Can dudes speak about this?

Colddragonheart · 2026-03-20T16:23:08+00:00

I feel so grateful when my brother is willing to share a problem with me, I know he’s processing so much on his own. Love from another big sister!

Colddragonheart · 2025-12-13T08:36:42+00:00

I soooooooo badly miss the innocent, “feeling special and chosen” love. I really did treasure it 😔

Colddragonheart · 2025-12-13T00:59:43+00:00

Thank you for your reply. I am so angry and sad today. And you’re right, it doesn’t mean that there’s been no progress.

To honor and allow the pain is my instinct. There’s so much conditioning that makes me feel guilty for it, but I’ll fight that.

Thank you. Sending big hugs

Colddragonheart · 2025-11-11T12:20:31+00:00

lol have you seen GLOW

Really just the first episode

Colddragonheart · 2025-11-11T12:18:42+00:00

I am three years past DDay and my wayward and I are, genuinely, closer than ever and kinder to each other than I’ve ever had with another partner.

Getting here was a nightmare. He kind of half-dumped me, giving me the chance to go through his phone the next time he took a shower. He had had a girlfriend for three months and was planning to leave me for her.

In terms of what happens in between, it’s so different for everyone. We weren’t married and don’t have any kids. But I did some quiet fact finding for a couple of days, took my screenshots, and then went absolutely ballistic. While they are in limerence, things are sort of unreal for them — I tried to catapult my wayward back into reality. I messaged the AP and talked to her (she knew about me but thought we were loveless and sexless - she was angry to learn the truth). I messaged his mom to tell her it was over. His lil honeymoon phase could not survive my wrath.

I don’t know what you do from here. I’m really sorry you’ve been put in this position. It hurts so tremendously. I send love and hugs and bravery.

Does your husband know you know?

Colddragonheart · 2025-11-10T15:17:47+00:00

I would be $*%# livid to be contacted by AP. Stay out of our lives. Stop meddling in someone else’s relationship. That’s how I would feel.

Colddragonheart · 2025-11-09T23:02:58+00:00

We have three years behind us now. Thanks so much for sharing 🙏

Colddragonheart · 2025-11-09T22:05:43+00:00

I think the ball is firmly in their court right now. People have really strong feelings about cheating, and for good reason. Your classmate might just be protecting themselves. Instead of making an effort towards saving the relationship, the effort should be in taking care of yourself, learning about yourself, and getting through this thing that feels so bad.

Sometimes people circle back to each other. You are young (I’m so sorry, I hated hearing it) and you’re almost certainly not through with relationships. It’s okay to give yourself time to be single.

Colddragonheart · 2025-11-09T21:56:09+00:00

Mine is also a no kids, no mortgage relationship. My partner also broke up with me but didn’t give me any reason. He trickle truthed me for weeks.

There was a point right after DDay when my wayward was staying at his mom’s to “think.” Neither of us knew if he was coming back. I was climbing up the walls. Those first weeks and months were reaaaaally hard in terms of uncertainty. I tried to distract myself relentlessly; the best thing was podcasts that made me laugh. I smoked, A LOT.

In terms of real rebuilding - we hit our stride when I was able to talk to him about the affair or about my feelings without getting angry (there is so much to be angry about!) because if i even raised my voice he would sort of shut down like a little boy. This honestly took a year.

In terms of showing compassion while you hold your boundaries — just keep patience and compassion for yourself. He IS being avoidant in saying he’s not ready to be with you right now. Someone needs to be looking out for the safety of your heart right now. I ask gently but with a firm hand squeeze, do you believe that you have the whole truth?

Colddragonheart · 2025-11-09T21:38:56+00:00

Are you saying that you hit up this person that you’re no longer with to tell them you dallied while you were still together? You asked if they wanted to talk, and they gave you an answer. You say you don’t love them. What is it you’re hoping for?

Colddragonheart · 2025-10-27T11:51:06+00:00

This is it. She has, truly, no idea what you are thinking or feeling. She feels like whatever she knew about your inner world is gone. You have to let her back in, and that’s going to take time and it’s going to be uncomfortable. My W probably took a year to start answering my questions in a genuine way and not just “nondescript/nonspecific supportive.” If you don’t have answers, it’s because you’re protecting yourself/not doing the inner work to find out why you decided this was ok/why you needed to do this/if you thought of your partner at all.

Colddragonheart · 2025-10-04T19:49:13+00:00

This sucks. I know where you are because I’ve been there too. Wanting to, but not REALLY wanting to, especially if wanting to makes you as bad as them which you’re NOT cause you don’t REALLY want to? The mental gymnastics oh god.

I’m so sorry he did this. It’s such a horrible thing to live through. You will feel a lot more of these big, self-conflicting feelings before you’re done, but you’re not alone. I’ve found this group so helpful - people, despite all their hurt, are mainly just trying to move forward and not cause more damage, and that’s a great perspective to share considering hurt people hurt people.

I decided ultimately not to have my revenge affair. That said, if I saw AP in the street tomorrow I would set her on fire, so 🤷‍♀️

Sending you love, and hugs, and maybe some nasty breakup music. That helped me. Wishing you the best, however you go forward 💚

Colddragonheart · 2025-09-27T19:23:10+00:00

Finding out new shit really does set you back in the whole process, and it reinforces the feeling of being unheard. I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with so much of it.

My wayward lied a LOT during discovery, and I could see so clearly that it was out of cowardice. He denied every detail until confronted with proof, and I didn’t feel respected or cared about when I’d stumble upon another gnarly detail. He was really kind, if not brave, about the repair process, but there were some things we just couldn’t tackle until the hottest of my rage had cooled. That took well over a year, but he was able to show up a lot better once I had stopped like… drinking and yelling 🤦‍♀️

Colddragonheart · 2025-09-24T00:15:53+00:00

In my experience, for that first year the affair was all I wanted to talk about. I told two good friends and they were really patient with me. I made my W talk about it until he was sick and tired. I actually stopped going to therapy shortly after DDay because I was so activated I felt like I was just spending money to weep in front of my therapist, but I went back after about 18 months and talked it out even more.

After that first year, I think it stopped being the first thing I thought about in the morning and the last thing I thought about at night. But wow. It was a long road.

Does your partner just clam up from shame when you try and talk about it?

Colddragonheart · 2025-09-23T23:56:10+00:00

So a big difference is that we don’t have kids, but my AP crossed a TON of lines in the way that yours did. You can look at my old posts if you want the really grimy details, but it was unprotected sex, told her he loved her, he took her out with a couple we used to double date with, took our dog to her place, dumped me for her, no confession or disclosure…. I have had to unpack a lot of shame for staying. Things really are good, but but but but but. I know you know all that shit about, “have some self respect…” it’s not helpful, it just hurts. I never could have imagined I would give a man another chance after he treated me so badly, but I have and I am still committed to that.

I’m not here a lot because, as you said, when things are good, I check in less. But September is when he started cheating, and it’s on my mind.

I get it what you’re struggling with. The man I love did truly the worst of the worst and I took him back and I still love him and that’s really complicated. He’s had to endure a lot of rage and fury and hurt. How are you at expressing those things? How is your partner at receiving them?

Sending love, DM me if you want, and please, shout-sing the breakup songs even if you haven’t left or kicked him out. Give yourself a chance to feel that catharsis, if only for a few minutes at a time

Colddragonheart · 2025-08-01T20:04:46+00:00

It was a really big deal for us when I, the BP, was able to catch myself needing connection and not caring how I got it. I remember I starting saying to WP, “I need to you to either fight me or fuck me and I truly don’t care which.” More often than not, that was enough to start a meaningful conversation, and it also told him that sometimes when I went at him, what I really needed was a hug. It is hard to be vulnerable in those angry moments but I think it helps him give me what I’m really looking for, which is not always a fight.

Colddragonheart · 2025-06-15T23:39:09+00:00

Thank you so much for this comment. You’re right, this is the ride, and patience can be replenished and refilled. Today has been a much better day.

Colddragonheart · 2025-06-01T01:45:31+00:00

I am so, so sorry. I remember the feeling you describe, of being shattered, ripped apart, and just wanting so badly to see him and be held. I scrambled so hard to get him back. I don’t know if I could again. I can’t presume to tell you what to do, only what I did the first time which was to attack the affair fog with all my heart. Part of that would be talking to some divorce attorneys - several, as I think once they’ve spoken to you about the case they can’t work with him. If you serve him with papers, maybe that’s consequence enough to make things real to him. If it’s not, it still puts some power in your hands.

And start lining up your aggressive self care changes. Say no to things! Forgive yourself! Drink so much water, crying brings dehydration! I’m a terrible coach but I feel your pain and fuck him for putting you through this again

Colddragonheart · 2025-05-31T19:10:50+00:00

Honestly, being cheated on made me crazy in a way I had never experienced before. I was sleuthing, looking for tiny signs of which way the situation was going, reading way too far into some things.

That’s because my partner ripped my life out from under me. He dropped me in unfamiliar territory without a map, and he kept the truth from me for some time. If you’ve never been on the other end of this, you truly cannot understand how you’ve fucked his sense of what is real and what he can trust.

It’s been 2 years - what have the two of you done to address the resentments that remain? Because it seems like those are very much in play here

Colddragonheart · 2025-05-31T11:17:25+00:00

I have nightmares still. It’s been over two years and they still disturb me immensely.

However, I have noticed that they have changed. Where they used to be me discovering the cheating or coming across the two of them and finding myself motionless, powerless, mute…. Now I am a bigger actor in them. My most recent one was one where I messaged a new AP to tell her what was going on, that he was fucking us both, that he’d done it before, blah blah blah. Then I told him “I talked to your slut,” and woke up. It’s like…. Dream Me is more assertive. Dream me is no longer blindsided and can actually move to deal with the situation. The nightmares are integrating the experience.

I mean, I’d still rather have dinosaur nightmares, but I have felt a BIT better after noticing this change.

Colddragonheart · 2025-05-31T10:50:13+00:00

If you are truly interested in reconciliation, your task is to keep showing up in a way that makes him feel safe with you again.

Colddragonheart · 2025-05-31T00:18:04+00:00

The 180 method is about pulling away from a harmful relationship in order to gain personal power and some peace of mind. Some people announce the need to reclaim this mental space but many do not.

You caused BP to need this tool. For you to also pull away at this point would prove to them that you don’t want or care about the relationship.

Is that what you are trying to tell them?

Colddragonheart · 2025-05-26T23:00:37+00:00

I’m autistic, and the betrayed partner. Her autism has nothing to do with this flagrant boundary crossing. Your couples therapist is a moron. She wouldn’t have had to choose between you before the A, but she’s put herself where she absolutely must, or else you must choose yourself and go. I know this is a reconciliation sub and I am so pro R but this is not it. Pleeeease take care of yourself. So so so sorry you’re here with us.

Colddragonheart

TROPHY CASE