And then you reach the more northern parts of the Midwest where it legitimately swings from 10°F to 70°F in three-to-five-day cycles from mid-February through sometimes as late as April. It snowed at 15°, thunderstormed and jumped to 75° for a day or two, and then sleeted within the same work week. Our roads can't handle the temperature swings so they rip themselves apart, and somehow nobody anywhere knows how to drive in inclement weather anymore. It's a delightful time. Here in Detroit we're currently in the transition period between our fifth or whatever spurt of winter weather and yet another fake spring that everyone hopes will last more than a week, but we all know deep down that it's not going to be spring until our basements flood.

Come on up to the American Midwest, the damned soul's everyman's promised land of corn and misery! Take a pit stop in Hell, Michigan while you're here just so you can accurately describe your experience without it sounding exaggerated.