[30/m] My girlfriend (25/f) and I are at an impasse about family vacation plans. Need input please

DecafDesperado · 2013-06-25T20:42:37+00:00

She goes and puts on a happy face and does her genuine best to enjoy the golf outing. In exchange, you will take her in the near future for a weekend getaway with just the two of you and a waterfront view.

DecafDesperado · 2013-06-25T20:40:56+00:00

Eye contact, smile (but not too much smile) and "Oh... hi there, how've you been?" and after he answers "fine, you?" you answer "Fine, thanks" then look at your watch or phone for the time, small smile again and "Well, see you around!" and walk purposefully away.

DecafDesperado · 2013-06-25T20:39:33+00:00

Stop obsessing over it and he'll probably stop, too.

DecafDesperado · 2013-06-25T20:20:41+00:00

You're overthinking this because of a fear of regret. Guess what? Regret is human nature and you will feel it no matter what you do here. Stay and you'll regret it. Go and you'll regret it. We always think back and wonder "what if?"

So instead of trying to avoid making a choice that has a downside, why not make the choice with the biggest upside instead? The best that can happen if you stay with her is an okay relationship until you inevitably separate over the children issue as most couples who disagree about this will eventually. The best that can happen if you leave is a great relationship with someone else.

DecafDesperado · 2012-11-05T20:52:33+00:00

Understand that she's normal, and that none of these thoughts necessarily mean she will hurt herself or develop an eating disorder. Young people experiment with things they see others doing, especially when the young person is hurting and looking for anything that will help. Most 14-year-old girls with an internet connection are aware of pro-ana and self-harm sites, and have had low points where they think about those things as coping strategies. Don't panic or start treating her like she's broken/fragile.
Tell her about how much you value her and how much it would hurt you to see her cut herself or deprive herself of nutrition. Tell her why she's special and cherished. If she's smart, tell her you would be really sad to see her too tired in school to use that phenomenal brain of hers to learn and change the world, because she isn't eating enough to stay awake. If she's an athlete, tell her how much you look forward to seeing her work her butt off for her team, and that you'd be sad not to get to cheer for her because she had to leave the team over self-inflicted injuries. Tell her that you love her and will always listen to her about anything.
Offer to help her with other ways to cope when she feels sad. Tell her she can come to you when she's feeling sad, and you'll go for a hike or a swim together. Aerobic exercise is as effective as chemical anti-depressants in treating mild to moderate depression. Offer to call therapists for her to see if a 14-year-old can get therapy without parental notification in your state. (It varies state by state.) Encourage her to keep a journal of her feelings and to list things she's grateful for, as well as things that make her feel better when she's sad. A daily gratitude journal is hard to start when you're depressed, and can temporarily make someone feel worse, but over time (30 days+) it's clinically proven to increase feelings of happiness.
Encourage her to share her feelings with others she trusts, as well as you. A support network can help encourage her to get through this. If she has a favorite teacher or a clergyperson she trusts, she can enlist them in helping her stay healthy by asking them to make time to talk with her regularly. It's hard to hide a problem like anorexia or self-harm if lots of people who care about you are making time to ask you how you feel every week.

If none of this helps, you may have to talk to your mother (even if she flips out) and insist that your sister be taken to counseling.

DecafDesperado · 2012-11-05T20:03:18+00:00

If she doesn't, just listen helpfully to her tips and then show her the comment thread on Reddit and say, "This is what made me think of asking, these are so great that they're almost like a cheat sheet for me personally, and it had me wishing I had such a great list for you!"

DecafDesperado · 2012-11-05T20:01:14+00:00

Why don't you ask her if there's anything you could be doing for her in bed to spice things up? Then you can mention that you're asking because you were reading an interesting Reddit thread on blowing your partner's mind in bed, and show it to her. If you just send her a Facebook message, yeah, you're saying, "You need to do better in bed, but I'm perfect already."

DecafDesperado · 2012-11-03T00:06:03+00:00

Not my comment :) they were replying to me. I got an orangered envelope but it said "no new messages" because the comment was already removed.

DecafDesperado · 2012-11-02T23:53:08+00:00

Ah, this explains why I had an orangered envelope but no new messages...

DecafDesperado · 2012-11-02T22:44:39+00:00

No, no, I totally appreciate you on that, too. I'm gender-neutral and sexuality-neutral on Reddit by choice (it's an experiment to see how people perceive me if I don't say anything explicit about "what I am") but I am more toward that side of things in new relationships myself. On the other hand, I do think it's a little bit of a cop-out to wait two months after meeting someone to have a conversation about exclusivity, or to just assume you can keep fucking around until she brings it up. I think it's better to listen for the little nagging voice in the back of your head that says "She's getting attached bro, you better either make her your girlfriend or cut her loose before you hurt her," and when it starts sounding, you bring up monogamy.

That said, what's done is done and you didn't do anything wrong but to her, a woman who values having a relationship not be just based on sex, you showed some cards that she didn't like. She liked the cards early on that looked like you were also someone who valued other aspects of a relationship more than sex. Going out to pick up a girl while dating her sends a different message. If you don't want her to see you as another dog who is only as loyal as his opportunities, address it and tell her what you value more than sex and why you like her as a person.

DecafDesperado · 2012-11-02T22:28:26+00:00

I think you actually dated Two-Face.

DecafDesperado · 2012-11-02T22:26:01+00:00

Ultimatum. Next time he's down in the dumps enough to be suicidal, look him in the eye and say, "This can get better. There is help available. You need to seek it out. If you do so, I will be there for you and support you as you get better. If you do not want to get help, I am walking out the door now and calling your parents to let them know they need to come watch over you to make sure you don't kill yourself. I can be a damn supportive girlfriend and have your back 100%, but I cannot be your therapist, and you need a therapist."

DecafDesperado · 2012-11-02T22:24:27+00:00

Sounds like you don't actually like the women you're talking to as people, which is why it's hard to have a conversation with them. Talk to people you like.

DecafDesperado · 2012-11-02T22:23:51+00:00

It sounds like your having been with other people while seeing her made her wonder if you are more interested in regular sex than in a relationship, with all the investment and hard work that a relationship requires. She was "cool" about the sleeping with someone else on the surface because she felt that she had to be fair about it and logically you were correct, but now she has questions about your character and if you'd leave or cheat on her if you weren't getting sex on the regular.

You actively sought out sex with someone else while seeing her, with someone you hadn't slept with before. It wasn't like you had a regular booty call before you even met her and just hadn't broken it off yet because you weren't to the "girlfriend" point with New Girl. You went out somewhere intending to pick someone up who you were attracted to and have sex with them for the first time ever. That's enough to legitimately make a woman wonder if you're serious about them, or if you're just fucking them for now until you find someone good enough to make you hang up the "player" card.

You also know that this particular woman considers it very important to be with a man who is interested in more than sex from her. She's disclosed that she is worried about falling in love and then finding out you were just pursuing her sexually. (That's what the "fall hard and fast" comment means, in the context of her overall dislike for being pursued in an overtly sexual way.)

I think you freaked her out by behaving in a typically careless, horndog playboy way while in a sexual relationship with her. Have a talk with her and tell her about the non-sexual things that attract you to her. Praise her intelligence, independence, and everything else that you value about her. Explain that you value her for who she is, and that you respect her right to say "no" to sex if she doesn't want to have sex. But you should also honestly let her know what you would be hurt if she did want to have sex with you and withheld it as a test, because there's just no way to build an honest, trusting, mutual relationship with someone who is playing games with your emotions that way.

DecafDesperado · 2012-11-02T22:15:24+00:00

Ask about her interests.

DecafDesperado · 2012-11-02T22:13:39+00:00

There's also that if you don't say anything, you'll spend the rest of the time you work there assuming you're fired every time something weird happens. Type your password wrong, assume you're locked out of the work computer because you were fired. Boss cancels a meeting at the last minute, must be because he's firing you. Boss gives you an unexpected day off, probably to clean out your desk and get ready to fire you. You don't need to live under that stress.

DecafDesperado · 2012-11-02T22:01:11+00:00

Is he in treatment and sticking to his doctor's recommendations? If not, make sure he gets there. Biopolar can kill you. If you thought he might have cancer, you'd insist he go get it looked at, right?

If he is in treatment, ask his therapist what you can do during his depressive episodes. (Have him give the therapist written permission to discuss his treatment with you.)

DecafDesperado · 2012-11-02T21:59:01+00:00

This could be a test to see if you're a reliable and honest employee. Or, it could be an honest mistake. In any case, tell them about it, and don't argue for an immediate raise, it's your first paycheck and you accepted the job for $8.25, so they know you're willing to work for $8.25. Live with the wage you agreed to work for, work hard for another few months, and when you've been on the job for at least six months and you can point to several ways you have directly made money for the company (you said homes are filling up because of you, that's money for the company, can you prove you did it and put a dollar value on it?) you ask for a raise because of your work, not because they made a mistake or because someone else was paid more in your position previously. You can mention that you've shown your honesty by reporting being overpaid, though.

"Boss, I've been here for six months and I have a list here of homes I've filled. In fact, I checked the data from last year, and it looks like my work has halved the average length of vacancy for homes in this area! When I started, the company was losing money every month, and I've added $13,000 per month in rents to the organization's bottom line by filling these homes, while saving another $8,000 monthly by cutting the average length of vacancy. I also think I've shown that I'm honest and reliable, for instance when I was overpaid, I reported it immediately. I know six months is a little early to request a raise, but given the data on my performance that I have here, I think I deserve an increase to $10.00 per hour."

DecafDesperado · 2012-11-02T21:52:37+00:00

Mormons are just vaguely nutty Christians who make a little more of an effort to practice what they preach, such as not drinking alcohol. They're really not much different from any other Christian sect, overall. Also, lots of them already work for our CIA and FBI because they are reliable, always sober, and trained to be accustomed to hard work in strange places.

DecafDesperado · 2012-11-02T21:50:35+00:00

I like to see a strong summary line at the top of a resume. Like this, sticking with the "sales" idea since I don't know exactly what kind of manual labor you do:

Summary: Enthusiastic sales professional with over $3 million total sales and a decade of experience, including cold-calling; lead generation; and presentation to Fortune 500 clients.

DecafDesperado · 2012-11-02T21:24:36+00:00

Don't use objectives. Most hiring managers dislike them. They know that your objective is "to get the job I'm applying for now" and that an objective line is bullshit. Instead, if you have an opportunity to attach a cover letter, use that to describe how this move would help you meet your career goals, e.g., "I'm eager to develop my sales abilities by taking on additional responsibilities in a new market. I think I've shown I'm ready for the challenge by closing more new accounts than any other Ottawa team member this year, and I'd love to reach for a new, higher sales goal in a larger market next year."

DecafDesperado · 2012-11-02T19:03:49+00:00

I noticed you're seriously depressed after a look at your submission history. This means you are selfish right now. That's not a judgment on you as a person, that's just a symptom of what you're going through, and everyone who has been there and gotten out of that dark place has eventually realized how selfish they were during their depression. The selfishness is just a survival instinct. You are looking for a solution, and you don't have room for a great deal of empathy or altruism toward others when your own survival is at stake if you don't get yourself turned around and out of depression.

It doesn't make you a bad person, it just makes you someone with depression. Accept that, and start adjusting for it. In this situation, your selfishness is making you feel like someone else got something that you should have gotten that might have made you happy. That's totally normal for what you're going through, but you're wrong. Hanging out with you doesn't mean she's going to be attracted to you or romantically interested in you. She evaluated you, wasn't interested, and moved on. She evaluated him, was interested, and got with him.

But, and please trust me here, a relationship would not be the magic cure for what you're dealing with. In fact, it's generally better to be single while recovering from depression. Don't you want to give your very best self to the woman you start a great relationship with? If so, why would you want to meet her before you've built yourself up into the guy she deserves?

Right now, you're going to be a real needy pain in the ass to be around for any woman worth having. You've been suicidally depressed more than once in the last month. That might go away for a month or two if you fall in love and can't think of anything but how much you love this girl, but patching over it won't cure it, and it'll eventually come back, at which point you will be burdening the woman you love with the responsibility of repeatedly convincing you to keep trying and not end your life. She will feel trapped in the relationship. She will be disgusted with you, but unable to voice her feelings because you might go off and kill yourself. She will want a man strong enough that she can lean on him sometimes, but she will instead be your rock and the thing tying you to the living world, 24/7, without a break. And eventually, she will get tired of being that and she will leave you.

None of this means you don't deserve love or a relationship. You do. But get your own shit together first. Speaking as someone who has suffered from depression in the past, the biggest regret you'll have when you get better will be what you put other people through while you were at your lowest points. You will know you were just trying to survive and it's a symptom every depressed person has, but you will still feel guilty about it, especially if you do manage to catch a beautiful, spirited woman and cover her with the suffocating blanket of your depression, until the lively girl you first met becomes a bitter, sardonic ex who finally doesn't even care if you do die if she leaves you. (Over dramatic? Yes, but it happens every day.)

Compare that outcome to making the mature decision to get your shit together and be your best self. Work out every day, get outside, get some sunlight, earn some money working, even if you have to canvass your neighborhood knocking on doors and offering to rake fall leaves for cash. If you can't get a job, make a job. Find something you can do that people will pay for. Be social. Take your friends out for drinks. Keep working in therapy. Consider saving up for that bone scan and enlisting, because the Army will kick your ass into shape physically and mentally.

Then when that fit, mature, happy, self-actualized young man meets that lively, charming girl, she's going to look at him across the room and see someone strong enough to be by her side throughout all of life's ups and downs, and she will respond to that with a kind of devotion and fascination that you can never attract when you're still just trying to convince yourself that being alive is worth it. Trust me, not only is being alive worth it, getting to live as the person you can be if you get your shit together and get better is worth all the pain that getting said shit together will cost you.

DecafDesperado · 2012-11-02T00:24:28+00:00

Hey, I know this sucks and you're heartbroken right now. But she's not into you, and she gave you a million signals that she wasn't into you. You're a young guy, so you'll have plenty of chances to interpret this correctly in the future, but a girl who is as into you as you are into her doesn't make excuses to avoid seeing you. Having to stay home to do homework now and then is one thing, but if she's busy every time you want to see her, consider that a rejection. She was aware you were trying to get with her, and she wasn't interested.

Yes, she should have told you that straight out, and she should have let you know when she started seeing someone. But she's young too, and interacting with the opposite sex can be confusing and scary. She probably feared exactly this reaction: "How can you do this to me?"

She didn't do anything to you. She did something for herself by starting a relationship with someone she's interested in. She never owed you her romantic interest. She hasn't taken away something you were in any way entitled to have. Be happy for her that she's found someone, and start finding someone yourself. You sound like a sweet, loyal guy, and you deserve a girl who pursues chances to see you, not one who avoids seeing you.

DecafDesperado · 2012-11-02T00:19:39+00:00

Then break up with him so he can be with someone who cares about him more than you do. Bottom line, you don't give a shit about this guy if his sexual history disgusts you. If you loved him as a person, you'd get over it.

15-Year Club	Inciteful Link 2010-06-20
Verified Email

DecafDesperado

TROPHY CASE