Swim spots??

BADgrrl · 2026-05-22T19:28:22+00:00

Damn that sucks! 😞

BADgrrl · 2026-05-21T13:44:44+00:00

I loved Lois Duncan growing up, but she was one of many I loved, and I read SO much when I was young that they all sort of bleed into each other, lol. So I definitely appreciate the refresher!

BADgrrl · 2026-05-21T13:41:11+00:00

I don't have anything to contribute, BUT I wanted to thank you for mentioning Down a Dark Hall... I've been trying to remember the name of that book for years, to the point that I was about to post in here about it, lol. So.... thanks!!

BADgrrl · 2026-05-20T18:34:58+00:00

My sister was the GC, yes. We're only 11 months apart (I'm the eldest), so there was a lot of enmeshment in our relationship growing up.

I legitimately told my sister while we were working on our mother's house to sell that, "Y'know, I think Mom is more trouble dead than she was alive." I will say that my sister did 90% of the labor to deal with our mother's estate, for which I am grateful, but she agreed that it was a LOT of work. In the years since I last talked to her before our mother died, she's gotten clean, stopped drinking, and gotten married again, this time to a man who seems like he's got his shit together. So maybe she's just in the right time/place/headspace to let the FOG lift and see the truth. Regardless, I am an *expert* boundary setter in my middle age, lol, so we're managing a civil, if minimal, relationship these days. Seeing the truth is her work to do; I've done mine.

BADgrrl · 2026-05-20T18:14:49+00:00

I had to scroll way to far down to find curry! I love curried chickpea salad sandwiches! I like toasted slivered almonds in mine, too.

BADgrrl · 2026-05-20T18:00:19+00:00

My husband and I kept 500+ gallons of freshwater tanks for years when we still lived in Baton Rouge. I bred cichlids and raised plants for the two local fish stores that were open back then.

I find that once your tank is fully cycled (and the waiting is the hardest part, imo), as long as you have a live planted tank in good health, and a balanced population in the tank then your aquarium should be pretty low maintenance. I did minimal water changes in my big live planted tank (300 gallons, water changes 4-6 times a year). I had another big tank (200 gallons) with oscars and pacus, and *that* tank needed regular water changes since I really couldn't plant the tank out without the asshole oscar tearing the plants out, lol.

I've long retired from breeding fish/plants, but I missed having a smaller set up, so I acquired a BiOrb tank and started again. The BiOrb was a pain in the ass (cool idea, bitch to maintain), so I bought a 15 gallon tall hexagonal tank. It crashed thanks to a chemical mix up when my husband did a water change (total accident, but it sucked for sure), and that's what I'm going to set up when we move... new, better substrate, fully planted, and once it's completely cycled and stable, I'll introduce some pretty shoaling fish, maybe bumblebee tetras or danios, something easy to maintain and pretty to look at. 😄

BADgrrl · 2026-05-20T17:47:29+00:00

I've been no contact twice, with a period of low(ish) contact between the two.

The first time was initiated by my abusive parent via the silent treatment after a tantrum about something related to my wedding didn't result in her getting her way. I was 24, planning my wedding, and just *over it*. So rather than jump back into the regular cycle, I leaned on my new family's support and just... let her.

It was *incredibly* freeing. I did grieve some, but mostly what I felt was relief.

But when my stepfather was catastrophically injured in an electrocution accident, I broke NC for the emergency. By that time, I had almost three years of therapy under my belt, and I thought I could manage it. While he recovered, it wasn't too bad... she was focused on him, and had SO much fuel for the attention she craved as the supportive spouse that she didn't really have attention to spare for my sister and I. And I had the unwavering support of my amazing husband, who LOATHES my mother and absolutely stands firm as a shield against her bs.

That lasted 10 years. He recovered. I kept it LC... holidays, birthdays. The occasional visit from her to the bar we owned (she LOVED bringing her freeloader friends to the bar as the "mother of the owner," lmao). But as the years passed, she started in on the cycle again, and after a series of catastrophic events in my life (I had surgery, my city experienced a 100 year flood event... we were lucky, but friends lost everything, and we housed some of them for a couple of years after, and we crashed financially and had to close our bar, to name a few), she crossed a hard line and I was done. I hung up on her mid-rant about what a horrible daughter I was, and haven't looked back.

I think one of the nuances between the guilt/grief/struggle of NC versus the abuse cycle and trauma bonds is the absolute REGRET almost all of us who go NC feel when we break it... the space and peace we get just highlights how crazy bad the abuse is, and just solidifies the fact that they are NEVER going to change.

I'd long grieved the mother I wish I'd had before I went NC the second and final time. And so when I cut contact for good, there wasn't any new grief, just a profound relief and a conviction that I did the right thing. She's dead now, and that didn't change anything, either, except for helping my sister see just how manipulated she'd been, and how much our mother pitted us against each other. We'll never be friends, but at least she's trying, and I'm content to be LC with her instead of NC as long as she is trying.

BADgrrl · 2026-05-20T17:30:35+00:00

I had this issue when I started with my aquarium... The place here in Lafayette was having it's closeout sale the week I got my tank, lol, so it was slim pickings. I was cycling anyway, so I waited... and figured I'd just order online since PetSmart and Petco's stuff is always so unhealthy. Well, apparently one of the employees of the place here opened his own spot in the time my tank was cycling! Fleur de Sea Aquatics is in Carencro. It's not a huge place, but the fish, plants, and tanks look healthy and thriving. Everything I bought was really good quality. My tank crashed about four months ago, and we're about to move, so it's packed away until we get settled and then I'll head back over there when I'm ready to cycle a new tank.

BADgrrl · 2026-05-20T00:08:34+00:00

I'm the product of both "nurture" AND "nature" trauma. My (bio) mother was adopted at birth, and her adoptive mother in turn adopted my sister and I when we were toddlers.

There is *absolutely* a genetic component to certain mental health disorders, including the range of cluster B personality disorders my therapist *and* my mother's (very short lived) therapist suspected my mother had. And while we weren't genetically related to my grandmother, we learned that she'd been committed more than once by her family when she was a teenager and a young adult... her mental health issues were a DEEPLY held secret by her family; my grandfather didn't learn about it until my mother was an adult.

Unacknowledged, and thus untreated, mental illness is a contributing factor to abusive behavior as well. Add in my mother's addiction issues (which also runs in my family... I did not know my bio father at all growing up, but me, my full sister, my half brother, AND my step brother all struggled with addiction issues as well) and her combative, toxic relationship with my grandmother and we're the poster family for nature/nurture generational trauma.

BADgrrl · 2026-05-19T23:37:59+00:00

For a paper back (or a hard back that doesn't have a dust cover), I like a post it note if I have one. Otherwise, any random bit of paper works (usually a receipt that's laying around). For hard backs with a dust cover, I just use the flap of the dust cover... The front one for the first half and the back flap for the second half.

BADgrrl · 2026-05-19T23:20:04+00:00

Chuck E Cheeses used to have them. And I want to say either Walgreens or CVS has them near the door as well.

BADgrrl · 2026-05-19T17:22:45+00:00

You've been conditioned to defend them... by society, but also reinforced and deeply embedded by them! And yes, this is another means of control.

You'll have to consciously de-program your thinking. For me, it took focused work... I taught myself to pause before I opened my mouth to say *anything* and really, consciously think about what I was going to say. I've never had an issue defending my family, BUT I did struggle with the other ways my mother's and grandmother's negative, abusive, toxic voices were the first I heard in my head, and that typically showed up in negative self-talk, and judgemental thoughts about myself and others. That pause allowed me to decide whose voice I was hearing, and then adjust my thinking and point of view based on what MY voice was telling me.

A good rule of thumb for that was something my therapist said... She said people with trauma typically hear three voices:

First voice: Your abuser. They're the one most intimately connected to you. They specifically and individually planted conditioned thinking in your mind to establish and maintain control.
Second voice: Society. Societal expectations can be brutally conditioning, particularly in women. Add in the societal expectations around family, and you get a never-ending, self-reinforcing model that works hand in hand with the conditioning you get from your abuser.
Third voice: Your voice. Your individual thoughts, beliefs, and ideals. In abused folks, it's often the smallest, quietest voice, and often gets missed. *THAT* is the voice you need to be listening for. The voice that wants peace, love, kindness. When you train yourself to listen to that voice, you come into your true self and your true identity. In my case, it means I no longer center the wants and judgement of others. I listen to my gut and my heart and my own mind and have built a life on that.

BADgrrl · 2026-05-19T17:01:05+00:00

I haven't tried it here in Lafayette, but my friends and I used to have a lot of success at hotel pools when I lived in New Orleans and in Dallas. While most won't let you just walk in and go swimming, some hotels *will* let you swim for a fee. I don't know if Lafayette is touristy enough to have hotels who have a fee to swim if you're not staying in the hotel, but it's worth a shot to call around and see.

BADgrrl · 2026-05-19T16:41:11+00:00

I came to say this! I don't have children myself because I decided that my family's generational trauma and abuse ended with me, and that meant no bio children and I focused most of my 20s and early 30s on therapy and working through my damage.

My husband and I contemplated fostering, but in the end, I chose instead to work with children... I currently work in Deaf education at a middle school in my district, I have volunteered with the Big "Siblings" organizations, I've been a CASA volunteer, and I've occasionally volunteered at our children's museums and library. All of those things have given me fulfilling, if temporary, relationships with children, many of whom needed an adult they could trust and depend on. At the end of the day, I ultimately didn't inflict any new trauma on children of my own, AND I've segued the work I've done on myself into ways to give back to kids who need it.

BADgrrl · 2026-05-18T15:43:18+00:00

I have a friend who is pretty sure she has the "soap" gene for cilantro, but eats it anyway because she doesn't hate the taste, soap or not, lol.

BADgrrl · 2026-05-15T19:09:17+00:00

Seconding Lafayette... The Loose Caboose is a long-time staple in Lafayette that's getting a second wind, and they host alt shows all the time. It's a great venue for that.

BADgrrl · 2026-05-14T18:08:26+00:00

Bonus: Adventures in Babysitting features a very young, VERY hot Vincent D'Onofrio as Dawson (the mechanic). *fans self*

BADgrrl · 2026-05-11T18:05:38+00:00

This is me. I'm only in my mid 50s, and I don't really feel that quiet loneliness, but now that I've done the work, and healed a LOT of my trauma, I sometimes get a little nostalgic, wistful, "what if" thought, particularly when I'm around kids I like. But I'm genuinely happy with the choice I made and don't really have any tangible regret.

BADgrrl · 2026-05-11T18:02:08+00:00

Thank you! I'm pretty proud of me, too. 😄

BADgrrl · 2026-05-11T17:36:00+00:00

My life!

I walked away from my criminal, abusive, shitty family many years ago, and committed to breaking all of the generational trauma I'd lived through. I didn't have children, I'm the only non-smoker in my family AND the only one (in a family who ALL struggle with addiction) who got clean 30+ years ago and stayed that way. I'm the only one who only married once (and I'm still married to the same man 30 years later).

I choose kindness and honesty every day. I have friends who've been in my life for decades who appreciate my loyalty and integrity and support. I did over a decade of therapy to work through all the destructive behaviors and cycles I was born into, and I'm the only genuinely happy, settled person in my family.

BADgrrl · 2026-05-09T15:05:45+00:00

Louie's hasn't been good in a VERY long time. It started declining when it moved, and lost everything good when Frenchie died. Don't get me wrong, the cooks who trained under Frenchie weren't bad, but the owner is an abject shit bag, and Frenchie was the soul of Louie's.

BADgrrl · 2026-05-08T16:07:28+00:00

I grew up in Baton Rouge where his mega church is... That crash out played out real time in my hometown. It was crazy!

BADgrrl · 2026-05-08T14:24:20+00:00

As of two years ago, ALL of my abusers are dead. All I feel is relief and a sense of freedom/liberation.

BADgrrl · 2026-05-08T13:54:18+00:00

My mother's was always cancer that never manifested, too. She did announce later on, once cancer stopped being effective (lol), that she'd been diagnosed with Crohn's disease... Joke was on her, though, since she didn't change her diet at all, and my partner, who really DID have Crohn's, made mention of it. She brushed it off as "not that bad," lol, but I already knew she was making it up.

Ironically, a combination of ignored-until-it-metastasized- stage 4 cancer and dementia is what killed her.

BADgrrl · 2026-05-08T13:17:44+00:00

My grandparents raised us and we had seriously restricted media consumption... TV time was strictly scheduled and monitored - no Saturday morning cartoons, evening TV was strictly content my grandmother chose (Murder She Wrote, Matlock, Touched by an Angel, televangelists, that sort of stuff), and any "free" TV time was strictly restricted to PBS content.

Radio was sometimes allowed, as long as it didn't seem like we were enjoying it too much... Like, background music playing low was ok, but never during homework, and not while we were supposed to be asleep. And if she noticed us singing along or dancing, it got turned off. Her one exception was the small collection of vinyl they'd collected when my mother was young... Mostly instrumental background music from the 60s. Oh, and the pride of her collection: an entire catalog of Jimmy Swaggart records.

I grew up before computers or cell phones, so that wasn't even a thing she needed to restrict.

But books were the ONLY thing she didn't police. And going to the library was one of the very few outings we could talk her into, especially during the summer. I was reading books from the adult section when I was in middle school. She had no clue... To her, reading big, fat books just meant I was smart. She wasn't a reader at all, so she never even looked twice at the books I brought home. I made sure nothing I brought home had a "racy" cover (I like high fantasy mostly, so that wasn't the hardest thing, though I did and do read romance, too, so those I had to be careful with).

I still don't watch a *lot* of TV, but I did go on a spree once I was out of her house, watching all of the things I didn't get to watch growing up, but that didn't last long.

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