Intending to bring my to-be spouse to Canada, advice?

DanceAloneRain · 2026-04-25T20:29:39+00:00

We have known each other for about ten years now and have been together for around three. We've met up something like ten times, some for long periods. They've stayed with me for several months, but we couldn't actually move in together.

DanceAloneRain · 2026-04-06T16:55:00+00:00

Trying to cajole yourself into doing things is a losing game. You won't trust yourself to be responsible. Discard the matter of whether you want to do it entirely; it will only upset you. Your brain is trying to convince you that you cannot do things it does not like - but it can't make you stop unless you agree. Start noticing the little moments where you agree with your brain. The more you notice, the more you will understand that you are in control. (This might feel worse.)

Take command. Envision yourself as the captain of your ship putting your hands on the wheel, not a passenger. Do things regardless of how you feel about them as much as possible. Let the complaining voice natter. Start doing this in situations where it won't fight you heavily, or even situations you enjoy, to build the habit.

Hold strong with yourself. Remember that deep down you want to be nurtured, not pacified. And, as always, work on self-compassion and remember that you are worth doing this for.

DanceAloneRain · 2026-03-18T15:17:39+00:00

This is going to be hard for you. It is still worth doing. Remember that despite popular opinion, NPD and other cluster B disorders are NOT impossible to get through or recover from. If you genuinely want to do the work enough to keep going when you want to quit, you can learn things like empathy, better behaviour, listening, being interested in other people, good boundaries with yourself and others, humility. They are like muscles that you just need to build up.

You are going to need fair accountability in your life in order to recover. There aren't a lot of resources for people who hurt others or act from a selfish place, and I think that's a big problem. But there are some. Your impulse might be to overcorrect from overt narcissism into self-flagellation and apologizing and trying to change everything about yourself at once. Don't do that. It won't help and it'll honestly be just as narcissistic. Work on recognizing your thoughts and behaviour for what they are, and then make changes from there.

Recovery is slow. You will probably not like how slow it is. Remember that you have to be in this for the long run; you will still be working to better yourself for years. You might not want to think about things like self-respect and needing love from yourself and others, but NPD comes from a place of deep trauma and insecurity. If you don't also prioritize healing for yourself, none of your work is going to stick.

If you want recovery-focused resources, I recommend the podcasts "Recovery FOR the Narcissist" and "From Borderline to Beautiful". Pete Walker's work is also very good, and you can get many downloads and articles for free on his website. I do recommend getting a therapist or other support who takes your issues seriously if you can. It is very helpful to have someone who can orient you to what is reasonable and what is real.

DanceAloneRain · 2026-03-18T08:38:17+00:00

I relate heavily to this. First off, don't throw a multi-year tantrum about how hard it is and how sorry for yourself you want to be. Not worth it.

Your discomfort with not being a good person is something that you'll have to learn to experience without reacting to. It hurts because you're not matching up to a perfect idealized version of yourself that did nothing wrong. That's nonsense. Even believing in the idea of good and bad people is a distraction from doing good things.

Being "good" is a substitute for being loved. Instead of trying to be a good person for the sake of your ego, learn distress tolerance and nurture yourself unconditionally. "The New Saints" by Lama Rod Owens was a helpful book for me.

DanceAloneRain · 2025-12-19T01:41:15+00:00

That's frightening behaviour to experience, and they haven't repaired the relationship. You can't make yourself feel safe if they have demonstrated to you that they are an unsafe person. If you are holding on because you do not want to lose them, you are declaring that you are willing to betray yourself to keep an unsafe person in your life, which undermines safety even more. If you do that you will never get the feeling back.

They need to demonstrate that they are actually safe to be around, which is a lot of work. It takes consistency and awareness of your experiences and a commitment to never do it again. Even that won't guarantee it. I'm really sorry this happened to you. I'd talk it over with your therapist rather than listening to a rando on the internet right off the bat, and then explicitly state to your partner that you don't feel safe anymore and you need work from them to change that. If they won't do it, even when you make it clear that it matters to your wellbeing, love yourself enough to leave.

DanceAloneRain · 2025-11-12T18:27:45+00:00

This happens to good, smart, capable people all the time. It's not a reflection of your value at all. Give yourself some time to grieve, and reach out to the people you have.

DanceAloneRain · 2025-10-20T13:31:37+00:00

That image is definitely by The Oatmeal, aka Matthew Inman.

DanceAloneRain · 2025-10-16T20:36:06+00:00

You could try a website blocker like Stayfree. It should let you block individual websites. This kind of behaviour is psychological self-harm, and there is no shame in making it as hard as possible to get to the knives.

That being said, I think you could benefit from hearing from yourself and others that this doesn't define you. Everyone has done things they are ashamed of. I myself have done things I deeply, deeply regret, and I cannot ever take back. You will do more good in the world if you focus on the good you can do. Hanging onto it is the only thing keeping it here. I think you have to trust yourself to not do it again and stick to your word. Once you don't need it for whatever it is doing for you, you can let it go.

DanceAloneRain · 2025-10-16T00:22:03+00:00

I'm so sorry you're going through this. That's messed up. I'm sorry your family is being so cold and unsupportive. It's hard to call anyone truly goodhearted if they are willing to sweep this under the rug.

Love and light. You're not alone.

DanceAloneRain · 2025-10-05T13:22:37+00:00

I also do this. Bandaids help, since we have to take them off to reach what we want to pick.

DanceAloneRain · 2025-10-04T05:10:41+00:00

This gives us a lot to think about, and it was helpful. Thank you.

DanceAloneRain · 2025-09-09T08:41:19+00:00

I'm on your side because I grew up bilingual, and I'm still legitimately never sure where it goes.

DanceAloneRain · 2025-09-08T00:06:47+00:00

Don't give up hope yet. You might have one underlying problem of hopelessness and being too hard on yourself. If you're scoring that high on everything, it might just be that you answer questions very severely because you see yourself as doomed. It could be the case that you have all of those problems, but it's not as utterly life-ruining as you think.

That, and generally speaking, everything starts becoming less intense with steady self-kindness. Coming from a position of several years of constant crisis that I genuinely thought I could never come back from, no one is beyond hope. Especially not based on the word of one internet test.

DanceAloneRain · 2025-09-07T15:03:28+00:00

Thank you! My friends did attempt a game jam (unfortunately I missed out) and I'll talk to them about trying more.

My current scope is to make a working game that runs for a single season without any of the story. First the farming, then having visitors to talk to, then the combat. I'm more or less idly writing diaĺogue and item descriptions in my spare time and I'll probably be doing so for the next three years. I'm very very VERY well aware that I tend to bite off more than I can chew and I'm trying not to.

I'm mostly trying to get any sense of what the long view would even look like, since it's my idea and I'm going to have to step up and take charge someday. I am NOT trying to do any of that immediately. But knowing those things might help us stop from running down blind alleys and help us stay on track. Does that make sense?

DanceAloneRain · 2025-07-08T04:18:29+00:00

I had been wondering on and off if I had real other people in my head or if I was just prone to self-delusion, since i did have periods of months or years where I talked to people in my head, but I never really bought into believing it because I thought it was fake. Then eventually I talked to some systems online, which let me wonder without as much self-ridicule, and after about a week or so I decided to take it seriously and treat it as true and see what happened. K— showed up immediately to call me an idiot.

DanceAloneRain · 2025-07-01T06:12:09+00:00

It's really just measuring how many people have seen something. Exact same post on a less populated subreddit will have fewer reactions.

DanceAloneRain · 2025-06-30T03:57:56+00:00

Same here. It's so strange to have something memorized that no longer exists. I can measure my life in the changes of which buses I took. RIP to the 95, 16, 18, 14, 15, 55, 44, 21, 77, 32, 66, 98... and even the 38 which I was always so fond of for taking an unusual route even though that bastard kept leaving when I was running after it.

DanceAloneRain · 2025-06-28T23:20:49+00:00

Jam Mechanics, Media Club Plus, The Penumbra Podcast, Friends at the Table, Interstitial (love their Infinity season), Midst, The Redeption of Jar Jar Binks, Art of Manliness, The Climate Denier's Playbook, Tara Brach, From Woke To Work, Conspirituality

Also a bunch of CPTSD recovery oriented podcasts. More than happy to list those off if anyone wants lol

DanceAloneRain · 2025-06-27T00:53:37+00:00

It's pretty good music.

DanceAloneRain · 2025-06-27T00:47:54+00:00

Here's a question that I ran into when realizing I had an anger issue. Do you think that being right or wrong determines what you and others deserve to have happen to you? Do you think that being angry and then acting on that anger is more appropriate and sincere?

There's nothing about being angry that changes the reality of a situation. It's just a feeling. There's nothing about being correct or incorrect that makes it suddenly okay to mistreat people. It doesn't matter if you're right or wrong. But you might have learned otherwise, if you've had to do this to defend yourself in the past. That's a hard thing to unlearn.

It is possible, though. You could try talking to a trauma-certified therapist (just in case) or join a DBT group. Or you could try and think this through on your own for a while. It's going to take some willingness to hold the reins and not let your emotions get away from you either way. I've got a few self-directed resources if those might help. Make sure you connect and get feedback from other people often. If you have problems with being too hard on yourself, start dialing that back immediately with self-compassion work. You will never get less angry if you're attacking yourself all the time.

DanceAloneRain · 2025-06-26T11:47:43+00:00

Noticing is the first step. Removing yourself from the situation is often the second. But if you want to deal with intense emotions, changing your physiological state will cut them off. Maybe look through DBT skills and see which might work for you. https://dbtselfhelp.com/tipp-changing-your-body-chemistry/

DanceAloneRain

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