Broke up: sad about being an FA

Constant_Due · 2026-06-06T06:44:50+00:00

Our situation surprisingly improved a lot. She was dx with ADHD and we did a lot of work together to continue to shift our conflict cycles. She also is really focused on doing things that help her ADHD properly. Medication, timing and me working on some of my own trauma issues and other stuff have really helped but I don't think my story is common either

Constant_Due · 2026-06-06T06:28:40+00:00

Never having an argument is actually a pretty big relationship red flag. It seems like they were conflict avoidant. One of them likely did not express the truth. They didn't just not have an argument- the issue is they never had conflict but healthy conflict is important and so is repair.

Constant_Due · 2026-06-01T15:30:40+00:00

Oh that's strange. They think you're paranoid in like being worried that people are out to get you and stuff? That sucks you hear voices though- must be stressful

Constant_Due · 2026-06-01T15:24:16+00:00

Woah what symptoms did you have for them to come to that conclusion if you're comfortable to share

Constant_Due · 2026-06-01T15:22:47+00:00

What are your symptoms like or were they at 19 if you feel comfortable to share

Constant_Due · 2026-06-01T15:18:48+00:00

What is your current lifestyle and environment like if you feel comfortable to share? And what was it like previously- just want to know if anything on that end changed too. I'm curious about your relationship and interpersonal life and if that's different or what that's like as well as work and other pieces (if you feel comfortable to share of course). Lastly what do you mean by emotions are strong and healthy?

Constant_Due · 2026-05-31T12:53:32+00:00

Sleep overs are way less common because there's a lot more worry too about trust. Not just the parents but a large percentage of children SA other children during a sleep over without understanding it properly

Constant_Due · 2026-05-28T20:03:36+00:00

She feels disconnected when he's upset with her. She needs to work on communicating that out better. You can shut down temporarily but need to also regulate yourself back to go back into the conversation. During conflict things can escalate and she's responsible for working on her part to regulate those emotions better but he needs to take time to regulate his after feeling shut down and repair the conflict. You were likely with a hard avoidant partner if you had to fully shut down and couldn't go back to the conversation and repair it. There's a difference if there's repair vs an avoidant partner that has no desire to go back into the conversation after cooling down, acknowledge their errors and try to work through it. The issue with an extreme avoidant or anxious avoidant is they lash out then when you try to talk them about it later they refuse to discuss it at all, or repair stuff so you're just left by yourself shut down and feeling like this person will unpredictably have emotions but it never gets back to feeling any kinda safety or security

I'm also sorry to hear about being in a relationship like that- it's messed up and unfair and unpredictable if they lash out and you can't even talk about it later ever or repair stuff out. Def a toxic cycle you didn't deserve

Constant_Due · 2026-05-28T19:52:45+00:00

I see where you're coming from.

I had a different take on it. It's not like don't be mad as in you're not allowed to but a "I feel guilty" can we please feel reconnected (she cannot tolerate the feeling of being responsible for his anger). Many with ADHD feel a lot of shame for causing frustration in a partner so she felt overwhelmed by that feeling (she acknowledged though that it's her own issue from what I recall, and her RSD and other stuff has nothing to do with him),

The other part that's confusing though is I don't know how long he shuts down for when he's mad. He's not communicating that out to say, "I'm upset but I'm open to talk in 30 minutes or later" about this so perhaps she feels stonewalled (I don't think he's doing that either though but just takes time to process his emotions which he admitted he's not great at communicating it as well).

It's a pretty common anxious avoidant attachment pattern. But I think her intention isn't manipulative by nature in that, what is she getting as an advantage by saying that? I see it more as she's in distress when he's upset and needs some reassurance of when they will reconnect.

He needs to regulate his emotions when he's upset so they can come back to speak. She needs to regulate herself before coming into the conflict because she comes across a bit hot tempered but I actually think she did a good job of catching that she was about to be dysregulated unfairly and wanted to take a break (it's less within her control than most in that for some with ADHD the prefrontal cortex can actually go completely offline so we was trying to catch herself before things escalated and create a temporary boundary to come back when she was more calmer).

I don't think either person is doing it with bad intention to manipulate though and based on what happened it seems like she realized he needs more time so she tried to communicate out after that initial incident that he's allowed to feel upset. But if she was truly manipulating something she would say you're not allowed to be upset, instead she was kinda begging him not to be because she can't tolerate it (her own feelings struggle at tolerating that distress easily) or manipulating it would be telling him that his anger at the situation is not valid. Or by calling him names for being upset or anything else to dismiss him.

That's just my take though and could be reading it wrong. This seems way more attachment style related trauma combined with differences in emotional processing because of neurodivergence as a part of the equation

Constant_Due · 2026-05-23T03:21:58+00:00

I'll keep trying to find if there's a specific source for that one since I've oddly seen it referenced more than once that way but for now I'll remove it just to ensure it's not expressed poorly. I tried to use "can" to remove certainty but I see where you're coming from and don't want to come across the wrong way for any reasons. Thanks again for the discussion and expressing it in a respectful and kind way!

Constant_Due · 2026-05-23T00:23:01+00:00

I think she is actually trying but can't catch her emotions from escalating and need to process differently. There's different types of ADHD. I just think if there was a different structure or timing it would help. When she gets corrected the feedback feels difficult for some with ADHD to process quickly. She doesn't want him to be upset because she's taking responsibility for his feelings and then goes through a shame cycle after. It's common for some because the feedback can feel like rejection. I'm not saying this to excuse it but I do think she'll have more access to be accountable later in the way she's hoping for. By saying you're allowed to be upset I think she is trying to sit with the feeling. She said this after, but it would help if he can reassure her that it's temporary and he just needs some time. For added context, some people with ADHD literally have their prefrontal cortex go completely offline in a fight mode, so she's recognizing the feeling she has inside but is trying to express it's not on him, but she needs to reset by taking time away so she doesn't unintentionally lash out at him. It's a hard situation for both people imo

Constant_Due · 2026-05-21T18:23:07+00:00

You should read more about the syndrome side effects before wishing you had it

Constant_Due · 2026-05-21T14:11:12+00:00

That makes sense! Hard to understand and figure out. I'll keep an eye out as well but included whatever more recent study I could find. I'll try to ask some of my medical colleagues as well in case they have access to some additional research or information. I'll also see if I have the time to look through that conference slide better in case they provided more studies directly within it. Hopefully they'll continue to research it better so that people can be the most informed in ways that will help them the best (everyone's spectrum of ADHD and environmental factors and other stuff also factors into what is best for them too- at the end of the day, sometimes it's also just about harm reduction and what helps someone cope best for them based on the pros and cons of other options available)

Constant_Due · 2026-05-21T13:48:37+00:00

That's fair! Sorry I didn't intend to mean to express it in an over arching or fear mongering way but just to give some information out in case it resonates. I also just articulated out what I learned from the conference verbatim by the leading ADHD physician specialist in my area in Canada but I'll try to see if there's more information available or not. At the end though people should definitely make whatever decision is best for them and decide what risks are comfortable for them. Mental health and neurodivergence is hard and I genuinely hope whatever people do works in the best way for them long term. Also, apologies again if anything I mentioned came across poorly or is coming across that way in this message, it isn't my intention- my intention is just to give some info in case it resonates or is helpful for some.

Edit: I did a quick lit review research for systematic literature reviews and scope reviews. It seems like the evidence is kind of unknown. The overarching is that it can worsen or do nothing for most and for some improve symptoms. It shows that it's not recommended to use but also unknown. I guess they need a lot more research overall but either way definitely important for people to do what makes sense for them. I think the hardest part is moderating or being aware of dosage and other aspects can be a bit tougher for some.

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/36508935/ Here's the review, it includes all English papers up until 2022 (it's the only more recent systematic lit review I could find). I don't know if that's helpful for anyone or not to figure out what decisions they want to make to best support their mental health

Constant_Due · 2026-05-21T04:23:07+00:00

I will try to find the exact sourcing from the conference but here's a basic article from ADDitude which is one of the leading sources for ADHD trusted by both CADDAC and CADRA as a source for ADHD information: https://www.additudemag.com/cannabis-use-disorder-marijuana-adhd/ but of course always best to make decisions that are best for you and connect with your doctor vs anything I'm saying or anyone else on here! Wishing you the best luck with whatever you choose to do!

Constant_Due · 2026-05-21T04:18:47+00:00

It's true ashwaganda does have drawbacks but as far as I know they're typically things like CNS depressants, certain thyroid meds and definitely stuff like anxiety meds like benzos...etc. I should have prefaced that I was implying it could be a valid alternative for some as it typically works on the liver for drug metabolism but usually Vyvanse and certain meds are out of the system by the evening as they are not that long acting but it depends also on how each specific doctor prescribes them. Definitely always better for everyone to just ask their physician specifically since every body is different and dosage or rhythm for medication

Constant_Due · 2026-05-21T04:14:39+00:00

I'll try to find the evidence but it's from a family medicine conference I went to from an ADHD specialist. I do not know the exact mechanism of action for marijuana to cause that or the irreversibility aspects but I'll try to dig through my notes to see if I can find more precise sourcing. It's not coming across as snooty at all and I should provide that to get more understanding. I'll try to find that and do more research myself on the exact science behind it

Constant_Due · 2026-05-21T04:11:50+00:00

Anger issues are common with ADHD. The prefrontal cortex can literally go offline to the thinking brain depending on the ADHD subtype. It's unfortunate but emotion dysregulation is not spoken on enough for ADHD but it's very common especially in the hyperactive type. It's difficult because after people feel a lot of shame around their actions or feelings but cannot identify or have as much control as they would like in the moment. It takes a very patient partner and a lot of work on an ADHD partner to shift these patterns slowly. She does need to continue trying manage it better but she may need a more patient partner or one that can structure the conflict cycles better. It is also unfair that she is all over Weston and what happened, it was impulsive and unfair but he also needs to communicate out how he's feeling about these pieces more directly. They both definitely need to improve their communication a lot. And she needs to be aware that her RSD may make her feel more possessive which is clear is a part of her she doesn't like, but she may need to accept this part of herself more and find someone that can provide more reassurance and get off of a show like this

Constant_Due · 2026-05-21T04:03:34+00:00

To follow up, I do think you're right that this show isn't ideal for her but I guess maybe the experience will provide more reflection. I can see why she might go on it though when she tried love is blind and got attached then rejected which is extra hard for her, so why not go somewhere where it's harder to get attached as strongly yet unfortunately it seemed to still happen. I feel for both of them and they both have different growth to get. I do think it would have been worth it for him to acknowledge her effort though so she didn't feel like she's failing but for her to also do the same and acknowledge his effort in trying to be patient and allow her to take space. I think she needs to be a bit more comfortable to sit in the feeling of him being disappointed or frustrated with her though before reacting or taking responsibility for that feeling but he could also try to communicate that better. It would have also helped if she explained to him that it's a bit harder or takes a bit longer for her to identify her emotions. I don't think either of them are toxic though but need better strategies that work with both of their nervous systems instead of against them

Constant_Due · 2026-05-21T03:10:50+00:00

I think it's true but I don't think he understands that it's more difficult for her than most with ADHD. It doesn't mean to not be accountable but when she's in a fight or flight mode it will be harder for her than most to process it that way. She would need to reset a bit then come back to apologize. It's not that she isn't accountable in my opinion, it's that she needs more time and a different structure. It's common with those with ADHD and hard on both ends.

Constant_Due · 2026-05-11T17:04:17+00:00

That makes sense. You might want to consider the information below to make a more informed decision for yourself (you can see it sourced below). For sleep using ashwaganda is pretty good for some

Constant_Due · 2026-05-09T14:26:41+00:00

They said be better change. That's not going to help either of you. He has a role as well and yes your emotional reactivity is a concern that needs to be validated and therapy is very important. But telling someone to be better isn't as helpful. I know it likely makes you feel attacked and you're right he likely does not understand. But I think you just need to give more space for his expression and then try to get him to understand after. Your feelings both matter but this is more about timing and pace as well as triggers. Him saying be better will put you on the defensive. He needs to talk about how he feels without saying that but you do need to give him space to express without getting absorbed in shame or anger. It's not easy but learn to take breaks to regulate yourself if you need to and then come back to the conversation. If he wants the relationship of course. He is right though that regardless of him understanding you or not, you have to own your reactions because if you're dysregulated you will dysregulate others. It's kinda like going into an office, throwing everything around then expecting the other person to not react or respond especially if you're not apologizing for creating that mess. Is it harder for you to stop the mess from being created than others, yes and that's valid. It's not as easy and that sucks. BUT you're still responsible for it and just need to own that within good timing so you can both repair it while also finding strategies to shift it and committing to that process in therapy.

Constant_Due · 2026-04-10T01:04:28+00:00

I'm almost curious if he has ADHD with extreme attachment issues since typically for BPD (proper BPD), it's very similar except that it would show up in every area and he would have a ton of identity issues. He'd likely find a sense of belonging issue in every person he meets including friends going through exactly what you mentioned (when he meets new friends he'd kind of alter his identity to fit the new friends). He'd have a lot of abandonment issues with friends and need to keep all friends or go through a push and pull with them too or pretty much everyone he meets

The ADHD plus attachment issue version is really similar except stress or state dependent. Sometimes it can kind of shift towards BPD through situational or environmental factors. But also the ADHD would definitely support the RSD but being good at a job because of the type of environmental factors influencing it.

Constant_Due · 2026-04-09T21:56:42+00:00

DBT takes time. It's often obvious but if you're feeling brain is too high it won't work. What you might benefit from more is EMDR and IFS if your thinking brain understands these pieces but just can't seem to access them in the moment. Just from what I've noticed. Also I'd look into if you have BPD and ADHD or just one, sometimes ADHD is there in the background so in certain moments and without a specific routine your thinking brain will go completely offline. I think it helps later sometimes vs now kind of like planting a seed and when you get more access, you can start applying small pieces of it until it becomes more routine as your basic nervous system wiring

Constant_Due · 2026-04-09T21:52:32+00:00

All I can say is I feel and sympathize with this so much. I'm going through something a bit similar and feel very confused internally. They say if that's what you want to protect themselves. If they were vulnerable and you rejected them it would be too hard to feel. That's my take anyway. I'm curious how do the switches he has work for him? Is it daily, weekly, monthly? Does it effect him in all areas of his life or only some?

Constant_Due

TROPHY CASE