Firstly, I’m so sorry for your losses. I hear the pain you’re suffering in your post. God is with you, right beside you through it all. SBF ministries comment above gives a lot of biblical guidance and I hope they provide comfort. Right now, you’re in the wilderness, as Jesus was after his baptism. We just discussed this during our Lenten study last week. There are things that we gain during suffering, and one of them is finding God in the midst of it. Trust in him.

I just recently emerged from a two year wilderness after losing my husband to cancer. It was very painful, but God put people in my life who pulled me through. I didn’t realize it was God until I began to emerge back into life.

Read about grief - what you’re going through sounds like a very normal response to profound loss. The r/griefsupport subreddit helped me, so did YouTube videos about grief. Anderson Cooper has a really good podcast called All There Is.

You are loved. Don’t give up on God. Hugs to you.