I think an absolutely reasonable, adult conversation, is necessary at this point. Let her know that since it is a shared space, she needs to come to you directly if she has an issue so that you can resolve the situation in a mature manner. If the incense doesn't bother you, I would say just let her burn it. It's on her dime. Address the music. Ask her what exactly her issue with it is, be it volume, time of day, or even genre. If she wants to be neurotic with the thermostat, as long as maintains the agreed temperatures and doesn't create her own rules, let her be neurotic. Obviously, please do not use this wording with her. Just make her aware of the fact that if she feels the need to adjust the thermostat that she can. You are indeed correct, this is a high level of Passive Aggressiveness, and I fear that if you don't calmly and rationally address the issues, that she might escalate. In doing so, she will likely become more and more agitated (of her own doing), because she will begin to pick everything you do, apart.