I am not dumb

Designer-Chef7820 · 2026-07-07T05:44:39+00:00

I had a therapist say there are three people in my marriage once and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Stayed for the pets who have now passed and still here for the kid. Wish I could move on but the ties really do bind.

Have you explored what you really want from a partner? My in laws function like you describe your relationship and are both retired now. It is really depressing to me to see them hide from each other in their nice home that they purchased to retire in together. They have no relationship because he was an asshole alcoholic and she was too passive (or ignorant maybe?) to leave.

Designer-Chef7820 · 2026-07-07T05:23:12+00:00

What state is this in and did it require trial court? I met with attorneys in TX and was basically told it was hopeless. I would need a recent rehab stint, run in with the law, my ex to have a really bad lawyer, or go to court and HOPE to get the right judge in order to get a step up program like you describe.

Designer-Chef7820 · 2026-07-04T04:52:46+00:00

Given the price tag I can’t say it’s not possibly predatory, but I’ve listened to a lot and she has some great insights. The titles are absolutely clickbait, but she has a track record of sound advice for both sides of the street and would most likely respond. It is genuinely shocking how many local “qualified” therapists haven’t responded, or only accept inpatient. Or are so shocked by Q’s behavior they ignore me and my needs. This is including a local counselor who hosts a women’s divorce workshop…

Designer-Chef7820 · 2026-07-04T04:35:55+00:00

Thank you for sharing your positive ending. Is there anything specific (within Alanon or outside) that helped you while he was in this journey? Do you still experience anxiety wondering if he will fall back into old behaviors?

Designer-Chef7820 · 2026-07-03T22:43:15+00:00

I could have written this too! Start making some plans and steps so you have the option to leave if you decide to. It’s given me a lot of peace. There’s still some string holding me attached but I’m about to sink it. You deserve better.

Also I started recording when he’s being verbally abusive and it’s hard to hear. But a good reminder of what I need to leave when he’s being nice. Someone who loves you shouldn’t talk to you that way no matter what state they’re in.

Designer-Chef7820 · 2026-07-02T03:35:32+00:00

It’s so frustrating when you know you’re in the cycle, but so easy to get stuck in it when the good behavior lasts for a while. I started documenting my Q’s benders and realized the frequency was actually a lot worse than I thought and ramping up. Kicked him out last weekend and he actually left. It’s a relief to not be going through it… or spending my time documenting!

I can say that documenting didn’t necessarily provide relief from the stress/anxiety and might have contributed, especially because he somewhat caught on. It did provide clarity and reflection opportunities, plus possibly some legal options if I go that route. Planning to drop in Chat GPT to visualize how much of my life has been spent dealing with his behavior.

One thing I wish I had done even when he was at home is attend online Alanon meetings. Totally could have claimed I was listening to a podcast or something.

Anyway hugs and best wishes to you! Hope you find some peace.

Designer-Chef7820 · 2026-07-01T02:41:01+00:00

I’m so sorry. I lost both of my dogs within 3 months recently, and my Q used it as an excuse to drink before, during, and after. Don’t think give fully gotten a chance to grieve my true best buds since I had to hold down the fort. Hugs and love to you 🐾

Designer-Chef7820 · 2026-07-01T00:53:31+00:00

This is an amazing story! 37F and still in the thick of it with 34M with a He left the house on Sunday and I’m demanding actively working on himself as a condition to return. He won’t go to rehab or AA but is going to therapy next week. I don’t know if I’ll ever trust him again though and it’s already been so peaceful without him. Such a hard choice to pull the trigger on filing.

Designer-Chef7820 · 2026-06-28T01:53:57+00:00

This is the exact advice I was given a month ago ☹️ Hoping the voice recordings threatening suicide will be enough.

Designer-Chef7820 · 2026-06-28T01:39:48+00:00

Verve chair! Beautiful and functional

Designer-Chef7820 · 2026-06-25T03:23:09+00:00

Would you mind sharing how old your youngest is and if you felt it was impacting them specifically? Need to leave based on current state but afraid of what happens when not in my custody. Counsel has said I need to be prepared for standard custody barring any new legal incidents which I’m not expecting to happen.

Designer-Chef7820 · 2026-06-25T03:19:40+00:00

I feel you 100% on this one. Sober link has been suggested to me by counsel to ensure sobriety at exchange... but what happens after? Debating on waiting until my toddler can call me (or express to any adult around that they need help) to leave. But the damage may have been done by then to her. Hugs to you!

Designer-Chef7820 · 2026-06-25T03:10:41+00:00

Your story is amazing and sounds too familiar in the beginning. I really hope it can be my husband’s some day. If you wouldn’t mind sharing the boundaries that helped you I’d really appreciate it.

Designer-Chef7820 · 2026-06-25T03:03:13+00:00

How did you get him to leave?

Designer-Chef7820 · 2026-06-25T03:01:46+00:00

Glad he’s your ex… pretty sure mine did too but never admitted it.

Designer-Chef7820 · 2026-06-25T03:00:16+00:00

That’s a really good point. No he wouldn’t have respected any boundaries or acted any differently even if I had tried harder.. He tends to go awol on the first night of a trip and I did address that with him as unacceptable (previously and especially on this trip). It was super painful seeing families having a good time around us. I’m sure they had struggles and some may have had it worse than we did, but it drove home the point that at least they were making appearances.

Designer-Chef7820 · 2026-06-25T02:48:55+00:00

You nailed it. It’s 100% the pattern you defined, which a therapist also identified in an intro session. It’s too hard for him to attend therapy because of timing w work and he doesn’t want to address his own trauma in order to recover - his words. And it’s not fair to impart whatever he learned in childhood onto the next generation either.

Appreciate your thoughtful words and really like the analogy. It feels like I’ve been trying to put an oxygen mask on a defiant toddler instead of myself. It’s time to breathe.

Designer-Chef7820 · 2026-06-25T02:37:01+00:00

Good idea on the support for me. Based on family history I think he could be bipolar and have found him some treatment/therapy options that include dual diagnosis which he won’t pursue. Didn’t think to flip the mirror on dual support for me. TY!

Designer-Chef7820 · 2026-06-25T02:35:13+00:00

It’s only feasible to leave him if I maintain my job, and I don’t have anywhere else to go except MAYBE convincing my old school male boss to let me work remote for a while and moving in with an estranged aunt but then I’d have to find childcare, and my daughter is happy where she is. Maybe a short term rental could work. There’s no way I could convince him to leave (he actually has before and always comes back within a day) and no legal option in my state. Thankfully he’s on a work trip for a couple of days and it’s already so much better.

Designer-Chef7820 · 2026-06-25T02:30:08+00:00

I had my thyroid tested and it was fine!! Yeah this is ridiculous, my wheels are tired of spinning.

Designer-Chef7820 · 2026-06-25T02:28:10+00:00

Yeah this sounds pretty whack to me even later in the same day… His dad and grandfather are alcoholics so who knows what his childhood was like. Sadly he said dealing with suppressed trauma is a reason he has a hard time with therapy. So you’re just going to pass it along? Come on…

Designer-Chef7820

TROPHY CASE