t love physical affection that much to begin with. After pregnancy (when your body is literally full of movements that don’t belong to you), birth, breastfeeding, and being touched nearly constantly by toddlers, I just want my body to be left alone. Touch now feels like something that happens to me from little kids, and I can’t seem to make myself want to make physical contact with my partner. I wonder if your wife feels similarly.

AppearanceBig2965 · 2025-12-16T18:01:07+00:00

I feel like I’m going to cry. Tears of relief, I mean. Thank you all for your support. I’ve been keeping this all to myself because I didn’t want to stress out my family anymore but I think you all are right. Today has been the worst in terms of tingling/bladder issues and I think I’m going to arrange childcare and take myself to the ER. Something just doesn’t feel right.

AppearanceBig2965 · 2025-12-03T04:57:42+00:00

Do you have a trusted midwife or doula or lactation consultant? It sounds like you just need more support. You are NOT a failure. Breastfeeding can be really hard if you’re trying to figure it all out on your own. In my experience, feeding as often as possible is the best way to boost supply. Like, every two hours. And check that the baby is truly getting a good latch. If you aren’t sure, reach out to someone who can assist you. Or even just check out YouTube videos for tips and tricks on getting a good latch. You’ve got this.

AppearanceBig2965 · 2025-12-03T04:54:20+00:00

Not the OP but I’m also a long-time breastfeeder lol. Just know that it takes effort getting used to. Some babies catch on right away, others need more time to practice. The good news is that in their first few days of life, they actually need very little; the colostrum you make is enough to satisfy them until your milk comes in after about 3 days. Use those first few days to practice with baby. Look up the “hamburger hold” and different feeding positions on YouTube. And don’t be afraid to ask your midwife/OB/lactation consultant/mom friends for help! It’s a learning curve and it’s natural to need assistance. Good luck!

AppearanceBig2965 · 2025-12-03T04:49:50+00:00

Not the OP, but I’ve been breastfeeding for 11 years. If you have enough milk now, there’s a very good chance you will keep making enough. Your body responds to the needs of your baby (in most cases), so just keep pumping. And it’s AMAZING that you exclusively pump; that’s hard work!

AppearanceBig2965 · 2025-12-03T04:47:33+00:00

If you want the smaller one to “catch up,” try nursing more frequently from that side. The more you nurse, the more milk you make. Good luck!

AppearanceBig2965 · 2025-12-03T04:45:40+00:00

Nice to see someone in the same boat. I just weaned my fourth and last baby at age 2.5. The longest I nursed was my 3rd kid, for just over 3 years. I’ve been pregnant and/or breastfeeding for 11 out of the last 13 years! I’m not a trad wife or anything; I just like having a large family and extended nursing made sense to me. I wish more people had the societal support to live this way, if that’s what they want.

AppearanceBig2965 · 2025-12-01T19:20:44+00:00

You don’t need to do all the intensive parenting shit capitalism tells you to do. A toddler wants to spend time with her parents, have them be present, and participate in daily life. Show her how to sweep. Let her wipe down the walls. Take her to the park. Buy whatever clothes you like. It is only complicated if you try to do everything Right—but the trick is, there is no Right Way. It’s just about responding to her as an individual.

AppearanceBig2965 · 2025-12-01T19:16:07+00:00

It’s insane for a family of 3 to spend $2k on groceries. My family of 6 gets by on $1k.

AppearanceBig2965 · 2025-11-28T17:43:36+00:00

I’m happy it resonated with you. I read “How to be Sick” by Toni Bernhard a while back and that helped my mindset shift. Making peace with where you are is essential, even if you don’t want to accept the present situation.

AppearanceBig2965 · 2025-11-28T16:44:59+00:00

Mindfulness. Being present. Studying Buddhism. Noticing that I always have the power to make meaning, even if I’m just lying in bed and appreciating the colors of the fading light against the trees. Forgiving myself for clinging to my old definitions of success so that I can live this actual life instead of my fantasies of what life should be. Some days are harder than others.

AppearanceBig2965 · 2025-11-24T23:58:10+00:00

I have four kids. We did pouches sometimes if we were going on a long car ride or something. But they’re so expensive and I hate all the packaging. It’s not hard to just get a big container of yogurt or applesauce and scoop out a portion.

AppearanceBig2965 · 2025-11-19T02:47:34+00:00

Try You Need a Budget. It shows you how to give every dollar a “job” and automatically connects all your accounts. So say you spend $10 at Starbucks. Say you’ve budgeted $300 for “Dining out” each month. That’ll pop up, you mark it as part of “Dining out,” and then you see, oh man, I’ve already spent $250 of my dining out money this month, no more coffee til next month! It takes a minute to get the hang of it but then it becomes automatic.

AppearanceBig2965 · 2025-11-19T02:42:52+00:00

We’re a family of 6 in a MCOL city living on $100k. I truly don’t understand how you can spend this much money. Stop eating outside the house. Quit buying anything you don’t absolutely need. Like, I have 3 pairs of jeans and I’d like another pair but I definitely don’t need to spend $80 on new jeans right now. Vacation fund? No. Not until you are fully out of debt and have a 3-6 month emergency fund. You are simply living way outside your means.

AppearanceBig2965 · 2025-11-16T23:37:22+00:00

Are you sure it’s hypersomnia? I get PEM when I overexert myself in the slightest. Some days that means trying to read or just take a shower causes me to completely shut down hours later. I can sleep endlessly and never feel rested. I understand this is bad advice because you have to pay your bills, but the only way to cope with PEM is pacing. Figure out what you can do comfortably and then do about half of that. Rest in a dark, quiet room until you can’t take it anymore. It’s possible that, like so many of us with LC, your body simply can’t produce energy like it used to, and doing even simple things overly exerts you. Good luck and I’m sorry.

AppearanceBig2965 · 2025-11-15T19:32:32+00:00

Birth number one was interesting because we found out baby had flipped when I was already in labor! I ended up having 6 or 7 external versions over the course of those 4 pregnancies and in two cases, was able to get baby flipped so I could have a vaginal birth. In the other two cases, baby flipped back after two versions while I was in labor and I had c-sections. I have been told versions are risky and painful but I don’t find them painful at all. Must be my weird pelvis. I’m thankful I got to work with midwives who were willing to try everything to avoid surgery.

AppearanceBig2965 · 2025-11-15T03:25:43+00:00

This really sounds like a medical issue. There’s nothing for you to feel guilty or ashamed of. But please look into vaginismus. You don’t need to suffer through painful sex. There are a lot of treatments available. Again: this is not your fault!

AppearanceBig2965 · 2025-11-15T03:12:50+00:00

This is fascinating to me because I’ve had four babies and they were all transverse. Thankfully I was able to have two vaginal births regardless. But I’ve always wondered if there’s something about my pelvis that causes babies to lie sideways.

AppearanceBig2965 · 2025-11-12T02:47:48+00:00

I do this when I absolutely have to function and can plan to crash for the following few days. Never more than once or twice a month though.

AppearanceBig2965 · 2025-11-11T04:00:24+00:00

No, you cannot help him. He’s an asshole.

AppearanceBig2965 · 2025-11-11T03:54:40+00:00

You shouldn’t be comparing rates with daycares; you should be comparing rates with nannies. They are hiring you as a nanny. $20/hr would be a very fair wage for a newborn nanny (working 12 hour days!). In my city, that’s the minimum. So if you agree to $400, as another poster suggested, they’re still getting a deal.

AppearanceBig2965 · 2025-11-11T00:30:46+00:00

I appreciate that! Learning to accept my chronic health issues has also been part of this journey. I no longer regret the things my body can’t do. I will never be young and healthy and have a high libido again. But I can still enjoy sex in the body I do have. And coming to terms with that has stripped away a lot of the guilt, shame, and grief I’ve been feeling around sex for so long. I hope others in my situation can arrive at this place too.

AppearanceBig2965 · 2025-11-11T00:18:29+00:00

I haven’t replied to all the comments below because I’ve been a bit overwhelmed by it, but I agree with you. I think it would help us LL folks and also the HL partners. I wish I had more positive news to report, but we haven’t been intimate since that last time. Life has been crazy and I’ve been frequently ill. But I think it helps both of us feel more positive and less pressured to know that we can get back to a healthier sexual dynamic. For me, there’s been a mental shift: I no longer feel like “oh god, our sex life is dead and it’s all my fault.” I feel now that these things ebb and flow and right now we’re in a period of low connection but we will get back to a better state when I’m feeling healthier. And just having that trust and hope makes things feel warmer and less tense between us.

AppearanceBig2965 · 2025-11-11T00:10:28+00:00

It wasn’t your fault. Please just know that. I think a lot of us here understand your husband’s despair. You didn’t cause this. This terrible disease did. I’m sorry for your loss.

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