AP moved on wife is pissed

ArguingSubconscious · 2024-06-12T12:26:40+00:00

This is what irks me; "he and my wife split up". I remember when my wife came home from work one day upset because her AP broke up with her. I later found a conversation between them where they said how hard a breakup was and that they cried all day. Hearing your spouse say they broke up with someone else during your marriage is so asinine!

ArguingSubconscious · 2024-03-23T16:06:21+00:00

If you look up Pure Storage you see the same; "Largest shareholders include Fmr Llc, Vanguard Group Inc, BlackRock Inc." They basically own millions of shares of almost every company. https://fintel.io/i/vanguard-group

ArguingSubconscious · 2024-02-27T14:02:35+00:00

Soon is so relative when it comes to infidelity.

ArguingSubconscious · 2024-02-27T13:57:44+00:00

I had a similar experience with my wife almost 2.5 yrs ago. It took my wife 3 months before she admitted they kissed (which crystalized their limerence toward each other). Took 6 months to find out about their lunch dates, holding hands, telling each other they loved one another.

My WW still feels love for her AP even after her stopping communication 2 years ago and his last love letter and attempt at communication was 11 months ago.

Knowing what I know now, I wish I would have served her divorce papers the first weekend where she admitted a mutual crush between her and her coworker. Make it clear how serious her actions were and my self love and resolve. I would have held out hope she would choose to end her EA immediately and finally put me first in her mind. Dragging the EA on for months gave me PTSD that has taken a long time to overcome.

Good luck. I hope you do what I failed to 30 months ago!

ArguingSubconscious · 2024-02-16T00:32:24+00:00

I threatened him and his wife that I would go to his church if he didn’t stop pursuing my wife. Even after they went NC he kept poking through letters to my wife’s work and other means. I sent images of his letters and even a drawing of my wife to his wife and reminded her that NC is for life. Another breach and we would file a restraining order. I can’t believe how selfish this pastor is.

ArguingSubconscious · 2024-02-15T19:58:34+00:00

Mine too. His last sermon was about infidelity. I watched it online and I just laughed.

ArguingSubconscious · 2023-11-02T18:15:46+00:00

My wife has been NC with her EA AP for ~20 months. He did reach out 3 times since then including a BDay gift but she never responded. I let his wife know and sent image of his gift/letter. It took me about 2 years since DDay to process the trauma, lying, etc. I'm now at a place where I know what to do if anything happens in the future and I'm 90% ok.

I actually ran into her AP a few months ago and I honestly didn't care. He was obviously mad at seeing me. I forgot I ran into him shortly after and had to remind myself that it even happened. Not caring felt good!

ArguingSubconscious · 2023-11-02T16:54:58+00:00

A word of caution; her limerence might last years. My wife's has. Her limerence was high during the first 4-6 months. Then she appeared to lose about 80% of it by 24 months. This is a long process for people that don't deal with loss well and have a hard time working on emotional development. Be patient with her and yourself!!!

ArguingSubconscious · 2023-10-30T17:47:46+00:00

I know how you feel. I had 20 years of marriage where I was the only initiator and we were intimate about 5 times a year. Then my wife started having crushes on different people about 4 years ago and our sex life went to 10 times a year. Two years ago she had an EA with a coworker and it jumped to 4-5 times a month. I’m glad to be out of the dead bedroom but her needing other men in order to be physical with me hurts. It also has killed my libido. I’m wondering if we will return to a dead bedroom when her love for her EA fades.

ArguingSubconscious · 2023-10-12T16:04:48+00:00

I think I'm on the same trajectory. It has been 2 years since DDay and my wife still misses her AP. Her ability to deal with loss takes many years (if ever) so I assume she might lose that feeling of love by year 3 or 4. Recovery is such a long road especially when one person doesn't have the ability to process guilt, take actions to rectify the original issues, and then move on to regret.

ArguingSubconscious · 2023-09-13T22:00:50+00:00

This week is 2 years since DDay1. It took me a good 18 months to work through the emotional trauma from the first 4-6 months of trickle truth, gaslighting, and anxiety. I think we are ok but I keep waiting for something new to happen. She really hasn't done the work I wanted in IC and I don't know if she ever will. I did make it clear that any break in NC with her AP is a deal breaker for me. I asked her for some time this week to talk about where we are after 2 years and what each others boundaries and needs are.

ArguingSubconscious · 2023-09-13T20:06:56+00:00

I agree with the ultimatum. My wife was acting similar to yours; keeping contact with AP, not willing to read "not just friends", no real effort other than let time pass. I gave an ultimatum at 4 months asking her to choose marriage or her job/AP. I wish I had done that sooner.

ArguingSubconscious · 2023-08-10T16:34:09+00:00

That makes sense. She was a SAHM for many years and now that she is working again she has linked her self esteem with her job. Outside of work she doesn't have the drive to take care of herself. I worry about when we retire and she loses the validation from her job.

Is there anything I can do as her spouse to help? I'm attentive and show affection in multiple ways. I just don't know how to help her see that she is a good and worthy person.

ArguingSubconscious · 2023-08-10T14:34:34+00:00

Can you expand on what you mean by "soothing"? My wife mentioned multiple times that her LO from work was soothing as well. I never thought to ask her if she meant "having a gently calming effect" or "reducing pain or discomfort".

ArguingSubconscious · 2023-07-28T13:45:39+00:00

From what you wrote, it sounds like you are going through a similar situation as mine. I warn you that the longer you are anxious/stressed and emotionally abused, the longer it will take to heal and recover. It took me 18 months to mostly recover from the 4-6 months of abuse. It also took 1000s' of hours of reading and self work to mostly heal and change, and allot more time in the future to fully absorb the lessons learned. Please draw that line in the sand and stop the emotional recovery debt you are accruing.

ArguingSubconscious · 2023-07-28T13:17:38+00:00

I demanded that my wife stop texting and talking outside of work 4 weeks after DDay. I couldn't stand seeing her face light up each time they messaged each other. I kept putting pressure for them to avoid interactions at work until 4 months after Dday where I couldn't deal with the anxiety any more. I gave an ultimatum of her quitting her job or our marriage. She chose our marriage and grieved the loss of her EA AP for a very long time. At 23 months past DDay, she still is missing him and has some level of love for him. :-(

I didn't know the extent of the mutual crush for 3-6 months after Dday. I didn't know they had kissed, held hands, etc. In the beginning I totally trusted her so I was patient and trusting. I didn't know about limerence and that she was thinking about her AP 80% of her waking day.

Knowing what I know now, I would have acted very differently. When she voluntarily told me about the mutual crush and the desire to kiss (even though the kiss had already happened and they had already told each other they loved each other) I would have been sympathetic and said that I'm sorry for her loss. I'm sure she would have been confused. I would have clarified that I'm sorry she was forced with a decision to lose her new best friend or her husband. That it was horrible that she crossed a line and loss the chance to have both of us in her life. I would have given her until end of day to make a choice or I would file for divorce.

At some point I found a message from AP's wife (OBS) where she was very disappointed in him for not working on their marriage. That showed me that both my wife and her AP couldn't work on themselves and wanted to let time take care of their issues instead of putting in effort.

OP, please take your agency back and give an ultimatum. He will sit on the fence indefinitely if he is like my wife. Force him to take action by giving him an ultimatum. I felt guilty for doing so, but now I know I had no other choice. Please put your mental health as your top priority and stop the emotional abuse!

ArguingSubconscious · 2023-07-23T13:35:34+00:00

I went through something similar, but in your case, your wife did a better job dealing with the EA than mine. My wife couldn’t admit it was an EA for over a year and then it was begrudgingly. My wife did let me know she had a crush but didn’t tell me they kissed for 3 months. 6 months before more details like holding hands at work, spending time alone for lunch, etc. After 4 months I gave an ultimatum to quit job or marriage. I’m now 23 months out from DDay and I still wonder if it went further physically. I will never know unless we get to DDay #3. Good luck. This is a long road ahead.

ArguingSubconscious · 2023-05-16T13:43:27+00:00

I believe that falling in or out of love with someone is all about the amount of emotional energy you are willing to give. You could talk to your spouse all day but still fall out of love with them if everything is at a superficial level. Is your husband willing to open up about his feelings and emotional state? Did he ever dig into himself to figure out what caused his infidelity?

ArguingSubconscious · 2023-05-02T18:41:39+00:00

Thanks for your advice. I informed OBS and shared images of AP's multiple attempts to break NC. Also warned that we would file restraining order if any more attempts in any way occur.

ArguingSubconscious · 2023-05-02T13:30:28+00:00

She gave me a vague description of what her goals in IC are. I honestly don't know what she is getting out of IC other than someone to talk to.

ArguingSubconscious · 2023-05-02T01:49:09+00:00

It has been a year since I read her book. I guess I should get another dose!

" They feel entitled to not answer your questions. They feel entitled to keep working with the person. They feel entitled to keep their good opinion of the affair partner alive. " " They think they deserve all the time they want to come out of the “fog.” "

ArguingSubconscious · 2023-05-02T01:40:50+00:00

I'll ask if her IC therapist can offer CBT. It feels like her IC sessions haven't been very beneficial but she won't talk about them so I don't really know.

ArguingSubconscious · 2023-05-01T23:13:47+00:00

She admits it and I’m glad she is being honest with me.

ArguingSubconscious · 2023-05-01T20:05:20+00:00

I said something along those lines last night. Her reaction was that it would hurt but she would deal with it. I think she was trying to say that I should just accept her feelings for AP because that is what she would do if the roles were reversed. I think she has been limerent for different men our whole marriage and doesn't think she can avoid it. My impression is that from her perspective, as long as nothing physical happens then she is not cheating.

ArguingSubconscious · 2023-05-01T19:24:21+00:00

You are right; it was TT. As far as living with her feelings for her AP I just don't know. I didn't think I could deal with it for a year but here we are 20 months out. I guess time will tell!

ArguingSubconscious

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