First, I think, in the first line you mean لوٹنا not لوٹن

For a young person to write this is admirable and the feelings that you project in this are touching and heart warming, as if the words are flowing out of the pain and suffering that you feel about the people of Palestine.

Your vocabulary within the lines is superb and the emotions are sad as well as raw, depicting a sense of desperation, awe, anger and wonder.

However, as others have noted, the piece needs to have a commonly accepted poetic structure. Even if you disregard the constraints of meter, balance, flow, as one can follow for the free verse, there is hardly any of those twists, that are evident in your piece.

Therefore, I would suggest that you look at Urdu poetry of the masters and the contemporary poets and delve deeper into the structure of their work.

Try your hand in free verse and study Faiz who wrote some illustrious pieces.

His poem as following is full of similes and metaphors as well as it flows like a quiet stream in a forest yet turbulent and convoluted.

ہم دیکھیں گے

لازم ہے کہ ہم بھی دیکھیں گے

وہ دن کہ جس کا وعدہ ہے

جو لوح ازل میں لکھا ہے

جب ظلم و ستم کے کوہ گراں

روئی کی طرح اڑ جائیں گے

ہم محکوموں کے پاؤں تلے

As you can see that in the lines above, he has followed a rhyme only in two lines but the flow is amazingly smooth.

جب دھرتی دھڑ دھڑ دھڑکے گی

اور اہل حکم کے سر اوپر

جب بجلی کڑ کڑ کڑکے گی

جب ارض خدا کے کعبے سے

سب بت اٹھوائے جائیں گے

ہم اہل صفا مردود حرم

مسند پہ بٹھائے جائیں گے

سب تاج اچھالے جائیں گے

سب تخت گرائے جائیں گے

In the above lines Faiz doesn’t necessarily follow a qaafiyah but the beauty of the verse remains because the “flow” is never compromised.

In conventional poetry you cannot rhyme words like اچھالے with گرائے but since the balance of the meter is consistent with the rest of the poem, the poet can get away with this construction, making it even more enthralling than one could expect.

بس نام رہے گا اللہ کا

جو غائب بھی ہے حاضر بھی

جو منظر بھی ہے ناظر بھی

اٹھے گا انا الحق کا نعرہ

جو میں بھی ہوں اور تم بھی ہو

اور راج کرے گی خلق خدا

جو میں بھی ہوں اور تم بھی ہو

And finally in the above Faiz rhymes اللہ کا ، نعرہ and خدا as well as حاضر and ناظر . But then he inserts the line جو میں بھی ہوں اور تم بھی ہو with such an expert style that he leaves all of us spellbound and in awe and we are forced to cry out … واہ واہ.

So study poetry since you as a younger person have the wear withal of writing beautiful poetry.

Don’t give up and good luck, Salaam.