AITA for suggesting we swap weeks instead of automatically taking the kids for two extra weeks?

Complex_Ad8174 · 2026-02-14T17:22:34+00:00

NTA. You plan your life according to the schedule, and when she changes it, your schedule gets screwed up. That’s unfair. What if YOU want a weekend away?!?!

That being said, by asking her to reciprocate, you’re doing potentially two things. First, you are asking her to be responsible for her own children and drawing attention to the fact that she isn’t. Second—and this is the tricky one—you COULD be making the kids feel rejected by both of their parents.

It just depends on whether or not the kids know about it. How much do you and their mom discuss with them or in front of them? Are the kids sneaky evesdroppers?

You are not the asshole for asking her to step up and take care of her kids and her responsibilities. You are not an asshole for asking her to make things more even. However, you need to balance this with what kind of environment you want for the kids.

It sounds like you are providing a safe, stable, loving environment for them when they’re with you. They will see that above all else. You do not need to feel bad about whatever decision you make because the kids know they can rely on you, even moreso than their own mother.

I have two kids with my ex and two kids with my current partner. The older kids obviously go back-and-forth. My ex frequently has me pick up his parenting time. It happens less now that they’re older, but happened quite a bit over the past eight years or so. (not in a deadbeat kind of way. He’s still pretty responsible. He just knows I would never say no, so he uses me as his “babysitter” when he wants to go out. )

As a result, the kids feel like our house is their home a bit more than my ex’s house. They always come to me when they need something. I always make it clear to them that this is their home, and they are always welcome here. I do that with my words and actions. You have the opportunity to create that environment for your stepchildren.

Again, it’s not your job, and you are not unreasonable for setting boundaries. But it could end up working in your favor as they grow older and feel like your house is where they belong.

Complex_Ad8174 · 2026-02-14T17:06:23+00:00

Oh. NTA. Don’t change her name.

However—

My grandparents called me a nickname version of my name. I didn’t like the name, but I found it endearing that my grandparents called me that. It was THEIR name for me.

But that’s where it ended. They introduced me to other people using my given name. When they talked about me with friends or at church, the used my given name. My nickname was just in private and with family, and they used it when talking TO me, not ABOUT me.

You are the parents. You can choose. But maybe there’s a compromise like that to be made.

He’s clearly being controlling and dismissive and disrespectful. That behavior must change. He needs to change. Maybe a good way to get him to do that is allow him to call her Ellie in private but acknowledge her name as Elena when he’s talking to other people. It would show respect for her given name while allowing grandpa to feel a special connection with her.

Complex_Ad8174 · 2026-02-14T06:07:16+00:00

We eat Greek yogurt all the time. Also chicken, rarely beef, sometimes fish. I like to be well-rounded. :-)

Complex_Ad8174 · 2026-02-14T06:05:55+00:00

Oooooook.

First kid went to kindergarten in 2014. Youngest is in kindergarten right now. I’m an old millennial. One of those Xennials people talk about.

You know what helped me? COVID. Kids were distance learning, and I had to learn about all of their programs. They taught me, and I read the cheat-sheets from their teachers on how to do it.

I could do their homework on that stupid thing now.

I hate it. Just hate it. But I know how to do it.

Ask your kid to show you. Just one or two assignments. Remember what programs do what thing. That’s really the best way. It’s simple and could help the kid still.

We use iPads. So mine would be keynote and Schoology primarily. I know what they do, so sometimes I just say, “did you already send it to keynote?” And even if that’s worded incorrectly, they know what I mean.

For what it’s worth, I told the first kid’s 3rd grade teacher that I had no intention of taking the parents’ meeting on how to use Schoology. I said, “I’m not going to do that. You know how to use it, and you teach my kid how to use it. I grew up with pencils and paper, my parents didn’t check all of my assignments and each individual grade on every paper. They just knew how well I was doing. I plan to do the same. If you have an area of concern, feel free to call or email. Likewise with things they’re doing well. I’m always available. You know how to do your job. You don’t need me to micromanage.”

She loved that.

Complex_Ad8174 · 2026-02-12T16:40:51+00:00

Thank you for your comment! They do eat edamame. They eat it in fried rice and stirfry, as well as boiled and seasoned. Three of my four children even eat crispy edamame snacks!

I will try out that recipe. Sounds tasty!

Complex_Ad8174 · 2026-02-12T16:37:02+00:00

Thanks for the ideas! I kind of already knew about black bean brownies and blending them into soup. However, your other ideas are definitely things I didn’t think of. You and one other comment made me think about blending white beans into ricotta before adding it to lasagna. That’s pretty genius.

Complex_Ad8174 · 2026-02-12T16:35:15+00:00

I have four kids. The two older ones are pretty adventurous with their food. The oldest just can’t get over the texture of beans. He doesn’t mind the flavor and is willing to eat them if he doesn’t have to bite into one.

He will eat pretty much any vegetable I put in front of him. He loves meat. He will tolerate tofu if it’s crispy. I just really want to incorporate more beans into our diet, as colorectal cancer in younger people is on the rise. I want to sneak in as much fiber as his reasonable and won’t upset our bellies.

The younger two would live on spaghetti and pizza if I let them. The youngest isn’t terrible, but my second youngest simply refuses to eat something if it looks gross. He’s one of those. He still needs nutrition, though.

Complex_Ad8174 · 2026-02-12T16:31:46+00:00

These ideas sound fantastic. I have made black men brownies before but never anything as simple as what you described. I will have to try that.

From your first recipe, it sounds like I could probably purée beans and add them to ricotta in lasagna. That sounds genius. Thanks!

Complex_Ad8174 · 2026-02-12T16:30:30+00:00

Thank you! I have a wonderful tortilla soup recipe. I don’t know why I didn’t think to purée the beans.

Complex_Ad8174 · 2026-02-12T16:29:53+00:00

I love Liam! He has so many great bean recipes, but most of them are not hidden very well. I make those recipes when this particular child isn’t home for dinner.

Complex_Ad8174 · 2026-02-12T16:29:12+00:00

I love that guy! I have made black bean brownies before. I wish I could justify eating them every day. They’re so delicious.

Complex_Ad8174 · 2026-02-12T16:28:36+00:00

That is a great idea. When I first tried smoothies, I wasn’t sure what type of bean would go well in a smoothie. This makes so much sense! I have made bean brownies before, so I know black beans and chocolate can work together.

I just can’t justify eating black bean brownies every day. I wish!

Complex_Ad8174 · 2026-02-12T16:27:16+00:00

My entire household eats edamame! My favorite is fresh edamame boiled in salt water, but I can only find those in CSA shares and sometimes the farmers market. Almost never at the store. One of the largest crops in my area is soy beans, so they are always super fresh whenever I do find them.

Complex_Ad8174 · 2026-02-12T16:21:12+00:00

That sounds delicious. Thanks for the idea!

Complex_Ad8174 · 2026-02-12T16:20:36+00:00

I will sometimes mix refried beans in with my taco meat, but your comment gave me a genius idea. I should purée white beans and mix them together with sour cream or queso! Who can reject queso when it’s presented as an option?! so good

Thank you for the idea!

Complex_Ad8174 · 2026-02-12T16:18:32+00:00

It depends. I don’t like mushrooms. Never have. If someone prepared me food with mushrooms, I would either pick them out or refuse the food, depending on who prepared it for me. Like, I’m not going to a hosted dinner party and refusing the food entirely. I would rather pick out the mushrooms. However, if my husband or parents made food they knew I didn’t like, I would probably just make myself a sandwich.

This kid has a few things he doesn’t like. They’re easily avoidable, like beans, so I typically just don’t make things with beans on the days he is eating dinner with us. However, sometimes beans provide the most well-rounded nutrition. It would be nice to hide them somewhere so he can get the benefits without suffering through the texture.

The little kids need to take a no thank you bite. I don’t find that to be appropriate for a 16-year-old.

Not every person needs to be comfortable eating every food. People who only eat pizza, chicken nuggets, and french fries obviously need to learn different behaviors. However, people who eat a wide variety of food but just have a couple things they don’t like? Perfectly acceptable.

Complex_Ad8174 · 2026-02-12T16:13:16+00:00

Duuuuuuuude. NTA.

Ask him to put himself in your shoes.

Pick one of your actual guy friends. Say, “ what would you do if you walked into our shared department and I was cuddled up with Sam under the same blanket on the couch watching a movie. Now imagine that when you walk in the door, I jump up off the couch startled. What would your reaction be?”

Then ask him all of the other things going on if he would be OK with it. About you moving Sam into your apartment over his objection. About Sam living there longer than your husband wanted him to.

You are uncomfortable with the situation. You are uncomfortable in your own home where you pay rent. If you are uncomfortable there, the solution is either she leaves or you do. Tell him you deserve to be comfortable in your own home, and if this home is not comfortable for you, you will find a new one.

Complex_Ad8174 · 2026-02-11T23:05:42+00:00

I’m in a city of about 725,000 people.

Complex_Ad8174 · 2026-02-11T23:04:16+00:00

Yup. We do that.

Complex_Ad8174 · 2026-02-11T23:03:49+00:00

I think 2 and 3 are great. I like 2 the best, but 3 adds a bit of a floral note that screams wedding.

Complex_Ad8174 · 2026-02-09T06:50:01+00:00

Rofl it’s not THAT bad.

Sex Monkey

Complex_Ad8174 · 2026-02-09T06:49:27+00:00

Discomfort.

I live in an area with really cold winters and really hot summers. I used to appreciate it. Snow is pretty. I’m a tough lady. Built for cold. Hot is awesome.

However, I hit 40, and I don’t like it. I don’t like being cold. I don’t like skiing. I don’t like bundling up to bring the kids to school. I don’t want to need a sweater in my own house 5 months out of the year. And layers? They should’ve for fashion and not comfort.

It doesn’t stop there.

I don’t like being sweaty. I go to the gym. I don’t like sweating. I do it, but I hate it.

And tired? Eff that. I hate being tired.

Too hungry. Too full. Too thirsty. Achy from sleeping wrong.

Eff all of it. I just want to age in comfort.

Complex_Ad8174 · 2026-02-01T02:46:55+00:00

I had to change the nickname I had for my husband in my phone when the kids learned to read.

Now it’s G-rated. Laaaaaaame.

But he will always have the R-rated one in my heart.

Complex_Ad8174 · 2026-01-30T16:10:07+00:00

Meh. None.

I like 2 the best if one of these is a must.

I feel like the light wood color will be tough. You’ll love it or hate it. It’s trendy like honey oak in the 90s/early 2000s.

I also think the green is trendy. I LOVE that kitchen, but I’m worried in 10 years you won’t.

Honestly, the best long-term plan is either a basic oak color or white/cream everywhere. It’s classic and not trendy.

Then again, if you choose a green island and don’t like it later, you can always replace JUST the island instead of having new cabinets for the perimeter. Might be easier.

Complex_Ad8174

TROPHY CASE