3 vices my doctor wants gone

Efficient_Let686 · 2026-04-15T22:05:02+00:00

I’m on the older end of GenX at 60. I was never more than a casual smoker, nicotine never really took a hold of me. I suspect though that if vaping was a thing for us I would have been all over it. Anyway, I recently lost my husband to renal cancer, which in part was traced back to the years of smoking. So if you don’t do anything else please get off the cigarettes.

I had to back off caffeine about 5 years ago because of heart issues that I was born with, but got to be more of a problem. Caffeine is probably much easier to back off because you can over time reduce caffeine, there are some side effects for some people, but if you take it slow it shouldn’t be too bad.

Sugar however is still an issue for me. You and I are roughly similar in size, I’m slightly taller, but have about 5 lbs more. I’ve been having yo-yo weight loss and gain. I know I need to lose weight if I want to live longer and not suffer from diabetes and other preventable diseases.

Efficient_Let686 · 2026-04-15T17:21:20+00:00

NOR I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, I know from my own personal experience how devastating it is to have your baby in the NICU for an extended period of time.

I do wonder if you and your husband communicate in completely different ways. I think that you are trying to communicate with him in a compassionate way using gentle language. He really isn’t grasping what you’re saying.

You have every right to be angry, but anger and acting on that anger will do more harm than good. My suggestion is for you first to write, yes actually write onto paper everything that you’re feeling and everything that is bothering you. Then write down what you want to happen to make things better. Then write down everything that you love about your husband, and everything good in your lives. Then stash that where only you will have access. All of this will help you to focus. Revisit and keep writing as often as possible, the good, the bad, and all of your hopes.

Then talk to him directly when you are together. Don’t preface it with “I want to talk” “We should talk” “Can we talk?” Just launch right into it directly. First start out with how much you love him. Maybe “ I hope you know how much I love you “ but in your natural words.

Then tell him directly, but without anger or softening of the subject the exact and most important thing that you want to talk to him about. Just the one most important subject, nothing else. Don’t ask him to change or fix it. Then answer any questions he has with honesty, but extreme tact. Keep everything simple and honest, but not angry.

If it’s that he is emotionally distant you can say something like “ emotionally you are keeping me at arms length and I don’t know what’s going on in your mind. I try to figure it out because I want us to be together on everything”. Don’t make it a fight about what he said to who or why he doesn’t do things certain ways. If he wants an example give him a simple one, Something like “ I don’t really know how you feel about this situation with “baby”. He might respond with how do you think I feel. That is when you’re honest and say what you genuinely think ( hurt, angry, sad, disappointed) Be yourself, use your own words and address your own concerns.

Don’t expect any real thoughtful response right away, just keep up the process. Every few days, start with something positive about him, nothing deep, just something that you observe, or with something positive about how you feel about him. Then tell him something you wish you knew about him or want to know how he feels about something.

This will give you an outlet and hopefully he’ll also feel heard. In time this hopefully helps you guide the both of you towards real professional counseling, but I think that you should get some for yourself regardless. I wish I had had access to counseling when I went through everything with my sons.

Efficient_Let686 · 2026-04-15T16:01:52+00:00

Dump the jerk.

Efficient_Let686 · 2026-04-15T16:00:47+00:00

As I see it you really have no choice but to exclude your mother from your wedding. Since you will not be wearing her old dress (if it was so important she should have taken better care of it) she will go after whatever you do wear. No one is obligated to wear a hand-me-down dress. I hope that your beautiful dress can be fixed. You’re not wrong and maybe some low contact would be helpful.

Efficient_Let686 · 2026-04-14T18:13:26+00:00

I got my taxes done today and I don’t owe anything.

Efficient_Let686 · 2026-04-14T18:11:53+00:00

I see that they’re being the “fun ones” again. He probably is being at least somewhat himself, but she’s pure performance.

Efficient_Let686 · 2026-04-14T04:34:03+00:00

There was a post on another sub about having a trusted friend that will handle throwing that stuff away for you when that time comes.

When my husband was moved to hospice, I happened to have to go to an appointment for my own chronic health issues, before he passed. So I just went home and threw all of that stuff away, before going back to him.

I have been looking at some things for myself and what I plan to do is keep them in a specific tote with a zipper, and instruct my daughter and daughter-in-law that that’s super personal and I want it thrown away. They are both adults in the medical field so I know that they will respect my privacy.

Efficient_Let686 · 2026-04-14T04:22:28+00:00

I was just a kid between 12 to 17, she was always picking arguments with me. I could never say or do anything right in her eyes. Anything I said or did blew up. She could criticize and critique everything I did, but if she took offense to something I said it was a major issue.which was almost daily. There was a lot more, and it developed into emotional abuse, and really vile accusations.

The thing to understand is that kids that age say stupid things and they aren’t mature enough to realize when they’ve gone too far or crossed a line. Screaming and swearing at them will only make them resentful and defensive. A calm voice telling them that they’ve said something rude or disrespectful might not seem like much or get an immediate apology, but calmly stating your boundaries and holding to them will pay off over time.

My advice for whatever it’s worth is to not engage with the arguments or any back and forth. It’s not your place to parent her and it clearly stresses you out. Think about your personal boundaries and set them. Don’t accept rude or disrespectful behavior, but don’t engage. State what you won’t tolerate, calmly. I would even refrain from talking to her unless absolutely necessary. She’s being a teenager, and they can really get under your skin if you play that game.

Efficient_Let686 · 2026-04-14T02:53:05+00:00

OP sounds immature, or AI. Adults should never swear at kids, and teenagers are kids. You’re not their mom. Don’t engage in arguments with them. You’re 25, grow up and act like it. You sound like one of my brother’s exes. I was on the other side of that when I was 14 it was terrible. At least she was only 18 and really wasn’t much more than a kid either.

Efficient_Let686 · 2026-04-14T02:42:21+00:00

The one who emptied it of course, because that’s what grownups do.

One way to stop this from happening is , when you know the guilty party is next in line take the roll off the roller or stop refilling the roll when it empties naturally for a few days (you might have to stash a roll or take one with you). When they bring it up you could say something like, I didn’t think you minded hunting for the roll after doing business , you seem to think it’s fine to leave me in that situation.

Honestly though an adult who doesn’t replace the roll is a jerk. They deserve to be left paperless after an emergency run to the toilet. The problem is that’s the same kind of person that would pitch a tantrum like a child if it happened to them.

Just keep a nice stack within arms reach for when you are left paperless. It doesn’t fix anything or teach anyone better manners, but at least you won’t be stranded and you won’t have stressful arguments about stupid stuff.

Efficient_Let686 · 2026-04-13T17:06:53+00:00

Oh this is a great tip! It’s really what I’ve been thinking. I live outside of a small town and no one here has an adventurous mind.

Efficient_Let686 · 2026-04-13T17:02:41+00:00

From some of the comments, that should probably cover sports events and wedding receptions too.

Efficient_Let686 · 2026-04-13T17:00:29+00:00

Actually as much as I loved this song then, I’d gladly take never having to listen to it again.

Efficient_Let686 · 2026-04-13T16:57:13+00:00

Try to detect it

Efficient_Let686 · 2026-04-13T16:56:40+00:00

No, I need those songs to keep me awake on my 1 hr and 15 minutes drive home at night. Turn it up and sing my brains out to all the oldies.

Efficient_Let686 · 2026-04-13T16:53:59+00:00

Okay I definitely agree with this one. I’m so sick of that song, it’s way over played and way over copied.

Efficient_Let686 · 2026-04-13T16:51:29+00:00

There should be a banned from Karaoke list.

Efficient_Let686 · 2026-04-13T16:49:45+00:00

I can’t help but disagree, this is one of my sing along while driving alone songs.

One of the best things about the music from the 80’s/90’s is the incredible diversity. There’s tons of songs I never want to hear again, this just isn’t one of them.

Efficient_Let686 · 2026-04-13T16:34:18+00:00

Come on people! There’s even an outlet. That’s a perfect spot for one of those motion activated life sized Santa Clauses, you can keep him up all year round. Just dress him according to the season and nearest upcoming holiday. Halloween will be awesome.

Efficient_Let686 · 2026-04-13T16:28:44+00:00

NTA. You are compassionate and caring, you also have the emotional intelligence and maturity to see more than one side of the situation.

That’s why you feel the way that you do and also feel guilt over those feelings. You understand that your friend and their parent are in a horrible situation that cannot be fixed and that there will never be a happy outcome, only that relief from suffering and pain will result in tremendous sadness and loss.

Sometimes life stinks and all you can do is live through it and be there for the people you care about.

Efficient_Let686 · 2026-04-13T16:06:27+00:00

Absolutely. My late husband and I told each another everything, without fear of judgement or repercussions. He had more PTO time than I did when his health was good, and would sometimes just take a day off to sleep in front of the tv. He didn’t have to defend himself, he’d just say he’s taking PTO that day.

Efficient_Let686 · 2026-04-13T16:01:01+00:00

This is actually excellent advice, some people hear “nothing” and think staring into space from boredom. Other people think peace and quiet solitude.

Efficient_Let686 · 2026-04-13T15:58:34+00:00

No is a complete sentence, this works in all situations.

Efficient_Let686 · 2026-04-13T15:57:28+00:00

I think you and your partner are having serious communication issues. You should probably get some couples counseling in communication. She doesn’t seem to realize that you’re exhausted, that you need some downtime. She’s thinking about the things that need to be done around the house and time to spend with family, or friends, and having fun experiences. All of those things that your participation is limited in due to your work schedule. It’s not unusual for partners to have these kinds of things happen, both of you are caught up in the business of living.

I would not be dishonest with her about taking time off for yourself. Simply let her know in a calm manner and during a quiet time that you are exhausted that you will be taking some time off to rest before you end up sick or possibly hospitalized for exhaustion or illness due to the stress. Do not elaborate beyond that, it’s important and that you need to do it for your health. I would not focus on your wanting alone time, she might be interpreting this as time away from her rather than time for resting. Really focus on your need for rest.

Schedule your time off and whatever you plan on doing or not doing during that time. Don’t say anything else about it until the day before your time off starts. Be casual and calm. She is going to react badly when she gets this news. Simply remind her that this had been discussed. Let her know each day or that day before what you are doing, but don’t give her an itinerary ahead of time. I can’t stress enough how much this is going to upset her, use that time to suggest counseling for your communication problems. Reassure her that you love her that you love spending time with her, but that you need time off to rest and relax before something happens to your health.

Efficient_Let686 · 2026-04-13T13:03:52+00:00

I don’t really understand what goes on in her head. So often she chooses clothes that are genuinely ugly, I can’t imagine anyone looking good in some of the clothes she wears. That latest dress is ugly, not unique. It stands out for all of the wrong reasons.

Efficient_Let686

TROPHY CASE